PART III

MEDIÆVAL AGES

SHAKESPEARE’S line,

“In the vast deep and middle of the night,”

gives no stronger or more absolute effect of darkness and blankness

than the state of humorous literature during the vast deep and middle

of the Mediæval Ages.

It is not possible to catalogue it with reference to time or place, for

the mass of it came from the mouths of Tale-tellers or Song-singers,

supplemented by the pencils or chisels of the caricaturists.

In the East, Folk Tales were abundant and they were brought to Europe

as the wind scatters the seeds of vegetation.

Fables, Fairy Tales, Mother Goose Jingles, Collections of Anecdotes,

all hark back to these jesting stories of the ancient Orientals.

Probably the oldest and most important link in the tracing of

Indo-European Folk Lore is found in the Fables of Pilpay, or Bidpai.

This is the Arabic translation of the Pahlavi translation of the

Sanscrit original of the Panchatantra.

The scope of the work is advice for the conduct of princes, offered in

the guise of beast fables, and perhaps containing much of the material

commonly attributed to Æsop.

Little or nothing is known of Pilpay, and his era has been variously

placed at different dates between 100 B.C. and 300 B.C.

Others, indeed, declare that Pilpay was not an individual but the name

is that of a bidbah, the court scholar of an Indian prince.

The fables, as may be seen from the following selections, inculcate

the moral teachings by means of stories about animals, to whom are

attributed the thoughts and impulses of men.

Kalidasa, called the greatest poet and dramatist of India, is also

of uncertain origin and birth date. He probably lived early in the

Christian Era, and his writings, though not strictly humorous are

instinct with the spirit of satire.

KALIDASA

_HUNTING WITH A KING_

MATHAVYA, _a Jester_

_Mathavya._ Heigh-ho, what an unfortunate fellow I am, worn to a

shadow by my royal friend’s sporting propensities! “Here’s a deer!”

“There goes a boar!” “Yonder’s a tiger!” This is the constant subject

of his remarks, while we tramp about in the heat of the day from jungle

to jungle on paths where the trees give us no shade. If we are thirsty,

we can get nothing to drink but some dirty water from a mountain stream

full of dry leaves, tasting vilely bitter. If we are hungry, we are

obliged to eat tough, flavorless game, and have to gulp it down at

odd times as best we can. Even at night I have no peace. Sleeping is

out of the question, with my bones all aching from trotting after my

sporting friend; or, if I do contrive to doze, I am awakened at early

dawn by the horrible din of a lot of rascally beaters and huntsmen,

who must needs begin their deafening operations before sunrise. But

these are not my only troubles; for here’s a fresh grievance, like

a new boil rising upon an old one: Yesterday, while some of us were

lagging behind, my royal friend went into a hermit’s enclosure after a

deer, and there--worse luck--he caught sight of a beautiful girl called

Sakuntala, the hermit’s daughter. From that moment not a single thought

did he have of returning to town; and all night long not a wink of

sleep did he get for his thoughts of the girl. But see--here he comes!

I will pretend to stand in the easiest attitude for resting my bruised

and crippled limbs.

_Enter_ KING DUSHYANTA

_Mathavya._ Ah, my friend, my hands cannot move to greet you with

the accustomed salutation! I can do no more than command my lips to

wish your Majesty success.

_King._ Why, what has paralyzed your limbs?

_Mathavya._ You might as well ask me how it is my eye waters after

you have poked your finger into it!

_King._ I don’t understand what you mean. Explain yourself.

_Mathavya._ My dear friend, is that straight reed you see yonder

bent crooked by its own act, or by the force of the current?

_King._ The current of the river is the cause, I suppose.

_Mathavya._ Yes, just as you are the cause of my crippled limbs.

_King._ How so?

_Mathavya._ Here you are, living the life of a savage in a

desolate, forlorn region, while the government of the country is taking

care of itself. And poor I am no longer master of my own legs, but have

to follow you about day after day in your hunting for wild beasts, till

all my bones ache and get out of joint. Please, my dear friend, do let

us have one day’s rest!--“_Sakuntala._”

UNKNOWN AUTHOR

_THE CREATION OF WOMAN_

In the beginning, when Twashtri came to the creation of women, he found

that he had exhausted his materials in the making of man, and that no

solid elements were left. In this dilemma, after profound meditation,

he did as follows:

He took the rotundity of the moon, and the curves of creepers and the

clinging of tendrils, and the trembling of grass, and the slenderness

of the reed, and the bloom of flowers, and the lightness of leaves,

and the tapering of the elephant’s trunk, and the glances of deer,

and the joyous gaiety of sunbeams, and the weeping of clouds, and

the fickleness of the winds, and the timidity of the hare, and the

vanity of the peacock, and the softness of the parrot’s bosom, and the

hardness of adamant, and the cruelty of the tiger, and the hot glow of

fire, and the coldness of snow, and the chattering of jays, and the

cooing of the dove, and the hypocrisy of the crane, and the fidelity of

the drake. Compounding all these together, he made woman, and gave her

to man.

But after a week man came to him, and said:

“Lord, this creature that you have given me makes my life miserable.

She chatters incessantly, and teases me beyond endurance, never leaving

me alone. She requires attention every moment, takes up all my time,

weeps about nothing, and is always idle. So I have come to give her

back again, as I cannot live with her.”

Then Twashtri said, “Very well,” and took her back.

After another week man came to him again, saying:

“Lord, I find that my life is lonely since I surrendered that creature.

I remember how she used to dance and sing to me, and look at me out of

the corner of her eye, and play with me, and cling to me. Her laughter

was music; she was beautiful to look at, and soft to touch. Pray give

her back to me again.”

And Twashtri said, “Very well,” and returned woman to man.

But after only three days had passed, man appeared once more before the

Creator, to whom he said:

“Lord, I know not how it is, but, after all, I have come to the

conclusion that she is more trouble than pleasure to me. Therefore I

beg that you take her back again.”

Twashtri, however, replied:

“Out upon you! Be off! I will have no more of this. You must manage how

you can.”

Then quoth man:

“But I cannot live with her!”

To which Twashtri answered:

“Neither could you live without her.” And he turned his back on man,

and went on with his work.

Then said man:

“Alas, what is to be done? For I cannot live either with or without

her!”--_The Churning of the Ocean of Time_ (_Sansara-sagara-manthanam_).

The Talmud is far from a humorous work, but it embodies many bits of

wise wit, and is the original source of many present day proverbs.

In its twelve folio volumes it contains the work of the ancient

Jews for nearly a thousand years, and among its fine parables and

interesting legends gleams of rare wit frequently occur.

_EXTRACTS FROM THE TALMUD_

The forest trees once asked the fruit trees: “Why is the rustling of

your leaves not heard in the distance?” The fruit trees replied: “We

can dispense with the rustling to manifest our presence, our fruits

testify for us.” The fruit trees then inquired of the forest trees:

“Why do your leaves rustle almost continually?” “We are forced to call

the attention of man to our existence.”

Too many captains sink the ship.

Birds of a feather flock together; and so with men--like to like.

He laid his money on the horns of a deer.

Keep partners with him whom the hour favors.

Attend no auctions if thou hast no money.

Poverty comes from God, but not dirt.

Ignorance and conceit go hand in hand.

Better eat onions all thy life than dine upon geese and chickens once

and then long in vain for more ever after.

Go to sleep without supper, but rise without debt.

Do not live near a pious fool.

If thy friends agree in calling thee an ass, go and get a halter around

thee.

Love your wife truly and faithfully, and do not compel her to hard work.

When our conjugal love was strong, the width of the threshold offered

sufficient accommodation for both of us; but now that it has cooled

down, a couch sixty yards wide is too narrow.

Man is generally led the way which he is inclined to go.

If the thief has no opportunity, he thinks himself honorable.

Were it not for the existence of passions, no one would build a house,

marry a wife, beget children, or do any work.

What should man do in order to live? Deaden his passions. What should

man do in order to die? Give himself entirely to life.

He who hardens his heart with pride softens his brain with the same.

Do not reveal thy secret to the apes.

Keep shut the doors of thy mouth

Even from the wife of thy bosom.

Use thy best vase to-day, for to-morrow it may, perchance, be broken.

The world is only saved by the breath of the school-children.

“Repeat,” “repeat,” that is the best medicine for memory.

A woman schemes while plying the spindle.

Alas! for one thing that goes and never returns. What is it? Youth.

Rab Safra had a jewel for which he asked the price of ten pieces of

gold. Several dealers saw the jewel and offered five gold pieces.

Rab Safra declined, and the merchants left him. After a second

consideration, he, however, resolved upon selling the jewel for five

pieces. The next day, just as Rab Safra was at prayers, the merchants

unexpectedly returned: “Sir,” said they to him, “we come to you again

to do business after all. Do you wish to part with the jewel for the

price we offered you?” But Rab Safra made no reply. “Well, well; be

not angered; we will add another two pieces.” Rab Safra still remained

silent. “Well, then, be it as you say; we will give you ten pieces,

the price you asked.” By this time Rab Safra had ended his prayer,

and said: “Sirs, I was at prayers, and could not hear you. As for the

jewel, I have already resolved upon selling it at the price you offered

me yesterday. If you then pay me five pieces of gold, I shall be

satisfied.”

Chief of the Arabian collections of tales is, of course, The Arabian

Nights’ Entertainment, or The Thousand And One Nights.

Many of these tales are of very ancient origin, others have been added

as the centuries went by.

Though the stories show their Persian, Indian and Arabian origin, the

collection as it stands at present was compiled in Egypt not more than

five or six centuries ago.

As is well known, the stories were told night after night, by

Scheherazade, to preserve her life so long as the king’s interest might

be held. Most of the tales show little or no humor, many are long and

wearisome, many more too broad to quote, but several are given that may

be considered as representative of Oriental wit.

_THE SIMPLETON AND THE SHARPER_

A certain simple fellow was once going along, haling his ass after

him by the halter, when a couple of sharpers saw him and one said to

his fellow, “I will take that ass from yonder man.” “How wilt thou do

that?” asked the other. “Follow me and I will show thee,” replied the

first. So he went up to the ass and loosing it from the halter, gave

the beast to his fellow; then clapped the halter on his own head and

followed the simpleton, till he knew that the other had got clean off

with the ass when he stood still. The man pulled at the halter, but the

thief stirred not; so he turned and seeing the halter on a man’s neck,

said to him, “Who art thou?” Quoth the sharper, “I am thine ass and my

story is a strange one. Know that I have a pious old mother and came

in to her one day, drunk; and she said to me, “O my son, repent to God

the Most High of these thy transgressions.” But I took the cudgel and

beat her, whereupon she cursed me and God the Most High changed me into

an ass and caused me fall into thy hands, where I have remained till

now. However, today, my mother called me to mind and her heart relented

towards me; so she prayed for me, and God restored me to my former

shape of a man.” “There is no power and no virtue but in God the Most

High, the Supreme!” cried the simpleton. “O my brother, I conjure thee

by Allah acquit me of what I have done with thee in the way of riding

and so forth.”

Then he let the sharper go and returned home, drunken with chagrin and

concern. His wife asked him, “What ails thee and where is the ass?”

And he answered, “Thou knowest not what was this ass; but I will tell

thee.” So he told her the story, and she exclaimed, “Woe worth us

for God the Most High! How could we have used a man as a beast of

burden, all this while?” And she gave alms and asked pardon of God.

Then the man abode awhile at home, idle, till she said to him, “How

long wilt thou sit at home, idle? Go to the market and buy us an ass

and do thy business with it.” Accordingly, he went to the market and

stopping by the ass-stand, saw his own ass for sale. So he went up to

it and clapping his mouth to its ear, said to it, “Out on thee, thou

good-for-nought! Doubtless thou hast been getting drunk again and

beating thy mother! But, by Allah, I will never buy thee more!” And he

left it and went away.

_THE THIEF TURNED MERCHANT AND THE OTHER THIEF_

There was once a thief who repented to God the Most High and making

good his repentance, opened himself a shop for the sale of stuffs,

where he continued to trade awhile. One day, he locked his shop and

went home; and in the night there came to the bazaar a cunning thief

disguised in the habit of the merchant, and pulling out keys from his

sleeve, said to the watchman of the market, “Light me this candle.”

So the watchman took the candle and went to get a light, whilst the

thief opened the shop and lit another candle he had with him. When

the watchman came back, he found him seated in the shop, looking over

the account books and reckoning with his fingers; nor did he leave

to do thus till point of day, when he said to the man, “Fetch me a

camel-driver and his camel, to carry some goods for me.” So the man

fetched him a camel, and the thief took four bales of stuffs and gave

them to the camel-driver, who loaded them on his beast. Then he gave

the watchman two dirhems and went away after the camel-driver, the

watchman the while believing him to be the owner of the shop.

Next morning, the merchant came and the watchman greeted him with

blessings, because of the two dirhems, much to the surprise of the

former, who knew not what he meant. When he opened his shop, he saw

the droppings of the wax and the account-book lying on the floor, and

looking round, found four bales of stuffs missing. So he asked the

watchman what had happened and he told him what had passed in the

night, whereupon the merchant bade him fetch the camel-driver and

said to the latter, “Whither didst thou carry the stuffs?” “To such

a wharf,” answered the driver; “and I stowed them on board such a

vessel.” “Come with me thither,” said the merchant. So the camel-driver

carried him to the wharf and showed him the barque and her owner. Quoth

the merchant to the latter, “Whither didst thou carry the merchant and

the stuff?” “To such a place,” answered the master, “where he fetched

a camel-driver and setting the bales on the camel, went I know not

whither.” “Fetch me the camel-driver,” said the merchant; so he fetched

him and the merchant said to him, “Whither didst thou carry the bales

of stuffs from the ship?” “To such a khan,” answered he. “Come thither

with me and show it to me,” said the merchant.

So the camel-driver went with him to a khan at a distance from the

shore, where he had set down the stuffs, and showed him the mock

merchant’s magazine, which he opened and found therein his four bales

untouched and unopened. The thief had laid his mantle over them; so

the merchant took the bales and the cloak and delivered them to the

camel-driver, who laid them on his camel; after which the merchant

locked the magazine and went away with the camel-driver. On the way, he

met the thief who followed him, till he had shipped the bales, when he

said to him “O my brother (God have thee in His keeping!), thou hast

recovered thy goods, and nought of them is lost; so give me back my

cloak.” The merchant laughed and giving him back his cloak, let him go

unhindered.

_THE IGNORANT MAN WHO SET UP FOR A SCHOOLMASTER_

There was once, among the hangers-on of the collegiate mosque, a man

who knew not how to read and write and got his bread by gulling the

folk. One day, he bethought him to open a school and teach children;

so he got him tablets and written scrolls and hung them up in a

conspicuous place. Then he enlarged his turban and sat down at the door

of the school. The people, who passed by and saw his turban and the

tablets and scrolls, thought he must be a very learned doctor; so they

brought him their children; and he would say to this, “Write,” and to

that, “Read”; and thus they taught one another.

One day, as he sat, as of wont, at the door of the school, he saw a

woman coming up, with a letter in her hand, and said to himself, “This

woman doubtless seeks me, that I may read her the letter she has in her

hand. How shall I do with her seeing I cannot read writing?” And he

would fain have gone down and fled from her; but, before he could do

this, she overtook him and said to him, “Whither away?” Quoth he, “I

purpose to pray the noontide-prayer and return.” “Noon is yet distant,”

said she; “so read me this letter.” He took the letter and turning

it upside down, fell to looking at it, now shaking his head and anon

knitting his eyebrows and showing concern. Now the letter came from

the woman’s husband, who was absent; and when she saw the schoolmaster

do thus, she said, “Doubtless my husband is dead, and this learned man

is ashamed to tell me so.” So she said to him, “O my lord, if he be

dead, tell me.” But he shook his head and held his peace. Then said

she, “Shall I tear my clothes?” “Tear,” answered he. “Shall I buffet my

face,” asked she; and he said, “Buffet.” So she took the letter from

his hand and returning home, fell a-weeping, she and her children.

One of her neighbours heard her weeping and asking what ailed her, was

answered, “She hath gotten a letter, telling her that her husband is

dead.” Quoth the man, “This is a lying saying; for I had a letter from

him but yesterday, advising me that he is in good health and case and

will be with her after ten days.” So he rose forthright and going in

to her, said, “Where is the letter thou hast received?” She brought

it to him, and he took it and read it; and it ran as follows, after

the usual salutation, “I am well and in good health and case and will

be with thee after ten days. Meanwhile, I send thee a quilt and an

extinguisher.”[1] So she took the letter and returning with it to the

schoolmaster, said to him, “What moved thee to deal thus with me?” And

she repeated to him what her neighbour had told her of his having sent

her a quilt and an extinguisher. “Thou art in the right,” answered

he. “But excuse me, good woman; for I was, at the time, troubled and

absent-minded and seeing the extinguisher wrapped in the quilt, thought

that he was dead and they had shrouded him.” The woman, not smoking the

cheat, said, “Thou art excused,” and taking the letter, went away.

_THE HUSBAND AND THE PARROT_

There lived once a good man who had a beautiful wife, of whom he was

so passionately fond that he could scarcely bear to have her out of

his sight. One day, when some particular business obliged him to leave

her, he went to a place where they sold all sorts of birds. Here he

purchased a parrot, which was not only highly accomplished in the art

of talking, but also possessed the rare gift of telling everything that

was done in its presence. The husband took it home in a cage to his

wife, and begged of her to keep it in her chamber, and take great care

of it during his absence. After this he set out on his journey.

On his return he did not fail to interrogate the parrot on what had

passed while he was away; and the bird very expertly related a few

circumstances which occasioned the husband to reprimand his wife.

She supposed that some of her slaves had betrayed her, but they all

assured her they were faithful, and agreed in charging the parrot with

the crime. Desirous of being convinced of the truth of this matter,

the wife devised a method of quieting the suspicions of her husband,

and at the same time of revenging herself on the parrot, if he were

the culprit. The next time the husband was absent she ordered one

of her slaves during the night to turn a handmill under the bird’s

cage, another to throw water over it like rain, and a third to wave a

looking-glass before the parrot by the light of a candle. The slaves

were employed the greater part of the night in doing what their

mistress had ordered them, and succeeded to her satisfaction.

The following day, when the husband returned, he again applied to the

parrot to be informed of what had taken place. The bird replied, “My

dear master, the lightning, the thunder, and the rain have so disturbed

me the whole night, that, I cannot tell you how much I have suffered.”

The husband, who knew there had been no storm that night, became

convinced that the parrot did not always relate facts, and that having

told an untruth in this particular, he had also deceived him with

respect to his wife. Being therefore extremely enraged with it, he took

the bird out of the cage and, dashing it on the floor, killed it. He,

however, afterward learned from his neighbors that the poor parrot had

told no falsehood in reference to his wife’s conduct, which made him

repent of having destroyed it.

_BAKBARAH’S VISIT TO THE HAREM_

Bakbarah the Toothless, my second brother, walking one day through the

city, met an old woman in a retired street. She thus accosted him: “I

have,” said she, “a word to say to you, if you will stay a moment.” He

immediately stopped, and asked her what she wished. “If you have time

to go with me,” she replied, “I will take you to a most magnificent

palace, where you shall see a lady more beautiful than the day. She

will receive you with a great deal of pleasure, and will treat you with

a collation and excellent wine. I have no occasion, I believe, to say

any more.” “But is what you tell me,” replied my brother, “true?” “I

am not given to lying,” replied the old woman; “I propose nothing to

you but what is the fact. You must, however, pay attention to what I

require of you. You must be prudent, speak little, and must comply with

everything.”

Bakbarah having agreed to the conditions, she walked on before, and he

followed her. They arrived at the gate of a large palace, where there

were a great number of officers and servants. Some of them wished to

stop my brother, but the old woman no sooner spoke to them, than they

let him pass. She then turned to my brother, and said, “Remember that

the young lady to whose house I have brought you is fond of mildness

and modesty; nor does she like being contradicted. If you satisfy her

in this, there is no doubt you will obtain whatever you wish.” Bakbarah

thanked her for this advice, and promised to profit by it.

She then took him into a very beautiful apartment, which formed part of

a square building. It corresponded with the magnificence of the palace;

there was a gallery all round it, and in the midst of it a very fine

garden. The old woman made him sit down on a sofa that was handsomely

furnished, and desired him to wait there a moment, till she went to

inform the young lady of his arrival.

As my brother had never before been in so superb a place, he

immediately began to observe all the beautiful things that were in

sight; and judging of his good fortune by the magnificence he beheld,

he could hardly contain his joy. He almost immediately heard a great

noise, which came from a long troop of slaves who were enjoying

themselves, and came toward him, bursting out at the same time into

violent fits of laughter. In the midst of them he perceived a young

lady of most extraordinary beauty, whom he easily discovered to be

their mistress, by the attention they paid her. Bakbarah, who expected

merely a private conversation with the lady, was very much surprised at

the arrival of so large a company. In the meantime the slaves, putting

on a serious air, approached him; and when the young lady was near the

sofa, my brother, who had risen up, made a most profound reverence.

She took the seat of honor, and then, having requested him to resume

his, she said to him, in a smiling manner, “I am delighted to see you,

and wish you everything you can yourself desire.” “Madam,” replied

Bakbarah, “I cannot wish a greater honor than that of appearing before

you.” “You seem to me,” she replied, “of so good-humored a disposition,

that we shall pass our time very agreeably together.”

She immediately ordered a collation to be served up, and they covered

the table with baskets of various fruits and sweetmeats. She then sat

down at the table along with my brother and the slaves. As it happened

that he was placed directly opposite to her, she observed, as soon

as he opened his mouth to eat, he had no teeth; she remarked this to

her slaves, and they all laughed immoderately at it. Bakbarah, who

from time to time raised his head to look at the lady and saw that

she was laughing, imagined it was from the pleasure she felt at being

in his company, and flattered himself, therefore, that she would soon

order the slaves to retire, and that he should enjoy her conversation

in private. The lady easily guessed his thoughts, and took a pleasure

in continuing a delusion which seemed so agreeable to him: she said a

thousand soft, tender things, and presented the best of everything to

him with her own hand.

When the collation was finished, she arose from table; ten slaves

instantly took some musical instruments and began to play and sing,

the others to dance. In order to make himself the more agreeable, my

brother also began dancing, and the young lady herself partook of the

amusement. After they had danced for some time, they all sat down to

take breath. The lady ordered him to bring her a glass of wine, then

cast a smile at my brother, to intimate that she was going to drink to

his health. He instantly rose up, and stood while she drank. As soon

as she had finished, instead of returning the glass, she had it filled

again, and presented it to my brother, that he might pledge her.

Bakbarah took the glass, and in receiving it from the young lady he

kissed her hand, then drank to her, standing the whole time, to show

his gratitude for the favor she had done him. After this the young

lady made him sit down by her side, and began to give him signs of

affection. She put her arm round his neck, and frequently gave him

gentle pats with her hand. Delighted with these favors, he thought

himself the happiest man in the world; he also was tempted to begin

to play in the same manner with this charming creature, but he durst

not take this liberty before the slaves, who had their eyes upon him,

and who continued to laugh at this trifling. The young lady still kept

giving him such gentle taps, till at last she began to apply them so

forcibly that he grew angry at it. He reddened, and got up to sit

farther from so rude a playfellow. At this moment the old woman, who

had brought my brother there, looked at him in such a way as to make

him understand that he was wrong, and had forgotten the advice she had

before given him. He acknowledged his fault, and, to repair it, he

again approached the young lady, pretending that he had not gone to a

distance through anger. She then took hold of him by the arm, and drew

him toward her, making him again sit down close by her, and continuing

to bestow a thousand pretended caresses on him. Her slaves, whose only

aim was to divert her, began to take a part in the sport. One of them

gave poor Bakbarah a fillip on the nose with all her strength, another

pulled his ears almost off, while the rest kept giving him slaps, which

passed the limits of raillery and fun.

My brother bore all this with the most exemplary patience; he even

affected an air of gaiety, and looked at the old woman with a forced

smile. “You were right,” said he, “when you said that I should find a

very fine, agreeable, and charming young lady. How much am I obliged

to you for it!” “Oh, this is nothing yet,” replied the old woman;

“let her alone, and you will see very different things by and by.”

The young lady then spoke. “You are a fine man,” said she to my

brother, “and I am delighted at finding in you so much kindness and

complaisance toward all my little fooleries, and that you possess

a disposition so conformable to mine.” “Madam,” replied Bakbarah,

ravished with this speech, “I am no longer myself, but am entirely at

your disposal; you have full power to do with me as you please.” “You

afford me the greatest delight,” added the lady, “by showing so much

submission to my inclination. I am perfectly satisfied with you, and I

wish that you should be equally so with me. Bring,” cried she to the

attendants, “perfumes and rose-water!” At these words two slaves went

out and instantly returned, one with a silver vase, in which there was

exquisite aloe-wood, with which she perfumed him, and the other with

rose-water, which she sprinkled over his face and hands. My brother

could not contain himself for joy at seeing himself so handsomely and

honorably treated.

When this ceremony was finished, the young lady commanded the slaves

who had before sung and played to recommence their concert. They

obeyed; and while this was going on, the lady called another slave,

and ordered her to take my brother with her saying, “You know what to

do; and when you have finished, return with him to me.” Bakbarah, who

heard this order given, immediately got up, and going toward the old

woman, who had also risen to accompany the slave, he requested her to

tell him what they wished him to do. “Our mistress,” replied she, in

a whisper, “is extremely curious, and she wishes to see how you would

look disguised as a female; this slave, therefore, has orders to take

you with her, to paint your eyebrows, shave your mustachios, and dress

you like a woman.” “You may paint my eyebrows,” said my brother, “as

much as you please; to that I readily agree, because I can wash them

again; but as to shaving me, that, mind you, I will by no means suffer.

How do you think I dare appear without my mustachios?” “Take care,”

answered the woman, “how you oppose anything that is required of you.

You will quite spoil your fortune, which is going on as prosperously as

possible. She loves you, and wishes to make you happy. Will you, for

the sake of a paltry mustachio, forego the most delicious favors any

man can possibly enjoy?”

Bakbarah at length yielded to the old woman’s arguments, and without

saying another word, he suffered the slave to conduct him to an

apartment, where they painted his eyebrows red. They shaved his

mustachios, and were absolutely going to shave his beard. But the

easiness of my brother’s tempter did not carry him quite so far as to

suffer that. “Not a single stroke,” he exclaimed, “shall you take at

my beard!” The slave represented to him that it was of no use to have

cut off his mustachios if he would not also agree to lose his beard;

that a hairy countenance did not at all coincide with the dress of a

woman; and that she was astonished that a man, who was on the very

point of possessing the most beautiful woman in Bagdad, should care for

his beard. The old woman also joined with the slave, and added fresh

reasons; she threatened my brother with being quite in disgrace with

her mistress. In short, she said so much that he at last permitted them

to do what they wished.

As soon as they had dressed him like a woman, they brought him back

to the young lady, who burst into so violent a fit of laughter at the

sight of him, that she fell down on the sofa on which she was sitting.

The slaves all began to clap their hands, so that my brother was put

quite out of countenance. The young lady then got up, and continuing

to laugh all the time, said, “After the complaisance you have shown to

me, I should be guilty of a crime not to bestow my whole heart upon

you; but it is necessary that you should do one thing more for love

of me: it is only to dance before me as you are.” He obeyed; and the

young lady and the slaves danced with him, laughing all the while as if

they were crazy. After they had danced for some time, they all threw

themselves upon the poor wretch, and gave him so many blows, both with

their hands and feet, that he fell down almost fainting. The old woman

came to his assistance, and without giving him time to be angry at such

ill treatment, she whispered in his ear, “Console yourself, for you

are now arrived at the conclusion of your sufferings, and are about

to receive the reward for them. You have only one thing more to do,”

added she, “and that is a mere trifle. You must know that my mistress

makes it her custom, whenever she has drunk a little, as she has done

to-day, not to suffer anyone she loves to come near her, unless they

are stripped to their shirt. When they are in this situation, she takes

advantage of a short distance, and begins running before them through

the gallery, and from room to room, till they have caught her. This is

one of her fancies. Now, at whatever distance from you she may start,

you, who are so light and active, can easily overtake her. Undress

yourself quickly, therefore, and remain in your shirt, and do not make

any difficulty about it.”

My brother had already carried his complying humor too far to stop

at this. The young lady at the same time took off her outer robe, in

order to run with greater ease. When they were both ready to begin the

race, the lady took the advantage of about twenty paces, and then

started with wonderful celerity. My brother followed her with all

his strength, but not without exciting the risibility of the slaves,

who kept clapping their hands all the time. The young lady, instead

of losing any of the advantage she had first taken, kept continually

gaining ground of my brother. She ran round the gallery two or three

times, then turned off down a long dark passage, where she saved

herself by a turn of which my brother was ignorant. Bakbarah, who kept

constantly following her, lost sight of her in this passage, and he was

also obliged to run much slower, because it was so dark. He at last

perceived a light, toward which he made all possible haste; he went out

through a door which was instantly shut upon him.

You may easily imagine what was his astonishment at finding himself

in the middle of a street inhabited by curriers. Nor were they less

surprised at seeing him in his shirt, his eyebrows painted red, and

without either beard or mustachios. They began to clap their hands, to

hoot at him; and some even ran after him, and kept lashing him with

strips of their leather. They then stopped him, and set him on an ass,

which they accidentally met with, and led him through the city, exposed

to the laughter and shouts of the mob.

To complete his misfortune, they led him through the street where the

judge of the police court lived, and this magistrate immediately sent

to inquire the cause of the uproar. The curriers informed him that they

saw my brother, exactly in the state he then was, come out of the gate

leading to the apartments of the women belonging to the grand vizier,

which opened into their street. The judge then ordered the unfortunate

Bakbarah, upon the spot, to receive a hundred strokes on the soles of

his feet, to be conducted without the city, and forbade him ever to

enter it again.--_History of the Barber’s Second Brother._

* * * * *

Persian Wit and humor is best known to us through the _Rubaiyat of

Omar Khayyam_.

While their interest lies partly in the adept translation, the wit of

the original is clearly self evident.

XXVII

Myself when young did eagerly frequent

Doctor and Saint, and heard great argument

About it and about: but evermore

Came out by the same door where in I went.

XXVIII

With them the seed of Wisdom did I sow,

And with mine own hand wrought to make it grow;

And this was all the Harvest that I reap’d--

“I came like Water, and like Wind I go.”

XXIX

Into this Universe, and _Why_ not knowing

Nor _Whence_, like Water willy-nilly flowing;

And out of it, as Wind along the Waste,

I know not _Whither_, willy-nilly blowing.

XXX

What, without asking, hither hurried _Whence_?

And, without asking, _Whither_ hurried hence!

Oh, many a Cup of this forbidden Wine

Must drown the memory of that insolence!

XXXI

Up from Earth’s Centre through the Seventh Gate

I rose, and on the Throne of Saturn sate,

And many a Knot unravel’d by the Road;

But not the Master-knot of Human Fate.

XXXII

There was the Door to which I found no Key;

There was the Veil through which I might not see:

Some little talk awhile of ME and THEE

There was--and then no more of THEE and ME.

LIV

Waste not your Hour, nor in the vain pursuit

Of This and That endeavour and dispute;

Better be jocund with the fruitful Grape

Than sadden after none, or bitter, Fruit.

LV

You know, my Friends, with what a brave Carouse

I made a Second Marriage in my house;

Divorced old barren Reason from my Bed,

And took the Daughter of the Vine to Spouse.

LIX

The Grape that can with Logic absolute

The Two-and-Seventy jarring Sects confute:

The sovereign Alchemist that in a trice

Life’s leaden metal into Gold transmute:

LXI

Why, be this Juice the growth of God, who dare

Blaspheme the twisted tendril as a Snare?

A Blessing, we should use it, should we not?

And if a Curse--why, then, Who set it there?

LXVIII

We are no other than a moving row

Of Magic Shadow-shapes that come and go

Round with the Sun-illumin’d Lantern held

In Midnight by the Master of the Show;

LXIX

But helpless Pieces of the Game He plays

Upon this Chequer-board of Nights and Days:

Hither and thither moves, and checks, and slays,

And one by one back in the Closet lays.

LXX

The Ball no question makes of Ayes and Noes,

But Here or There as strikes the Player goes;

And He that toss’d you down into the Field,

_He_ knows about it all--HE knows--HE knows!

LXXII

And that inverted Bowl they call the Sky,

Whereunder crawling coop’d we live and die,

Lift not your hands to _It_ for help--for it

As impotently moves as you or I.

XCIII

Indeed the Idols I have loved so long

Have done my credit in this World much wrong:

Have drown’d my Glory in a shallow Cup,

And sold my Reputation for a Song.

XCIV

Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before

I swore--but was I sober when I swore?

And then and then came Spring, and Rose-in-hand

My thread-bare Penitence apieces tore.

XCV

And much as Wine has play’d the Infidel,

And robb’d me of my Robe of Honour--Well,

I wonder often what the Vintners buy

One half so precious as the stuff they sell.

Firdausi, the greatest Epic poet of Persia, gives us this witty epigram.

_ON SULTAN MAHMOUD_

’Tis said our monarch’s liberal mind

Is like the ocean, unconfined.

Happy are they who prove it so;

’Tis not for me that fact to know:

I’ve plunged within its waves, ’tis true,

But not a single pearl could view.

Sadi, one of the greatest of Persian poets, was also a great scholar,

and wrote in both Persian and Arabian, beside being, it is said, the

first poet to write in Hindustani.

His works are numerous and beautiful, both in verse and prose, and show

a graceful wit.

_DISCOMFORT BETTER THAN DROWNING_

A king was embarked along with a Persian boy slave on board a ship. The

boy had never been at sea nor experienced the inconvenience of a ship.

He set up a weeping and wailing, and all his limbs were in a state

of trepidation; and however much they soothed him, he was not to be

pacified. The king’s pleasure-party was disconcerted by him; but there

was no help for it. On board that ship there was a physician. He said

to the king, “If you will order it, I can manage to silence him.” The

king replied, “It will be an act of great favor.”

The physician so directed that they threw the boy into the sea, and

after he had plunged repeatedly, they seized him by the hair of the

head and drew him close to the ship, when he clung with both hands to

the rudder, and, scrambling upon the deck, slunk into a corner and sat

down quiet. The king, pleased with what he saw, said, “What art is

there in this?” The boy replied that originally he had not experienced

the danger of being drowned, and undervalued the safety of being in a

ship. In like manner, a person is aware of the preciousness of health

when he is overtaken with the calamity of sickness.

_A barley loaf of bread has, oh, epicure, no relish for thee._

_To the houris, or nymphs of paradise, purgatory would be a hell. Ask

the inmates of hell whether purgatory is not paradise._

_There is a distinction between the man that folds his mistress

in his arms and him whose two eyes are fixed on the door expecting

her._--_The Rose Garden (Gulistan)._

_THE STRICT SCHOOLMASTER AND THE MILD_

In the west of Africa I saw a schoolmaster of a sour aspect and bitter

speech, crabbed, misanthropic, and intemperate, insomuch that the sight

of him would derange the ecstasies of the orthodox, and his manner of

reading the Koran cast a gloom over the minds of the pious. A number

of handsome boys and lovely virgins were subject to his despotic sway;

they had neither the permission of a smile nor the option of a word,

for this moment he would smite the silver cheek of one of them with his

hand, and the next put the crystalline legs of another in the stocks.

In short, their parents, I heard, were made aware of a part of his

angry violence, and beat and drove him from his charge.

They made over his school to a peaceable creature, so pious, meek,

simple, and good-natured that he never spoke till forced to do so, nor

would he utter a word that could offend anybody. The children forgot

that awe in which they had held their first master, and remarking the

angelic disposition of their second master, they became one after

another as wicked as devils. Relying on his clemency, they would so

neglect their studies as to pass most part of their time at play, and

break the tablets of their unfinished tasks over each other’s heads.

_When the schoolmaster relaxes in his discipline, the children will

stop to play at marbles in the market-place._

A fortnight after I passed by the gate of that mosque, and saw the

first schoolmaster, with whom they had been obliged to make friends and

to restore him to his place. I was in truth offended, and calling on

God to witness, asked, saying, “Why have they again made a devil the

preceptor of angels?”

A facetious old gentleman, who had seen much of life, listened to me,

and replied, “A king sent his son to school, and hung a tablet of

silver round his neck. On the face of that tablet he had written in

golden letters, ‘The severity of the master is more useful than the

indulgence of the father.’”--_The Rose Garden (Gulistan)._

_HATEFULNESS OF OLD HUSBANDS_

An old man married a young virgin. He adorned the bridal chamber with

flowers, seated himself with her in private, and riveted his heart and

eyes upon her. Many a long night he would lie awake and indulge in

pleasantries and jests, in order to remove any coyness on her part, and

encourage familiarity. One of those nights he addressed her thus:

“Lofty fortune was your friend, and the eye of your prosperity broad

awake, when you fell into the society of such an old gentleman as I

am, being of mature judgment, well-bred, worldly experienced, inured

to the vicissitudes of heat and cold, and practised in the goods and

evils of life, who can appreciate the rights of good-fellowship,

and fulfil the duties of loving attachment and is kind and affable,

sweet-spoken, and cheerful. I will treat you with affection, as far

as I can, and if you deal with me unkindly, I will not be unkind in

return. _If, like a parrot, thy food be sugar, I will devote my sweet

life for thy nourishment._ And you did not become the victim of a

rude, conceited, rash, and headstrong youth, who one moment gratifies

his lust, and the next has a fresh object; who every night shifts his

abode, and every day changes his mistress. Young men are lively and

handsome, but they keep good faith with nobody. _Expect not constancy

from nightingales, who will every moment serenade a fresh rose._

Whereas my class of seniors regulate their lives by good breeding and

sense, and are not deluded by youthful ignorance.”

_Court the society of a superior, and make much of the opportunity!

for in the company of an equal thy good fortune must decline._

The old man spoke a great deal in this style, and thought that he had

caught her heart in his snare, and made sure of her as his prey, when

she suddenly drew a cold sigh from the bottom of a much-afflicted

bosom, and answered:

“All this speech which you have delivered has not, in the scale of my

judgment, the weight of that one sentence which I have heard of my

nurse, that it were better to plant a spear in a young maiden’s side

than to lay her by an old man in bed. Much contention and strife will

arise in that house where the wife shall get dissatisfied with her

husband.”

_Unable to rise without the help of a staff, how can an old man stir

the staff of life?_

In short, there being no prospect of concord, they agreed to separate.

After lapse of the period prescribed by the law, she united in wedlock

with a young man of an ill-tempered and sullen disposition, and in very

narrow circumstances, so that she endured much tyranny and violence,

penury and hardship. Yet she was thus offering up thanksgivings for the

Almighty’s goodness, and saying:

“Praised be God that I have escaped from such hell-torment, and secured

a blessing so permanent. With all this violence and impetuosity of

temper, I bear with his caprice, because he is handsome. It were better

for me to burn with him in hellfire than to dwell in paradise with the

other.”

_The smell of an onion from the mouth of the lovely is sweeter than

that of a rose in the hand of the ugly._

--_The Rose Garden (Gulistan)._

* * * * *

1. LOCMAN the wise being asked, “Whence did you learn wisdom?”

answered, _From the blind, who try the path with a stick before they

tread on it_....

4. HORMUS the tyrant, being asked, why he had put his father’s

courtiers in prison, answered, _Because they feared me; and the

wise say, Fear him who fears thee, though he be a fly, and thou an

elephant_.

5. A religious was famous at Bagdad for his powerful prayers. Hoschas

Joseph, king of Persia, begged him to pray for him. The religious said,

_O God, take away this man’s life! for no better prayer can I make

either for him or his subjects_.

6. An infamous king asked a Dervise, “Of all pious offices, which is

the chief?” The Dervise answered, _For thee, the chief is a long

sleep at noon, that thou mayest, for a short time, cease to injure

mankind_.

7. A courtier being deprived of his place, became a religious. After

some time, the king wished to restore him to his station; but he said,

_Experience has now taught me to prefer ease to dignity_.

7. A slave of Omer, the viceroy, fled from his service, but was

retaken, and brought before the king; who, at Omer’s instigation,

condemned him to death. The slave upon this said, _O king, I am an

innocent man; and, if I die by thy command, my blood will be required.

Permit me then to incur guilt before I meet my sentence. Let me kill

this Omer, my master, and I shall die contented. It is for thy sake

only I desire this_. The king, laughing at this new mode of clearing

his own justice, acquitted the wretch.

9. A master had taught a youth to wrestle; who, proud of his acquired

skill, and possest of more strength than his master, wished to acquire

fame at his expence, and challenged him to wrestle before the court.

The master, by one trick, which he had not taught the youth, threw him

at once: and, the youth complaining that he had not taught him all his

art, the master said, _No. I always provide against ingratitude_.

10. A religious sitting by the highway, the king passed by; but the

religious took no notice of him. A courtier saying “Do not you see

the king?” was answered, _I want nothing of him. Kings are made for

subjects, not subjects for kings. Why then should I respect him who

is the publick servant?_ This anecdote from Sadi differs much from

present Eastern despotism.

11. A courtier went to his master, SUELNUN, king of Egypt,

and begged permission to retire; saying, “Though I am night and day

anxious in thy service; yet the fear of once displeasing thee makes me

wretched.” Suelnun, in tears, exclaimed, _Ah, did I serve God, as

thou thy king, I should be one of the just_.

12. A king condemned an innocent man to death, who said, _O king, thy

anger rages against me, but will injure thyself_. “How?” rejoined

the king. _Because my pain lasts but for a moment; but thine for

ever._ Pardon followed.

13. The courtiers of king Nourshivan consulting with him on important

business, when the king had spoken, one of them assented to his

opinion, against the rest. Being asked the cause, he said, _Human

affairs depend on chance, not on wisdom: and, if we err with the king,

who shall condemn us?_ ...

17. A king saying to a Dervise, “Do you never think on me?” was

answered, _Yes: but it is when I forget God_.

18. A Dervise, in a dream, saw a king in paradise, but a religious in

hell, and thought that, upon enquiring the cause, he was told, _The

king used to keep company with Dervises; and the Dervise with kings_.

19. LOCMAN, the sage, being asked, where he learned virtue, he

answered, _Of the vicious, for they taught me what to shun_.

20. Abu Hurura used often to visit MUSTAPHA, who one day said

to him, _O Abu Hurura, visiting seldom feeds love and friendship_.

21. SADI, being taken prisoner by the Franks, or Christians,

was redeemed for ten pieces of gold, by one, who also gave him his

daughter in marriage, with one hundred pieces of gold as a dower.

The lady, being a termagant, once reproached him with this; and he

said, _Yes, I was redeemed for ten pieces, and made a slave for a

hundred_.

22. Some wicked men using a religious very ill, he went to an old

dervise, and complained much. The elder told him, _Son, our habit is

that of patience. Why do you wear it, if it does not fit you?_

23. A sage seeing a strong man in a passion, asked the cause, and being

told that it was on account of an affronting word, he exclaimed, _O

strong man, with a weak mind! who could bear an elephant’s load, yet

cannot bear a word_.

24. A lawyer gave his daughter, who was very deformed in marriage

to a blind man. A celebrated oculist coming to the place, the lawyer

was asked why he did not employ him for his son-in-law? To which he

answered, _Why should I endeavour to procure the divorce of my

daughter?_

25. Ardeschir enquiring of a physician, how much food was necessary for

a day? was answered, eight ounces. Ardeschir said, “How can so little

support a man?” The physician replied, _That will support him; if he

takes more, he must support it_....

27. A robber said to a beggar, “Art thou not ashamed to stretch out

thy hand to all for a piece of copper?” The beggar answered, _It is

better to stretch it out for a piece of copper, than have it cut off

for a piece of gold_.

29. SADI being about to purchase a house, a Jew came up and said, “I

am an old neighbour, and know the house to be good and sufficient. Buy

it by all means.” Sadi answered, _The house must be bad if thou art a

neighbour_....

31. An old man being asked, why he did not take a wife, answered, _I

do not like old women: and a young woman, I judge from that, can never

like me_.

32. A courtier sent a foolish son to be educated by a sage. He made

no progress, and some time after the sage brought him back, saying,

_This boy will never be wiser; and he has even made me foolish in

teaching him_.

33. A king sent his son to an instructor, desiring him to educate the

boy, as he did his own sons. The preceptor laboured in vain to teach

the young prince, though his own sons made great progress. The king

sending for him and reproaching him for this; he answered, _O king,

the education was the same, but the capacity differed. We find gold in

the soil! yet gold is not found in every soil_.

34. A man having sore eyes went to a mule-doctor, who gave him an

ointment that struck him blind. The man brought his doctor before the

cadi, who acquitted him; saying to the patient, _If you had not been

an ass, you would not have applied to a mule-doctor_.

35. Sadi saw two boys, one the son of a rich man, the other of a poor,

sitting in a cemetery. The former said “My father’s tomb is marble,

marked with letters of gold: but what is your father’s? two turfs and a

handful of dust spread over them.” The poor boy answered, _Be silent.

Before your father shall have moved his marble! mine shall be already

in paradise_.

36. MUHAMMED, the learned priest of Gasala, being asked, how

he had acquired so much science? answered, _I never was ashamed to

ask and learn what I did not know_....

Jalal uddin Rumi was another Persian who wrote a series of stories

conveying moral maxims.

_THE SICK SCHOOLMASTER_

The boys of a certain school were tired of their teacher, as he was

very strict in the exaction of diligence; so they consulted together

for the best means of getting rid of him for a time. Said they, “Why

does he not fall ill, so that he may be obliged to be away from school,

and we be released from confinement and work? Alas! he stands as firm

as a rock.” One of them, who was wiser than the rest, suggested this

plan: “I shall go to the teacher, and ask him why he looks so pale,

saying, ‘May it turn out well! But your face has not its usual color.

Is it due to the weather, or to fever?’ This will create some alarm

in his mind. Then you, brother,” he continued, turning to another

boy, “must assist me by using similar words. When you come into the

schoolroom you must say to the teacher, ‘I hope, sir, you are well.’

This will tend to increase his apprehension, even though in a slight

degree; and you know that even slight doubts are often enough to drive

a man mad. Then a third, a fourth, and a fifth boy must one after

another express his sympathy in similar words, till at last, when

thirty boys successively have given expression to words of like nature,

the teacher’s apprehension will be confirmed.”

The boys praised his ingenuity, and wished each other success; and

they bound themselves by solemn promises not to shirk doing what was

expected of them. Then the first boy bade them take oaths of secrecy,

lest some telltale should let the matter out.

Next morning the boys came to school in a cheerful mood, having

resolved on adopting the foregoing plan. They all stood outside the

schoolhouse, waiting for the arrival of the friend who had helped them

in the time of need--since it was he who had originated the plan: it

is the head that is the governor of the legs. The first boy arrived,

entered the schoolroom, and greeted the teacher with “I hope you are

well, sir, but the color of your face is very pale.”

“Nonsense!” said the teacher; “there is nothing the matter with me. Go

and take your seat.” But inwardly he was somewhat apprehensive. Another

boy came in, and in similar words greeted the teacher, whose misgivings

were thereby somewhat increased. And so on, one boy after another

greeted him, till his worst apprehensions seemed to be confirmed, and

he was in great anxiety regarding the state of his health.

He got enraged at his wife. “Her love for me is waning,” he thought. “I

am in this bad state of health, and she did not even ask what was the

matter with me. She did not draw my attention to the color of my face.

Perhaps she is not unwilling that I should die.”

Full of such thoughts, he came to his home, followed by the boys, and

flung open the door. His wife exclaimed, “I hope nothing is the matter

with you! Why have you returned so soon?”

“Are you blind?” he answered. “Look at the color of my face, and at my

condition! Even strangers show sympathetic alarm about my health.”

“Well, I see nothing wrong,” said the wife. “You must be laboring under

some senseless delusion.”

“Woman,” he rejoined impatiently, “you are most obstinate! Can you not

perceive the altered hue of my face and the shivering of my body? Go

and get my bed made, that I may lie down, for my head is dizzy.”

The bed was prepared, and the teacher lay down on it, giving vent

to sighs and groans. The boys he ordered to sit there and read the

lessons, which they did with much vexation. They said to themselves,

“We did so much to be free, and still we are in confinement. The

foundation was not well laid; we are bad architects. Some other plan

must now be adopted, so that we may be rid of this annoyance.”

The clever boy who had instigated the first plot advised the others

to read their lessons very loudly; and when they did so, he said, in

a tone to be overheard by the teacher, “Boys, your voices disturb our

teacher. Loud voices will only increase his headache. Is it proper that

he should be made to suffer pain for the sake of the trifling fees he

gets from us?”

The teacher said, “He is right. Boys, you may go. My headache has

increased. Be off with you!” And the boys scampered away home as

eagerly as birds fly toward a spot where they see grain.

The mothers of the boys, on seeing them return, got angry, and thus

challenged them, “This is the time for you to learn writing, and you

are engaged in play. This is the time for acquiring knowledge, and you

fly from your books and your teacher.”

The boys urged that it was no fault of theirs, and that they were in no

way to blame, for, by the decree of fate, their teacher had become very

ill.

The mothers, disbelieving, said, “This is all deceit and falsehood. You

would not scruple to tell a hundred lies to get a little quantity of

buttermilk. To-morrow morning we shall go to the teacher’s house, and

shall ascertain what truth there is in your assertions.”

So the next morning the mothers went to visit the teacher, whom they

found lying in bed like a very sick person. He had perspired freely,

owing to his having covered himself with blankets. His head was

bandaged, and his face was covered with a kerchief. He was groaning in

a feeble voice.

The ladies expressed their sympathy, hoped his headache was getting

less, and swore by his soul that they had been unaware until quite

lately that he was so ill.

“I, too,” said the teacher, “was unaware of my illness. It was through

those little bastards that I learned of it.”

--_Stories in Rime (Masnavi)._

_THE INVALID AND HIS DEAF VISITOR_

A deaf man was informed that an neighbor of his was ill, so he resolved

upon going to see him. “But,” said he to himself, “owing to my deafness

I shall not be able to catch the words of the sick man, whose voice

must be very feeble at this time. However, go I must. When I see his

lips moving I shall be able to make a reasonably good conjecture of

what he is saying. When I ask him, ‘How are you, oh, my afflicted

friend?’ he will probably reply, ‘I am well,’ or ‘I am better.’ I shall

then say, ‘Thanks be to God! Tell me, what have you taken for food?’

He will probably mention some liquid food or gruel. I shall then wish

that the food may agree with him, and shall ask him the name of the

physician under whose treatment he is. On his naming the man, I shall

say, ‘He is a skilful leech. Since it is he who is attending upon you,

you will soon be well. I have had experience of him. Wherever he goes,

his patients very soon recover.”

So the deaf man, having prepared himself for the visit, went to the

invalid’s bedside, and sat down near the pillow. Then, rubbing his

hands together with assumed cheerfulness, he inquired, “How are you?”

“I am dying,” replied the patient. “Thanks be to God!” rejoined the

deaf man.

The sick man was troubled in his heart, and said to himself, “What kind

of thanksgiving is this? Surely he must be an enemy of mine!”--little

thinking that his visitor’s remark was but the result of wrong

conjecture.

“What have you been eating?” was the next question; to which the reply

was, “Poison!” “May it agree with you,” was the wish expressed by the

deaf man which only increased the other’s vexation.

“And pray, who is your physician?” again asked the visitor, “Azrael,

the Angel of Death. And now, be-gone with you!” growled the invalid.

“Oh, is he?” pursued the deaf man. “Then you ought to rejoice, for he

is a man of auspicious footsteps. I saw him only just now, and asked

him to devote to you his best possible attention.”

With these words he bade the sick man good-by, and withdrew, rejoicing

that he had satisfactorily performed a neighborly duty. Meanwhile,

the other man was angrily muttering to himself, “This fellow is an

implacable foe of mine. I did not know his heart was so full of

malignity.”

--_Stories in Rime (Masnavi)._

_OLD AGE--DIALOGUE_

_Old Man._ I am in sore trouble owing to my brain.

_Physician._ The weakness of the brain is due to old age.

_Old Man._ Dark spots are floating before my eyes.

_Physician._ That, too, comes from old age, oh, venerable sheikh!

_Old Man._ My back aches very much.

_Physician._ The result of old age, oh, lean sheikh!

_Old Man._ No food that I take agrees with me.

_Physician._ The failure of the digestive organs is also due to

old age.

_Old Man._ I am afflicted with hard breathing.

_Physician._ Yes, the breathing ought to be affected in that

manner. When old age comes, it brings a hundred complaints in its train.

_Old Man._ My legs are getting feeble, and I am unable to walk

much.

_Physician._ It is nothing but old age which obliges you to sit in

a corner.

_Old Man._ My back has become bent like a bow.

_Physician._ This trouble is merely the consequence of old age.

_Old Man._ My eyesight is quite dim, oh, sage physician!

_Physician._ Nothing but old age, oh, wise man!

_Old Man._ Oh, you idiot, always harping on the same theme! Is

this all you know of the science of medicine? Fool, does not your

reason tell you that God has assigned a remedy to every ailment? You

are a stupid ass, and with your paltry stock of learning are still

fumbling in the mire!

_Physician._ Oh, you dotard past sixty, know, then, that even this

rage and fury is due to old age!

From Abu Ishak we glean this delightful bit of parody on Hafiz.

_PARODY ON HAFIZ_

HAFIZ ABU-ISHAK

Will those who can transmute Will those who sell cooked

dust into gold by looking sheep’s-head give us a sidelong

at it ever give a sidelong glance, when they open

glance at us? their pots in the morning?

The beauteous Turk, who The cook has to-day

is the cause of death to her bought onions for giving a

lovers, has to-day gone forth relish to minced meat. Let

intoxicated. Let us see from us see, now, from whose

whose eyes the heart’s blood eyes tears shall begin to

shall begin to flow. flow.

I have a yearning for se- I have an inclination for

clusion and peace. But, oh! abstinent living and observing

those narcissus-like eyes! fasts. But, oh! in what

The commotion they cause a tempting way doth the

me is inexpressible! roasted lamb wink at me!

No one should give up his No one should partake of

heart and his religion in the sauce to accompany sweetened

expectation of faithfulness rice colored with saffron.

from his sweetheart. My My having done so

having done so has resulted has given me cause for infinite

to me in lifelong repentance. regret.

And from

DO-PYAZAH

_THESE DEFINITIONS_

_Angel._ A hidden telltale.

_King._ The idlest man in the country.

_Minister of State._ The target for the arrows of the sighs of the

oppressed.

_Flatterer._ One who drives a profitable trade.

_Lawyer._ One ready to tell any lie.

_Fool._ An official, for instance, who is honest.

_Physician._ The herald of death.

_Widow._ A woman in the habit of praising her husband when he is

gone.

_Poet._ A proud beggar.

_Mirror._ One that laughs at you to your face.

_Bribe._ The resource of him who knows he has a bad cause.

_National Calamity._ A ruler who cares for nothing but the

pleasures of the harem.

_Salutation._ A polite hint to others to get up and greet you with

respect.

_Priest Calling to Prayers._ A disturber of the indolent.

_Faithful Friend._ Money.

_Truthful Man._ One who is regarded as an enemy by every one.

_Silence._ Half consent.

_Service._ Selling one’s independence.

_Hunting._ The occupation of those who have no work to do.

_Mother-in-Law._ A spy domiciled in your house.

_Debtor._ An ass in a quagmire.

_Liar._ A person making frequent use of the expression, “I swear

to God it is true!”

_Guest._ One in your house who is impatient to hear the dishes

clatter.

_Poverty._ The consequence of marriage.

_Hunger._ Something which falls to the lot of those out of

employment.

_Soporific._ Reading the verses of a dull poet.

_Druggist._ One who wishes everybody to be ill.

_Learned Man._ One who does not know how to earn his livelihood.

_Miser’s Eye._ A vessel which is never full.

_DIVING FOR AN EGG--ANECDOTE_

The Emperor Akbar was one day sitting with his attendants in the

garden of the palace, close to a large cistern full of water. At the

suggestion of a courtier, the emperor commanded some of the men present

to procure an egg each, and to place it in the cistern in such a manner

that it could easily be found when searched for.

Soon after the order had been obeyed, the Mollah Do-pyazah came to this

spot. Akbar then turned to his attendants, saying he had dreamed the

night before that there were eggs in the cistern, and that all who were

his faithful servants had dived in, and brought out an egg. Whereupon

the attendants one by one dived into the water, each one issuing forth

with an egg in his hand. Do-pyazah, not disposed himself to enter the

water, the emperor asked why he alone held aloof. The mollah, thus

pressed, divested himself of his outer garments and plunged in.

He searched for a long time, but could not find a single egg. At length

he emerged from the cistern, and, moving his arms in the manner of a

cock flapping his wings, he cried aloud, “Cock-a-doodle-doo!”

“What,” asked Akbar, “is the meaning of this?”

“Your Majesty,” came the reply, “those who brought you the eggs were

hens, but I am a cock, and you must not expect an egg from me.”

At which Akbar laughed heartily, and had Do-pyazah well rewarded.

* * * * *

The Chinese are more noted for their wit that is wisdom, than for their

humor.

Confucius, doubtless the greatest of their philosophers, born 551

B.C., left many sayings which became proverbs, yet which

embodied only the elementary morality of all ages and races.

These are some of the sayings from _The Analects of Confucius_.

“While a man’s father is alive, look at the bent of his will; when his

father is dead, look at his conduct.”

“An accomplished scholar is not a cooking-pot.”

“When good order prevailed in his country, Ning Wu acted the part of

a wise man; when his country was in disorder, he acted the part of a

fool. Others may equal his wisdom, but they cannot equal his folly.”

“How can one know about death, when one does not understand life?”

“Four horses cannot overtake the tongue.”

“If you were not covetous, you could not even bribe a man to steal from

you.”

“When their betters love the _Rules_ [_of Propriety_], then

the folk are easy tools.”

“Why use an ox-knife to kill a hen?”

“There are two classes that never change: the supremely wise and the

profoundly stupid.”

“If a man is disliked at forty, he always will be.”

“When driving with a woman, hold the reins in one hand and keep the

other behind your back.”

Chwang Tze, another ancient, wrote much of life, death and immortality,

but showed little sense of humor therein.

One of his anecdotes, in lighter vein, follows.

_THE PLEASURE OF FISHES--ANECDOTE_

Chwang Tze and a friend had strolled on to a bridge over the Hao, when

the former observed, “Look how the minnows are darting about! That is

the pleasure of fishes.”

“Not being a fish yourself,” objected the friend, “how can you possibly

know in what the pleasure of fishes consists?”

“And you not being I,” retorted Chwang Tze, “how can you know that I do

not know?”

To which the friend replied, “If I, not being you, cannot know what you

know, it follows that you, not being a fish, cannot know in what the

pleasure of fishes consists.”

“Let us go back,” rejoined Chwang Tze, “to your original question. You

ask me how I know in what the pleasure of fishes consists. Well, I

know that I am enjoying myself over the Hao, and from this I infer that

the fishes are enjoying themselves in it.”--_Autumn Floods._

Sung Yu gives us this satirical outburst about

_POPULARITY_

The eagle is king of the birds; among fishes

Leviathan holds the first place.

Cleaving the far, crimson clouds,

The eagle soars upward apace,

With only the blue sky above,

Into remote realms of space;

But the grandeur of heaven and earth

Is naught to the hedge-sparrow race.

The whale through one oceans swims,

To take its course through a second;

While the minnow measures a puddle

As the width of the sea might be reckoned.

And just as with birds and fishes,

Is the case, to be sure, with man.

Here soars a resplendent eagle,

There swims one huge leviathan:

Behold the philosopher sapient,

Whose fame will never grow dim;

Alone in the might of his wisdom--

Can the rabble understand him?

Yuan Mei, however, possessed a satiric humor so keen as to place him

among the true wits.

His letter to a friend might have been written today and his Cookery

Notes are such as are found in our current comics.

_A STANZA FOR A TOBACCO-POUCH_

DEAR FRIEND:

I have received your letter of congratulation, and am much obliged.

At the end of the letter, however, you mention that you have a

tobacco-pouch for me, which will be forwarded upon the receipt of

a stanza. But such an exchange would seem to establish a curious

precedent. If for a tobacco pouch you expect in return a stanza, for

a hat or a pair of boots you would demand a whole poem; while your

brother might bestow a cloak or coat upon me, and believe himself

entitled to an epic. At this rate, dear friend, your congratulations

would become rather costly to me.

Let me instruct you, on the other hand, that a man once gave a thousand

yards of silk for a phrase, and another man a beautiful girl for a

stanza--which makes your tobacco-pouch look like a slight inducement,

does it not?

Mencius forbids the taking advantage of people on the ground of one’s

rank or merits. How much worse, therefore, to do so by virtue of a mere

tobacco-pouch! Elegant as a tobacco-pouch may be, it is only the work

of a sempstress; but my poetry, poor as it may be, is the work of my

brain. The exchange would evidently be complimentary to the sempstress,

and the reverse to me.

Now, if you had taken needle and thread and made the pouch

yourself--ah, then what a difference! Then, indeed, a dozen stanzas

would not have been too great a return. But it would hardly be proper

to ask a famous warrior like yourself to lay down sword and shield for

needle and thread. Nor, dear friend, am I likely to get the pouch at

all, if you take offense at these little jokes of mine. What I advise

you to do is, to bear with me patiently, send the tobacco-pouch, and

wait for the stanza until it comes.

--_Letters._

_RECIPES_

Birds’ nests and water-slugs have no particular flavor of their own,

and are therefore not worth eating.

The best cook cannot prepare artistically more than five or six

different dishes in one day. A host of mine once had forty courses

served at a meal, and as soon as I got home I called for a bowl of rice

to still my hunger.

In order to enjoy the pleasures of the palate to the fullest degree,

you must be sober. If you are drunk, you cannot tell one flavor from

another.

The ingredients of a dish should always harmonize with one

another--like two people in marriage.

Some cooks use the flesh of chickens and pigs for one soup, and as

chickens and pigs have souls, they will hold those cooks to account, in

the next world, for their treatment of them in this.

Bamboo-shoots ought never to be cut with a knife which has just been

used on onions.

While cooking, do not allow ashes from your pipe, perspiration from

your face, soot from the fuel, or beetles from the ceiling to drop

into the saucepan: the guests would be likely to pass the dish

by.--_Cookery Book_

* * * * *

The following proverbs are generally attributed to the Chinese, some of

them being the wisdom of Confucius.

_PROVERBS_

An avaricious man, who can never get enough, is like a snake trying to

swallow an elephant.

To draw the picture of a tiger, and make a dog out of it, is to imitate

a masterpiece and spoil it.

Human pleasures are like the flittings of sparrows.

A narrow-minded man resembles a frog in a well.

Do not pull up your stockings in a melon-patch, or straighten your hat

in a peach orchard; any one seeing you may think you are stealing.

To talk much and arrive nowhere is the same as climbing a tree to catch

a fish.

One thread does not make a rope.

The tiger does not walk with the hind.

You can neither buy wood in the forest nor fish by the lake.

If a blind man leads another blind man, they will both fall into a

hole.

No maker of idols worships the gods; he knows their composition too

well.

A man with a purple nose may be very temperate in drink, only no one

will believe it.

Money makes the blind man see.

We admire our own writings, but other men’s wives.

If you are afraid of being found out, leave it alone.

Bend your neck if the eaves are low.

It’s not the wine that makes a man drunk; it’s the man himself.

A whisper on earth sounds like thunder in heaven.

To get a favor granted is harder than to kill a tiger.

Sweep the snow from your own door.

If there were no error there could be no truth.

A needle never pricks with both ends.

Don’t put two saddles on one horse.

Trust nature rather than a bad doctor.

* * * * *

The Japanese offer little that can be quoted. Their comedies are long

and not very funny, their wit is heavy and bitterly satirical.

One specimen is given from _The Land of Dreams_ by Kiokutei Bakin.

_ON CLOTHES AND COMFORTS_

However much money you have, you will not keep it long; it will leave

you, just like a traveler who has stayed overnight at an inn. The only

substantial things in life are food and drink. Any little house you

can just crawl into is large enough. The only difference between an

emperor’s palace and a straw hut is in their size and their situation,

one being in town and the other in the country. A single room, with

a mat long enough for you to stretch out your whole body, is quite

sufficient lodging. As for the clothes which you dress your carcass in,

the richest brocades and the commonest sackcloth differ only in being

clean or dirty. After you are dead, no one can tell, from looking at

your naked body, what sort of clothes you wore while alive. If these

facts were to become recognized, our clothes would be patched with any

sort of material or color. Now, however, a man will buy new, expensive

garments which he does not really want, owe the money for them, strut

about in these borrowed plumes, and finally pawn them.

--_The Land of Dreams._

_COLLECTIONS_

Apologues and stories, now common to all the world, had their origin

in remote antiquity. Eastern narratives were for the most part brought

to Europe orally, but some were later translated from the Oriental

writings.

Since at first, Religion and Learning went hand in hand, these stories

were of a moral and instructive nature. Their wit was the wit of

wisdom, the pithiness of graphic representation of truth.

But with the development of the wit of amusement, the rise of ribald

laughter and the supremacy of priests and monks, the stories took on a

mirthful character which may or may not have added to their efficacy as

cautionary teachings.

Humor, then, as now, was founded on the feeling of superiority which

comes from knowledge. The stories were invariably of the discomfiture

of some foolish person, and thereby, either definitely or tacitly

advised against that particular foolishness.

Narrative fiction was entirely in parables or apologues, the latter

term having come to be used exclusively for the tales in which animals

are invested with human traits.

Fables, also, is a term usually restricted to moral lessons taught by

anecdotes of beasts in human conditions.

As usual in the matter of legendary literature various countries

contend for the honor of producing the first fables.

The bestowal of the palm rests between the Hindus and the Hebrews, but

the decision may never be made.

A plausible assumption for the necessity of fables lies in the fact

that it was not the part of wisdom openly to administer reproof or

advice to the Asiatic potentates, wherefore it was done by the device

of speaking through the mouths of the fictitious characters.

And, through the ages, this plan has been found to work with

intractables of less celebrity.

But the question of the origin of these stories is outside our

Outline,--we may merely state that before, during and after the

Crusades, the flood of stories and tales from the Orient into Europe

was continuous.

Which accounts for the fact that among the oldest stories of the

various countries, duplicates are always found, and the ancient jests

of the Far East have raised and will raise appreciative laughter

as they are translated into all European tongues, including the

Scandinavian.

As religion gave rise to laughter, so religion was the medium for

disseminating mirth.

The preachers of the mediæval ages used many amusing stories in their

sermons and the monks often preserved these, with additions of their

own, in enduring literature.

But literature then was not in the form of circulating libraries, so

the tales traveled from mouth to mouth, gaining sometimes in interest

and sometimes losing charm or worth.

Perhaps about the tenth century translations began to be grouped into

collections, in Europe, and among the first was the Greek version of

the Fables of Pilpay. Soon after came the _Book of Sindibad_,

which would seem to be the original form of the story of Scheherazade.

But in most cases the monks were the go-between.

Their zeal and indefatigability produced masses of material, primarily

designed for the use of preachers, but easily adopted by the laymen.

The _Sermones_ of Jacques de Vitry, Crusader and prelate, and

the _Liber de Donis_ of Etienne de Bourbon are both remarkable

collections that predated and later gave material to the Gesta

Romanorum.

As an instance of the ubiquity of stories, it may be mentioned here

that in both the books above noticed, occurs the old tale of the

husband who had two wives, the younger one of whom plucked out all

his gray-white hairs, the older one plucked out all his black hairs,

leaving the poor chap entirely bald. This story is also in the Talmud,

in Chinese Jestbooks and in innumerable others.

So with many of the ancient tales. They come down through the Fabliaux,

Gesta Romanorum, the Heptameron, the Decameron and on to our own dinner

tables, where many of the “latest” are merely rehashed witticisms of

the ancient monks and priests.

Nor are the stories fastened on to celebrities often authentic. Many of

Sydney Smith’s witticisms hark back to the Eastern Tales, most of Joe

Miller’s jests have similar paternity.

Hierocles made a famous collection of old stories translated into

Greek. Others followed rapidly even before the invention of printing.

After that achievement, collections of stories flooded the book mart

even as they do today.

Selections from various collections follow.

Perhaps the oldest collection of tales in the world is that known

as the _Fables of Bidpai or Pilpay_. Both author and date of

production are unknown, but tradition tells us that they were written

in Sanscrit and were the work of one Vishnu Sarma, who wrote them for

the advice and edification of certain princes. The book is enormously

long and though not of humorous intent shows much of the native wit of

the country.

FABLES

_THE GREEDY AND AMBITIOUS CAT_

There was formerly an old Woman in a village, extremely thin,

half-starved, and meager. She lived in a little cottage as dark and

gloomy as a fool’s heart, and withal as close shut up as a miser’s

hand. This miserable creature had for the companion of her wretched

retirements a Cat meager and lean as herself; the poor creature never

saw bread, nor beheld the face of a stranger, and was forced to be

contented with only smelling the mice in their holes, or seeing the

prints of their feet in the dust. If by some extraordinary lucky chance

this miserable animal happened to catch a mouse, she was like a beggar

that discovers a treasure; her visage and her eyes were inflamed

with joy, and that booty served her for a whole week; and out of the

excess of her admiration, and distrust of her own happiness, she would

cry out to herself, “Heavens! Is this a dream, or is it real?” One

day, however, ready to die for hunger, she got upon the ridge of her

enchanted castle, which had long been the mansion of famine for cats,

and spied from thence another Cat, that was stalking upon a neighbour’s

wall like a Lion, walking along as if she had been counting her steps,

and so fat that she could hardly go. The old Woman’s Cat, astonished to

see a creature of her own species so plump and so large, with a loud

voice, cries out to her pursy neighbour, “In the name of pity, speak to

me, thou happiest of the Cat kind! why, you look as if you came from

one of the Khan of Kathai’s feasts; I conjure ye, to tell me how, or

in what region it is that you get your skin so well stuffed?” “Where?”

replied the fat one; “why, where should one feed well but at a King’s

table? I go to the house,” continued she, “every day about dinner-time,

and there I lay my paws upon some delicious morsel or other, which

serves me till the next, and then leave enough for an army of mice,

which under me live in peace and tranquillity; for why should I commit

murder for a piece of tough and skinny mouse flesh, when I can live on

venison at a much easier rate?” The lean Cat, on this, eagerly inquired

the way to this house of plenty, and entreated her plump neighbour to

carry her one day along with her. “Most willingly,” said the fat Puss;

“for thou seest I am naturally charitable, and thou art so lean that

I heartily pity thy condition.” On this promise they parted; and the

lean Cat returned to the old Woman’s chamber, where she told her dame

the story of what had befallen her. The old Woman prudently endeavoured

to dissuade her Cat from prosecuting her design, admonishing her

withal to have a care of being deceived. “For, believe me,” said she,

“the desires of the ambitious are never to be satiated, but when

their mouths are stuffed with the dirt of their graves. Sobriety and

temperance are the only things that truly enrich people. I must tell

thee, poor silly Cat, that they who travel to satisfy their ambition,

have no knowledge of the good things they possess, nor are they truly

thankful to Heaven for what they enjoy, who are not contented with

their fortune.”

The poor starved Cat, however, had conceived so fair an idea of

the King’s table, that the old Woman’s good morals and judicious

remonstrances entered in at one ear and went out at the other; in

short, she departed the next day with the fat Puss to go to the King’s

house; but alas! before she got thither, her destiny had laid a snare

for her. For being a house of good cheer, it was so haunted with cats,

that the servants had, just at this time, orders to kill all the cats

that came near it, by reason of a great robbery committed the night

before in the King’s larder by several grimalkins. The old Woman’s Cat,

however, pushed on by hunger, entered the house, and no sooner saw a

dish of meat unobserved by the cooks, but she made a seizure of it,

and was doing what for many years she had not done before, that is,

heartily filling her belly; but as she was enjoying herself under the

dresser-board, and feeding heartily upon her stolen morsels, one of the

testy officers of the kitchen, missing his breakfast, and seeing where

the poor Cat was solacing herself with it, threw his knife at her with

such an unlucky hand, that he stuck her full in the breast. However, as

it has been the providence of Nature to give his creature nine lives

instead of one, poor Puss made a shift to crawl away, after she had for

some time shammed dead: but, in her flight, observing the blood come

streaming from her wound; “Well,” said she, “let me but escape this

accident, and if ever I quit my old hold and my own mice for all the

rarities in the King’s kitchen, may I lose all my nine lives at once.”

_A RAVEN, A FOX, AND A SERPENT_

A Raven had once built her nest for many seasons together in a

convenient cleft of a mountain, but however pleasing the place was to

her, she had always reason enough to resolve to lay there no more; for

every time she hatched, a Serpent came and devoured her young ones.

The Raven complaining to a Fox that was one of her friends, said to

him, “Pray tell me, what would you advise me to do to be rid of this

Serpent?” “What do you think to do?” answered the Fox. “Why, my present

intent is,” replied the Raven, “to go and peck out his eyes when he

is asleep, that so he may no longer find the way to my nest.” The Fox

disapproved this design, and told the Raven, that it became a prudent

person to manage his revenge in such a manner, that no mischief might

befall himself in taking it: “Never run yourself,” says he, “into the

misfortune that once befell the Crane, of which I will tell you the

Fable.”

_THE CRANE AND THE CRAY-FISH_

A Crane had once settled her habitation by the side of a broad and deep

lake, and lived upon such fish as she could catch in it; these she got

in plenty enough for many years; but at length being become old and

feeble, she could fish no longer. In this afflicting circumstance she

began to reflect, with sorrow, on the carelessness of her past years;

“I did ill,” said she to herself, “in not making in my youth necessary

provision to support me in my old age; but, as it is, I must now make

the best of a bad market, and use cunning to get a livelihood as I

can”: with this resolution she placed herself by the waterside, and

began to sigh and look mighty melancholy. A Cray-fish, perceiving her

at a distance, accosted her, and asked her why she appeared so sad?

“Alas,” said she, “how can I otherwise choose but grieve, seeing my

daily nourishment is like to be taken from me? for I just now heard

this talk between two fishermen passing this way: said the one to the

other, Here is great store of fish, what think you of clearing this

pond? to whom his companion answered, no; there is more in such a lake:

let us go thither first, and then come hither the day afterwards. This

they will certainly perform; and then,” added the Crane, “I must soon

prepare for death.”

The Cray-fish, on this, went to the fish, and told them what she had

heard: upon which the poor fish, in great perplexity, swam immediately

to the Crane, and addressing themselves to her, told her what they had

heard, and added, “We are now in so great a consternation, that we are

come to desire your protection. Though you are our enemy, yet the wise

tell us, that they who make their enemy their sanctuary, may be assured

of being well received: you know full well that we are your daily food;

and if we are destroyed, you, who are now too old to travel in search

of food, must also perish; we pray you, therefore, for your own sake,

as well as ours, to consider, and tell us what you think is the best

course for us to take.” To which the Crane replied, “That which you

acquaint me with, I heard myself from the mouths of the fishermen; we

have no power sufficient to withstand them; nor do I know any other way

to secure you, but this: it will be many months before they can clear

the other pond they are to go about first: and, in the mean time, I

can at times, and as my strength will permit me, remove you one after

another into a little pond here hard by, where there is very good

water, and where the fishermen can never catch you, by reason of the

extraordinary depth.” The fish approved this counsel, and desired the

Crane to carry them one by one into this pond. Nor did she fail to fish

up three or four every morning, but she carried them no farther than

to the top of a small hill, where she eat them: and thus she feasted

herself for a while.

But one day, the Cray-fish, having a desire to see this delicate pond,

made known her curiosity to the Crane, who, bethinking herself that

the Cray-fish was her most mortal enemy, resolved to get rid of her at

once, and murder her as she had done the rest; with this design she

flung the Cray-fish upon her neck, and flew towards the hill. But when

they came near the place, the Cray-fish, spying at a distance the small

bones of her slaughtered companions, mistrusted the Crane’s intention,

and laying hold of a fair opportunity, got her neck in her claw, and

grasped it so hard, that she fairly saved herself, and strangled the

Crane.

* * * * *

“This example,” says the Fox, “shows you, that crafty tricking people

often become victims to their own cunning.” The Raven, returning

thanks to the Fox for his good advice, said, “I shall not by any means

neglect your wholesome instructions; but what shall I do?” “Why,”

replied the Fox, “you must snatch up something that belongs to some

stout man or other, and let him see what you do, to the end he may

follow you. Which that he may easily do, do you fly slowly; and when

you are just over the Serpent’s hole, let fall the thing that you hold

in your beak or talons whatever it be, for then the person that follows

you, seeing the Serpent come forth, will not fail to knock him on the

head.” The Raven did as the Fox advised him, and by that means was

delivered from the Serpent.

_THE MERCHANT AND HIS FRIEND_

A Certain Merchant, said Kalila, pursuing her discourse, had once a

great desire to make a long journey. Now in regard that he was not

very wealthy, it is requisite, said he to himself, that before my

departure I should leave some part of my estate in the city, to the

end that if I meet with ill luck in my travels, I may have wherewithal

to keep me at my return. To this purpose he delivered a great number

of bars of iron, which were a principal part of his wealth, in trust

to one of his friends, desiring him to keep them during his absence;

and then taking his leave, away he went. Some time after, having had

but ill luck in his travels, he returned home; and the first thing he

did was to go to his Friend, and demand his iron: but his Friend, who

owed several sums of money, having sold the iron to pay his own debts,

made him this answer: “Truly friend,” said he, “I put your iron into

a room that was close locked, imagining it would have been there as

secure as my own gold; but an accident has happened which nobody could

have suspected, for there was a rat in the room eat it all up.” The

Merchant, pretending ignorance, replied, “It is a terrible misfortune

to me indeed; but I know of old that rats love iron extremely; I have

suffered by them many times before in the same manner, and therefore

can the better bear my present affliction.” This answer extremely

pleased the Friend, who was glad to hear the Merchant so well inclined

to believe that the rats had eaten his iron; and to remove all

suspicions, desired him to dine with him the next day. The Merchant

promised he would, but in the mean time he met in the middle of the

city one of his Friend’s children; the child he carried home, and

locked up in a room. The next day he went to his Friend, who seemed to

be in great affliction, which he asked him the cause of, as if he had

been perfectly ignorant of what had happened. “Oh, my dear friend,”

answered the other, “I beg you to excuse me, if you do not see me so

cheerful as otherwise I would be; I have lost one of my children; I

have had him cried by sound of trumpet, but I know not what is become

of him.” “Oh!” replied the Merchant, “I am grieved to hear this; for

yesterday in the evening, as I parted from hence, I saw an owl in the

air with a child in his claws; but whether it were yours I cannot

tell.” “Why, you most foolish and absurd creature!” replied the Friend,

“are you not ashamed to tell such an egregious lie? An owl, that weighs

at most not above two or three pounds, can he carry a boy that weighs

above fifty?” “Why,” replied the merchant, “do you make such a wonder

at that? as if in a country where one rat can eat an hundred ton weight

of iron, it were such a wonder for an owl to carry a child that weighs

not above fifty pounds in all.” The Friend, upon this, found that the

Merchant was no such fool as he took him to be, begged his pardon for

the cheat which he designed to have put upon him, restored him the

value of his iron, and so had his son again.

* * * * *

Other and very ancient Hindoo stories follow.

_THE MAID, THE MONKEY, AND THE MENDICANT_

On the banks of the Ganges there was once a city named Makandi. And in

a temple, not far from the river, there lived a religious mendicant

with a large number of disciples. He was a great rogue, but to impress

the minds of the credulous people of the neighbourhood, he affected

to be perfectly indifferent to all worldly affairs, and even went so

far as to have taken a vow of perpetual silence. Now, in this city

there resided a wealthy merchant, who believed in the mendicant,

and was one of his devoted followers. The merchant had a beautiful

daughter, who had just come of age, and who, entertaining a tender

feeling for a handsome prince who lived in the neighbourhood, had

begun to communicate with him by means of a confidential servant.

One day the mendicant came on a begging excursion to the house of

the merchant, and his daughter, beautifully dressed, came out with a

silver cup in her hand to give him alms. The beggar as soon as he saw

her forgot his vow of perpetual silence, and exclaimed, “Oh! what a

sight!” but immediately afterwards he was ashamed of the words which

he had uttered, and hastened home to the temple. The merchant, who

had heard these words, thought that there was something unusual in

them, and followed the mendicant to his abode. The latter, on seeing

him, said with tears in his eyes, “Friend, I know that you are greatly

devoted to me, and I grieve to say that a great misfortune will come

upon you. The marks upon the body of your beautiful daughter foretell

the ruin of your family, and the loss of your wealth as soon as she

is married.” These words frightened the merchant almost out of his

wits, and he implored the hypocritical mendicant to tell him if there

were any means of averting the catastrophe. “There is one remedy,” he

replied, “but you will find it hard to practise. You must make a box

with holes in the lid, in the form of a boat, and having administered

a narcotic to your daughter, place her in it, and closing the box, put

it into the Ganges with a lamp burning on it. The waters of the river

will carry her to some distant country, where doubtless she will be

married, but her marriage there will not affect your fortune here.”

Pleased with this apparently disinterested advice, the silly merchant

returned home, and did as he was told. Fortunately, however, for

the girl, her confidential servant heard what was going to be done,

and immediately informed the young prince, the girl’s lover, of the

intentions of her father. At night he accordingly watched by the river,

and as soon as the box was left there he got hold of it, and brought

it home, and taking the sleeping girl out, put into her place a large

and ferocious monkey, and, having closed the lid, sent it back to the

river upon whose broad stream it was floated once more. In the meantime

the mendicant was enjoying golden dreams about the future. Thinking to

secure the girl for himself, he sent some of his disciples to the river

side, and told them to get hold of the box as it came floating down the

stream. He further enjoined them not to pay any attention to anything

they might hear inside the box, but to bring it directly to him as

soon as they found it. On the box being brought, he had it carried to

his cell, and then told his disciples to remain at a distance, and

not to disturb him, as he had to perform some religious ceremonies in

connection with it. The disciples then retired, and the mendicant began

to open the box with the most pleasing anticipations. But alas, the

retribution of sin is often too near. The ferocious monkey, exasperated

by his confinement, jumped out at once, and began to bite, scratch, and

tear the poor mendicant in every way. The latter bawled out as loud as

he could, but his disciples thinking that he was performing religious

ceremonies, or fighting with the devil, did not come to his assistance.

At last he succeeded in opening the door of his room, and got away with

the loss of his nose and an ear. The monkey also bolted through the

door, and disappeared into the jungle. The good people of Nakandi were

much amused with the incident, and drove the mendicant out of the town.

The merchant’s daughter was delighted to find herself with her lover,

while her father, covered with shame, consoled himself with the idea

that she had got a good husband.

_ABOUT A WOMAN’S PROMISE_

In the city of Madanpur there reigned a king, named Birbar. In the

same city there lived a trader, called Hermyadutt, who had a daughter,

by name Madansena. One day, in the season of spring, she went with

her female friends to a garden, and when there met a young man, named

Somdatt, the son of the merchant Dharmdatt. This young man fell

violently in love with her at first sight, and involuntarily went up

to her, and, taking hold of her hand, began to say, “If thou wilt not

love me, I shall abandon my life on thy account.” The girl said, “You

must not do so, for in doing this you will commit a great sin.” Somdatt

replied, “Excessive love has pierced my heart. The fear of separation

has burnt up my body. From the pain all my memory and intellect are

lost, and at present, through my excess of love, I have no regard

for virtue or sin. If you will give me a promise, I shall hope to

live.” Madansena said, “On the fifth day from this I am going to be

married, then I shall first meet you, and after that I shall go with my

husband.” Having given this promise, and affirming it by oath, she went

home.

On the fifth day after this she was married, and her husband took her

to his house. After several days her sisters-in-law forcibly took her

to her husband at night, but she would have nothing to do with him;

and, when he wished to embrace her, she jerked him with her hand, and

told the story of her promise to the merchant’s son. Hearing this, her

husband said, “If thou truly wishest to go with him, then go.”

Having thus obtained her husband’s consent, she put on her best clothes

and jewels, and started for the merchant’s house. On her way she met

a thief, who asked her where she was going alone at that midnight

hour so adorned. She replied, “That she was going to meet her lover.”

On hearing this, the thief said, “Who is your protector here?” She

replied, “Kama, the god of love, with his weapons is my protector.”

She then told the whole story to the thief, and said, “Do not spoil my

attire. I promise you that, on my return, I will give you up all my

jewels.”

The thief let her go, and she proceeded to the place where Somdatt was

lying asleep. Awaking him suddenly, he arose bewildered, and asked her

who she was, and why she had come. She replied, “I am the daughter of

the merchant Hermyadutt. Do you not remember that you forcibly took my

hand in the garden, and insisted on my giving you my oath, and I swore,

at your bidding, that I would leave the man I was married to, and come

to you. I have come accordingly; do to me whatever thou pleasest.”

Somdatt asked her if she had told the story to her husband, and she

said that she had told him all, and that he had allowed her to come.

The youth said: “This affair is like jewels without apparel; or food

without clarified butter; or singing out of tune; all these things

are alike. In the same way, dirty garments take away beauty, bad food

saps the strength, a wicked wife takes away life, a bad son ruins the

family. What a woman does not do is of little moment, for she does not

give utterance to the thoughts of her mind; and what is at the tip of

her tongue she does not reveal, and what she does, she does not tell

of. God has created a woman in the world as a wonder.”

After uttering these words, the merchant’s son said: “I will have

nothing to do with the wife of a stranger.” Hearing this, she returned

homeward. On her way she met the thief, and told him the whole story.

He applauded her highly, and let her go, and she went to her husband

and related to him the whole circumstance. Her husband, however,

evinced no affection for her, but said, “The beauty of the cuckoo

consists in its note alone; the beauty of a woman consists in her

fidelity to her husband; the beauty of an ugly man is his knowledge;

the beauty of a devotee is his patient suffering.”

* * * * *

Having related so much, the sprite said, “O king! whose is the highest

merit of these three?” Vickram replied: “The thief’s merit is the

greatest.” “How,” asked the sprite? The king answered: “Seeing that her

heart was set on another man, the husband let her go; through fear of

the king, Somdatt let her alone; whereas there was no reason for the

thief leaving her unmolested; therefore the thief is superior.”

_OF A QUEER RELATIONSHIP_

There is a city in the south named Dhurumpoor, the king of which was

named Mahabal. Once upon a time another king of the same region led

an army against him, and invested his capital. After much fighting

Mahabal was defeated, and, taking his wife and daughter with him, he

fled by night into the jungle. After travelling several miles the day

broke, and a village came in view. Leaving the queen and princess

seated beneath a tree, he himself went to the village to get something

to eat, and in the meantime a band of Bhils, or hill robbers, came and

surrounded him, and told him to throw down his arms.

The king, on hearing this, commenced discharging arrows at them, and

the Bhils did the same from their side. After fighting for some time,

an arrow struck the king’s forehead with such force that he reeled and

fell, and one of the Bhils came up and cut off his head. When the queen

and the princess saw that the king was dead, they went back into the

jungle weeping and beating their breasts. After going some distance

they became tired and sat down, and began to be troubled with anxiety.

Now, it happened that a king named Chandrasen, together with his

son, while pursuing game, came into that very jungle, and the king,

noticing the footprints of the two women, said to his son, “How have

the footprints of human feet come into this vast forest?” The prince

replied, “These are women’s footprints, a man’s foot is not so small.”

The king said, “Come let us look for them, and if we find them I

will give her whose foot is the largest to thee, and I will take the

other for myself.” Having entered into this mutual compact, they went

forward, and soon perceived the two women seated on the ground. They

were delighted at finding them, and seating them on their horses in the

manner agreed upon, they brought them home. The prince took possession

of the queen, as her feet were the largest, and the king took the

princess, and they were married accordingly.

* * * * *

Having related so much the sprite said, “Your majesty, what

relationship will there be between the children of these two?” On

hearing this, the king held his tongue through ignorance, being unable

to describe the relationship.

* * * * *

Hierocles’ collection of jests is mostly short anecdotes of pedants who

are shown up as simpletons or noodles.

This principle of humor which is, of course, the rock bottom theory

of the feeling of superiority induced by the discomfiture of the other

man, often pins the jest on the pedant or scholar by way of emphasizing

the point.

Hierocles was an Alexandrian Neoplatonic philosopher who lived in the

Fifth Century A.D.

With authorship of the usual legendary haziness the collection may not

have been made by him at all, but it passes for his work.

The stories themselves came into popular knowledge among the churchmen

of the Middle Ages, and in their existing form probably date about the

ninth century.

As will be seen from the following examples, many of the jests are

still being used as the basis of Twentieth century after dinner stories

and Comic Weekly jokes.

JESTS OF HIEROCLES

A scholar meeting a physician, said, _I beg your pardon for never

being sick, though you are one of my best friends_.

* * * * *

A scholar wishing to catch a mouse that eats his books, baited and set

a trap, and sat by it to watch.

* * * * *

A scholar wishing to teach his horse to eat little, gave him no food at

all; and the horse dying, _How unlucky_, said he; _as soon as I

had taught him to live without food he died_!

* * * * *

A scholar meaning to sell a house, carried about a stone of it as a

specimen.

* * * * *

A scholar desiring to see if sleep became him, shut both his eyes, and

went to the mirror.

* * * * *

A scholar having bought a house, looked out of the window, and asked

the passengers, _If the house became him_?

* * * * *

A scholar dreaming he hit his foot on a nail, felt it pain him when he

waked, and bound it up. Another scholar coming to see him, asked him,

_Why he went to bed without shoes_.

A scholar being told the river had carried off a great part of his

ground, answered, _What shall I say?_

* * * * *

A scholar sealed a wine vessel he had, but his man bored the bottom and

stole the liquor. He was astonished at the liquor’s diminishing, though

the seal was entire; and another saying, “Perhaps it is taken out at

the bottom.” The scholar answered, _Most foolish of men, it is not

the under part, but the upper that is deficient_.

* * * * *

A scholar meeting a person, said to him, “I heard you were dead.” To

which the other answered, “You see I am alive.” The scholar replied,

_Perhaps so, but he who told me the contrary was a man of much more

credit than you_.

* * * * *

A scholar hearing that crows lived two hundred years, bought one,

saying, _I wish to make the experiment_.

* * * * *

A scholar being on board a ship in a tempest, when the rest seized upon

different articles to swim ashore on, he laid hold of the anchor.

* * * * *

A scholar hearing one of two twins was dead, when he met the other,

asked, _Which of you was it that died? You or your brother?_

* * * * *

A scholar coming to a ferry, went into the boat on horseback. Being

asked the reason, he said, _I am in great haste_.

* * * * *

A scholar wanting money sold his books, and wrote to his father,

_Rejoice with me, for now my books maintain me_.

* * * * *

A scholar sending his son to war, the youth said, “I shall bring

you back an enemy’s head.” To which the scholar replied, _If you

even lose your own head, I shall be happy to see you return in good

health_.

* * * * *

A scholar in Greece receiving a letter from a friend, desiring him to

buy some books there, neglected the business. But the friend arriving

some time after, the scholar said, _I am sorry I did not receive your

letter about the books_.

* * * * *

A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed each

to watch four hours at night, in turn, for the sake of security. The

barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head when asleep,

then waked him when his turn came. The scholar scratching his head, and

feeling it bald, exclaimed, _You wretch of a barber, you have waked

the bald man instead of me_.

* * * * *

Pope Alexander VII. asking the celebrated Greek, Leo Allatius, why he

did not enter into orders? he answered, _Because I desire to have it

in my power to marry if I chuse_. The pope adding, And why do you

not marry? Leo replied, _Because I desire to have it in my power to

enter into orders if I chuse_.

* * * * *

Erasmus, himself a Satirist, collected thousands of the jests of the

Greeks and Romans. These more often noted the wit than the witlessness

of the speakers and include all degrees of wit from mere whimsicality

to sharpest satire.

Some of the best ones follow.

GREEK

A friend asking him how great glory was procured, Agesilaus answered,

_By contempt of death_.

* * * * *

Being asked the boundaries of the Spartan state, he answered, _The

points of our spears_.

* * * * *

One asking him why Sparta had no walls, he shewed him armed citizens,

saying, _These are the walls of Sparta_.

* * * * *

Being very fond of his children, he would sometimes ride about on a

cane among them. A friend catching him at this sport, Agesilaus said,

_Tell nobody till you are yourself a father_.

King Demaratus being asked in company whether he was silent through

folly, or wisdom, answered, _A fool cannot be silent_.

* * * * *

Cleomenes the son of Cleombrotus, when presented with some game-cocks,

by a person who, enhancing the gift, said they were of a breed who

would die before they yielded; answered, _Give me rather some of the

breed that kill them_.

* * * * *

Pausanias, when a physician told him “You look well,” answered, _Yes,

you are not my physician_.

* * * * *

When the same was blamed by a friend, for speaking ill of a physician,

whom he had never tried, he replied, _If I had tried him, I should

not have lived to speak ill of him_.

* * * * *

Charillus, being angry with his slave, said to him, _Were I not in a

passion, I would kill thee_.

* * * * *

A dancer saying to a Spartan, “You cannot stand so long on one leg as I

can.” _True_, answered the Spartan, _but any goose can_.

* * * * *

Another Spartan mother giving her son his shield, when going to battle,

said _Son, either this, or upon this_.

* * * * *

Another to her son who complained that his sword was short, said _Do

you add a step to it_.

* * * * *

One objecting to him his luxurious feeding, he showed him some

dear-bought dish, and said, “Would not you buy this, if it were sold

for a penny?” “Surely,” said the other. _Then_, said Aristippus,

_I only give to luxury what you give to avarice_.

* * * * *

Diogenes the Cynic, being in the house of Plato, strode over the

carpets with his dirty feet, saying _I trample the pride of

Plato_. _True_, said Plato, _but with a greater pride_.

Seeing a very unskilful archer shoot, he seated himself by the mark.

The reason was _That he may not hit me_.

Going to the town of Myndus, and seeing the gates very large, and the

town small, he called out _Men of Myndus! shut your gates least the

town should escape_.

Being asked of what beast the bite is most dangerous, he answered _Of

wild beasts, that of a slanderer: of tame, that of a flatterer_.

Entering a dirty bath he said _Where are those washed who wash

here?_

Being asked what wine he liked best, he said _Another’s_.

Crates the Cynic of Thebes, being asked a remedy for love, said

_Hunger is one remedy. Time is a better. The best is a rope_.

Theophrastus to one who was silent in company said _If you are a fool

you do wisely! if you are wise you do foolishly_.

Empedocles saying to Xenophanes the philosopher “That a wise man could

not be found.” _True_, answered Xenophanes, _for it must be a

wise man who knows him_.

Archelaus, to a prating barber, who asked how he would please to be

shaved? answered, _In silence_.

One asking Demosthenes what is the first point in eloquence, he

answered, _Acting_. And the second? _Acting._ And the third?

_Acting still._

An Athenian who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had,

in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up and

said, _Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do_.

Zeuxis entered into a contest of art with Parrhasius. The former

painted grapes so truly that birds came and pecked at them. The latter

delineated a cloth so exactly, that Zeuxis coming in, said, “Take away

the cloth that we may see this piece.” And finding his error, said,

_Parrhasius, thou hast conquered. I deceived but birds, thou an

artist_.

Zeuxis painted a boy carrying grapes: the birds came again and pecked.

Some applauding, Zeuxis flew to the picture in a passion, saying, _My

boy must be very ill painted_.

Gnathena the courtesan, when a very small bottle of wine was brought

in, with the praise that it was very old, answered, _It is very

little for its age_.

Philip of Macedon, sitting in judgment after dinner, an old woman

receiving an unjust sentence, exclaimed, “I appeal.” “To whom!” said

Philip. _To Philip, when sober_, answered the matron. The king

took the lesson.

ROMAN

A soldier boasting of a scar in his face, from a wound in battle,

Augustus said, _Yes, you will look back when you run away_.

Fabia Dollabella saying, she was thirty years of age; Cicero answered,

_It must be true, for I have heard it these twenty years_.

Seeing Lentulus, his son-in-law, a man of very small stature, walking

up, with a long sword at his side, he called out, _Who has tied my

son-in-law to that sword?_

One finding his shoes eaten with mice, in the morning when he rose,

asked Cato, in great agitation, the meaning of the portent; who

answered, _It is no prodigy that mice should eat shoes! had the shoes

eaten the mice, it would have been indeed a prodigy_.

When Brutus was dissuaded from his last battle, as the jeopardy was

great, he only said, _To-day all will be well, or I shall not

care_.

* * * * *

A large bull being produced in the amphitheatre, the hunter struck

ten times, and missed. Gallienus, the emperor, who was present, sent

the hunter a wreath: and all wondering, he said, _It is extremely

difficult to miss such a mark so often_.

* * * * *

One saying, that in Sicily he had bought a lamprey five feet long, for

a trifle; Galba, the orator, to reprove the lye, said, _No wonder.

They are found there so long, that the fishers constantly use them for

cables._

* * * * *

Scipio Nasica going to visit Ennius the poet, was told by his

maid-servant, that he was not at home, though he knew he was. A few

days after Ennius came to see Nasica, who hearing his voice, called

out, that he was not within. Then said Ennius, “What! Do not I hear

your voice?” To which Nasica replied, _You are an impudent fellow. I

believed your maid! and you will not believe myself_.

* * * * *

Sulpitius Galba the orator, pretended to sleep once, while Mecenas made

love to his wife, but seeing, at the same time, a slave stealing wine

from the side-board, he cried, _Friend, I do not sleep for all_.

* * * * *

From the collection of Poggio we get other Italian stories.

* * * * *

Some clowns going to Arezzo, to buy a crucifix for their church, the

carver seeing them very stupid, said, Do you want a living or a dead

crucifix? They requiring time to consider: after much deliberation,

returned, saying, _Make us a living one! for if our neighbours be not

pleased with that, we can easily kill it_.

* * * * *

An inhabitant of a maritime town, looking out at a window, and seeing

the ocean in a violent storm, and many vessels tossing about, said to

a friend who was with him, “I wonder so many people go to sea, when so

many die there.” _Do not you wonder_, answered the friend, _why

so many people go to bed, when so many die there?_

* * * * *

Bardella da Mantoua, being led to execution, a priest, who was with

him, said, “Be of good cheer, for to-night you will sup with the Virgin

Mary, and with the apostles.” Bardella answered, _It will be a favour

if you will go for me, for this is a fast-day with me_.

* * * * *

Marcello da Scopeto, consulting Coccheto da Trievi, the physician, he

wrote a receipt, and said, “Here, take this at three times; one every

morning.” Marcello cut the paper in three; and made a shift to swallow

it in three mornings.

* * * * *

Tosetto one day putting the physician Zerboico in a violent passion; he

said, “Peace, rogue. Do not I know that your father was a bricklayer?”

Tosetto answered, _Nobody knew this, save your father, who used to

carry him lime_.

* * * * *

The following are from _Il Cortegiano_, by Castiglione.

* * * * *

An Italian Doctor of Law, seeing a criminal, who was whipped, walking

very slowly during the operation, asked him why he did not hasten,

that he might have fewer stripes; adding many arguments to shew that

the slower he went, the more he must suffer. To which, the criminal,

standing still, and looking him full in the face, replied with great

gravity, _When you are whipped through the streets, walk as you

please, and pray allow me to enjoy the same liberty_.

* * * * *

Duke Frederic of Modena, having built a palace, was at a loss what to

do with the rubbish. An abbot, standing by, told him to cause a pit

to be digged large enough to contain it. “And what,” said Frederic,

laughing, “shall I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?” To

which the abbot, with great wisdom, replied, _Make the pit so large

as to hold all_.

Ponzio of Sila seeing a rustic who had two capons to sell, and agreeing

on the price, begged him also to carry them to his lodging, where he

was going, and he would pay him for his pains. Ponzio led him to a

round bell-tower, separate from the church, near which was an alley:

when standing still, Ponzio said, “I have wagered a couple of capons

with a friend, that this bell-tower is not forty feet round, and have

got a packthread here that we may try it.” So drawing the thread

from his pocket, he gave one end to the rustic; bidding him hold it,

while he went round. But when Ponzio came to the other side of the

bell-tower, where the alley was, he fixed the thread with a nail, and

ran down the alley with the capons. The peasant after long standing and

bawling, went round, and had the nail and packthread for his capons and

labour.

* * * * *

Not every tongue offers us collections to be translated, nor are all

those that are available yet translated, but we may give a few of

Spanish origin, taken from the collection of Melchior de Santa Cruz

which are the flowers of Spanish Apothegms and wise or witty sayings.

Like jesters of all other nations the Spaniards saw fit to heap

sarcasms on the medical profession.

We can only assume that in those days doctors had not reached the

heights of sapience they have since attained.

And also, we must remember that it was the custom for the unlearned to

poke fun at the scholars, hence all professions felt the satiric lash.

* * * * *

At the table of Pope Alexander the sixth, the company debated one

day, if it were advantageous to a state to have physicians in it? The

greater part held not; and alleged, as a reason, that Rome had passed

her first, and best, six hundred years without them. But the pope

said, he was not of that opinion, _for were there no physicians,

the multitude of mankind would be so great, that the world could not

contain them_.

* * * * *

A Biscayan clergyman, a follower of the cardinal Don Pedro Gonzales de

Mendoza, pulled one day a pistol out of his pocket. The cardinal saw

him, and reproved him, saying, “That it was indecent for a clergyman

to carry arms.” The Biscayan answered, “Most reverend lord, I do not

carry arms to hurt any man, but to defend myself against the dogs of

this country, which are remarkable for fierceness.” The cardinal said,

“I can tell you a charm against dogs. You need only repeat any verse

of the gospel of St. John.” The Biscayan replied, _Yes, my lord,

but that does not apply in every case, for many of our dogs do not

understand Latin_.

* * * * *

The same cardinal said of the monks, who, by shaving the top and under

part of the head, form a crown of hair around, that they had crowns

which the most ambitious would not envy.

* * * * *

A bishop sent a present of six capons to brother Bernaldino Palomo, but

the servant who carried them stole one. _Tell his lordship_, said

Palomo, _that I kiss his hands for the five capons.--Do you kiss his

hands for the other_.

* * * * *

Juan de Ayala, lord of the town of Cabolla, slew a crane. His cook,

when he dressed it, gave a leg to his mistress. When it was served up,

Juan said, Where is the other leg? The cook answered, Cranes have but

one leg. The day following, Juan took his cook to the chace with him,

and perceiving a flock of cranes, which, as usual with that bird, all

stood upon one leg, the cook said, Your worship sees the truth of what

I said. Juan riding up to the birds called, _Ox, Ox, Ox_. The

cranes being startled, put down the other leg: and Juan said, See, you

knave, have they two legs or one? The cook answered, _Body of me,

sir, had you called Ox, Ox, to the one you dined on yesterday it would

have produced its other leg too_.

* * * * *

Perico de Ayala, the buffoon of the Marquis de Villena, came to see

Don Frances, the buffoon of Charles V. when he lay on his death bed.

Perico seeing him in so bad a way, said, Brother Don Frances, I request

you, by the great friendship which always was between us, that when you

go to heaven (which I believe must be very soon, since you lived so

pious a life), you will beseech God to have mercy on my soul. Frances

answered, _Tie a thread on this finger, that I may not forget it_.

These were his last words; and he instantly expired.

* * * * *

The servants of a Spanish lord said, in his presence, that Don Diego

Deza, archbishop of Seville, was very liberal to his domestics. The

lord answered, So he may, for he has his wealth but for his life. A

page replied, _And for how many lives has your lordship yours?_

* * * * *

Some thieves trying one night to break into a shop, in which two

servant men lay; one of them called to the robbers. _Come back when

we are asleep._

* * * * *

A rich man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder he had

suffered the preceding night. The physician felt his pulse, and said,

Sir, do you eat well? Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well? I do.

_Then_, said the physician, _I shall give you something to take

away all that_.

* * * * *

A labourer intending to bind his son apprentice to a butcher, asked a

gentleman of the village, his friend, to whom he should put him. The

answer was, _You had best bind him to the physician, for he is the

best butcher I know_.

* * * * *

A physician went to visit a young lady, daughter of a nobleman.

Desiring her arm, to feel her pulse, the damsel, from pride, covered

the place with the sleeve of her shift. The physician also drew down

his coat sleeve, and applying it, said, _A linen pulse must have a

woollen physician_.

* * * * *

A bad painter, who had never produced any thing worth, went to another

place, and commenced physician. A person who knew him, meeting him

there, asked the reason of this change. _Because_ said he, _if I

now commit faults, the earth covers them_.

To a student of a college was brought a large dish of soup, and only

one pea in it. He rose, and began to strip. His companion asking what

was the matter, he answered, _I am going to swim after that pea_.

* * * * *

The effects of a merchant, who was greatly in debt, being on sale, one

bought a pillow, saying, _That it must be good to sleep on, since he

could sleep on it, who owed so much_.

* * * * *

The same merchant being asked, how he could sleep with such debts upon

him? said, _The wonder is, how my creditors could sleep_.

* * * * *

A Gallician, being at the war of Granada, received a wound in the head

with an arrow. The surgeon arriving, said, upon examination, You are a

dead man, the arrow has pierced your brain. The Gallician said, Look

again, for that is impossible. The surgeon replied, It is so; I see it

plain. _It cannot be_, said the Gallician: _for if I had any

brain, I should not have been here_.

* * * * *

A man went to borrow an ass of a neighbour, who said the ass was from

home. Meanwhile the animal chanced to bray: upon which the borrower

exclaimed, How! did you not tell me the ass was abroad? The other

replied, in a passion, _Will you prefer the ass’s word to mine?_

* * * * *

A passenger going to Peru, a great storm arose; and the master of the

vessel ordered, that the most burdensome articles that every one had

should be thrown into the sea, to lighten the vessel. Upon which this

passenger ran and brought up his wife, saying, _That she was the most

burdensome article he had_.

* * * * *

A squire being asked, why he had married a deaf wife? said, _In hopes

she was also dumb_.

* * * * *

The German nation made small pretence to wit or humor. What we have of

their early efforts is either gross or stupid.

A few specimens taken from their mediæval Jest collections will quickly

prove this.

* * * * *

A malicious woman often beat her husband; being reproved for it, and

told that her husband was her head, she answered, _May not I beat my

own head as I please?_

* * * * *

Some Dutchmen conversing in a bookseller’s shop at Leyden, an unknown

German came in, upon which one of them exclaimed, “Why is Saul among

the prophets?” The German retorted: _He is seeking his father’s

asses_.

* * * * *

A very ignorant priest saying mass, saw on the margin of his book,

_Salta per tria_ (skip three); meaning that he should find the

rest of the office three leaves further on; upon which he leaped three

steps forwards from the altar. The clowns about him, thinking he had

suddenly gone mad, took and bound him, and carried him home.

* * * * *

One being asked, what made him bald? said, _My hair_.

* * * * *

A lady asking that celebrated general, prince Maurice, who was the

first captain of the age? he answered, _The marquis of Spinola is the

second_. He thereby gave to understand, that he knew himself to be

the first; but did not chuse either to say so, or tell a falsehood.

* * * * *

Two ladies of high rank, disputing the precedence in a procession, the

Emperor, Charles V. desired they would make him their arbiter. Having

heard the reasons on both sides, he found no other way to end the

difference, than by ordering that the most foolish should go first.

After which there were as many disputes who should go last; till they

agreed, that each should be foolish in her turn.

* * * * *

Charles V. going to see the new cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna,

overtook a peasant, who was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries

were so disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expressions of

impatience, he said to the peasant, “My friend, do not you know how

to silence a sucking pig?” The poor man said modestly, that he really

did not, and should be happy to learn. “Take it by the tail,” said

the Emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon trial, turned to

the Emperor, and said, _Faith, friend, you must have been longer at

the trade than me, for you understand it better_. An answer which

furnished repeated laughter to Charles and his court.

EPIGRAMS

Collections of Mediæval Epigrams are both numerous and lengthy and

not infrequently their comparative value depends largely on the

translator’s learning or talent.

For instance a distich of Plato’s is thus translated by Coleridge,

_THE THIEF AND THE SUICIDE_

Jack, finding gold, left a rope on the ground;

Bill, missing his gold, used the rope which he found.

and is thus rendered by Shelley,

A man was about to hang himself,

Finding a purse, then threw away his rope;

The owner, coming to reclaim his pelf,

The halter found and used it. So is Hope

Changed for Despair--one laid upon the shelf,

We take the other. Under heaven’s high cope

Fortune is God--all you endure and do

Depends on circumstance as much as you.

But the modernization is not just now our pursuit, so the epigrams

will be given in something approaching chronological order and the

translator’s name mentioned when known.

PLATO

_THE MISER AND THE MOUSE_

“Thou little rogue, what brings thee to my house?”

Said a starv’d miser to a straggling mouse.

“Friend,” quoth the mouse, “thou hast no cause to fear;

I only _lodge_ with thee, I _eat_ elsewhere.”

LUCILLIUS

_A MISER’S DREAM_

Flint dream’d he gave a feast, ’twas regal fare,

And hang’d himself in ’s sleep in sheer despair.

NICARCHUS

_THE GREAT CONTENTION_

Three dwarfs contended by a state decree,

Which was the least and lightest of the three.

First, Hermon came, and his vast skill to try,

With thread in hand leap’d through a needle’s eye.

Forth from a crevice Demas then advanc’d

And on a spider’s web securely danc’d.

What feat show’d Sospiter in this high quarrel?--

No eyes could see him, and he won the laurel.

UNKNOWN AUTHOR

_ON LATE-ACQUIRED WEALTH_

Poor in my youth, and in life’s later scenes

Rich to no end, I curse my natal hour,

Who nought enjoy’d while young, denied the means;

And nought when old enjoy’d, denied the power.

_A VOICE FROM THE GRAVE_

Phido nor hand nor touch to me applied;

Fever’d, I thought but of his name--and died.

_ON THE INCONSTANCY OF WOMAN’S LOVE_

My Fair says, she no spouse but me

Would wed, though Jove himself were he.

She says it: but I deem

That what the fair to lovers swear

Should be inscribed upon the air,

Or in the running stream.

CATULLUS

_ON HIS OWN LOVE_

That I love thee, and yet that I hate thee, I feel;

Impatient, thou bid’st me my reasons explain:

I tell thee, nor more for my life can reveal,

That I love thee, and hate thee--and tell it with pain.

ALY BEN AHMED BEN MANSOUR

_TO THE VIZIR CASSIM OBID ALLAH, ON THE DEATH OF ONE OF HIS SONS_

Poor Cassim! thou art doom’d to mourn

By destiny’s decree;

Whatever happen it must turn

To misery for thee.

Two sons hadst thou, the one thy pride,

The other was thy pest;

Ah, why did cruel death decide

To snatch away the best?

No wonder thou should’st droop with woe,

Of such a child bereft;

But now thy tears must doubly flow,

For ah!--the other’s left.

THE KHALIPH RADHI BILLAH

_TO A LADY UPON SEEING HER BLUSH_

Leila! whene’er I gaze on thee

My alter’d cheek turns pale,

While upon thine, sweet maid, I see

A deep’ning blush prevail.

Leila, shall I the cause impart

Why such a change takes place?

The crimson stream deserts my heart,

To mantle on thy face.

JANUS PANNONIUS

_ON AURISPA_

Aurispa nothing writes though learn’d, for he

By a wise silence seems more learn’d to be.

ACTIUS SANNAZARIUS

_ON AUFIDIUS_

A hum’rous fellow in a tavern late,

Being drunk and valiant, gets a broken pate;

The surgeon with his instruments and skill,

Searches his skull, deeper and deeper still,

To feel his brains, and try if they were sound;

And, as he keeps ado about the wound,

The fellow cries--Good surgeon, spare your pains,

When I began this brawl I had no brains.

EURICIUS CORDUS

_TO PHILOMUSUS_

If only when they’re dead, you poets praise,

I own I’d rather have your blame always.

_THE DOCTOR’S APPEARANCE_

Three faces wears the doctor; when first sought

An angel’s--and a god’s the cure half wrought:

But when, that cure complete, he seeks his fee,

The devil looks then less terrible than he.

GEORGIUS BUCHANANUS

_TO ZOILUS_

With industry I spread your praise,

With equal, you my censure blaze;

But, Zoilus, all in vain we do--

The world nor credits me nor you.

_ON LEONORA_

There’s a lie on thy cheek in its roses,

A lie echoed back by thy glass.

Thy necklace on greenhorns imposes,

And the ring on thy finger is brass.

Yet thy tongue, I affirm, without giving an inch back,

Outdoes the sham jewels, rouge, mirror, and pinchbeck.

JOHANNES SECUNDUS

_ON CHARINUS, THE HUSBAND OF AN UGLY WIFE_

Your wife’s possest of such a face and mind,

So charming that, and this so soft and kind,

So smooth her forehead, and her voice so sweet,

Her words so tender and her dress so neat;

That would kind Jove, whence man all good derives,

In wondrous bounty send me three such wives,

Dear happy husband, take it on my word,

To Pluto I’d give two, to take the third.

THEODORUS BEZA

In age, youth, and manhood, three wives have I tried,

Whose qualities rare all my wants have supplied.

The first, goaded on by the ardour of youth,

I woo’d for the sake of her person, forsooth:

The second I took for the sake of her purse;

And the third--for what reason? I wanted a nurse.

PAULUS THOMAS

_ON CELSUS_

With self love Celsus burns: is he not blest?

For thus without a rival he may rest.

STEPHANUS PASCHASIUS

_MARRIED LIFE_

No day, no hour, no moment, is my house

Free from the clamour of my scolding spouse!

My servants all are rogues; and so am I,

Unless, for quiet’s sake, I join the cry.

I aim, in all her freaks, my wife to please;

I wage domestic war, in hopes of ease.

I vain the hopes! and my fond bosom bleeds,

To feel how soon to peace mad strife succeeds:

To find, with servants jarring, or my wife,

The worst of lawsuits is a married life.

JOHANNES AUDŒMUS

_TO A FRIEND IN DISTRESS_

I wish thy lot, now bad, still worse, my friend;

For when at worst, they say, things always mend.

_ADVICE TO PONTICUS_

Thou nothing giv’st, but dying wilt: then die:

He giveth twice, who giveth speedily.

BALTHASAR BONIFACIUS

_DANGEROUS LOVE_

All whom I love die young; Zoilus, I’ll try,

Tho’ loath’d, to love thee--that thou too may’st die.

From Bhartrihari, an Indian philosopher who flourished about the ninth

century, we select the following cynical paragraphs.

* * * * *

I believed that one woman was devoted to me, but she is now attracted

by another man, and another man takes pleasure in her, while a second

woman interests herself in me. Curses on them both, and on the god of

love, and on the other woman, and on myself.

* * * * *

The fundamentally ignorant man is easily led, and the wise man still

more easily; but not even the Almighty Himself can exercise any

influence on the smatterer.

* * * * *