screen on the L.--Two chairs._
_Enter PINKEY and BOSS, D.F._
BOSS. Now, my man, you _must_ make up your mind, you can't be in finer
order for popping the question; you have just finished your three
pints of claret, your lady has this moment called with Damper and the
mysterious gentleman that tea'd here yesterday, and you can't have a
better opportunity.
PIN. _(A little elevated.)_ I'm sure I can't, I feel quite brimful of
words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words.
Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two
without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.
BOSS. You can't have a more inspiring theme than your love for your
lady.
PIN. You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I've heard you
when you didn't know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do--some
people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I
can't, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon.
BOSS. You would gain little by knowing what passes between _us_.
PIN. Why?
BOSS. We merely admire each other's good qualities.
PIN. As much as to say, I've none for anybody to admire--I understand
you--but I have though.
BOSS. Oh, no doubt. You may be hiding your candle under a bushel.
PIN. That's it--I _have_ a light--I feel I have a light, I'm only
afraid, if I attempt to show it, it will go out.
[_MISS SKYLARK is heard singing._
BOSS. She's coming, I'll leave you together.
PIN. Oh, don't, I am not quite ready; that is, I don't feel quite so
desperate as I did just now.
BOSS. Come, come, pop at once; and then, like a conquering hero, take
her on your arm to this party that we are all invited to. We have
arranged the opportunity for you, step behind this screen.
PIN. Why?
BOSS. It's necessary.
PIN. Do all people step behind screens when they propose to marry?
BOSS. Too many, I'm afraid.
PIN. Ah! but matrimony soon kicks the screen down, don't it? I wish we
could be married without this awful ceremony of proposing. Why can't
people make telegraphic signs? what a deal of trouble it would save.
[_MISS SNARE, heard without._
MISS SNA. Step this way, my dear.
[_BOSS puts PINKEY behind the screen._
_MISS SKYLARK enters following MISS SNARE, D.F._
MISS SKY. For what?
MISS SNA. Ah! Mr. Narcissus, I was looking for you. _(She beckons to
BOSS.)_ Take a seat for one moment, I beg.
[_MISS SKYLARK sits; BOSS and MISS SNARE run off D.F.; BOSS locks the
door, holds up the key, and disappears._
MISS SKY. What is the meaning of this? The door locked upon me. Miss
Snare! _(Calling at the door.)_ Let me out, I'm so nervous when I'm in
a room by myself, pray, let me out. _(Coming forward.)_ Very strange
conduct, to ask me to step into this room, and then turn the key upon
me. What can it mean?
[_PINKEY sighs, very audibly, behind the screen._
MISS SKY. _(Alarmed.)_ Oh! what's that? it seems like the groan of a
criminal full of remorse: surely no one can be in the room. I thought
the sound came from behind that screen. Hem! _(Coughs.)_ I wish I
could get courage to peep.
[_She sings to gain courage--passing cautiously behind the screen.
PINKEY, at the same time, comes round in front, then takes his place
at the back of it as she re-appears._
No one is there--there are no closets--no other door than that. I'm
getting frightened, upon my honor I am--it must have been my fancy.
Well, all I can do is to sit quiet till my friends are disposed to set
me at liberty. I really feel inclined to scream.
[_She sits in the chair. PINKEY comes forward, and gently places a
chair by the side of her._
PIN. Hem!
[_She screams and falls on her knees. DAMPER, MISS SNARE, BOSS and
CHESTER, are seen watching them through the glass door._
MISS SKY. Oh! what's that?--I can't look I'm sure its something
frightful.
PIN. _(Falling on his knees beside her.)_ Now for it, I'm at high
popping pressure. Angelic creature--dearest of women--I love you to
distraction--I shall never be happy without you, you are necessary to
my life--I never loved anybody but you--never _can_ love anybody but
you--I've got four hundred a year, an uncle with a row of houses, and
an aunt with money in the bank--I'm the only nephew--I'm in both their
wills--you are all to me, Oh, that I were all to you--in short--in
fact--in a few words--will you be mine? There!
MISS SKY. _(Recovers herself during his speech and rises.)_ No.
PIN. Oh, good gracious! You don't mean it?
MISS SKY. I do, sir, I have heard of you; you proposed to another lady
last night.
PIN. Oh, so I did.
MISS SKY. You confess it, do you; and, because you were rejected
there, sir, you have summoned all the courage you are capable of to
address me.
PIN. Let me explain.
MISS SKY. Monster, away.
[_PINKEY, terrified, jumps up, runs to the door and calls out._
PIN. Let me out, pray, let me out; I've popped and it's no use. Let me
out.
[_They hold the door fast laughing at PINKEY; BOSS, at length opens
it; PINKEY darts out; MISS SNARE, BOSS, and DAMPER enter._
MISS SNA. (R.) What is the matter, have you refused him?
MISS SKY. (C.) Certainly. As I was coming here I met Miss Macaw, and
it appears that Mr. Pinkey actually proposed to her last night.
DAM. (L.) Proposed to her!
MISS SKY. And she asked me, if I should meet him, to say that she
particularly wishes to see him this evening. Could you have thought
it? _I_ shall not give him any further encouragement. Who next will he
propose to, I wonder?
DAM. Oho! my lady's coquetry is now accounted for. What a sex it is!
the more I associate with it, the more I discover to detest in it.
Miss Skylark, next to Miss Macaw, I dislike you more than any woman I
know. I am going to a party--I am priviledged to take a lady. Will you
accept my arm?
MISS SKY. To the manor-house?
DAM. Yes.
MISS SKY. I should like very much to go. I am so curious to discover
who it is that shows such an anxiety to make our acquaintance.
DAM. Take my arm. _(MISS SKYLARK takes DAMPER'S arm.)_ That I should
ever be walking with a woman in this way. Well, one can only obtain a
knowledge of a pestilence by boldly venturing where it rages. Come, of
course I am to be annoyed all the way there by your horrible singing
propensity.
MISS SKY. _(Sings.)_
"Oh, come with me, my love,
And our fairy home shall be
Where the water spirits rove,
In the deep, deep sea."
[_DAMPER looks savagely at her as they go off, D.F._
BOSS. Really, the courting people seem all to be getting to cross
purposes! Ah, there is nothing like a platonic affection, is there,
Miss Snare?
MISS SNA. I have no faith in platonic affections.
BOSS. No!
MISS SNA. We might as well think of playing at snow-balls in July. The
ice-cellar of propriety may yield the snow, but the moment it becomes
exposed to the warm air of temptation, it dissolves into its original
liquid!
BOSS. 'Pon my life you're a philosopher in petticoats--you certainly
wear a hoop from the tub of Diogenes!
MISS SNA. Oh, flatterer.
BOSS. Fact, really.
MISS SNA. I trust that I possess the candle of the sage, and have used
it with more success than he did.
BOSS. How?
MISS SNA. That with its light I have discovered in you, not only an
honest, but an elegant man. _(Crosses to L.)_
BOSS. You're a divinity!
MISS SNA. Oh!
BOSS. You are; and as I am no stoic, I must have a kiss. _(Offers to
kiss her.)_
MISS SNA. _(Repulsing him with great dignity.)_ Sir, that is a liberty
I do _not_ allow--there are certain bounds to familiarity, which once
passed, we are in the highway of contempt. We have merely been
friends, not lovers. You could not venture on a greater piece of
indecorum, even after an accepted proposal! Good evening sir!
[_Exit D.F., courtesying._
BOSS. How very odd! This is the effect of dining with Pinkey, and
yielding to a generous impulse. I hope she's not seriously
offended--hang it, I shall be wretched without her; for I have never
before felt so at home and so perfectly amused, as I have been in her
society. What can it mean? very strange. The fact is, I think the
women _are_ pleasant creatures after all; and I've not been
sufficiently alive to their qualities! I'll try another--I'll see who
else I can take to this party--must have a lady on my arm it seems.
Perhaps Miss Snare will forgive me. If she's in her parlour, I'll tap
at the door, and threaten to cut my throat if she don't; for upon my
life I feel miserable enough to do it--fact! _(Takes out a pocket
glass and adjusts his hair.)_ No, I couldn't! _(Regarding himself in
the glass.)_ No, my fine fellow--now I look at you again, under no
circumstances could I do _that!_ _(Admiring himself.)_ Upon my soul I
couldn't--it would be a pity! No, no, don't be afraid, my man, I'll
take every care of you, as long as I live.
[_Exit D.F._