SCENE--_The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular
evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrangements,
and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are apparently
strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed by a meek and
youthful Guest._
_The Egotistic Amphitryon_ (_concluding an harangue_). Well, all
_I_'ve got to say is I've been here half-an-hour--(_with a bitter
sense of the anomaly of the situation_)--waiting about for _You!!_
(_They seat themselves at one of the little tables under the
verandah._) Oh, you're going to sit _that_ side, are you? It's all the
same to me, except that there's a confounded draught here which--well,
you're young, and these things don't affect you--or oughtn't to.
(_They exchange sides._) We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we
mean to hear anything of the music. That was the reason I expressly
told you seven sharp. Here, Waiter! (Waiter _presents a carte, and
stands by with a proud humility._) Now, what are you going to have?
(_To_ Guest.) You don't mind? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care
what he eats--he _ought_ to care, he _must_ care. What do you say
to this--"Potage Bisque d'écrivisses; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise;
Brimborions de veau farcis à l'imprévu; Ducklings and green peas; New
Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (_To_ Waiter.) Let us
have that as sharp as you can; do you hear?
[Illustration]
_Waiter_. Quick? Yes, I dell zem. [_He hurries off._
_The E.A._ Hang the fellow, he's forgotten the wine! (_To_ Guest.)
What will you drink?
_The Guest_ (_thinks it will look greedy if he suggests champagne_).
Oh--er--whatever _you're_ going to drink.
_The E.A._ Well, I'm going to have a glass of champagne myself. I want
it after all this worry. But if you prefer beer (_considerately_), say
so. (_The_ Guest, _in a spirit of propitiation, prefers beer._) Well,
we could have managed a bottle of Pommery between us, and it's never
so good to my mind in the pints--but please yourself, of course.
[_The_ Guest _feels that his moderation has missed fire, but dares
not retract; they sit in silence for some time, without anything of
importance happening, except that a strange Waiter swoops down and
carries away their bread-basket._
_A Meek Man_ (_at an adjoining table, who, probably for family
reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline
nose and remarkably thick eyebrows._) You know, HORATIA, I call this
sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air,
eh? [_He rubs his hands under the table._
_Horatia_ (_acidly_). It may be so, AUGUSTUS, when we _do_ have it. At
present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had nothing but
fresh air and small flies, and, as I don't pretend to be a Chameleon
myself, why-- [_She fans herself vigorously._
_Augustus_. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the trout
_en papillotes_ might take some little time. I suppose (_with mild
Jocularity_)--it's a fashionable fish--wants to come in with a "little
head sunning over with curls," as the poet says.
_Horatia_. Please don't make jokes of that sort--unless you wish to
destroy the little appetite I have left!
_Augustus_ (_penitently_). Never mind--I won't do it again. Here 's
our Waiter at last. _Now_ we're all right! [_The_ Waiter _puts a dish
down upon another table, and advances with the air of a family friend
who brings bad tidings._
_Horatia_. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once?
_The Waiter_ (_bending down to_ AUGUSTUS _with pity and sympathy_).
Fery sôry to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting,
bot (_thinks how he can break it most gently_) ve haf zo many beople
hier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more
drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay!
_Augustus_ (_mildly_). No, of course not--well, let me see, now, what
can you--?
_The E.A._ Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you? What the--
_Waiter_ (_to_ AUGUSTUS). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (_To_
E.A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes?
_The E.A._ (_exploding_). My bill! Confound it! I want something to
eat first. When is that Bisque coming?
_Waiter_. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your
Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [_He goes._
_Horatia_. Now we're farther off from getting any food than ever! I
suppose you mean to do _something_, AUGUSTUS?
_Augustus_. Of course--certainly. I shall speak very strongly.
(_Bleating_.) Waiter!
_Horatia_ (_with scorn_). _Do_ you imagine they will pay the least
attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy? Lot them see you _insist_
upon being obeyed.
_Augustus_. I am--I mean, I will--I am very much annoyed.
(_Fiercely_.) Wa-ai-ter!
_A Stern Waiter_ (_appearing suddenly_.) You vant somsing, Sir?
_Augustus_ (_apologetically_). Yes; we should--er--like something to
eat--anything--so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't mind.
"We--this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've waited some little time
already, you see.
_The Waiter_. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your
Vaiter. [_He vanishes._
_The E.A_. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here! Ha! at
last! (_A_ Waiter _appears with a tureen, which he uncovers._) Here,
what do you call _this?_
_Waiter_. Groûte au Bot--you order him, yes? No? I dake him away! [_He
whisks it away, to the chagrin of_ Guest, _who thought it smelt nice._
The E.A_. I ordered Bisque--where is it? and I want some wine, too--a
pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they're not here very soon,
I'll--
_The Guest_ (_trying to make the best of things_). Nothing for it but
patience, I suppose.
_The E.A._ (_with intention_). I had very little of _that_ left before
I sat down, I can tell you!
_A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner._ Waiter, could you spare me one
moment of your valuable time? (_The_ Waiter _halts irresolutely._) It
is so long since I had the pleasure of speaking to you, that you may
possibly have forgotten that about three-quarters of an hour ago I
ventured to express a preference for an Entrecôte aux pommes de terre
with a half-bottle of Beaune. Could you give me any idea how much
longer those rare dainties may take in preparing, and in the meantime
enable me to support the pangs of starvation by procuring me the
favour of a penny roll, if I am not trespassing too much upon your
good-nature? [_The_ Waiter, _in a state of extreme mystification and
alarm, departs to inform the_ Manager.
_The E.A.'s Waiter_ (_reappearing with a small plated bowl, champagne
bottle and glass of lager._) I regred fery moch to haf to dell you
zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson. [_He bows with
well-bred concern._
_The E.A_. Confound it all! (_To_ Guest.) Here, _you'd_ better take
this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh? Well, Bisque _is_ apt to
disagree with some people. (_To_ Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring
this gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (_He
busies himself with his Bisque, while the_ Guest, _in pure absence
of mind, drinks the champagne with which the_ Waiter _has filled his
glass._) Here, what are you doing? _I_ didn't order lager. (_Perceives
the mistake_.) Oh, you've changed your mind, have you? (_To_ Guest.)
All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at once.
(_To_ W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager stuff away.
(_Exit_ W.; _the unfortunate_ Guest, _in attempting to pass the
bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup._) Hullo, what
the--there--(_controlling himself_). You might have left me the
_soup_, at all events! Well--well--it's no use saying any more about
it. I suppose I shall get something to eat some day.
[_General tumult from several tables; appeals to the_ Waiters, _who
lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue_;
HORATIA _threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade at
a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of energetic Manager;
explanations, apologies, promises. Magic and instantaneous production
of everybody's dinner. Appetite and anger appeased, as Scene closes
in._
N.B.--_Mr. Punch_ wishes it to be understood that the above sketch
is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular
restaurants existing at present in either exhibition.
* * * * *
LEGAL AND MILITARY.--"Ancient Lights."--Retired Lancers.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-BIRDS.]
* * * * *