* * * * *
QUEER QUERIES.--A FIRST READING.--Would some person kindly inform
me of a good Recitation for a Smoking Concert? I have been asked to
recite "something telling" after the annual banquet of a Club of local
Licensed Victuallers. I am thinking of the First Book of _Paradise
Lost_. Or would parts of _The Excursion_ be more likely to create
a _furore_? I have never recited in public before, and feel rather
doubtful of my ability to "hold" the Victuallers.--WILLING TO OBLIGE.
* * * * *
[Illustration: GENTLE SATIRE.
"I SAY, BILL, LOOK 'ERE! 'ERE'S A OLD COVE OUT RECORD-BREAKING!"]
* * * * *
"THE DILEMMA."
(_An old Irish Story newly applied._)
["On which horn of the dilemma will the Gladstonians elect
to stand?"--_Mr. Chamberlain, in his controversy with Sir
W. Harcourt on the place of Home Rule in the Gladstonian
programme._]
_Faithful Unionist Sentry, loquitur_:--
Faith! yes, a dilemma, no doubt, is _the_ thing
To stagger Big Bounce, in a fashion Socratic.
I fancy I know now to plant a sharp sting,
The success of my bayonet-play is emphatic.
Remember a picture I once chanced to see,
A Pompeian sentinel posed at a portal,
And "faithful to death" though fire threatened. That's Me!
As my country's defender, my fame is immortal.
Yes, the Sentinel's _rôle_ suits my style passing well;
The enemy won't find me napping or nodding.
But what I _most_ like as I do sentry spell,
Is the fine opportunity offered for--prodding!
I watch like a lynx, as a sentry should do,
With an eye like a hawk, and a smile sweet as syrup;
But when there's a chance for 'a thrust--whirraroo!
My bayonet-point is agog for a stir up!
JOE, the Sentry, you know, like _Joe Bagstock_, is sly,
Ay, "devilish sly,"--if I may speak profanely.
That swashbuckler H-RC-RT now, swaggering there--why,
The big burly Bobadil's acting insanely.
I _do_ like to draw him. These ramparts are mine,
But because we're old comrades he cheeks me. "Woa, EMMA!"
As cads used to shout. I extremely incline
To tickle him up with--a two-horned Dilemma!
"Well, WILLIAM, what cheer?" He is struggling out there
With a--Snark; 'tis a Boojum which shortly may vanish.
Like _Frankenstein's_, his is a Monster, I fear,
He would--did he dare--be delighted to banish.
That big "Home-Rule" Bogey, my Bobadil, seems
A "handful" with which you are destined to struggle,
Which darkens your days as it haunts all your dreams;
Which you cannot get rid of by force or by juggle.
_You've got him, you say?_ Well, then, bring him along!
Ha! ha! Says _"he can't!"_ That's exceedingly funny!
It _is_ very hard when your "captive"'s so strong,
He won't do your bidding for love or for money.
Like SAMSON he leads his DELILAH a dance.
Like PAT'S prisoner--all know the old Irish story--
He won't give his captor a ghost of a chance.
Such "prisoners" _do_ mar their conqueror's glory.
_"Well, leave him behind, then, and come on alone!"_--
Eh! "Captive won't _let_ you?" That's just what I told you!
Your trophy, "Home Rule," has an incubus grown;
He's got _you_, my friend, and, my faith, he will _hold_ you.
'Tis PADDY'S Dilemma all over again,
Only you're the true PAT. You can't take it _or_ leave it.
Your triumph was futile, your struggles are vain;
Mine's the Sentinel's eye, and you cannot deceive it.
[_Left chortling, but still "on duty."_
* * * * *
"NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE"-- SUCCESSION?
"Supply--Army Estimates."
General FRASER--not a _phraser_ clearly--
Military grumbling vents sincerely;
House won't listen, and the cruel _Times_
Summarised his tale of woes and crimes,
As--great CÆSAR!--"a few observations."
TANNER, always great on such occasions,
Intimates that it is his impression
Soldiers are "succeeding in succession"
In the interest of more Expense.
Well, "economists" make stir immense,
But in spite of most Draconic manner,
Hardly ever seem to _save_--a "tanner."
So that one is prone to think indeed,
In succession they do _not_--"succeed!"
* * * * *
"A LEGGE UP."--The new Bishop of LICHFIELD.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE DILEMMA."
(_NEW ADAPTATION OF AN OLD IRISH STORY_.)