POINT Wag-a-wagging,
WILFRED Never flagging,
BOTH Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging,
Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging,
Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging!
BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!
POINT What a tale of cock,
WILFRED What a tale of bull!
POINT What a tale of cock,
WILFRED What a tale of bull!
BOTH What a tale of cock and bull,
Cock and bull, cock and bull,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!
[Exeunt together.
[Enter FAIRFAX
FAIRFAX Two days gone, and no news of poor Fairfax. The dolts!
They seek him everywhere save within a dozen yards of
his dungeon. So I am free! Free, but for the cursed
haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of
matrimony with— Heaven knows whom! As far as I
remember, she should have been young; but even had not
her face been concealed by her kerchief, I doubt
whether, in my then plight, I should have taken much
note of her. Free? Bah! The Tower bonds were but a
thread of silk compared with these conjugal fetters
which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own hands.
From the one I broke readily enough— how to break the
other!
No. 16. Free from his fetters grim
(BALLAD)
Fairfax
FAIRFAX Free from his fetters grim—
Free to depart;
Free both in life and limb—
In all but heart!
Bound to an unknown bride
For good and ill;
Ah, is not one so tied
A pris'ner still, a pris'ner still?
Ah, is not one so tied
A pris'ner still?
Free, yet in fetters held
Till his last hour,
Gyves that no smith can weld,
No rust devour!
Although a monarch's hand
Had set him free,
Of all the captive band
The saddest he, the saddest he!
Of all the captive band
The saddest, saddest he!
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL
FAIRFAX Well, Sergeant Meryll, and how fares thy pretty
charge,Elsie Maynard?
MERYLL Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and
leaves us to-night.
FAIRFAX Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh?
MERYLL Aye, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry
trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl
to me. It gave the old lady an excuse for taking up
her quarters in my house, and for the last two years
I've shunned her like the plague. Another day of it
and she would have married me! [Enter DAME CARRUTHERS
and KATE] Good Lord, here she is again! I'll e'en go.
[Going]
DAME Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of
grave import to say to thee.
MERYLL [aside] It's coming.
FAIRFAX [laughing] I'faith, I think I', not wanted here.
[Going]
DAME Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father
that his son may not hear.
FAIRFAX [aside] True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten!
DAME 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master
Leonard.
FAIRFAX Aye, fair as a peach blossom— what then?
DAME She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not.
FAIRFAX With all my heart. She's as dainty a little amid as
you'll find in a midsummer day's march.
DAME Then be warned in time, and give not thy heart to her.
Oh, I know what it is to give my heart to one who will
have none of it!
MERYLL [aside] Aye, she knows all about that.
[Aloud] And why is my boy to take heed of her? She's
a good girl, Dame Carruthers.
DAME Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl.
She's a married woman.
MERYLL A married woman! Tush, old lady— she's promised to
Jack Point, the Lieutenant's new jester.
DAME Tush in thy teeth, old man! As my niece Kate sat by
her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept
she moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that
way— and, "How shall I marry one I have never seen?"
quoth she— then, "An hundred crowns!" quoth she—
then,"Is it certain he will die in an hour?" quoth
she— then, "I love him not, and yet I am his wife,"
quoth she! Is it not so, Kate?
KATE Aye, aunt, 'tis even so.
FAIRFAX Art thou sure of all this?
KATE Aye, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets.
DAME Now, mark my words: it was of this Fairfax she spake,
and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle!
MERYLL [aside] Is it true, sir?
FAIRFAX [aside to MERYLL] True? Why, the girl was raving!
[Aloud] Why should she marry a man who had but an hour
to live?
DAME Marry? There be those who would marry but for a
minute, rather than die old maids.
MERYLL [aside] Aye, I know one of them!
No. 17. Strange adventure!
(QUARTET)
Kate, Dame, Carruthers, Fairfax and Sergeant Meryll
ALL Strange adventure! Maiden wedded
To a groom she's never seen—
Never, never, never seen!
Groom about to be beheaded,
In an hour on Tower Green!
Tower, Tower, Tower Green!
Groom in dreary dungeon lying,
Groom as good as dead, or dying,
For a pretty maiden sighing—
Pretty maid of seventeen!
Seven— seven— seventeen!
Strange adventure that we're trolling:
Modest maid and gallant groom—
Gallant, gallant, gallant groom!—
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom!
Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom!
Modest maiden will not tarry;
Though but sixteen year she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb—
Tower— Tower— Tower tomb!
Tower tomb! Tower tomb!
Though the altar be a tomb!
Tower, Tower, Tower tomb!
[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE.
FAIRFAX So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome
Elsie! By my hand, 'tis no such ill plunge in
Fortune's lucky bag! I might have fared worse with my
eyes open! But she comes. Now to test her principles.
'Tis not every husband who has a chance of wooing his
own wife!
[Enter ELSIE
FAIRFAX Mistress Elsie!
ELSIE Master Leonard!
FAIRFAX So thou leavest us to-night?
ELSIE Yes. Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and I
almost fear I am loth to go.
FAIRFAX And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped?
ELSIE Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a
young and gallant gentleman should die in the very
fullness of his life.
FAIRFAX Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy
at his safety?
ELSIE It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard,
and I am but a girl, and so, when I an highly wrought,
I faint.
FAIRFAX Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous
jealousy?
ELSIE Thou? And of whom?
FAIRFAX Why, of this Fairfax, surely!
ELSIE Of Colonel Fairfax?
FAIRFAX Aye. Shall I be frank with thee? Elsie— I love thee,
ardently, passionately! [ELSIE alarmed and surprised]
Elsie, I have loved thee these two days— which is a
long time— and I would fain join my life to thine!
ELSIE Master Leonard! Thou art jesting!
FAIRFAX Jesting? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest! I love
thee with a love that is a fever— with a love that is
a frenzy— with a love that eateth up my heart! What
sayest thou? Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up?
ELSIE [aside] Oh, mercy! What am I to say?
FAIRFAX Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these
two days?
ELSIE I love all brave men.
FAIRFAX Nay, there is love in excess. I thank heaven there are
many brave men in England; but if thou lovest them
all, I withdraw my thanks.
ELSIE I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen—
I am not free— I— I am a wife!
FAIRFAX Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are
numbered—nay, his grave is dug and his epitaph set up!
Come, his name?
ELSIE Oh, sir! keep my secret— it is the only barrier that
Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other
than Colonel Fairfax!
FAIRFAX The greatest villain unhung! The most ill-favoured,
ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered
dog in Christendom!
ELSIE It is very like. He is naught to me— for I never saw
him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within
the hour; and he did not die— and I am wedded to him,
and my heart is broken!
FAIRFAX He was to have died, and he did not die? The
scoundrel! The perjured, traitorous villain! Thou
shouldst have insisted on his dying first, to make
sure. 'Tis the only way with these Fairfaxes.
ELSIE I now wish I had!
FAIRFAX [aside] Bloodthirsty little maiden!
[Aloud] A fig for this Fairfax! Be mine— he will never
know— he dares not show himself; and if he dare, what
art thou to him? Fly with me, Elsie— we will be
married tomorrow, and thou shalt be the happiest wife
in England!
ELSIE Master Leonard! I am amazed! Is it thus that brave
soldiers speak to poor girls? Oh! for shame, for
shame! I am wed— not the less because I love not my
husband. I am a wife, sir, and I have a duty, and— oh,
sir!— thy words terrify me— they are not honest— they
are wicked words, and unworthy thy great and brave
heart! Oh,shame upon thee! shame upon thee!
FAIRFAX Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee—
[Shot heard
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL hastily
No. 18. Hark! What was that, sir?
(SCENE)
Elsie, Phoebe, Dame Carruthers, Fairfax. Wilfred, Point,
Lieutenant, Sergeant
MERYLL Hark! What was that, sir?
FAIRFAX Why, an arquebus—
Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake.
MERYLL Strange— and at such an hour! What can it mean!
[Enter CHORUS excitedly
CHORUS Now what can that have been—
A shot so late at night,
Enough to cause a fright!
What can the portent mean?
Are foemen in the land?
Is London to be wrecked?
What are we to expect?
What danger is at hand?
Let us understand
What danger is at hand!
[LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED
LIEUT. Who fired that shot? At once the truth declare?
WILFRED My lord, 'twas I— to rashly judge forebear!
POINT My lord, 'twas he— to rashly judge forebear!
WILFRED Like a ghost his vigil keeping—
POINT Or a spectre all-appalling—
WILFRED I beheld a figure creeping—
POINT I should rather call it crawling—
WILFRED He was creeping—
POINT He was crawling—
WILFRED He was creeping, creeping—
POINT Crawling!
WILFRED He was creeping—
POINT He was crawling—
WILFRED He was creeping, creeping—
POINT Crawling!
WILFRED Not a moment's hesitation—
I myself upon him flung,
With a hurried exclamation
To his draperies I hung;
Then we closed with one another
In a rough-and-tumble smother;
Col'nel Fairfax and no other
Was the man to whom I clung!
ALL Col'nel Fairfax and no other,
Was the man to whom he clung!
WILFRED After mighty tug and tussle—
POINT It resembled more a struggle—
WILFRED He, by dint of stronger muscle—
POINT Or by some infernal juggle—
WILFRED From my clutches quickly sliding—
POINT I should rather call it slipping—
WILFRED With a view, no doubt, of hiding—
POINT Or escaping to the shipping—
WILFRED With a gasp, and with a quiver—
POINT I'd describe it as a shiver—
WILFRED Down he dived into the river,
And, alas, I cannot swim.
ALL It's enough to make one shiver,
With a gasp, and with a quiver,
Down he dived into the river;
It was very brave of him!
WILFRED Ingenuity is catching;
With the view my King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry snatching—
POINT I should rather call it seizing—
WILFRED With an ounce or two of lead
I dispatched him through the head!
ALL With an ounce or two of lead
He dispatched him through the head!
WILFRED I discharged it without winking,
Little time I lost in thinking,
Like a stone I saw him sinking—
POINT I should say a lump of lead.
ALL He discharged it without winking,
Little time he lost in thinking.
WILFRED Like a stone I saw him sinking—
POINT I should say a lump of lead.
WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said—
POINT Like a heavy lump of lead.
WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said—
POINT Like a heavy lump of lead.
WILFRED Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!
ALL Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his King of pleasing,
Wilfred shot him through the head,
And he's very, very dead!
And it matters very little
Whether stone or lump of lead,
It is very, very certain that
he's very, very dead!
LIEUT. The river must be dragged— no time be lost;
The body must be found, at any cost.
To this attend without undue delay;
So set to work with what dispatch ye may!
[Exit LIEUTENANT
ALL Yes, yes,
We'll set to work with what dispatch we may!
[Men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their shoulders.
ALL Hail the valiant fellow who
Did this deed of derring-do!
Honours wait on such an one;
By my head, 'twas bravely done,
'twas bravely done!
Now, by my head, 'twas bravely done!
[Exeunt all but ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHOEBE.
POINT [to ELSIE, who is weeping] Nay, sweetheart, be
comforted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow,
and, as he had to die, he might as well die thus as
any other way. 'Twas a good death.
ELSIE Still, he was my husband, and had he not been, he was
nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead; and so,
by your leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master
Point.
FAIRFAX And thou didst see all this?
POINT Aye, with both eyes at once— this and that. The
testimony of one eye is naught— he may lie. But when
it is corroborated by the other, it is good evidence
that none may gainsay. Here are both present in court,
ready to swear to him!
PHOEBE But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax? Saw you his
face?
POINT Aye, and a plaguey ill-favoured face too. A very hang-
dog face— a felon face— a face to fright the headsman
himself, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguey, bad
face, take my word for it. [PHOEBE and FAIRFAX laugh]
How they laugh! "Tis ever thus with simple folk— an
accepted wit has but to say "Pass the mustard," and
they roar their ribs out!
FAIRFAX [aside] If ever I come to life again, thou shalt pay
for this, Master Point!
POINT Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold
me: I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit.
I can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack
you, riddle you—
FAIRFAX Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to be
done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries;
with quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an
art in itself, and must be studied gravely and
conscientiously.
No. 19. A man who would woo a fair maid
(TRIO)
Elsie, Phoebe, and Fairfax
FAIRFAX A man who would woo a fair maid,
Should 'prentice himself to the trade;
And study all day,
In methodical way,
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
He should 'prentice himself at fourteen,
And practise from morning to e'en;
And when he's of age,
If he will, I'll engage,
He may capture the heart of a queen,
the heart of a queen!
ALL It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will.
But every Jack
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
ELSIE If he's made the best use of his time,
His twig he'll so carefully lime
That every bird
Will come down at his word,
Whatever its plumage and clime.
He must learn that the thrill of a touch
May mean little, or nothing, or much;
It's an instrument rare,
To be handled with care,
And ought to be treated as such,
Ought to be treated as such.
ALL It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
PHOEBE Then a glance may be timid or free;
It will vary in mighty degree,
From an impudent stare
To a look of despair
That no maid without pity can see!
And a glance of despair is no guide—
It may have its ridiculous side;
It may draw you a tear
Or a box on the ear;
You can never be sure till you've tried!
Never be sure till you've tried!
ALL It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill,
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
But every Jack,
He must study the knack,
But every Jack,
Must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
Yes, every Jack,
Must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
FAIRFAX [aside to POINT] Now, listen to me— 'tis done thus—
[aloud] Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou
knowest, loves thee right well!
POINT [aside] That he does— right well!
FAIRFAX He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving,
honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to
thee, and if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie
curled up in his heart, like a little squirrel in its
nest!
POINT [aside] 'Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies
closer, but a squirrel will do.
FAIRFAX He knoweth that thou wast a wife— an unloved and
unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to
breaking. But now that thine unloving husband is dead,
and thou art free, he would fain pray that thou
wouldst hearken unto him, and give him hope that thou
wouldst one day be his!
PHOEBE [alarmed] He presses her hands— and whispers in her
ear! Ods bodikins, what does it mean?
FAIRFAX Now, sweetheart, tell me— wilt thou be this poor
goodfellow's wife?
ELSIE If the good, brave man— is he a brave man?
FAIRFAX So men say.
POINT [aside] That's not true, but let it pass.
ELSIE If the brave man will be content with a poor,
penniless, untaught maid—
POINT [aside] Widow— but let that pass.
ELSIE I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my
heart of hearts!
FAIRFAX My own dear love! [Embracing her]
PHOEBE [in great agitation] Why, what's all this? Brother—
brother— it is not seemly!
POINT [also alarmed, aside] Oh, I can't let that pass!
[Aloud] Hold, enough, Master Leonard! An advocate
should have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying
thyself!
FAIRFAX Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would
show thee how to woo, and herein lies the proof of the
virtue of my teaching. Go thou, and apply it
elsewhere! [PHOEBE bursts into tears]
No. 20. When a wooer goes a-wooing
(QUARTET)
Elsie, Phoebe, Fairfax, and Point
ELSIE When a wooer Goes a-wooing,
Naught is truer Than his joy.
FAIRFAX Maiden hushing All his suing—
Boldly blushing, bravely coy!
Bravely coy! Boldly blushing—
ELSIE Boldly blushing, bravely coy!
ALL Oh, the happy days of doing!
Oh, the sighing and the suing!
When a wooer goes a-wooing,
Oh the sweets that never cloy!
PHOEBE [weeping] When a brother leaves his sister
For another, sister weeps,
Tears that trickle,
Tears that blister—
'Tis but mickle Sister reaps!
ALL Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a brother goes a-wooing,
And a sobbing sister weeps!
POINT When a jester Is outwitted,
Feelings fester, Heart is lead!
Food for fishes Only fitted,
Jester wishes He was dead!
Food for fishes Only fitted,
Jester wishes He was dead!
ALL Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead!
Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead,
And he wishes he was dead!
[Exeunt all but PHOEBE, who remains weeping.
PHOEBE And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his
secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving
sister, and done everything I could think of to make
folk believe I was his loving sister, and this is his
gratitude! Before I pretend to be sister to anybody
again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to everybody— one
as much as another!
[Enter WILFRED
WILFRED In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for
now?
PHOEBE Why am I grizzling? Thou hast often wept for jealousy—
well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Aye, yellow,
bilious, jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that,
Master Wilfred.
WILFRED But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The
Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest
gossips!
PHOEBE Jealous of thee! Bah! I'm jealous of no craven cock-
on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared!
I am jealous of another and a better man than thou—
set that down, Master Wilfred. And he is to marry
Elsie Maynard, the pale little fool— set that down
Master Wilfred— and my heart is wellnigh broken!
There, thou hast it all! Make the most of it!
WILFRED The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why,
that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll!
PHOEBE [aside] Oh, mercy! what have I said?
WILFRED Why, what matter of brother is this, thou lying little
jade? Speak! Who is this man whom thou hast called
brother, and fondled, and coddled, and kissed!— with
my connivance, too! Oh Lord! with my connivance! Ha!
should it be this Fairfax! [PHOEBE starts] It is! It
is this accursed Fairfax! It's Fairfax! Fairfax, who—
PHOEBE Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who
lies at the bottom of the river!
WILFRED A— I— I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible
mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure— I'll make
sure. [Going]
PHOEBE Stay— one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax— mind, I
say I think— because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But
whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry
Elsie— and— and— as thou hast shot him through the
head, and he is dead, be content with that, and I will
be thy wife!
WILFRED Is that sure?
PHOEBE Aye, sure enough, for there's no help for it! Thou art
a very brute— but even brutes must marry, I suppose.
WILFRED My beloved. [Embraces her]
PHOEBE [aside] Ugh!
[Enter LEONARD MERYLL, hastily
LEONARD Phoebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel
Fairfax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it
was foully and maliciously kept back by Secretary
Poltwhistle, who designed that it should arrive after
the Colonel's death. It hath just come to hand, and it
is now in the Lieutenant's possession!
PHOEBE Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my
dear! Kiss me, again, and again!
WILFRED [dancing with fury] Ods bobs, death o' my life! Art
thou mad? Am I mad? Are we all mad?
PHOEBE Oh, my dear— my dear, I'm well nigh crazed with joy!
[Kissing LEONARD]
WILFRED Come away from him, thou hussy— thou jade— thou
kissing, clinging cockatrice! And as for thee, sir,
devil take thee, I'll rip thee like a herring for
this! I'll skin thee for it! I'll cleave thee to the
chine! I'll— oh! Phoebe! Phoebe! Who is this man?
PHOEBE Peace, fool. He is my brother!
WILFRED Another brother! Are there any more of them? Produce
them all at once, and let me know the worst!
PHOEBE This is the real Leonard, dolt; the other was but his
substitute. The real Leonard, I say— my father's own
son.
WILFRED How do I know this? Has he "brother" writ large on his
brow? I mistrust thy brothers! Thou art but a false
jade!
[Exit LEONARD.
PHOEBE Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee
before— but it was to save a precious life— and to
save it, not for me, but for another. They are to be
wed this very day. Is not this enough for thee? Come—
I am thy Phoebe— thy very own— and we will be wed in
a year— or two— or three, at the most. Is not that
enough for thee?
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME
CARRUTHERS, who listens, unobserved.
MERYLL Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news?
PHOEBE [still in WILFRED's arms] Aye, father.
MERYLL I'm nigh mad with joy! [Seeing WILFRED] Why, what's
all this?
PHOEBE Oh, father, he discovered our secret thorough my
folly, and the price of his silence is—
WILFRED Phoebe's heart.
PHOEBE Oh, dear, no— Phoebe's hand.
WILFRED It's the same thing!
PHOEBE Is it?
[Exeunt WILFRED and PHOEBE.
MERYLL [looking after them] "Tis pity, but the Colonel had to
be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our
secret, thy folly must e'en suffer for it!
[DAME CARRUTHERS comes down] Dame Carruthers!
DAME So this is a plot to shield this arch-fiend, and I
have detected it. A word from me, and three heads
besides his would roll from their shoulders!
MERYLL Nay, Colonel Fairfax is reprieved.
[Aside] Yet, if my complicity in his escape were
known! Plague on the old meddler! There's nothing for
it—
[aloud]— Hush, pretty one! Such bloodthirsty words ill
become those cherry lips!
[Aside] Ugh!
DAME [bashfully] Sergeant Meryll!
MERYLL Why, look ye, chuck— for many a month I've— I've
thought to myself— "There's snug love saving up in
that middle-aged bosom for some one, and why not for
thee— that's me— so take heart and tell her— that's
thee— that thou— that's me— lovest her— thee— and—
and— well,I'm a miserable old man, and I've done it—
and that's me!" But not a word about Fairfax! The
price of thy silence is—
DAME Meryll's heart?
MERYLL No, Meryll's hand.
DAME It's the same thing!
MERYLL Is it?
No. 21. Rapture, rapture
(DUET)
Dame Carruthers and Sergeant Meryll
DAME Rapture, rapture
When love's votary,
Flushed with capture,
Seeks the notary,
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!
MERYLL Doleful, doleful!
When humanity
With its soul full
Of satanity,
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!
DAME Joyful, joyful!
When virginity
Seeks, all coyful,
Man's affinity;
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!
MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly!
When man, sorrowful,
Firstly, lastly,
Of to-morrow full,
After tarrying,
Yields to harrying—
Goes a-marrying.
Ghastly, ghastly!
DAME Joyful, joyful!
MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly!
DAME Joyful, joyful!
MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly!
DAME MERYLL
Joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly!
Joyful, joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly,ghastly!
Rapture, rapture Doleful, doleful!
When love's votary, When humanity
Flushed with capture, With its soul full
Seeks the notary, Of satanity,
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Rapture, rapture, Doleful, doleful,
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
[Exeunt DAME and SERGEANT MERYLL.
No. 22. Comes the pretty young bride
(FINALE OF ACT II)
Ensemble
[Enter YEOMEN and WOMEN
WOMEN Comes the pretty young bride,
a-blushing, timidly shrinking—
Set all thy fears aside—
cheerily, pretty young bride!
Brave is the youth to whom thy lot
thou art willingly linking!
Flower of valour he—
loving as loving can be!
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Fair as the dawn, as the dawn of the day;
Take him, be true to him—
Tender his due to him—
Honour him, honour him, love and obey!
[Enter DAME, PHOEBE, and ELSIE as Bride
PHOEBE, ELSIE
& DAME 'Tis said that joy in full perfection
Comes only once to womankind—
That, other times, on close inspection,
Some lurking bitter we shall find.
If this be so, and men say truly,
My day of joy has broken duly
With happiness my/her soul is cloyed—
With happiness is cloyed—
With happiness my/her soul is cloyed—
This is my/her joy-day
unalloyed, unalloyed,
This is my/her joy-day unalloyed!
ALL Yes, yes, with happiness her soul is cloyed!
This is her joy-day unalloyed!
[Flourish. Enter LIEUTENANT
LIEUT. Hold, pretty one! I bring to thee
News— good or ill, it is for thee to say.
Thy husband lives— and he is free,
And comes to claim his bride this very day!
ELSIE No! No! recall those words— it cannot be!
[all four blocks below sung at once]
KATE and CHORUS DAME CARRUTHERS and PHOEBE
Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror!
Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror!
Day of terror! The man to whom thou art
Day of tears! allied
Day of terror! Appears to claim thee
Day of tears! as his bride.
Who is the man who, The man to whom thou art
In his pride, allied
Claims thee as his bride? And claim me as his bride.
Day of terror! Day of terror!
Day of tears! Day of tears!
LIEUT., MERYLL, and WILFRED ELSIE
Come, dry these unbecoming tears,
Most joyful tidings greet
thine ears,
Come, dry these unbecoming tears, Oh, Leonard,
Most joyful tidings greet Oh,Leonard,
thine ears, Come thou to my side,
The man to whom thou art allied And claim me as
Appears to claim thee thy loving bride!
as his bride. Day of terror!
The man to whom thou art allied Day of tears!
Appears to claim thee
as his bride.
[Flourish. Enter COLONEL FAIRFAX, handsomely dressed,and
attended by other Gentlemen
FAIRFAX [sternly] All thought of Leonard
Meryll set aside.
Thou art mine own! I claim thee as my bride.
ALL Thou art his own!
Alas! he claims thee as his bride.
ELSIE A suppliant at thy feet I fall;
Thine heart will yield to pity's call!
FAIRFAX Mine is a heart of massive rock,
Unmoved by sentimental shock!
ALL Thy husband he!
ELSIE [aside] Leonard, my loved one— come to me.
They bear me hence away!
But though they take me far from thee,
My heart is thine for aye!
My bruised heart,
My broken heart,
Is thine, my own, for aye!
Is thine, is thine, my own,
Is thine, for aye!
ELSIE [To FAIRFAX] Sir, I obey!
I am thy bride;
But ere the fatal hour
I said the say
That placed me in thy pow'r
Would I had died!
Sir, I obey!
I am thy bride!
[Looks up and recognizes FAIRFAX
Leonard!
FAIRFAX My own!
ELSIE Ah! [Embrace]
ELSIE &
FAIRFAX With happiness my soul is cloyed,
This is our joy-day unalloyed!
ALL Yes, yes!
With happiness their souls are cloyed,
This is their joy-day unalloyed!
With happiness their souls are cloyed,
This is their joy-day unalloyed,
Their joy-day unalloyed, unalloyed!
[Enter JACK POINT
POINT Oh, thoughtless crew!
Ye know not what ye do!
Attend to me, and shed a tear or two—
For I have a song to sing, O!
ALL Sing me your song, O!
POINT It is sung to the moon
By a love-lorn loon,
Who fled from the mocking throng, O!
It's a song of a merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye.
ALL Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me—lack-a-day-dee!
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
ELSIE I have a song to sing, O!
ALL What is your song, O!
ELSIE It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, O!
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud,
[optional— nestling near,]
Who loved her lord, and who laughed aloud
[optional— but dropped a tear]
At the moan of the merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
ALL Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me—lack-a-day-dee!
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me—lack-a-day-dee!
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
Heighdy! heighdy!
Heighdy! heighdy!
Heighdy! heighdy!
[FAIRFAX embraces ELSIE as POINT falls insensible at their
feet.
CURTAIN
PATIENCE
or
Bunthorne's Bride
Book by
W.S. GILBERT
Music by
ARTHUR SULLIVAN
First produced at the Opera Comique, London,
on April 23, 1881.
PATIENCE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Officers of Dragoon Guards
COLONEL CALVERLEY Baritone
MAJOR MURGATROYD Baritone
LIEUT. THE DUKE OF DUNSTABLE Tenor
REGINALD BUNTHORNE (A Fleshly Poet) Light Baritone
ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR (An Idyllic Poet) Baritone
MR. BUNTHORNE'S SOLICITOR Non-singing
Rapturous Maidens
THE LADY ANGELA Mezzo-Soprano
THE LADY SAPHIR Mezzo-Soprano
THE LADY ELLA Soprano
THE LADY JANE Contralto
PATIENCE (A Dairy Maid) Soprano
Chorus of Rapturous MAIDENS and Officers of DRAGOON GUARDS
ACT I—Exterior of Castle Bunthorne
ACT II—A Glade
ACT I
[Scene: Exterior of Castle Bunthorne, the gateway to which is
seen, R.U.E., and is approached by a drawbridge over a moat.
A rocky eminence R. with steps down to the stage. In front
of it, a rustic bench, on which ANGELA is seated, with ELLA
on her left. Young Ladies wearing aesthetic draperies are
grouped about the stage from R. to L.C., SAPHIR being near
the L. end of the group. The Ladies play on lutes, etc., as
they sing, and all are in the last stage of despair.]
No. 1. Twenty love-sick maidens we
(Opening Chorus and Solos)
Maidens, Angela, and Ella
MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
And we die for love of thee!
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
ANGELA Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die;
MAIDENS Ah, miserie!
ANGELA Yet my love lives, although no hope have I!
MAIDENS Ah, miserie!
ANGELA Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away,
To weeping concords tune thy roundelay!
Ah, miserie!
MAIDENS All our love is all for one,
Yet that love he heedeth not,
He is coy and cares for none,
Sad and sorry is our lot!
Ah, miserie!
ELLA Go, breaking heart,
Go, dream of love requited!
Go, foolish heart,
Go, dream of lovers plighted;
Go, madcap heart,
Go, dream of never waking;
And in thy dream
Forget that thou art breaking!
MAIDENS Ah, miserie!
ELLA Forget that thou art breaking!
MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still.
Ah, miserie!
ANGELA There is a strange magic in this love of ours! Rivals as
we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very
hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another!
SAPHIR Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very
cynosure of our eyes and hearts, remains icy insensible — what
have we to strive for?
ELLA The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the
taxes!
SAPHIR Would that it were! He pays his taxes.
ANGELA And cherishes the receipts!
[Enter LADY JANE, L.U.E.]
SAPHIR Happy receipts! [All sigh heavily]
JANE [L.C., suddenly] Fools! [They start, and turn to her]
ANGELA I beg your pardon?
JANE Fools and blind! The man loves — wildly loves!
ANGELA But whom? None of us!
JANE No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the
nonce, on Patience, the village milkmaid!
SAPHIR On Patience? Oh, it cannot be!
JANE Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy, eating fresh
butter with a tablespoon. Today he is not well!
SAPHIR But Patience boasts that she has never loved — that love
is, to her, a sealed book! Oh, he cannot be serious!
JANE `Tis but a fleeting fancy — `twill quickly wear away.
[aside, coming down-stage] Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a
wealth of golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this
rugged old bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short
indeed!
[PATIENCE appears on an eminence, R. She looks down with pity on
the despondent Ladies.]
No. 2. Still brooding on their mad infatuation!
(Recitative)
Patience, Saphir, Angela, and Maidens
PATIENCE Still brooding on their mad infatuation!
I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me!
Far happier I, free from thy ministration,
Than dukes or duchesses who love can be!
SAPHIR [looking up] `Tis Patience — happy girl! Loved by a
poet!
PATIENCE Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you! [Going]
ANGELA Nay, pretty child, come hither. [PATIENCE descends.] Is
it true that you have never loved?
PATIENCE Most true indeed.
SOPRANOS Most marvelous!
ALTOS And most deplorable!
I cannot tell what this love may be
(Solo)
Patience
PATIENCE I cannot tell what this love may be
[L.C.] That cometh to all but not to me.
It cannot be kind as they'd imply,
Or why do these ladies sigh?
It cannot be joy and rapture deep,
Or why do these gentle ladies weep?
It cannot be blissful as `tis said,
Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?
Though ev'rywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be!
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day.
PATIENCE ALL
For I am blithe and I am gay, Yes, she is blithe and she is
gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and
them and me, she is gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt them, Yes, she is blithe and
and me, and she is gay,
Fal lal la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la,
and miserie! Ah, miserie!
[She dances across R. and back to R.C.]
PATIENCE If love is a thorn, they show no wit
Who foolishly hug and foster it.
If love is a weed, how simple they
Who gather it, day by day!
If love is a nettle that makes you smart,
Then why do you wear it next your heart?
And if it be none of these, say I,
Ah, why do you sit and sob and sigh?
Though ev'rywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be!
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day.
PATIENCE ALL
For I am blithe and I Yes, she is blithe and she is
am gay, gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and she is
them and me, gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and she is
them and me, gay,
Fal lal la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la,
and miserie! Ah, miserie!
ANGELA Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never
known true happiness! [All sigh.]
PATIENCE [C.] But the truly happy always seem to have so much on
their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well.
JANE [coming L.C.] There is a transcendentality of delirium —
an acute accentuation of supremest ecstasy — which the earthy
might easily mistake for indigestion. But it is not indigestion
— it is aesthetic transfiguration! [to the others.] Enough of
babble. Come!
PATIENCE [stopping her as she turns to go up C.] But stay, I
have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon Guards have halted in
the village, and are even now on their way to this very spot.
ANGELA The 35th Dragoon Guards!
SAPHIR They are fleshly men, of full habit!
ELLA We care nothing for Dragoon Guards!
PATIENCE But, bless me, you were all engaged to them a year ago!
SAPHIR A year ago!
ANGELA My poor child, you don't understand these things. A year
ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our tastes
have been etherealized, our perceptions exalted. [to the others]
Come, it is time to lift up our voices in morning carol to our
Reginald. Let us to his door!
[ANGELA leading, the Ladies go off, two and two, Jane last, over
the drawbridge into the castle, singing refrain of "Twenty
love-sick maidens", and, as before, accompanying themselves
on harps, etc.]
No. 2a. Twenty love-sick maidens we
(Chorus)
Maidens
MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Ah, miserie!
[PATIENCE watches them in surprise, and, with a gesture of
complete bafflement, climbs the rock and goes off the way
she entered.]
[The officers of the DRAGOON GUARDS enter, R., led by the MAJOR.
They form their line across the front of the stage.]
No. 3. The soldiers of our Queen
(Chorus and Solo)
Dragoons and Colonel
DRAGOONS The soldiers of our Queen
Are linked in friendly tether;
Upon the battle scene
They fight the foe together.
There ev'ry mother's son
Prepared to fight and fall is;
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is!
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is!
[On an order from the MAJOR they fall back.]
[Enter the COLONEL. All salute.]
COLONEL If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
[C.] Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,
DRAGOONS [saluting] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
COLONEL Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle them off to a popular tune.
DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
COLONEL The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory—
Genius of Bismarck devising a plan—
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)—
Coolness of Paget about to trepan—
The science of Jullien, the eminent musico—
Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne—
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault—
Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man—
The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery—
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray—
Victor Emmanuel — peak-haunting Peveril—
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell—
Tupper and Tennyson — Daniel Defoe—
Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! Ah!
DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
COLONEL DRAGOONS
Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon,
that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon,
Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon,
pipkin or crucible— a Heavy Dragoon,
Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon,
and take off the scum, a Heavy Dragoon,
And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!
is the residuum!
COLONEL If you want a receipt for this soldier-like paragon,
Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)—
The family pride of a Spaniard from Aragon—
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban—
A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky—
Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan—
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky—
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan—
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal—
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal—
Flavour of Hamlet — the Stranger, a touch of him—
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)—
Beadle of Burlington — Richardson's show—
Mister Micawber and Madame Tussaud! Ah!
DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
COLONEL DRAGOONS
Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon,
that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon,
Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon,
pipkin or crucible— a Heavy Dragoon,
Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon,
and take off the scum, a Heavy Dragoon,
And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!
is the residuum!
COLONEL Well, here we are once more on the scene of our former
triumphs. But where's the Duke?
[Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirits.]
DUKE Here I am! [Sighs.]
COLONEL Come, cheer up, don't give way!
DUKE Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be
expected to be who has the misfortune to be a Duke, with a
thousand a day!
MAJOR Humph! Most men would envy you!
DUKE Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee?
MAJOR Very!
COLONEL We are all fond of toffee.
ALL We are!
DUKE Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But to
live on toffee — toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee
for tea — to have it supposed that you care for nothing but
toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything
but toffee were offered to you — how would you like that?
COLONEL I can quite believe that, under those circumstances,
even toffee would become monotonous.
DUKE For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject
deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to
think that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees!
Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me? Am I particularly
intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly witty, or
unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous?
COLONEL You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I saw.
ALL You are!
DUKE Exactly! That's it exactly! That describes me to a T!
Thank you all very much! [Shakes hands with the Colonel] Well,
I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this second-class
cavalry regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be
occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who knows? The
thought was rapture, and here I am.
COLONEL [looking off] Yes, and here are the ladies!
DUKE But who is the gentleman with the long hair?
COLONEL I don't know.
DUKE He seems popular!
COLONEL He does seem popular!
[The DRAGOONS back up R., watching the entrance of the Ladies.
BUNTHORNE enters, L.U.E., followed by the Ladies, two and
two, playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem,
and is quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across the
stage, followed by the Ladies, who take no notice of the
DRAGOONS — to the surprise and indignation of those
officers.]
[Bunthorne, the Ladies following, comes slowly down L. and then
crosses the stage to R.]
No. 4. In a doleful train
(Chorus and Solos)
Maidens, Ella, Angela, Saphir, Dragoons, and Bunthorne
MAIDENS In a doleful train
Two and two we walk all day—
For we love in vain!
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!
Woe is me, alackaday!
DRAGOONS Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this
preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity — explain it if you
can.
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this melancholy literary man.
Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us, flirting with a fan;
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us,
jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us,
jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!
[Bunthorne, C.]
ANGELA [R. of BUNTHORNE] Mystic poet, hear our prayer,
Twenty love-sick maidens we—
Young and wealthy, dark and fair,
All of county family.
And we die for love of thee—
Twenty love-sick maidens we!
MAIDENS Yes, we die for love of thee—
Twenty love-sick maidens we!
BUNTHORNE [crossing to L.] Though my book I seem to scan
In a rapt ecstatic way,
Like a literary man
Who despises female clay,
I hear plainly all they say,
Twenty love-sick maidens they!
[BUNTHORNE crosses to C.]
DRAGOONS [to each other] He hears plainly all they say,
Twenty love-sick maidens they!
SAPHIR [L. of BUNTHORNE] Though so excellently wise,
For a moment mortal be,
Deign to raise thy purple eyes
From thy heart-drawn poesy.
Twenty lovesick maidens see—
Each is kneeling on her knee!
[All kneel.]
MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens see—
Each is kneeling on her knee!
BUNTHORNE [going R.] Though, as I remarked before,
Any one convinced would be
That some transcendental lore
Is monopolizing me,
Round the corner I can see
Each is kneeling on her knee!
DRAGOONS Round the corner he can see
Each is kneeling on her knee!
Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity — ridiculous!
preposterous!
Explain it if you can.
MAIDENS DRAGOONS
In a doleful train Now is not this ridiculous,
Two and two we walk all day, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity—
None so sorrowful as they explain it if you can.
For we love in vain! Instead of rushing eagerly
None so sorrowful as they to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this
melancholy literary man.
Who can only sigh and say, Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us,
Flirting with a fan;
Woe is me, alackaday! They're actually sneering at us,
fleering at us, jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for
a military man!
Woe is me, alackaday! They're actually sneering at us,
fleering at us, jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for
a military man!
Twenty love-sick maidens we, Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
They all prefer this melancholy
literary man.
And we die for love of thee! Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
They all prefer this melancholy,
Yes, we die for love of thee! melancholy literary man.
Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
COLONEL [R.C.] Angela! what is the meaning of this?
ANGELA [C.] Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are but ill-tuned to
light love-talk.
MAJOR [L.C.] But what in the world has come over you all?
JANE [L.C.] Bunthorne! He has come over us. He has come among
us, and he has idealized us.
DUKE Has he succeeded in idealizing you?
JANE He has!
DUKE Good old Bunthorne!
JANE My eyes are open; I droop despairingly; I am soulfully
intense; I am limp and I cling!
[During this BUNTHORNE is seen in all the agonies of composition.
The Ladies are watching him intently as he writhes. At last
he hits on the word he wants and writes it down. A general
sense of relief.]
BUN. Finished! At last! Finished!
[He staggers, overcome with the mental strain, into the arms of
the COLONEL.]
COLONEL Are you better now?
BUN. Yes — oh, it's you! — I am better now. The poem is
finished, and my soul has gone out into it. That was all. It
was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day.
[Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.]
Ah, Patience! Dear Patience!
[Holds her hand; she seems frightened.]
ANGELA Will it please you read it to us, sir?
SAPHIR This we supplicate. [All kneel.]
BUN. Shall I?
DRAGOONS No!
BUN. [annoyed — to PATIENCE] I will read it if you bid me!
PATIENCE [much frightened] You can if you like!
BUN. It is a wild, weird, fleshy thing; yet very tender, very
yearning, very precious. It is called, "Oh, Hollow! Hollow!
Hollow!"
PATIENCE Is it a hunting song?
BUN. A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is the
wail of the poet's heart on discovering that everything is
commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one another
and think of faint lilies.
[They do so as he recites]
"OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!"
What time the poet hath hymned
The writhing maid, lithe-limbed,
Quivering on amaranthine asphodel,
How can he paint her woes,
Knowing, as well he knows,
That all can be set right with calomel?
When from the poet's plinth
The amorous colocynth
Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills,
How can he hymn their throes
Knowing, as well he knows,
That they are only uncompounded pills?
Is it, and can it be,
Nature hath this decree,
Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell?
Or that in all her works
Something poetic lurks,
Even in colocynth and calomel?
I cannot tell.
[He goes off, L.U.E. All turn and watch him, not speaking until
he has gone.]
ANGELA How purely fragrant!
SAPHIR How earnestly precious!
PATIENCE Well, it seems to me to be nonsense.
SAPHIR Nonsense, yes, perhaps — but oh, what precious nonsense!
COLONEL This is all very well, but you seem to forget that you
are engaged to us.
SAPHIR It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are not
Della Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be Early
English ere it is too late!
[Officers look at each other in astonishment.]
JANE [looking at uniform] Red and Yellow! Primary colors! Oh,
South Kensington!
DUKE We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how they
could be improved!
JANE No, you wouldn't. Still, there is a cobwebby grey velvet,
with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made Florentine
fourteenth century, trimmed with Venetian leather and Spanish
altar lace, and surmounted with something Japanese — it matters
not what — would at least be Early English! Come, maidens.
[Exeunt Maidens, L.U.E., two and two, singing refrain of "Twenty
love-sick maidens we". PATIENCE goes off L. The Officers
watch the Ladies go off in astonishment.]
No. 4a. Twenty love-sick maidens we
(Chorus)
Maidens
[As the MAIDENS depart, the DRAGOONS spread across the stage.]
MAIDENS Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Ah, miserie!
DUKE Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform.
COLONEL A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of
Venus as on the field of Mars!
No. 5. When I first put this uniform on
(Solo and Chorus)
Colonel and Dragoons
[The DRAGOONS form their original line.]
Song — COLONEL
When I first put this uniform on,
I said, as I looked in the glass,
"It's one to a million
That any civilian
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I've plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover's professions,
When uttered in Hessians,
Are eloquent ev'rywhere!"
A fact that I counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!
Chorus of DRAGOONS
By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have counted upon,
The same thing occurred to me,
When I first put this uniform on!
COL. I said, when I first put it on,
"It is plain to the veriest dunce,
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to its glamour at once.
They will see that I'm freely gold-laced
In a uniform handsome and chaste"—
But the peripatetics
Of long-haired aesthetics
Are very much more to their taste—
Which I never counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!
CHORUS By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have reckoned upon,
I didn't anticipate that,
When I first put this uniform on!
[The DRAGOONS go off angrily, R.]
[Enter BUNTHORNE, L.U.E., who changes his manner and becomes
intensely melodramatic.]
No. 6. Am I alone and unobserved?
(Recitative and Solo)
Bunthorne
BUN. [Up-stage, he looks off L. and R.]
Am I alone,
And unobserved? I am!
[comes down]
Then let me own
I'm an aesthetic sham!
[and walks tragically to down-stage, C.]
This air severe
Is but a mere
Veneer!
This cynic smile
Is but a wile
Of guile!
This costume chaste
Is but good taste
Misplaced!
Let me confess!
A languid love for Lilies does not blight me!
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me!
I do not care for dirty greens
By any means.
I do not long for all one sees
That's Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes
In stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my mediaevalism's affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration!
[Tiptoes up-stage, looking L. and R., and comes back down, C.]
If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a
man of culture rare,
You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and
plant them ev'rywhere.
You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of
your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a
transcendental kind.
And ev'ry one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
"If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man
must be!"
Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long
since passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne
was Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and
declare it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress
Josephine.
And ev'ryone will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
"If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must
be!"
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite
your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-
too-French French bean!
Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in
the high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your
medieval hand.
And ev'ryone will say,
As you walk your flow'ry way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not
suit me,
Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man
must be!"
[At the end of his song, PATIENCE enters, L. He sees her.]
BUN. Ah! Patience, come hither. [She comes to him timidly.] I
am pleased with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else
hollow, is pleased with thee. For you are not hollow. Are you?
PATIENCE No, thanks, I have dined; but — I beg your pardon — I
interrupt you. [Turns to go; he stops her.]
BUN. Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul,
yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart is
a-weary! Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She attempts to escape.]
Don't go.
PATIENCE Really, I'm very sorry.
BUN. Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn?
PATIENCE I earn my living.
BUN. [impatiently] No, no! Do you know what it is to be heart-
hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for the Indefinable, and
yet to be brought face to face, dally, with the Multiplication
Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans and to find
puddles? That's my case. Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She turns
again.] Don't go.
PATIENCE If you please, I don't understand you — you frighten me!
BUN. Don't be frightened — it's only poetry.
PATIENCE Well, if that's poetry, I don't like poetry.
BUN. [eagerly] Don't you? [aside] Can I trust her? [aloud]
Patience, you don't like poetry — well, between you and me, I
don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial — unsatisfactory.
What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields when you know you
can't get `em, and would only let `em out on building leases if
you had `em?
PATIENCE Sir, I—
BUN. Patience, I have long loved you. Let me tell you a secret.
I am not as bilious as I look. If you like, I will cut my hair.
There is more innocent fun within me than a casual spectator
would imagine. You have never seen me frolicsome. Be a good
girl — a very good girl — and one day you shall. If you are
fond of touch-and-go jocularity — this is the shop for it.
PATIENCE Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am
untaught. I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am quite
certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly love you.
BUN. Oh, you think not?
PATIENCE I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite.
BUN. Very good. Life is henceforth a blank. I don't care what
becomes of me. I have only to ask that you will not abuse my
confidence; though you despise me, I am extremely popular with
the other young ladies.
PATIENCE I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the
subject.
BUN. Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate, I go. [Goes up-
stage, suddenly turns and recites.]
"Oh, to be wafted away,
From this black Aceldama of sorrow,
Where the dust of an earthy to-day
Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow!"
It is a little thing of my own. I call it "Heart Foam". I
shall not publish it. Farewell! Patience, Patience, farewell!
[Exit BUNTHORNE.]
PATIENCE What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love me?
Why does he expect me to love him? [going R.] He's not a
relation! It frightens me!
[Enter ANGELA, L.]
ANGELA Why, Patience, what is the matter?
PATIENCE Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on
earth is this love that upsets everybody; and, secondly, how is
it to be distinguished from insanity?
ANGELA Poor blind child! Oh, forgive her, Eros! Why, love is
of all passions the most essential! It is the embodiment of
purity, the abstraction of refinement! It is the one unselfish
emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed!
PATIENCE Oh, dear, oh! [beginning to cry]
ANGELA Why are you crying?
PATIENCE To think that I have lived all these years without
having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion! Why,
what a wicked girl I must be! For it is unselfish, isn't it?
ANGELA Absolutely! Love that is tainted with selfishness is no
love. Oh, try, try, try to love! It really isn't difficult if
you give your whole mind to it.
PATIENCE I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm
head over ears in love with somebody.
ANGELA Noble girl! But is it possible that you have never loved
anybody?
PATIENCE Yes, one.
ANGELA Ah! Whom?
PATIENCE My great-aunt—
ANGELA Great-aunts don't count.
PATIENCE Then there's nobody. At least — no, nobody. Not
since I was a baby. But that doesn't count, I suppose.
ANGELA I don't know. Tell me about it.
No. 7. Long years ago, fourteen maybe
(Duet)
Patience and Angela
PATIENCE [R.] Long years ago — fourteen, maybe,
When but a tiny babe of four,
Another baby played with me,
My elder by a year or more;
A little child of beauty rare,
With marv'lous eyes and wondrous hair,
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me
All that a little child should be!
[She goes to ANGELA, L.C.]
Ah, how we loved, that child and I!
How pure our baby joy!
How true our love — and, by the bye,
He was a little boy!
ANGELA Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch!
I thought as much — I thought as much!
He was a little boy!
PATIENCE Pray don't misconstrue what I say—
Remember, pray — remember, pray,
He was a little boy!
ANGELA No doubt! Yet, spite of all your pains,
The interesting fact remains -
He was a little boy!
BOTH Ah, yes, in/No doubt, yet spite of all my/your pains,
The interesting fact remains—
He was a little boy!
He was a little boy!
[Exit ANGELA, L.]
PATIENCE [R.C.] It's perfectly dreadful to think of the
appalling state I must be in! I had no idea that love was a
duty. No wonder they all look so unhappy! Upon my word, I
hardly like to associate with myself. I don't think I'm
respectable. I'll go at once and fall in love with... [As she
turns to go up R., GROSVENOR enters, R.U.E. She sees him and
turns back.] a stranger!
No. 8. Prithee, pretty maiden
(Duet)
Patience and Grosvenor
GROSVENOR [up-stage, R. ] Prithee, pretty maiden — prithee,
tell me true,
(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly!)
Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you?
Hey willow waly O!
[coming down-stage]
I would fain discover
If you have a lover!
Hey willow waly O!
PATIENCE [L.] Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free—
(Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly!)
Nobody I care for comes a-courting me—
Hey willow waly O!
Nobody I care for
Comes a-courting — therefore,
Hey willow waly O!
GROSVENOR [C.] Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?
(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly!)
I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee—
Hey willow waly O!
Money, I despise it;
Many people prize it,
Hey willow waly O!
PATIENCE Gentle Sir, although to marry I design—
(Hey, but he's hopeful, willow willow waly!)
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline.
Hey willow waly O!
To other maidens go you—
As yet I do not know you,
BOTH Hey willow waly O!
GROS. Patience! Can it be that you don't recognize me?
PATIENCE [down L.] Recognize you? No, indeed I don't!
GROS. Have fifteen years so greatly changed me?
PATIENCE [turning to him] Fifteen years? What do you mean?
GROS. Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your
Archibald? — your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos, this
is too bad of you! [Comes down, C.]
PATIENCE Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It is!
It is! [takes his hands.] It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I
thought we should never meet again! And how you've grown!
GROS. Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter than I
was.
PATIENCE And how you've improved!
GROS. [dropping her hands and turning] Yes, Patience, I am very
beautiful! [Sighs.]
PATIENCE But surely that doesn't make you unhappy?
GROS. Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which
probably has not its rival on earth, I am, nevertheless, utterly
and completely miserable.
PATIENCE Oh — but why?
GROS. My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive, then,
the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my hideous
destiny to be madly loved at first sight by every woman I come
across!
PATIENCE But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why not
disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this
persecution?
GROS. No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts — irksome as
they are — were given to me for the enjoyment and delectation of
my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, and it is my
duty to see that the conditions of my trust are faithfully
discharged.
PATIENCE And you, too, are a Poet?
GROS. Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called
"Archibald the All-Right" — for I am infallible!
PATIENCE And is it possible that you condescend to love such a
girl as I?
GROS. Yes, Patience, is it not strange? I have loved you with a
Florentine fourteenth-century frenzy for full fifteen years!
PATIENCE Oh, marvelous! I have hitherto been deaf to the voice
of love. I seem now to know what love is! It has been revealed
to me — it is Archibald Grosvenor!
GROS. Yes, Patience, it is! [She goes into his arms.]
PATIENCE [as in a trance] We will never, never part!
GROS. We will live and die together!
PATIENCE I swear it!
GROS. We both swear it!
PATIENCE [recoiling from him] But — oh, horror!
GROS. What's the matter?
PATIENCE Why, you are perfection! A source of endless ecstasy
to all who know you!
GROS. I know I am. Well?
PATIENCE Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in
loving you!
GROS. Merciful powers! I never thought of that!
PATIENCE To monopolize those features on which all women love to
linger! It would be unpardonable!
GROS. Why, so it would! Oh, fatal perfection, again you
interpose between me and my happiness!
PATIENCE Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you
are!
GROS. Would that I were; but candour compels me to admit that
I'm not!
PATIENCE Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever!
GROS. Oh, misery! And yet I cannot question the propriety of
your decision. Farewell, Patience!
PATIENCE Farewell, Archibald! [they both turn to go.]
[suddenly] But stay!
GROS. Yes, Patience?
PATIENCE Although I may not love you — for you are perfection -
- there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain,
homely, unattractive!
GROS. Why, that's true!
PATIENCE The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must
be unselfish!
GROS. Unselfishness itself!
No. 8a. Though to marry you would very selfish be
(Duet)
Patience and Grosvenor
PATIENCE Though to marry you would very selfish be—
GROSVENOR Hey, but I'm doleful — willow willow waly!
PATIENCE You may, all the same, continue loving me —
GROSVENOR Hey willow waly O!
BOTH All the world ignoring,
You'll/I'll go on adoring—
Hey, willow waly O!
[They go off sadly — PATIENCE, L., GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]
No. 9. Let the merry cymbals sound
(Finale of Act I)
Ensemble
[Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with
garlands, and looking very miserable. He is led by ANGELA
and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland by
which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of
Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on
cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments. JANE
last, with a very large pair of cymbals.]
[The procession enters over the drawbridge, BUNTHORNE being
preceded by the Chorus. They go R. and round the stage,
ending with BUNTHORNE down L.C., with ANGELA on his R.,
SAPHIR on his L., JANE up C.]
MAIDENS Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic measure,
Tread a gay but classic measure.
Ev'ry heart with hope is beating,
For, at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride!
Ev'ry heart with hope is beating,
For, at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride!
Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic, classic measure,
Tread a gay but classic, classic measure,
A classic measure.
[DRAGOONS enter down R., forming a line diagonally up to up-
stage, C.]
Chorus of Dragoons
Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you—
Oh, poet, how say you—
What is it you've [optional — you have] done?
Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you—
Oh, poet, how say you—
What is it you've done?
Oh, poet, how say you—
What is it you've done?
DUKE [C.] Of rite sacrificial,
By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial,
Then why don't you run?
COLONEL [R.C.] They cannot have led you
To hang or behead you,
Nor may they all wed you,
Unfortunate one!
DRAGOONS Then tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you—
Oh, poet, how say you—
What is it you've done?
[optional — Enter SOLICITOR.]
BUNTHORNE Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity,
By the advice of my solicitor
In aid — in aid of a deserving charity,
I've put myself up to be raffled for!
[He introduces his solicitor.]
MAIDENS By the advice of his solicitor,
He's put himself up to be raffled for!
DRAGOONS Oh, horror! urged by his solicitor,
He's put himself up to be raffled for!
MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor!
DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor!
MAIDENS Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor!
DRAGOONS A hideous curse on his solicitor!
MAIDENS DRAGOONS
A blessing on his solicitor! A curse, a curse on his
solicitor!
[The SOLICITOR, horrified at the Dragoons' curse, rushes off, L.]
COLONEL [R.C. BUNTHORNE up L., surrounded by the Ladies.]
Stay, we implore you,
Before our hopes are blighted;
You see before you
The men to whom you're plighted!
DRAGOONS Stay, we implore you,
For we adore you;
To us you're plighted
To be united—
Stay, we implore you, we implore you!
DUKE [C.] Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel
To pity's eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British soldiers feel.
[Aside ] Sigh, sigh, all sigh! [They all sigh.]
To foeman's steel we rarely see
A British soldier bend the knee,
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye—
[Aside ] Kneel, kneel, all kneel! [They all kneel.]
Our soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet — I need not tell you why—
A tear-drop dews each martial eye!
[Aside ] Weep, weep, all weep! [They all weep.]
MAIDENS &
DRAGOONS Our/We soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet — they/we need not tell us/you why—
ABOVE &
DUKE A tear-drop dews each eye/martial eye!
Weep, weep, all weep!
[The Solicitor re-enters]
BUNTHORNE [coming briskly forward, L.C.]
Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity,
Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity,
Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity,
Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain—
Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery—
From early Oriental down to modern terra-cottary—
Put in half a guinea — you may draw him in a lottery—
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
MAIDENS Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of
pottery—
From early Oriental down to modern terra cottary—
Put in half a guinea — you may draw him in a lottery—
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
[MAIDENS crowd up to purchase tickets. DRAGOONS dance in single
file round stage, to express their indifference.]
DRAGOONS We've been thrown over, we're aware
But we don't care — but we don't care!
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it,
As good as ever came out of it,
And some day we shall get our share,
So we don't care — so we don't care!
[During this the GIRLS have been buying tickets, the Solicitor
officiating. At last JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE
looks at her with aversion.]
BUNTHORNE And are you going a ticket for to buy?
JANE [surprised] Most certainly I am; why shouldn't I?
BUNTHORNE [aside] Oh, Fortune, this is hard! [aloud]
Blindfold your eyes;
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize!
[GIRLS blindfold themselves.]
Chorus of MAIDENS
Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind;
Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind!
Just raise your bandage, thus, [Each uncovers one eye.] that you
may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me! [They cover their
eyes again.]
BUNTHORNE Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first!
JANE [joyfully] He loves me best!
BUNTHORNE [aside] I want to know the worst!
[JANE puts her hand in bag to draw ticket. PATIENCE enters and
prevents her.]
PATIENCE Hold! Stay your hand!
ALL [uncovering their eyes]
What means this interference?
Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance!
JANE Away with you, away with you, and to your milk-pails go!
BUNTHORNE [suddenly] She wants a ticket! Take a dozen!
PATIENCE No! If there be pardon in your breast
For this poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest,
Sincerely doth repent;
If you, with one so lowly, still
Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will,
For I will be your bride!
[She kneels to Bunthorne.]
CHORUS Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run—
Go, take your wing,
Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run—
Go, take your wing,
You shameless one!
You bold-faced thing!
[Bunthorne raises her.]
BUNTHORNE How strong is love! For many and many a week,
She's loved me fondly, and has feared to speak
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far,
Has burst the bonds of Art — and here we are!
PATIENCE No, Mister Bunthorne, no — you're wrong again;
Permit me — I'll endeavour to explain!
True love must single-hearted be—
BUNTHORNE Exactly so!
PATIENCE From ev'ry selfish fancy free—
BUNTHORNE Exactly so!
PATIENCE No idle thought of gain or joy
A maiden's fancy should employ—
True love must be without alloy,
True love must be without alloy.
MEN Exactly so!
PATIENCE Imposture to contempt must lead—
COLONEL Exactly so!
PATIENCE Blind vanity's dissension's seed—
MAJOR Exactly so!
PATIENCE It follows, then, a maiden who
Devotes herself to loving you
Is prompted by no selfish view,
Is prompted by no selfish view!
MEN Exactly so!
SAPHIR [coming L. of BUNTHORNE]
Are you resolved to wed this shameless one?
ANGELA [coming R. of BUNTHORNE]
Is there no chance for any other?
BUNTHORNE [decisively] None! [Embraces PATIENCE]
[Exit PATIENCE and BUNTHORNE, L. ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take
COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while GIRLS gaze fondly at
other Officers.]
SEXTET
(ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, MAJOR, COLONEL)
I hear the soft note of the echoing voice
Of an old, old love, long dead—
It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice"—
For the last sad tear is shed—
The pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, this heart will range
From that old, old love again!
[GIRLS embrace OFFICERS]
CHORUS Yes, the pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, our hearts will range
From that old, old love again!
DUKE CHORUS
Oh, never, oh never Oh, never, oh never
our hearts will range our hearts, our hearts
will range
From that old, old love again!
SEXTET CHORUS
Oh, never, oh never, Oh, never, oh never our hearts,
our hearts will range Oh, never, our hearts will range
From that old, old From that old, old love
love again! again!
[The GIRLS embrace the Officers. Re-enter PATIENCE and
BUNTHORNE. L.]
[As the DRAGOONS and GIRLS are embracing, enter GROSVENOR,
R.U.E., reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes
slowly down, still reading. The GIRLS are all strangely
fascinated by him. The Chorus divides, L. & R., and the
GIRLS are held back by the DRAGOONS, as they attempt to
throw themselves at GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who
recognizes a rival.]
ANGELA [R.C.] But who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?
And who is this, whose manly face
Bears sorrow's interesting trace?
CHORUS Yes, who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?
GROSVENOR [C.] I am a broken-hearted troubadour,
Whose mind's aesthetic and whose tastes are pure!
ANGELA Aesthetic! He is aesthetic!
GROSVENOR Yes, yes — I am aesthetic
And poetic!
MAIDENS Then, we love you!
[They break away from the DRAGOONS, and kneel to GROSVENOR.]
DRAGOONS They love him! Horror!
BUNTHORNE and
PATIENCE They love him! Horror!
GROSVENOR They love me! Horror! Horror! Horror!
ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]
PATIENCE DUKE
List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't
express,
A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly
confess;
That it's unselfish, goodness knows, His shell-like ears he
does not close
You won't dispute it, I suppose! To their recital of
their woes.
ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE CHORUS
Oh, list while we a love confess Oh, list while we/they a
love confess
That words imperfectly express.
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close That words imperfectly
express.
To blighted love's distracting woes!
ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]
MAJOR, COLONEL & BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
My jealousy I can't express, Again my cursed comeliness
Their love they openly confess! Spreads hopeless
anguish and
distress,
Their love they openly confess, Spreads hopeless anguish
and
confess! distress, distress!
MAIDENS DRAGOONS
Yes, those shell-like ears, ah, do Yes, his shell-like ears
not close he does not close
To blighted love's distracting To their recital of their
woes!
woes!
To blighted love's distracting woes, To their recital of their
woes,
their woes! their woes!
ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]
PATIENCE DUKE
Ah! Ah!
And I shall love you, I shall love. His shell-like ears he
does not close
Your ears, ah, do not close! To love's distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced
absurdity,
explain it if you
can!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced
absurdity,
explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!
ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE MAIDENS
Oh, list while we our love confess Oh, list while we a love
confess
That words imperfectly express. That words imperfectly
express.
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's
distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's
distracting
woes!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's
distracting
love's woes woes! love's woes!
BUNTHORNE MAJOR and COLONEL
My jealousy I can't express, My jealousy I can't
express,
Their love they openly confess. Their love they
openly confess.
His shell-like ears he does not close His shell-like ears he
does not close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!
GROSVENOR MALE CHORUS
Again my cursed comeliness Oh, list while they a love
confess
Spreads hopeless anguish and That words
imperfectly express.
distress;
Thine ears, oh, Fortune, do not close His shell-like ears He
does not close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!
[GROSVENOR makes a wild effort to escape up-stage; the GIRLS drag
him back and kneel as the curtain falls.]
END OF ACT I
ACT II
[SCENE — A wooded glade, with a view of open country in the
background. The chorus of MAIDENS is heard singing in the
distance. JANE is discovered leaning on a violoncello,
which she has propped up on a tree-stump, L., and upon which
she will presently accompany herself. As the Chorus ends,
she speaks.]
No. 10. On such eyes as maidens cherish
(Opening Chorus)
Maidens
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Lest thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
JANE The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance
to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with
passing favour on a puling milkmaid! Fools! Of that fancy he
will soon weary — and then, I, who alone am faithful to him,
shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for
my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying.
Better secure me ere I have gone too far!
No. 11. Sad is that woman's lot
(Recitative and Solo)
Jane
JANE Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,
Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,
Impatiently begins to dim her eyes!
Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings,
To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved
"combings,"
Reduced, with rouge, lip-shade, and pearly grey,
To "make up" for lost time as best she may!
Silvered is the raven hair,
Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait,
Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limpid eye,
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!
Fading is the taper waist,
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim!
Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I—
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!
[Exit, L., carrying her violoncello.]
[Enter GROSVENOR, R., followed by MAIDENS, two and two, playing
on archaic instruments as in Act I. He is reading
abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no
attention to them.]
No. 12. Turn, oh, turn in this direction
(Chorus)
Maidens
Turn, oh, turn in this direction,
Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection,
Our poor fainting hearts beguile!
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
[GROSVENOR sits, R.; they group themselves around him in a
formation similar to that which opens Act I.]
GROS. [aside, not looking up] The old, old tale. How
rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly! [He looks
up.] Oh, Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my heart,
what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity?
Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of
hopeless love for thee!
ANGELA Sir, will it please you read to us?
GROS. [sighing] Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read?
ANGELA One of your own poems.
GROS. One of my own poems? Better not, my child. They will not
cure thee of thy love. [All sigh.]
ELLA Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own every day.
SAPHIR And, to do him justice, he read them extremely well.
GROS. Oh, did he so? Well, who am I that I should take upon
myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee?
Here is a decalet — a pure and simple thing, a very daisy — a
babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary
to think of anything at all.
ANGELA Let us think of nothing at all!
GROS. [reciting]
Gentle Jane was as good as gold,
She always did as she was told;
She never spoke when her mouth was full,
Or caught bluebottles their legs to pull,
Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock,
Or put white mice in the eight-day clock,
Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol.
And when she grew up she was given in marriage
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage!
GROS. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word
in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame
to the cheek of modesty.
ANGELA Not one; it is purity itself.
GROS. Here's another.
Teasing Tom was a very bad boy,
A great big squirt was his favourite toy
He put live shrimps in his father's boots,
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits;
He punched his poor little sisters' heads,
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds;
He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax,
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs.
The consequence was he was lost totally,
And married a girl in the corps de bally!
[The MAIDENS express intense horror.]
ANGELA Marked you how grandly — how relentlessly — the damning
catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised
hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was
terrible! [All shudder.]
ELLA Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our
hearts, and they go out to you!
GROS. [aside] This is simply cloying. [aloud] Ladies, I am
sorry to appear ungallant, but this is Saturday, and you have
been following me about ever since Monday. I should like the
usual half-holiday. I shall take it as a personal favour if you
will kindly allow me to close early to-day.
SAPHIR Oh, sir, do not send us from you!
GROS. Poor, poor girls! It is best to speak plainly. I know
that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for
my heart is fixed elsewhere! Remember the fable of the Magnet
and the Churn.
ANGELA [wildly] But we don't know the fable of the Magnet and
the Churn!
GROS. Don't you? Then I will sing it to you.
No. 13. A magnet hung in a hardware shop
(Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens
GROSVENOR A magnet hung in a hardware shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,
Offering love for all their lives;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim,
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him;
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,
For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn!
MAIDENS A Silver Churn!
GROSVENOR A Silver Churn!
His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn—
"If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"
MAIDENS His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn—
"If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"
GROSVENOR [He rises, going C.]
And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,
The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The penknives felt "shut up", no doubt,
The scissors declared themselves "cut out",
The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,
While ev'ry nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam,
Till a hammer came up and drove them home.
MAIDENS It drove them home?
GROSVENOR It drove them home!
While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!
MAIDENS While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
MAIDENS and
GROSVENOR By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!
[They go off in low spirits, R.U.E., gazing back at him from time
to time.]
GROS. At last they are gone! What is this mysterious
fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A
curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests! [Goes R.]
[Enter PATIENCE, L. Stops L.C. on seeing GROSVENOR.]
GROS. [Turns and sees her.] Patience!
PATIENCE I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. I
wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love
me as fondly as ever?
GROS. Love you? If the devotion of a lifetime— [seizing her
hand.]
PATIENCE [indignantly] Hold! Unhand me, or I scream! [He
releases her.] If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I am
another's! [very tenderly.] But you do love me, don't you?
GROS. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly!
PATIENCE That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!
GROS. And you love this Bunthorne?
PATIENCE With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches,
and burns, and stings! [sadly] It is my duty.
GROS. Admirable girl! But you are not happy with him?
PATIENCE Happy? I am miserable beyond description!
GROS. That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!
PATIENCE But go now. I see dear Reginald approaching.
Farewell, dear Archibald; I cannot tell you how happy it has made
me to know that you still love me.
GROS. Ah, if I only dared— [advancing towards her]
PATIENCE Sir! this language to one who is promised to another!
[tenderly] Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is
breaking! He is unkind to me, and you would be so loving!
GROS. Loving! [advancing towards her]
PATIENCE Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I
scream! [tenderly] Farewell, Archibald! [sternly] Stop there!
[tenderly] Think of me sometimes! [angrily] Advance at your
peril! Once more, adieu!
[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and
exits, R. She bursts into tears.]
[Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and
preoccupied.]
In a doleful train
(Solo)
Jane
JANE In a doleful train
One and one I walk all day;
For I love in vain—
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!
BUN. [seeing PATIENCE] Crying, eh? What are you crying about?
PATIENCE I've only been thinking how dearly I love you!
BUN. Love me! Bah!
JANE Love him! Bah!
BUN. [to JANE] Don't you interfere.
JANE He always crushes me!
PATIENCE [going to him] What is the matter, dear Reginald? If
you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you.
[sighing] It is my duty!
BUN. [snappishly] Whom were you talking with just now?
PATIENCE With dear Archibald.
BUN. [furiously] With dear Archibald! Upon my honour, this is
too much!
JANE A great deal too much!
BUN. [angrily to JANE] Do be quiet!
JANE Crushed again!
PATIENCE I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect
being I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he
is devotedly attached to me, but I don't love him. Whenever he
grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty! [sighing]
BUN. I dare say!
JANE So do I! I dare say!
PATIENCE Why, how could I love him and love you too? You can't
love two people at once!
BUN. Oh, can't you, though!
PATIENCE No, you can't; I only wish you could.
BUN. I don't believe you know what love is!
PATIENCE [sighing] Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I
didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me.
[BUNTHORNE, noticing that JANE is not looking at him, goes off
quickly up R. She turns, sees him, and runs after him.]
No. 14. Love is a plaintive song
(Solo)
Patience
PATIENCE Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suff'ring maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed;
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad,
Blind to his ev'ry mote,
Merry when he is glad!
Merry when he is glad!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love, the love that's true!
Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at ev'ry frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your teardrops down;
Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her!
Nothing at all for her!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love, the love that's true!
[At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, L., weeping. Enter
BUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.]
BUN. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced
idiot came here. Before that I was admired — I may say, loved.
JANE Too mild — adored!
BUN. Do let a poet soliloquize! The damozels used to follow me
wherever I went; now they all follow him!
JANE Not all! I am still faithful to you.
BUN. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are!
JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leave
you, I swear it!
BUN. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his confounded
mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And no
doubt I am highly spiced.
JANE Not for my taste!
BUN. [savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show the
world I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they
shall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat
him on it.
JANE You shall. And I will help you.
BUN. You will? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, after
all!
No. 15. So go to him and say to him
(Duet)
Jane and Bunthorne
[Dance]
JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical—
BUNTHORNE Sing "Hey to you—
Good-day to you"—
And that's what I shall say!
JANE "Your style is much too sanctified — your cut is too
canonical"—
BUNTHORNE Sing "Bah to you—
Ha! ha! to you"—
And that's what I shall say!
JANE "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical—
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical—
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."
BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you—
Pooh, pooh to you"—
And that's what I shall say!
Sing "Booh to you—
Pooh, pooh to you"—
And that's what I shall say!
JANE BUNTHORNE
Sing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Hey,
Sing "Bah to you — ha! ha! to you"— Good-day
Sing "Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you"— Bah.
And that's what you should say! ha! ha!
Sing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Booh,
Sing "Bah to you —ha! ha! to you"— pooh-pooh
Sing "Booh to you"— Bah.
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
BUNTHORNE I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more
jocular—
JANE Sing "Booh to you—
Pooh, pooh to you"—
And that's what you should say!
BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his
ocular—
JANE Sing "Bah to you—
Ha! ha! to you"—
And that's what you should say!
BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of
quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with
avidity—
He'd better clear away with all convenient
rapidity.
JANE Sing "Hey to you—
Good-day to you"—
And that's what you should say!
BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you—
Pooh, pooh to you"—
And that's what I shall say!
JANE BUNTHORNE
Sing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Hey,
Sing "Bah to you — ha! ha! to you"— Good-day
Sing "Booh to you — pooh, pooh to you"— Bah.
And that's what you should say! ha! ha!
Sing "Hey to you — good-day to you"— "Booh,
Sing "Bah to you — ha! ha! to you"— pooh-pooh
Sing "Booh to you"— Bah.
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
[They dance off,
L.]
[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned their
uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of
Aesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs of
attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in
stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes — a grotesque
exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the
young LADIES in Act I.]
[Enter DUKE... enter MAJOR... enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walk
to C.]
No. 16. It's clear that mediaeval art
(Trio)
Duke, Major, and Colonel
ALL It's clear that medieval art alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.
We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English
ring;
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort
of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude]
You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat
[attitude].
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due
effect.
If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid;
You can't get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready
made.
True views on Medieavalism Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort
of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude]
You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat
[attitude].
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him
[attitude].
[Attitudes change in time to the music.]
COLONEL [attitude] Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of
making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become as
aesthetic as they are.
MAJOR [attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we've
succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an idea that
this is not quite right.
DUKE [attitude] I don't like it. I never did. I don't see what
it means. I do it, but I don't like it.
COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it,
but whether they do. They understand these things — we don't.
Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough — at a
distance.
MAJOR I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It
would be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so!
COLONEL I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a
little awkward at first — but everything must have a beginning.
Oh, here they come! 'Tention!
[They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.]
ANGELA [seeing them] Oh, Saphir — see — see! The immortal
fire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood
— perceptively intense and consummately utter.
[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining their
constrained attitudes.]
SAPHIR [in admiration] How Botticelian! How Fra Angelican! Oh,
Art, we thank thee for this boon!
COLONEL [apologetically] I'm afraid we're not quite right.
ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all — but!
[to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all — but?
SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter!
MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usually
recommend for cramp?
COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at
some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the
extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not
without its effect.
ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of
your attachment.
SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art
in its highest development has touched us deeply.
ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate—
SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will—
MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The others
hush him.]
ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will
not go out to you.
COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes —
Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aesthetic
rapture.]
SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good — for beginners it's admirable.
MAJOR The only question is, who will take who?
COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.
DUKE Oh, I couldn't thank of it — you are really too good!
COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish,
and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance
of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you
choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [with
increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela,
I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major
takes Saphir. Clear as day!
[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic
attitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to
R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major
alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir
with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone;
Angela with Major.]
No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry
Quintet
Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir
DUKE If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life;
Then the Colonel need not tarry,
Angela can be his wife.
MAJOR In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die—
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!
ALL He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die—
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
DUKE If on Angy I determine,
At my wedding she'll appear,
Decked in diamond and ermine.
Major then can take Saphir!
COLONEL In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die—
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!
ALL He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die—
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA,
DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]
DUKE After some debate internal,
If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel,
[Hands her to the COLONEL.]
Angy be the Major's bride!
[Hands her to the MAJOR.]
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die—
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!
ALL He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die—
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the
COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.]
[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]
GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may
gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in
hand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus!
[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]
BUN. It's no use; I can't live without admiration. Since
Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is
there!
GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here — look! Very graceful, isn't
it!
BUN. [taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, it
is graceful.
GROS. [taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that —
this—
BUN. You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.
GROS. And what is amiss?
BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the
attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir!
GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my
life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages,
you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved,
at first sight, by every woman you meet.
BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored!
GROS. Exactly — until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut
everybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest some
means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could
escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my
everlasting gratitude.
BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the
world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable
to me.
GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How
can I express my gratitude?
BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation
must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your
hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you
must be absolutely commonplace.
GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible.
BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.
GROS. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that
mission must be fulfilled.
BUN. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of
thwarting me.
GROS. I don't care what they are.
BUN. Suppose — I won't go so far as to say that I will do it —
but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR
quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.
GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]
BUN. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt.
Still—
GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it — I am sure you would
not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him]
Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.
BUN. Never!
GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see
you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere
you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne,
reflect, reflect! [Weeping]
BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow
myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once,
or may a nephew's curse—
GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?
BUN. Absolutely.
GROS. Will nothing shake you?
BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.
GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.
BUN. Ha! You swear it?
GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable
pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last.
I do it on compulsion!
BUN. Victory! I triumph!
No. 18. When I go out of door
(Duet)
Bunthorne and Grosvenor
[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his
solo verses.]
BUNTHORNE When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And "High diddle diddle"
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!
BOTH A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man!
GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can,
An ev'ryday young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban "hops"
More fun than "Monday Pops,"—
Who's fond of his dinner,
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.
BOTH A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man—
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Every-day young man!
BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man—
A blue-and-white young man—
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!
GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man—
A Somerset House young man,—
A very delectable, highly respectable
Three-penny-bus young man!
BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man—
A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man!
GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man,
A Howell & James young man,
A pushing young particle — "What's the next
article?"—
Waterloo House young man!
BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!
[GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]
BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill-
nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.
[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter
PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]
PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And — what in the world is the
matter with you?
BUN. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy,
moody, fitful — uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition—
PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]
BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled
myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My
conversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shall
still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most
pastoral kind.
PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?
BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Assuming a fixed
smile]
PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?
BUN. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as long
as I do.
PATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I
cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer
be a duty to love you, but a pleasure — a rapture — an ecstasy!
BUN. My darling! [embracing her]
PATIENCE But — oh, horror! [recoiling from him]
BUN. What's the matter?
PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed -
- that you are henceforth a perfect being — utterly free from
defect of any kind?
BUN. It is quite certain. I have sworn it.
PATIENCE Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.]
BUN. Why not?
PATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and
there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as
you have now become!
BUN. But, stop a bit. I don't want to change — I'll relapse —
I'll be as I was — interrupted!
[Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, who
are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his hair
cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat.
They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast
to their former languor.]
No. 19. I'm a Waterloo House young man
(Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens
GROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man,
A Sewell & Cross young man,
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Everyday young man.
MAIDENS We're Swears & Wells young girls,
We're Madame Louise young girls,
We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering,
Every-day young girls.
BUN. [C.] Angela — Ella — Saphir — what — what does this
mean?
ANGELA [R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all-
wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, it
proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded.
PATIENCE Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I'm shocked — surprised —
horrified!
GROS. [L.C.] I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on
compulsion.
PATIENCE This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on you
again. But — oh, joy!
GROS.[L.C.] What is the matter?
PATIENCE [R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will always
be a commonplace young man?
GROS. Always — I've sworn it.
PATIENCE Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving you
with all the fervour at my command!
GROS. Why, that's true.
PATIENCE [crossing to him] My Archibald!
GROS. My Patience! [They embrace.]
BUN. Crushed again!
[Enter JANE, L.]
JANE [who is still aesthetic] Cheer up! I am still here. I
have never left you, and I never will!
BUN. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, you're
a fine figure of a woman!
JANE My Reginald!
BUN. My Jane! [They embrace.]
Fanfare
[Enter, R., COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They are again in
uniform.]
COLONEL Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a
bride!
[General excitement]
DUKE [R.] I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you
as are truly lovely. [All the MAIDENS come forward, bashfully,
except JANE and PATIENCE.] In personal appearance you have all
that is necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I
think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the
misfortune to be distinctly plain. [Girls retire disappointed.]
Jane!
JANE [leaving BUNTHORNE's arms] Duke! [JANE and DUKE embrace.
BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.]
BUN. Crushed again!
No. 20. After much debate internal
(Finale of Act II)
Ensemble
DUKE [R.C.] After much debate internal,
I on Lady Jane decide,
Saphir now may take the Col'nel,
Angry be the Major's bride!
[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, R., ANGELA with MAJOR, L.C.,
ELLA with SOLICITOR, L.]
BUNTHORNE [C.] In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die—
I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or li-ly!
[BUNTHORNE, C., takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes
affectionately at it.]
SAPHIR, ELLA,
ANGELA, DUKE,
BUNTHORNE and
COLONEL He will have to be contented
With a tulip or li-ly!
ALL In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I must live and die—
He will/I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or li-ly!
Greatly pleased with one another,
To get married we/they decide.
Each of us/them will wed the other,
Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride!
Dance
END OF OPERA