(_AN EXTRACT FROM MR. PUNCH'S PURELY IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS._)
SCENE--_Interior of a Palace._ Emperor _and_ Empress
_discovered discussing the former's tour in foreign parts._
_Emperor_ (_finishing a good story_). So after I had made a hearty
meal off the bread-and-milk, I gave the old woman a note for five
thousand thalers, and told her to buy a three-sous portrait of
myself so that she might see the Sovereign that she had saved from
starvation. Ha! ha! ha! Wasn't it amusing?
_Empress_ (_smiling_). Very, dear; but wasn't it a little expensive?
Surely you could have got the bread-and-milk for a smaller sum?
_Emperor._ Of course I could! But then, don't you see, it made me
popular. It's in all the papers, and reads splendidly!
_Empress._ Yes, of course, dear. By the way, I found this volume
(_producing book bound in velvet with real gold clasps_) in your
overcoat. May I peep into it?
_Emperor_ (_doubtfully_). I don't think you will find it particularly
interesting. I have just jotted down my petty cash disbursements.
_Empress_ (_opening book and glancing at contents_). Dear me! Why the
total amounts to £15,000! I see it's put in English money.
_Emperor._ Yes, it saves trouble. When I am travelling I get rather
confused with all coinage save that of Mother's Fatherland.
_Empress._ But surely £15,000 is a lot to expend upon extras?
_Emperor._ Depends on the view you take of things. I had a lot of
things to buy.
_Empress._ But surely _this_ must be wrong? Shoeblack fifty guineas!
_Emperor_ (_lightly_). No, I think that's all right. You see, the
fellow, after he had cleaned my boots, suddenly recognised me, called
me Sire, and sang the "_Wacht am Rhein_." I couldn't, after that, give
him less.
_Empress._ Well, you know best, dear; but I should have thought you
could have got your boots cleaned for rather less!
_Emperor._ Possibly; but I should have lost the story. And you know it
reads so well.
_Empress._ And here's another rather big item. £800 for a London
cabman!
_Emperor._ I consider _that_ the cheapest item in the lot. He wanted
more!
_Empress._ And here are several items of seventy pounds apiece. What
were _they_ for?
_Emperor._ Oh, nothing in particular. Little girl picked up my
handkerchief, and a little boy asked me for a kite. Was obliged to
give them each a bundle of tenners. It would have been so mean if I
had given them less. But there, I told you you wouldn't find the book
at all interesting. If you will pass it to me, I will lock it up.
_Empress._ Oh, certainly, dear. (_Gives up volume._) And now, darling,
I am going to ask you a favour. You never saw such a pet of a
coronet as they have at Von ----'s. Now I want you to buy it for me
particularly.
_Emperor_ (_embarrassed_). Certainly, dear--but you know, we are not
too well off.
_Empress._ Oh, but it is simply charming. Rubies round the edge, and
a cross of brilliants and emeralds. And, really, _so_ cheap. They only
want £100,000 for it!
_Emperor._ Very nice indeed; but just at this moment it would be a
little inconvenient to produce so large a sum.
_Empress._ Large sum! Why, the rubies alone are worth all the money.
_Emperor._ Yes, I know, dear. And now I must hurry away; duty, my
love, comes before pleasure. See you soon.
[_Exit hurriedly, to attend a review. In the meanwhile,
Coronet remains in the jeweller's shop-window. Curtain_.
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[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON. A SCOTCH NIGHT.]
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