I mean to rule the earth.

As he the sky--

We really know our worth,

The Sun and I!

Observe his flame,

That placid dame,

The Moon's Celestial Highness;

There's not a trace

Upon her face

Of diffidence or shyness:

She borrows light

That, through the night,

Mankind may all acclaim her!

And, truth to tell,

She lights up well,

So I, for one, don't blame her!

Ah, pray make no mistake,

We are not shy;

We're very wide awake,

The Moon and I!

THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER.

Whene'er I poke

Sarcastic joke

Replete with malice spiteful,

The people vile

Politely smile

And vote me quite delightful!

Now, when a wight

Sits up all night

Ill-natured jokes devising,

And all his wiles

Are met with smiles,

It's hard, there's no disguising!

Oh, don't the days seem lank and long

When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,

And isn't your life extremely flat

With nothing whatever to grumble at!

When German bands

From music stands

Play Wagner imper_fect_ly--

I bid them go--

They don't say no,

But off they trot directly!

The organ boys

They stop their noise

With readiness surprising,

And grinning herds

Of hurdy-gurds

Retire apologizing!

Oh, don't the days seem lank and long

When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,

And isn't your life extremely flat

With nothing whatever to grumble at!

I've offered gold,

In sums untold,

To all who'd contradict me--

I've said I'd pay

A pound a day

To any one who kicked me--

I've bribed with toys

Great vulgar boys

To utter something spiteful,

But, bless you, no!

They _will_ be so

Confoundedly politeful!

In short, these aggravating lads

They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,

They give me this and they give me that,

And I've nothing whatever to grumble at!

THE WORKING MONARCH.

Rising early in the morning,

We proceed to light our fire;

Then our Majesty adorning

In its work-a-day attire,

We embark without delay

On the duties of the day.

First, we polish off some batches

Of political dispatches,

And foreign politicians circumvent;

Then, if business isn't heavy,

We may hold a Royal levee,

Or ratify some acts of Parliament;

Then we probably review the household troops--

With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!"

Or receive with ceremonial and state

An interesting Eastern Potentate,

After that we generally

Go and dress our private valet--

(It's rather a nervous duty--he's a touchy little man)

Write some letters literary

For our private secretary--

He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.

Then, in view of cravings inner,

We go down and order dinner;

Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate--

Spend an hour in titivating

All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;

Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

Oh, philosophers may sing

Of the troubles of a King;

Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;

But the privilege and pleasure

That we treasure beyond measure

Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State!

After luncheon (making merry

On a bun and glass of sherry),

If we've nothing particular to do,

We may make a Proclamation,

Or receive a Deputation--

Then we possibly create a Peer or two.

Then we help a fellow creature on his path

With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath:

Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State

To a festival, a function, or a _fete_.

Then we go and stand as sentry

At the Palace (private entry),

Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro,

While the warrior on duty

Goes in search of beer and beauty

(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).

He relieves us, if he's able,

Just in time to lay the table,

Then we dine and serve the coffee; and at half-past twelve or one,

With a pleasure that's emphatic,

We retire to our attic

With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done.

Oh, philosophers may sing

Of the troubles of a King,

But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none;

And the culminating pleasure

That we treasure beyond measure

Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

THE ROVER'S APOLOGY.

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray;

Though I own that my heart has been ranging,

Of nature the laws I obey,

For nature is constantly changing.

The moon in her phases is found,

The time and the wind and the weather,

The months in succession come round,

And you don't find two Mondays together.

Consider the moral, I pray,

Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,

Who loves this young lady to-day,

And loves that young lady to-morrow.

You cannot eat breakfast all day,

Nor is it the act of a sinner,

When breakfast is taken away

To turn your attention to dinner;

And it's not in the range of belief,

That you could hold him as a glutton,

Who, when he is tired of beef,

Determines to tackle the mutton.

But this I am ready to say,

If it will diminish their sorrow,

I'll marry this lady to-day,

And I'll marry that lady to-morrow!

WOULD YOU KNOW?

Would you know the kind of maid

Sets my heart a flame-a?

Eyes must be downcast and staid,

Cheeks must flush for shame-a!

She may neither dance nor sing,

But, demure in everything,

Hang her head in modest way,

With pouting lips that seem to say

"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,

Though I die of shame-a."

Please you, that's the kind of maid

Sets my heart a flame-a!

When a maid is bold and gay,

With a tongue goes clang-a,

Flaunting it in brave array,

Maiden may go hang-a!

Sunflower gay and hollyhock

Never shall my garden stock;

Mine the blushing rose of May,

With pouting lips that seem to say,

"Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,

Though I die for shame-a!"

Please you, that's the kind of maid

Sets my heart a flame-a!

[Illustration]

THE MAGNET AND THE CHURN.

A magnet hung in a hardware shop,

And all around was a loving crop

Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,

Offering love for all their lives;

But for iron the magnet felt no whim,

Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him,

From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,

For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn!

His most aesthetic,

Very magnetic

Fancy took this turn--

"If I can wheedle

A knife or needle,

Why not a Silver Churn?"

And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,

The needles opened their well drilled eyes,

The pen-knives felt "shut up," no doubt,

The scissors declared themselves "cut out."

The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,

While every nail went off its head,

And hither and thither began to roam,

Till a hammer came up--and drove it home,

While this magnetic

Peripatetic

Lover he lived to learn,

By no endeavor,

Can Magnet ever

Attract a Silver Churn!

BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR.

Braid the raven hair,

Weave the supple tress,

Deck the maiden fair

In her loveliness;

Paint the pretty face,

Dye the coral lip.

Emphasize the grace

Of her ladyship!

Art and nature, thus allied,

Go to make a pretty bride!

Sit with downcast eye,

Let it brim with dew;

Try if you can cry,

We will do so, too.

When you're summoned, start

Like a frightened roe;

Flutter, little heart,

Color, come and go!

Modesty at marriage tide

Well becomes a pretty bride!

IS LIFE A BOON?

Is life a boon?

If so? it must befal

That Death, whene'er he call,

Must call too soon.

Though fourscore years he give,

Yet one would pray to live

Another moon!

What kind of plaint have I,

Who perish in July?

I might have had to die,

Perchance, in June!

Is life a thorn?

Then count it not a whit!

Man is well done with it;

Soon as he's born

He should all means essay

To put the plague away:

And I, war-worn,

Poor captured fugitive,

My life most gladly give--

I might have had to live

Another morn!

A MIRAGE.

Were I thy bride,

Then the whole world beside

Were not too wide

To hold my wealth of love--

Were I thy bride!

Upon thy breast

My loving head would rest,

As on her nest

The tender turtle dove--

Were I thy bride!

This heart of mine

Would be one heart with thine,

And in that shrine

Our happiness would dwell--

Were I thy bride!

And all day long

Our lives should be a song:

No grief, no wrong

Should make my heart rebel--

Were I thy bride!

The silvery flute,

The melancholy lute,

Were night owl's hoot

To my low-whispered coo--

Were I thy bride!

The skylark's trill

Were but discordance shrill

To the soft thrill

Of wooing as I'd woo--

Were I thy bride!

The rose's sigh

Were as a carrion's cry

To lullaby

Such as I'd sing to thee,

Were I thy bride!

A feather's press

Were leaden heaviness

To my caress.

But then, unhappily,

I'm not thy bride!

A MERRY MADRIGAL.

Brightly dawns our wedding day;

Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!

Whither, whither art thou fleeting?

Fickle moment, prithee stay!

What though mortal joys be hollow?

Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:

Though the tocsin sound, ere long,

Ding dong! Ding dong!

Yet until the shadows fall

Over one and over all,

Sing a merry madrigal--

Fal la!

Let us dry the ready tear;

Though the hours are surely creeping,

Little need for woeful weeping,

Till the sad sundown is near.

All must sip the cup of sorrow--

I to-day and thou to-morrow:

This the close of every song--

Ding dong! Ding dong!

What, though solemn shadows fall,

Sooner, later, over all?

Sing a merry madrigal--

Fal la!

THE LOVE-SICK BOY.

When first my old, old love I knew,

My bosom welled with joy;

My riches at her feet I threw;

I was a love-sick boy!

No terms seemed too extravagant

Upon her to employ--

I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,

Just like a love-sick boy!

But joy incessant palls the sense;

And love, unchanged will cloy,

And she became a bore intense

Unto her love-sick boy!

With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,

And I grew cold and coy,

At last, one morning, I became

Another's love-sick boy!

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