"I dreamed," said the Scotch Professor, "that I was struggling for
dear life with a monstrous reptile, whose scaly coils wound about my
body, while the extremity of his own was lost in the distance. At last
I managed to shake myself free, and setting my foot on his neck, I
was preparing to cut his throat, when the animal looked up at me with
an appealing expression, and said, 'At least you might give me a
testimonial!'"
This professional nightmare (for the labours of a Scotch instructor
consist, to a great extent, in writing testimonials, or in evading
requests for them), suggested to one of his audience the history of
SAUNDERS MCGREGOR, the Man who would Get on. In boyhood, SAUNDERS
obtained an exhibition, or bursary, to the University of St. Mungo's.
This success implied no high degree of scholarship, for the benefice
was only open to persons of the surname of MCGREGOR, and the
Christian-name of SAUNDERS. The provident parents of our hero, having
accidentally become aware of this circumstance, had their offspring
christened SAUNDERS, and thus secured, from the very first, an opening
for the young man.
[Illustration]
At St. Mungo's, SAUNDERS was mainly notable for a generous view of
life, which enabled him to look on the goods of others as practically
common among Christians. A pipe of his own he somehow possessed,
but tobacco and lights he invariably borrowed, also golf-balls,
postage-stamps, railway fares, books, caps, gowns, and similar
trifles; while his nature was so social, that he invariably dropped in
to supper with one or other of his companions. The accident of being
left alone for a few moments in the study of our Examiner, where
SAUNDERS deftly possessed himself of a set of examination-papers,
enabled him to take his degree with an ease and brilliance which very
considerably astonished his instructors. By adroitly using his good
fortune, SAUNDERS accumulated a pile of most egregious testimonials,
and these he regarded as the mainspring of success in life. He had
early discovered in himself a singular capacity for drawing salaries,
and as he had unbounded conceit and unqualified ignorance, he
conceived himself to be fit for any post in life to which a salary is
attached. He had also really great gifts as a _crampon_, or hanger-on,
and neglected no opportunity, while he made many, of securing useful
acquaintances. Thus it was the custom of his college to elect,
at stated periods, a man of eminence as Rector. SAUNDERS at once
constituted himself secretary of a committee, and, without consulting
his associates, wrote invitations to eminent politicians, poets,
painters, actors, editors, clergymen, and other people much in the
public eye. In these effusions he poured forth the innocent enthusiasm
of his heart, expressing an admiration which might seem excessive to
all but its objects. They, with the guilelessness of mature age and
conscious merit, were touched by SAUNDERS'S expressions of esteem,
which they set down to hero-worship, and a fervent study of Mr.
CARLYLE'S works. Only one of the persons addressed, unluckily,
could be elected; but SAUNDERS added their responses to his pile
of testimonials, and frequently gave them good epistolary reason to
remember his existence and his devotion.
His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or something,
the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the Society
for the Protection of Aborigines, or Ancient Monuments, or even as
Secretary to the Carlton Club, SAUNDERS felt he could do his talents
justice in any of these positions. If anything was to be had, SAUNDERS
was the boy to ask for it; nay more, to ask other people to ask.
Private Secretaryships to Ministers, or societies, or great Clubs,
are not invariably given to the first applicant who comes along, even
if he appeals to testimonials in the Junior Mathematical Class from
Professor MCGLASHAN of St. Mungo's. But SAUNDERS was not daunted. He
would write to one notable, informing him that his grandmother had
been at a parish school with the notable's great uncle--on which
ground of acquaintanceship he would ask that the notable should
at once get him a post as Secretary of a Geological Society, or as
Inspector of Manufactories, or of Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commission
on the Trade of Knife-grinding.
Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed out
to him in a railway station, therefore he was emboldened to ask
his correspondent to ask his Publisher, to get at the Editor of
the _Times_, and recommend him, SAUNDERS, as Musical Critic,
or Sub-editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did SAUNDERS neglect
Professorships, and vacant Chairs. His testimonials went in for all
of them. He was equally ready and qualified to be Professor of Greek,
Metaphysics, Etruscan, Chemistry, or the Use of the Globes, while
Biblical criticism and Natural Religion, prompted his wildest
yearnings. Though ignorant of foreign languages, he was prepared to
be a correspondent anywhere, and though he was purely unlearned in all
matters, he proposed to edit Dictionaries and Encyclopædias, of course
with the assistance of a large and competent staff. His proofs of
capacity for a series of occupations that would have staggered a
CRICHTON, was always attested by his old College testimonials, for
SAUNDERS was of opinion that the courteous _obiter dictum_ of a
Professor was an Open Sesame to all the golden gates of the world.
Meanwhile, he supported existence by teaching the elements of the
classic languages, with which he had the most distant acquaintance, to
little boys, at a Day School. But one of these pupils came home, one
afternoon, in tears, having been beaten on the palms of the hands
with a leathern strap, in addition to the task of writing out the
verb [Greek: tuptô]. This punishment was inflicted because, in
accordance with SAUNDERS'S instructions, he had represented the
Cyclops of Euripides as "sweeping the stars with a rake." The
original words of the Athenian poet do not bear this remarkable
construction, so SAUNDERS was dismissed from the only work which he
had ever made even a pretence of doing. He has not the energy, nor
the lungs necessary for the profession of an agitator; he has not
the grammar required in a penny-a-liner, he cannot cut hair, and his
manners unfit him for the occupation of a shop-assistant, so that
little is left open to SAUNDERS but the industry of the Blackmailer.
The office of Secretary to a Missionary in a Leper settlement, on an
island of Tierra Del Fuego, is, however, vacant; and, if the many
important personages with whom SAUNDERS has corresponded will only
make a united effort, it is possible that the Man who would Get
on may at last be got off, and relieve society from the burden of
his solicitations. May the comparative failure in life of SAUNDERS
MCGREGOR act as a warning to those who think that they shall be
heard, by men, for their much asking!
P.S.--This does not apply to women. We have just been informed that
Mr. SAUNDERS MCGREGOR, M.A., is about to lead to the altar the only
and orphan daughter of the late ALISTER MCFUNGUS, Esq., of Castle
Fungus, Dreepdaily, N.B., the eminent introducer of remarkably
improved processes in the manufacture of Heel-ball.
* * * * *
"ONE DOWN, T'OTHER COME ON!"--Mr. HORACE SEDGER has a _Prima Donna_
supply always on tap. After two of them have retired from the
principal part in _Incognita_, the lively Miss AIDA JENOURE--("'Aid
'em JENOURE,' she ought to be called," quoth Mr. WAGGSTAFF)--comes to
the rescue, and "on we goes again" with an excellent _danseuse_, too,
thoroughly in earnest, as her name implies, which sounds like Miss
Sin-cere and is written Miss ST. CYR.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A MERE DETAIL.
_Friend of the Family._ "WEEL, MRS. M'GLASGIE, AND HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER
DOIN', THE ONE THAT WAS MARRIED A WHILE AGO?"
_Mrs. M'Glasgie._ "OH, VARRA WEEL, THANK YE, MR. BROWN, VARRA WEEL,
INDEED! SHE CANNA ABIDE HER MAN. BUT THEN, YE KEN, THERE'S AYE A
SOMETHING!!"]
* * * * *