_Mer._ The Muses favour me as my intents are virtuous;
Sir, ye shall be my Tutor, 'tis never too late Sir, to love
Learning.
When I can once speak true Latine--
_Pand._ What do you intend Sir?
_Mer._ Marry I will then begger all your bawdy Writers, and
undertake, at the peril of my own invention, all Pageants, Poesies
for Chimneys, Speeches for the Dukes entertainment, whensoever and
whatsoever; nay I will build, at mine own charge, an Hospital, to
which shall retire all diseased opinions, all broken Poets, all
Prose-men that are fall'n from small sence, to meer Letters; and it
shall be lawful for a Lawyer, if he be a civil man, though he have
undone others and himself by the language, to retire to this poor
life, and learn to be honest.
_Pand._ Sir, ye are very good, and very charitable: ye are a true
pattern for the City Sir.
_Merc._ Sir, I doe know sufficiently, their Shop-books cannot save
them, there is a farther end--
_Pand._ Oh Sir, much may be done by manuscript.
_Mer._ I do confess it Sir, provided still they be Canonical, and
[have] some worthy hands set to 'um for probation: but we forget
our selves.
_Pand._ Sir, enter when you please, and all good language tip your
tongue.
_Merc._ All that love Learning pray for my good success.
[_Exit Mercer._
_Actus Quartus. Scæna Tertia._
_Enter_ Lazarello _and his Boy_.
_Laz._ [Boy, whereabouts] are we?
_Boy._ Sir, by all tokens this is the house, bawdy I am sure, [by]
the broken windows, the Fish head is within; if ye dare venture,
here you may surprize it.
_Laz._ The misery of man may fitly be compar'd to a Didapper, who
when she is under water, past our sight, and indeed can seem no
more to us, rises again; shakes but her self, and is the same she
was, so is it still with transitory man, this day: oh but an hour
since, and I was mighty, mighty in knowledge, mighty in my hopes,
mighty in blessed means, and was so truly happy, that I durst have
said, live _Lazarello_, and be satisfied: but now--
_Boy._ Sir, ye are yet afloat, and may recover, be not your own
wreck, here lies the harbor, goe in and ride at ease.
_Laz._ Boy, I am receiv'd to be a Gentleman, a Courtier, and a man
of action, modest, and wise, and be it spoken with thy reverence,
Child, abounding virtuous; and wouldst thou have a man of these
choise habits, covet the cover of a bawdy-house? yet if I goe not
in, I am but--
_Boy._ But what Sir?
_Laz._ Dust boy, but dust, and my soul unsatisfied shall haunt the
keepers of my blessed Saint, and I will appear.
_Boy._ An ass to all men; Sir, these are no means to stay your
appetite, you must resolve to enter.
_Laz._ Were not the house subject to Martial Law--
_Boy._ If that be all, Sir, ye may enter, for ye can know nothing
here that the Court is ignorant of, only the more eyes shall look
upon you, for there they wink one at anothers faults.
_Laz._ If I doe not.
_Boy._ Then ye must beat fairly back again, fall to your physical
mess of porridge, and the twice sack'd carkass of a Capon: Fortune
may favour you so much, to send the bread to it: but it's a mee[re]
venture, and money may be put out upon it.
_Laz._ I will go in and live; pretend some love to the Gentlewoman,
screw my self in affection, and so be satisfied.
_Pan._ This Fly is caught, is mash'd already, I will suck him, and
lay him by.
_Boy._ Muffle your self in your cloak by any means, 'tis a receiv'd
thing among gallants, to walk to their leachery, as though they had
the rheum, 'twas well you brought not your horse.
_Laz._ Why Boy?
_Boy._ Faith Sir, 'tis the fashion of our Gentry, to have their
horses wait at door like men, while the beasts their Masters, are
within at rack and manger, 'twould have discover'd much.
_Laz._ I will lay by these habits, forms, and grave respects of
what I am, and be my self; only my appetite, my fire, my soul, my
being, my dear appetite shall go along with me, arm'd with whose
strength, I fearless will attempt the greatest danger dare oppose
my fury: I am resolv'd where ever that thou art, most sacred dish,
hid from unhallow'd eyes, to find thee out.
Be'st thou in Hell, rap't by _Proserpina_,
To be a rival in black _Pluto's_ love;
Or mov'st thou in the heavens, a form Divine:
Lashing the lazie Sphear[s],
Or if thou be'st return'd to thy first Being,
Thy mother Sea, the[re] will I seek thee forth.
Earth, Air, nor Fire,
Nor the black shades below shall bar my sight
So daring is my powerful appetite.
_Boy._ Sir, you may save this long voyage, and take a shorter
cut: you have forgot your self, the fish head's here, your own
imaginations have made you mad.
_Laz._ Term it a jealous fury, good my boy.
_Boy._ Faith Sir term it what you will, you must use other terms
[ere] you can get it.
_Laz._ The looks of my sweet love are fair,
Fresh and feeding as the air.
_Boy._ Sir, you forget your self.
_Laz._ Was never seen so rare a head,
Of any Fish alive or dead.
_Boy._ Good Sir remember: this is the house, Sir.
_Laz._ Cursed be he that dare not venture.
_Boy._ Pity your self, Sir, and leave this fury.
_Laz._ For such a prize, and so I enter.
[_Exit_ Lazarello _and Boy_.
_Pan._ Dun's i'th' mire, get out again how he can:
My honest gallant, I'll shew you one trick more
Than e'er the fool your father dream'd of yet.
_Madona Julia_?
_Enter_ Madona Julia, _a Whore_.
_Julia._ What news my sweet rogue, my dear sins-broker, what? good
news?
_Pan._ There is a kind of ignorant thing,
Much like a Courtier, now gone in.
_Jul._ Is he gallant?
_Pan._ He shines not very gloriously, nor does he wear one skin
perfum'd to keep the other sweet; his coat is not in _Or_, nor
does the world run yet on wheels with him; he's rich enough, and
has a small thing follows him, like to a boat tyed to a tall ships
tail: give him entertainment, be light, and flashing like a Meteor,
hug him about the neck, give him a kiss, and lisping cry, good
Sir; and he's thine own, as fast as he were tied to thine arms by
Indenture[s].
_Jul._ I dare doe more than this, if he be o'th' true Court cut;
I'll take him out a lesson worth the Learning: but we are but their
Apes; what's he worth?
_Pan._ Be he rich, or poor; if he will take thee with him, thou
maist use thy trade [free] from Constables, and Marshals: who hath
been here since I went out?
_Jul._ There is a Gentlewoman sent hither by a Lord, she's a piece
of dainty stuff my rogue, smooth and soft, as new Sattin; she was
never gumm'd yet boy, nor fretted.
_Pan._ Where lies she?
_Jul._ She lies above, towards the street, not to be spoke with,
but by [the] Lord that sent her, or some from him, we have in
charge from his servants.
_Enter_ Lazarello.
_Pan._ Peace, he comes out again upon discovery; up with all your
Canvas, hale him in; and when thou hast done, clap him aboard
bravely, my valiant Pinnace.
_Jul._ Begone, I shall doe reason with him.
_Laz._ Are you the special beauty of this house?
_Jul._ Sir, you have given it a more special regard by your good
language, than these black brows can merit.
_Laz._ Lady, you are fair.
_Jul._ Fair Sir? I thank ye; all the poor means I have left to be
thought grateful, is but a kiss, and ye shall have it Sir.
_Laz._ Ye have a very moving lip.
_Jul._ Prove it again Sir, it may be your sense was set too high,
and so over-wrought it self.
_Laz._ 'Tis still the same: how far may ye hold the time to be
spent Lady?
_Jul._ Four a clock, Sir.
_Laz._ I have not eat to day.
_Jul._ You will have the better stomach to your supper; in the mean
time I'll feed you with delight.
_Laz._ 'Tis not so good upon an empty stomach: if it might be
without the trouble of your house, I would eat?
_Jul._ Sir, we can have a Capon ready.
_Laz._ The day?
_Jul._ 'Tis Friday, Sir.
_Laz._ I do eat little flesh upon these days.
_Jul._ Come sweet, ye shall not think on meat; I'll drown it with a
better appetite.
_Laz._ I feel it work more strangely, I must eat.
_Jul._ 'Tis now too late to send; I say ye shall not think on meat:
if ye do, by this kiss I'll be angry.
_Laz._ I could be far more sprightful, had I eaten, and more
lasting.
_Jul._ What will you have Sir? name but the Fish, my Maid shall
bring it, if it may be got.
_Laz._ Methinks your house should not be so unfurnish'd, as not to
have some pretty modicum.
_Jul._ It is [so] now: but you'd ye stay till supper?
_Laz._ Sure I have offended highly, and much, and my [infl]ictions
makes it manifest, I will retire henceforth, and keep my chamber,
live privately, and dye forgotten.
_Jul._ Sir, I must crave your pardon, I had forgot my self; I have
a dish of meat within, and it is fish; I think this Dukedom holds
not a daintier: 'tis an _Umbranoes_ head.
_Laz._ [Lady, this] kiss is yours, and this.
_Jul._ Hoe! within there! cover the board, and set the Fish head on
it.
_Laz._ Now am I so truly happy, so much above all fate and fortune,
that I should despise that man, durst say, remember _Lazarello_,
thou art mortal.
_Enter Intelligencers with a Guard._
_2 Int._ This is the villain, lay [hands] on him.
_Laz._ Gentlemen, why am I thus intreated? what is the nature of my
crime?
_2 Int._ Sir, though you have carried it a great while privately,
and (as you think) well; yet we have seen you Sir, and we do know
thee _Lazarello_, for a Traitor.
_Laz._ The gods defend our Duke.
_2 Int._ Amen, Sir, Sir, this cannot save that stiff neck from the
halter.
_Jul._ Gentlemen, I am glad you have discover'd him, he should not
have eaten under my roof for twenty pounds; and surely I did not
like him, when he call'd for Fish. _Laz._ My friends, will ye let
me have that little favour--
_1 Int._ Sir, ye shall have Law, and nothing else.
_Laz._ To let me stay the eating of a bit or two, for I protest I
am yet fasting.
_Jul._ I'll have no Traitor come within my house.
_Laz._ Now could I wish my self I had been a Traitor, I have
strength enough for to endure it, had I but patience: Man thou art
but grass, thou art a bubble, and thou must perish.
Then lead along, I am prepar'd for all:
Since I have lost my hopes, welcome my fall.
_2 Int._ Away Sir.
_Laz._ As thou hast hope of man, stay but this dish this two hours,
I doubt not but I shall be discharged: by this light I will marry
thee.
_Jul._ You shall marry me first then.
_Laz._ I do contract my self unto thee now, before these Gentlemen.
_Jul._ I'll preserve it till you be hang'd or quitted.
_Laz._ Thanks, thanks.
_2 Int._ Away, away, you shall thank her at the gallows.
_Laz._ Adieu, adieu. [_Exeunt_ Laz. _2 Int. and Guard._
_Jul._ If he live I'll have him, if he be hang'd, there's no loss
in it. [_Exit._
_Enter_ Oriana _and her waiting woman, looking out at a window_.
_Orian._ Hast thou provided one to bear my Letter to my brother?
_Wait._ I have enquir'd, but they of the house will suffer no
Letter nor message to be carried from you, but such as the Lord
_Gondarino_ shall be acquainted with: truly Madam I suspect the
house to be no better than it should be.
_Ori._ What dost thou doubt?
_Wait._ Faith I am loth to tell it, Madam.
_Ori._ Out with it, 'tis not true modesty to fear to speak that
thou dost think.
_Wait._ I think it [be] one of these [same] Bawdy houses.
_Ori._ 'Tis no matter wench, we are warm in it, keep thou thy mind
pure, and upon my word, that name will do thee no hurt: I cannot
force my self yet to fear any thing; when I do get out, I'll [have]
another encounter with my Woman-Hater. Here will I sit. I may get
sight of some of my friends, it must needs be a comfort to them to
see me here.
_Enter_ Duke, Gondarino, Count, Arrigo.
_Gond._ Are we all sufficiently disguis'd? for this house where she
attends me, is not to be visited in our own shapes.
_Duke._ We are not our selves.
_Arr._ I know the house to be sinful enough, yet I have been
heretofore, and durst now, but for discovering of you, appear here
in my own likeness.
_Duke._ Where's _Lucio_?
_Arri._ My Lord, he said the affairs of the Common-wealth would not
suffer him to attend always.
_Duke._ Some great ones questionless that he will handle.
_Count._ Come, let us enter.
_Gond._ See how Fortune strives to revenge my quarrel upon these
women, she's in the window, were it not to undoe her, I should not
look upon her.
_Duke._ Lead us _Gondarino_.
_Gond._ Stay; since you force me to display my shame,
Look there, and you my Lord, know you that face?
_Duke._ Is't she?
_Count._ It is.
_Gond._ 'Tis she, whose greatest virtue ever was
Dissimulation; she that still hath strove
More to sin cunningly, than to avoid it:
She that hath ever sought to be accounted
Most virtuous, when she did deserve most scandal:
'Tis she that itches now, and in the height
Of her intemperate thoughts, with greedy eyes
Expects my coming to allay her Lust:
Leave her; forget she's thy sister.
_Count._ Stay, stay.
_Duke._ I am as full of this, as thou canst be,
The memory of this will easily
Hereafter stay my loose and wandring thought[s]
From any Woman.
_Count._ This will not down with me, I dare not trust this fellow.
_Duke._ Leave her here, that only shall be her punishment, never to
be fetcht from hence; but let her use her trade to get her living.
_Count._ Stay good my Lord, I do believe all this, as great men as
I, have had known whores to their Sisters, and have laught at it:
I would fain hear how she talks, since she grew thus light: will
your grace make him shew himself to her, as if he were now come
to satisfie her longing? whilst we, unseen of her, over-hear her
wantonness, let's make our best of it now, we shall have good mirth.
_Duke._ Do it _Gondarino_.
_Gond._ I must; fortune assist me but this once.
_Count._ Here we shall stand unseen, and near enough.
_Gond._ Madam, _Oriana_.
_Oria._ Who's that? oh! my Lord?
_Gond._ Shall I come up?
_Oria._ Oh you are merry, shall I come down?
_Gond._ It is better there.
_Oria._ What is the confession of the lye you made to the Duke,
which I scarce believe, yet you had impudence enough to do? did it
not gain you so much faith with me, as that I was willing to be at
your Lordships bestowing, till you had recover'd my credit, and
confest your self a lyar, as you pretended to do? I confess I began
to fear you, and desir'd to be out of your house, but your own
followers forc'd me hither.
_Gond._ 'Tis well suspected, dissemble still, for there are some
may hear us.
_Oria._ More tricks yet, my Lord? what house this is I know not, I
only know my self: it were a great conquest, if you could fasten
a scandal upon me: 'faith my Lord, give me leave to write to my
brother?
_Duke._ Come down.
_Count._ Come down.
_Arr._ If it please your Grace, there's a back door.
_Count._ Come meet us there then.
_Duke._ It seems you are acquainted with the house.
_Arr._ I have been in it.
_Gond._ She saw you and dissembled.
_Duke._ Sir, we shall know that better.
_Gond._ Bring me unto her, if I prove her not
To be a strumpet, let me be contemn'd
Of all her sex. [_Exeunt._
_Actus Quintus. Scæna Prima._
_Enter_ Lucio.
_Luc._ Now whilst the young Duke follows his delights,
We that do mean to practise in the State,
Must pick our times, and set our faces in,
And nod our heads as it may prove most fit
For the main good of the dear Common-wealth:
Who's within there?
_Enter a Servant._
_Serv._ My Lord?
_Luc._ Secretary, fetch the Gown I use to read Petitions in,
and the Standish I answer French Letters with: and call in the
Gentleman that attends: [_Exit Serv._
Little know they that do not deal in State,
How many things there are to be observ'd,
Which seem but little; yet by one of us
(Whose brains do wind about the Common-wealth)
Neglected, cracks our credits utterly.
_Enter Gentleman and a Servant._
Sir, but that I do presume upon your secresie, I would not have
appear'd to you thus ignorantly attir'd without a tooth-pick in a
ribbond, or a Ring in my bandstring[s].
_Gent._ Your Lordship sen[t] for me?
_Luc._ I did: Sir, your long practice in the State, under a great
man, hath led you to much experience.
_Gent._ My Lord.
_Luc._ Suffer not your modesty to excuse it: in short, and in
private, I desire your direction, I take my study already to be
furnisht after a grave and wise method.
_Gent._ What will this Lord do?
_Luc._ My Book-strings are sutable, and of a reaching colour.
_Gent._ How's this?
_Luc._ My Standish of Wood, strange and sweet, and my fore-flap
hangs in the right place, and as near _Machiavel's_, as can be
gathered by tradition.
_Gent._ Are there such men as will say nothing abroad, and play
the fools in their Lodgings? this Lord must be followed: and hath
your Lordship some new made words to scatter in your speeches in
publick, to gain note, that the hearers may carry them away, and
dispute of them at dinner?
_Luc._ I have Sir: and besides, my several Gowns and Caps agreeable
to my several occasions.
_Gent._ 'Tis well, and you have learn'd to write a bad hand, that
the Readers may take pains for it.
_Luc._ Yes Sir, and I give out I have the palsie.
_Gent._ Good, 'twere better though, if you had it: your Lordship
hath a Secretary, that can write fair, when you purpose to be
understood.
_Luc._ 'Faith Sir I have one, there he stands, he hath been my
Secretary these seven years, but he hath forgotten to write.
_Gen._ If he can make a writing face, it is not amiss, so he keep
his own counsel: your Lordship hath no hope of the Gout?
_Luc._ Uh, little Sir, since the pain in my right foot left me.
_Gent._ 'Twill be some scandal to your wisdom, though I see your
Lordship knows enough in publick business.
_Luc._ I am not imploy'd (though to my desert) in occasions
forreign, nor frequented for matters domestical.
_Gent._ Not frequented? what course takes your Lordship?
_Luc._ The readiest way, my door stands wi[de], my Secretary knows
I am not denied to any.
_Gent._ In this (give me leave) your Lordship is out of the way:
make a back door to let out Intelligencers; seem to be ever busie,
and put your door under keepers, and you shall have a troop of
Clients sweating to come at you.
_Luc._ I have a back door already, I will henceforth be busie,
Secretary, run and keep the door. [_Exit Secretary._
_Gent._ This will fetch 'um?
_Luc._ I hope so.
_Enter Secretary._
_Secr._ My Lord, there are some require access to you, about
weighty affairs of State.
_Luc._ Already?
_Gent._ I told you so.
_Luc._ How weighty is the business?
_Secr._ Treason my Lord.
_Luc._ Sir, my debts to you for this are great.
_Gent._ I will leave your Lordship now.
_Luc._ Sir, my death must be suddain, if I requite you not: at the
back door good Sir.
_Gent._ I will be your Lordships Intelligencer for once. [_Exit
Gentleman._
_Enter Secretary._
_Secr._ My Lord.
_Luc._ Let 'em in, and say I am at my study.
_Enter_ Lazarello, _and two Intelligencers_,
Lucio _being at his study_.
_1 Int._ Where is your Lord?
_Secr._ At his study, but he will have you brought in.
_Laza._ Why Gentlemen, what will you charge me withal?
_2 Int._ Treason, horrible treason, I hope to have the leading of
thee to prison, and prick thee on i'th' arse with a Halbert: to
have him hang'd that salutes thee, and call all those in question
that spit not upon thee.
_Laz._ My thred is spun, yet might I but call for this dish of meat
at the gallows, instead of a Psalm, it were to be endur'd: the
Curtain opens, now my end draws on.
[_Secretary draws the Curtain._
_Luc._ Gentlemen, I am not empty of weighty occasions at this time;
I pray you your business.
_1 Int._ My Lord, I think we have discover'd one of the most bloudy
Traitors, that ever the world held.
_Luc._ Signior _Lazarillo_, I am glad ye are one of this discovery,
give me your hand.
_2 Int._ My Lord, that is the Traitor.
_Luc._ Keep him off, I would not for my whole estate have touchd
him.
_Laz._ My Lord.
_Luc._ Peace Sir, I know the devil is at your tongue's end, to
furnish you with speeches: what are the particulars you charge him
with?
[_They deliver a paper to_ Lucio, _who reads_.
_Both Int._ We [have] conferr'd our Notes, and have extracted that,
which we will justifie upon our oaths.
_Luc._ That he would be greater than the Duke, that he had cast
plots for this, and meant to corrupt some to betray him, that he
would burn the City, kill the Duke, and poison the Privy Council;
and lastly kill himself. Though thou deserv'st justly to be hang'd
with silence, yet I allow thee to speak, be short.
_Laz._ My Lord, so may my greatest wish succeed,
So may I live, and compass what I seek,
As I had never treason in my thoughts,
Nor ever did conspire the overthrow
Of any creatures but of brutish beasts,
Fowls, Fishes, and such other humane food,
As is provided for the good of man.
If stealing Custards, Tarts, and Florentines
By some late Statute be created Treason;
How many fellow-Courtiers can I bring,
Whose long attendance and experience,
Hath made them deeper in the plot than I?
_Luc._ Peace, such hath ever been the clemency of my gracious
Master the Duke, in all his proceedings, that I had thought, and
thought I had thought rightly; that malice would long e'r this
have hid her self in her Den, a[n]d have turn'd her own sting
against her own heart: but I well [now] perceive, that so froward
is the disposition of a deprav'd nature, that it doth not only seek
revenge, where it hath receiv'd injury, but many times thirst after
their destruction, where it hath met with benefits.
_Laz._ But my good Lord--
_2 Int._ Let's gagg him.
_Luc._ Peace again, but many times thirst after destruction, where
it hath met with benefits; there I left: Such, and no better are
the business that we have now in hand.
_1 Int._ He's excellently spoken.
_[2] Int._ He'll wind a Traitor I warrant him.
_Luc._ But surely methinks, setting aside the touch of conscience,
and all [other] inward convulsions.
_2 Int._ He'll be hang'd, I know by that word.
_Laz._ Your Lordship may consider--
_Luc._ Hold thy peace: thou canst not answer this speech: no
Traitor can answer it: but because you cannot answer this speech, I
take it you have confess'd the Treason.
_1 Int._ The Count _Valore_ was the first that discover'd him, and
can witness it; but he left the matter to your Lordship's grave
consideration.
_Luc._ I thank his Lordship, carry him away speedily to the Duke.
_Laz._ Now _Lazarillo_ thou art tumbl'd down
The hill of fortune, with a violent arm;
All plagues that can be, Famine, and the Sword
Will light upon thee, black despair will boil
In thy despairing breast, no comfort by,
Thy friends far off, thy enemies are nigh.
_Luc._ Away with him, I'll follow you, look you pinion him, and
take his money from him, lest he swallow a shilling, and kill
himself.
_2 Int._ Get thou on before. [_Exeunt._
_Actus Quintus. Scæna [2]._
_Enter the Duke, the Count_, Gondarino, _and_ Arrigo.
_Duke._ Now _Gondarino_, what can you put on now
That may [again] deceive us?
Have ye more strange illusions, yet more mists,
Through which, the weak eye may be led to error:
What can ye say that may do satisfaction
Both for her wrong'd honor, and your ill?
_Gond._ All I can say, or may, is said already:
She is unchaste, or else I have no knowledge,
I do not breathe, nor have the use of sense.
_Duke._ Dare ye be yet so wilful, ignorant of your own
nakedness? did not your servants
In mine own hearing confess
They brought her to that house we found her in,
Almost by force: and with a great distrust
Of some ensuing hazard?
_Count._ He that hath begun so worthily,
It fits not with his resolution
To leave off thus, my Lord, I know these are but idle proofs.
What says your Lordship to them?
_Gond._ Count, I dare yet pronounce again, thy Sister is not honest.
_Count._ You are your self my Lord, I like your setledness.
_Gond._ Count, thou art young, and unexperienc'd in the dark,
hidden ways of Women: Thou dar'st affirm with confidence, a Lady of
fifteen may be a Maid.
_Count._ Sir, if it were not so, I have a Sister would set near my
heart.
_Gond._ Let her sit near her shame, it better fits her: call back
the bloud that made our stream in nearness, and turn the Current to
a better use; 'tis too much mudded, I do grieve to know it.
_Duke._ Dar'st thou make up again, dar'st thou turn face, knowing
we know thee, hast thou not been discover'd openly? did not our
ears hear her deny thy courtings? did we not see her blush with
modest anger, to be so overtaken by a trick; can ye deny this Lord?
_Gond._ Had not your Grace, and her kind brother
Been within level of her eye,
You should have had a hotter volley from her,
More full of bloud and fire, ready to leap the window where she stood.
So truly sensual is her appetite.
_Duke._ Sir, Sir, these are but words and tricks, give me the proof.