The season had begun, but Pietro Ghisleri had little heart for going
into the world. Apart from the very sad scenes of which he had been a
witness so recently, he really mourned the loss of his friend with a
sincerity for which few would have given him credit. It would, of
course, have been an exaggeration to act as though Arden had been his
brother and to cast himself off from society for several months; but
during a fortnight after he had laid Lord Herbert in the Protestant
Cemetery at Monte Testaccio, he was seen nowhere. He went, indeed, to
the house of the Contessa dell' Armi, but he made his visits at hours
when no one else was received, as everybody knew, and he consequently
saw none of his acquaintances except in the street. Twice daily at
first, and then once, he went to the door of the Tempietto and sent up
for news of Laura and the child. Strange to say, after the first three
or four days the news became uniformly good. Ghisleri learned that the
little boy had come into the world sound and strong at all points,
without the slightest apparent tendency to inherit his father's physical
defects which, indeed, had been wholly the result of accident. The
Princess of Gerano who, by Laura's express wish, had been kept in
ignorance of Arden's illness on the first day and had not learned that
he was seriously ill until he was actually dead, had now established
herself permanently at the Tempietto, and her presence doubtless did
much towards hastening her daughter's recovery. It was wonderful that
Laura should have escaped the fever, still more so that she should rally
so rapidly from a series of shocks which might have ruined an ordinary
constitution; but Laura was very strong.
The Princess told Ghisleri that the child seemed to have taken Herbert's
place. He was to be called Herbert too, and the other dearly loved one
who had borne the name was never spoken of. No one would ever know what
Laura felt, but those who knew her well guessed at the depth of a sorrow
beyond words or outward signs of grief. In the meanwhile life revived in
her and she began to live for her child, as she had lived for her
husband, loving the baby boy with a twofold love, for himself and for
his father's sake.
Ghisleri had written to the Marquess of Lulworth, Arden's brother, but a
letter from him to Arden himself arrived on the day after the latter's
death, telling him that Lord and Lady Lulworth were just starting to go
round the world in their yacht. The Lulworths were people whose
movements it was impossible to foretell, and after sending a number of
telegrams to ports they were likely to touch at, Ghisleri abandoned all
hope of hearing from them for a long time.
Meanwhile, he ascertained that Laura was likely to be hampered for ready
money. Her mother's private resources were very slender, and Laura was
far too proud to accept any assistance from Adele Savelli's father. She
could not dispose, as a matter of fact, of anything which her husband
had left her except the actual ready money which happened to be in the
house; for she could not even draw upon his letters of credit until the
will was proved and the legal formalities all carried out. It was
natural, too, that at such a time she should neither be aware of her
position nor give a thought to such a trivial matter as household
expenses.
One morning Donald came to Ghisleri's rooms in considerable distress, to
ask advice of his master's old friend. He would not disturb Lady
Herbert, he said, and he was ashamed to tell the Princess that there was
no money in the house. Ghisleri's first impulse was to give him all the
cash he had; but he reflected that in the first place the sum might not
be sufficient, for Donald, in a rather broken voice, had referred to
"the necessary expenses when his lordship died," and which must now be
met: and secondly, Pietro felt that when Laura came to know the truth
she would not like to find herself under a serious obligation to him.
"Donald," he said, after a few moments' reflection, "it is none of my
business, but you have been a long time with Lord Herbert, and you are a
Scotchman, and the Scotch are said to be careful; have you saved a
little money?"
"Well, yes sir," answered Donald; "since you ask me, I may say that I
have saved a trifle. And I am sure, sir, it would be most heartily at
her ladyship's disposal if I could go home and get it."
"You need not go for it, Donald. I will lend you the equivalent, in our
money, of a couple of hundred pounds. You can then pay everything, and
when the law business is finished and you come to settle with her
ladyship, you can say that you advanced the sum yourself. That will be
quite true, because I lend it to you, personally, as money for your use,
and when you get it back you will pay it to me. Do you see?"
"Yes, sir; it is a good way, too. But if you will excuse me, sir, you
might very well lend the money to her ladyship's self without pretending
anything."
"No, Donald, I would rather not. Do you understand? Lady Herbert would
much rather borrow from you than from a stranger."
"A stranger, sir! Well, well, if his poor lordship could hear you call
yourself a stranger, sir!"
"One who is no relation. She might feel uncomfortable about it, just as
you would rather come to me than go to the Princess of Gerano."
"Yes, sir. When you put it in that way. I see it."
So Ghisleri took Donald with him to a banker's and drew upon his slender
resources for five thousand francs, which he gave to the Scotchman in
notes. It had seemed to him the simplest way of providing for Laura's
immediate necessities, while keeping her in ignorance of the fact that
any necessity at all really existed. The sensation of helping her with
money was an odd one, he confessed to himself, as he sent Donald home
and walked idly away in the opposite direction through the crowded
streets.
As he strolled down the Corso thinking of Laura's position, he came
suddenly upon Donna Adele Savelli, alone and on foot. Even through the
veil she wore he could see that she was very much changed. She had grown
thin and pale, and her manner was unaccountably nervous when she stopped
and spoke to him.
"Have you been ill?" he inquired, scrutinising her face.
"No, not ill," she answered, looking restlessly to the right and left of
him and avoiding his eyes. "I cannot tell what is the matter with me. I
cannot sleep of late--perhaps it is that. My husband says it is nothing,
of course. I would give anything to go away for a month or two."
"You, who are so fond of society! Just at the beginning of the season,
too! How odd. But you should be careful of yourself if you are losing
your sleep. Insomnia is a dangerous disease. Take sulphonal in small
doses. It does real good, and it never becomes a habit, as chloral
does."
"Sulphonal? I never heard of it. Is it really good? Will you write it
down for me?"
Ghisleri took one of his cards and wrote the word in pencil.
"Any good chemist will tell you how much to take. Even in great
quantities it is not dangerous."
"Thanks."
Donna Adele left him rather abruptly, taking the card with her and
holding it in her hand, evidently intending to make use of it at once.
Ghisleri had good cause for not liking her and wondered inwardly why he
had suggested a means of alleviating her sufferings. It would have been
much better to let her bear them, he thought. Then he laughed at
himself--any doctor would have told her what to take and would probably
have given her a store of good advice besides.
Nearly a month had passed when Ghisleri was at last admitted to see
Laura. He found her lying upon the same sofa on which she had slept a
few hours during the memorable night before her husband died. She was
even thinner now, he thought, and her eyes seemed to be set deeper than
ever, while her face was almost transparent in its pallor. But the look
was different--it was that of a person growing stronger rather than of
one breaking down under a heavy strain. She held out her hand to him and
looked up with a faint smile as he came to her side. The greeting was
not a very cordial one, and Ghisleri felt a slight shock as he realised
the fact.
She could not help it. As Herbert Arden breathed his last, the old sense
of vague, uneasy dislike for Pietro returned almost with the cry she
uttered when she lost consciousness. It was quite beyond her control,
although it had been wholly forgotten during those hours of suffering
and joint nursing which preceded her husband's death. Ghisleri was quite
conscious of it, and was inwardly hurt. It was hard, too, to talk of
indifferent subjects, as he felt that he must, carefully avoiding any
allusion to the time when they had last been together.
"How do you pass the time?" he asked, after a few words of commonplace
greeting and inquiry. "It must be very tiresome for you, I should
think."
"I never was so busy in my life," Laura answered. "You have no idea what
it is to take care of a baby!"
"No," said Ghisleri, with a smile, "I have no idea. But your mother
tells me he is a splendid child."
"Of course I think so, and my mother does. You shall see him one of
these days--he is asleep now. Would you like to know how my day is
passed?"
And she went on to give him an account of the baby life that so wholly
absorbed her thoughts. Ghisleri listened quietly as though he understood
it all. He wished, indeed, that it were possible to talk of something
else, and he felt something like a sensation of pain as Laura constantly
called the child "Herbert," just as she had formerly been used to speak
of her husband. Nevertheless, he was conscious also of a certain sense
of satisfaction. During the month which had elapsed she had learned to
hide her great trouble under the joy of early motherhood. There was
something very beautiful in her devotion to the child of her sorrow, and
hurt though Ghisleri was by her manner to him, she seemed more lovely
and more admirable than ever in his eyes. He said so when he went to see
Maddalena dell' Armi late in the afternoon.
"I have seen Lady Herbert to-day," he began. "It is the first time since
poor Arden died."
"Is she very unhappy?" asked the Contessa.
"She must be, for she never speaks of him. She talks of nothing but the
child."
"I understand that," said Maddalena, thoughtfully. "And then, it is such
a compensation."
"Yes." Ghisleri sighed. He was thinking of what her life might have been
if children had been born to her, and he guessed that the same thoughts
were in her mind at the time.
"Did you ever think," she asked after a short pause, "what would become
of me if you left me? I should be quite alone; do you realise that?"
Ghisleri remembered how nearly he had broken with her more than once and
his conscience smote him.
"I would rather not think of it," he said simply.
"You should," she answered. "It will come some day. I know it. When it
does I shall turn into a very bad woman, much worse than I am now."
"Please do not speak so; it hurts me."
"That is a phrase, my dear friend," said Maddalena. "I always tell you
that you are too fond of making phrases. You ought not to do it with me.
You are not really at all sensitive. I do not even believe that you have
much heart, though you used to make me believe that you had."
"Have I shown you that I am heartless?"
"That is always your way of answering. You are a very strange compound
of contradictions."
"Do you know, my dear lady, that you are falling into the habit of never
believing a word I say?"
"I am afraid it is true," assented Maddalena, sadly. "And yet I would
not be unjust to you for the world. You have given me almost the only
happiness I ever knew, and yet, from having believed too much, I know
that I am coming to believe too little."
"And you even think it is a mere phrase when I tell you that your
distrust hurts me."
"Sometimes. You are not easily hurt, and I do not believe either--" She
stopped suddenly in the midst of her speech.
"What?" asked Ghisleri.
"I will not say it. I say things to you occasionally which I regret
later. I told you that I would not be unjust, and I will try not to be.
Be faithful, if you can, but be honest with me. Do not pretend that you
care for me one hour longer than you really do. It would be dreadful to
know the truth, but it is much worse to doubt. Will you promise?"
"Yes," answered Pietro, gravely. "I have promised it before now."
"Then remember it. Be sure of what you mean and of yourself, if you
can,--be quite, quite sure. You know what it would mean to me to break.
I have not even a little child to love me, as Laura Arden has. I shall
have nothing when you are gone--nothing but the memory of all the wrong
I have done, all that can never be undone in this world or the next."
Ghisleri was moved and his strong face grew very pale while she was
speaking. He had often realised it all of late, and he knew how greatly
he had wronged her. It was not the first time in his life that he had
been so placed, and that remorse, real while it lasted, had taken hold
of him even before love was extinct. But he had never felt so strongly
as he felt to-day, and he did his best to comfort himself with the
shadowy medicine of good resolutions. He had honestly hoped that he
might never love woman again besides Maddalena dell' Armi, and as that
hope grew fainter he felt as though the very last poor fragments of
self-respect he had left were being torn from him piecemeal. She, on her
part, was very far from guessing what he suffered, for she was unjust to
him, in spite of her real desire not to be so, and it was in a measure
this same injustice which was undermining what had been once a very
sincere love--good in that one way, if sinful and guilty in all other
respects. Unbelief is, perhaps, what a man's love can bear the least; as
a woman's may break and die at the very smallest unfaithfulness in him
she loves, and as average human nature is largely compounded of
faithlessness and unbelief, it is not surprising that true love should
so rarely prove lasting.
Ghisleri saw no one after he left Maddalena on that day. He went home
and shut himself up alone in his room, as he had done many times before
that in his life, despairingly attempting to see clearly into his own
heart, and to distinguish, if possible, the right course from the wrong
in the dim light of the only morality left to him then, which was his
sense of honour. And the position was a very hard one. He knew too well
that his love for Maddalena was waning, and he even doubted whether it
had ever been love at all. Most bitterly he reproached himself for the
evil he had already brought into her existence, and for the suffering
that awaited her in the future. Again and again he went over in his mind
the hours of the past, recalling vividly each word and gesture out of
the time when the truest sympathy had seemed to exist between them, and
asking himself why it might not take a new life again and be all that it
once had been. The answer that suggested itself was too despicable in
his eyes for him to accept it, for it told him that Maddalena herself
had changed and was no longer the same woman whom he had once loved, and
whom he could love still, he fancied, if she were still with him. It
seemed so utterly disloyal to cast any of the blame on her that the
lonely man put the thought from him with an angry oath. Of that baseness
at least he would not have to accuse himself. He would never, by the
merest suggestion, suffer himself to think one unkind thought of
Maddalena dell' Armi.
But the great question remained unsolved. Was what was now left really
love in any sense, or not, and if not must he keep his promise and tell
her the truth, or would it be more honourable to live for her sake by a
rule of devotion and faithfulness which his strong will could make real
in itself and in the letter, if not in the spirit? He knew that she was
in earnest in what she had said. If she knew that he had ceased to love
her, she would feel utterly alone in the world, and might well be driven
to almost any lengths in the desperate search for distraction. She had
not said it, but he knew that in her heart she would lay all the sins of
her life at his door and that in this at least she would not be wholly
unjust.
With such a character as Ghisleri's it is not easy to foresee what
direction impulse will take when it comes at last. He was quite capable
of giving up the attempt to understand himself and of leaving the whole
matter to chance, with a coolness which would have seemed cruel and
cynical if it had not been the result of something like despair. He was
capable, if he failed to reach a conclusion by logical means, of tossing
up a coin to decide whether he should tell poor Maddalena dell' Armi
that he did not love her, or else stand by her in spite of every
obstacle and devote his whole life to the elaborate fiction of an unreal
attachment. Strangely enough Laura Arden played a part, and an important
one, in bringing about his ultimate decision. He assuredly had no
thought of loving her, nor of the possibility of loving her at that
time. He would even have thought it an exaggeration to say that he was
devotedly attached to her in the way of friendship. And yet he felt that
she exercised a dominating influence over his mind. He found himself
laying the matter before her in imagination, as he should never be
likely to do in fact, and submitting it to her judgment as to that of a
person supremely capable of distinguishing right from wrong and false
from true. It was singular, too, that he should make no comparison
between her and Maddalena, though possibly no such comparison could have
been made. But he compared himself with her--the depth of his moral
degradation in his own eyes with the lofty purity of thought and purpose
which he attributed to her. The consequence could hardly fail to be a
certain aspiration, vague and almost sentimental, to become such a man
as might not seem to her wholly unworthy of trust. This did not help him
much, however, and when at last he went to bed, having forgotten to go
out and dine, and weary of the hard problem, he was not much further
advanced than when he had sat down to think of it last in the afternoon.
In the morning everything seemed simpler, and the necessity for
immediate decision disappeared. He had not yet by any means reached the
point of not loving Maddalena at all, and until he did there was no
reason why he should form any plan of action. It would in any case, be
very hard to act upon such a plan, for the dreaded moment would in all
likelihood be a stormy one, and he could not foresee in the least what
Maddalena herself would do.
After that he felt for a long time much more of the old sympathy with
her than he had known of late, and he tormented himself less often with
the direction of his own motives and thoughts. He saw much of Laura,
too, in those days, and spent long hours beside her as she lay upon her
sofa. He always left her with a sensation of having been soothed and
rested, though he could not say of her that she was much inclined to
talk, or showed any great satisfaction at his coming. Probably, he
thought, she was willing to see him so often because he had been Arden's
friend. He did not understand that she did not quite like him and that
his presence was often irksome to her, for she was far too kind by
nature to let him suspect it. He only thought that he was in her eyes a
perfectly indifferent person, and he saw no reason for depriving himself
of her society so long as she consented to receive him. They rarely
talked of subjects at all relating to themselves, either, and their
conversation turned chiefly upon books and general topics. Ghisleri read
a good deal in a desultory way, and his memory was good. It interested
him, too, to propound problems for her judgment and to see how nearly
she would solve them in the way he expected her to choose. He was rarely
mistaken in his expectations.
Little by little, though Laura's principal feeling in regard to him did
not change perceptibly, she became interested in his nature, beginning
to perceive that there were depths in it which she had not suspected.
"Are you a happy man?" she once asked him rather abruptly, and watching
the expression of his face.
"Certainly not at present," he answered, looking away from her as though
to hinder her from reading his thoughts. "Why do you ask that?"
"Forgive me. I should not put such a question, I suppose. But you
interest me."
"Do I?" He glanced quickly at her as he spoke, and she saw that he was
pleased. "I am very glad that you should take any interest in me,--of
any kind whatever. Would you like to know why I am unhappy?"
"Yes."
"I can only tell you in a general way. I make no pretence to any sort of
goodness or moral rectitude, beyond what we men commonly include in what
we call the code of honour. But I am perpetually tormented about my own
motives. Knowing myself to be what I am, I distrust every good impulse I
have, merely because it is not a bad one, because my natural impulses
are bad, and because I will not allow myself to act any sort of comedy,
even in my own feelings. That sort of honesty, or desire for honesty, is
all I have left--on it hangs the last shred of my tattered
self-respect."
"How dreadful!" Laura's deep eyes rested on him for the first time with
a new expression. There was both pity and wonder in their look--pity for
the man and wonder at a state of mind of which she had never dreamed.
"Does it seem dreadful to you?" he asked.
"If you really feel as you say you do," answered Laura, "I can
understand that you should be very unhappy."
"Why do you doubt that I feel what I have told you?" Ghisleri wondered,
as he asked the question, whether he was ever to be believed again by
any woman. "Do you think I am untruthful?"
"No," said Laura, quickly. "Indeed I do not. On the contrary, I think
you very scrupulously exact when you speak of things you know about. But
any one may be mistaken in judging of himself."
"That is precisely the point. I am afraid of finding myself mistaken,
and so I do not trust my own motives."
"Yes--I see. But then, if you do what is right, you need not let your
motives trouble you. That seems so simple."
"To you. Do you remember? I once told you that you were horribly good."
"I am not," said Laura, "but if I were, I should not see anything
horrible in it."
"I should, and I do. When I see how good you are I am horrified at
myself. That is what I mean."
"Why do you so often talk about being bad? You will end by making me
believe that you are--if I do not believe it already."
"As you do, I fancy. What difference can it make to you?"
"Everything makes a difference which lowers one's estimate of human
nature," Laura answered, with a wisdom beyond her age or experience.
"After all, to go back to the point, the choice lies with you. You know
what is right; do it, and give up wasting time on useless
self-examination."
"Useless self-examination!" repeated Ghisleri, with rather a sour smile.
"I suppose that is what it really is, after all. How you saints bowl
over our wretched attempts at artificial morality!"
"No; do not say that, please, and do not be so bitter. I do not like it.
Tell me instead why you cannot do as I suggest. If a thing is right, do
it; if it is wrong, leave it undone."
"If I could tell you that, I should understand the meaning of this life
and the next, instead of being quite in the dark about the one and the
other."
Laura was silent. She was surprised by the result of the question she
had at first put to him, and was at the same time conscious that she did
not feel towards him as she had hitherto felt. Not that she liked him
any better. She was perhaps further than ever from that, though her
likes and dislikes did not depend at all upon the moral estimate she
formed of people's characters. But she understood what he meant far
better than he guessed, and she pitied him and wished that she could say
something to make him take a simpler and more sensible view of himself
and the world. He interested her much more than half an hour earlier.
They did not return to the subject the next time they met, and Ghisleri
fancied she had forgotten what he had said, whereas, in reality, she
often thought of it and of him. Before long she was able to go out, and
they met less frequently. She began to lead the life which she supposed
was in store for her during the remainder of her existence. The only
difference in the future would be that by and by she would not wear
black any longer, that next year she would move into a more modest
apartment, and that as time went on little Herbert would grow up to be a
man and Laura would be an elderly woman.
Matters had been settled at last in England, and the momentary
embarrassment which so much distressed Donald had ceased. The good man
had felt somewhat guilty when Laura had thanked him for using what she
supposed to be his savings in order to save her trouble. But he
remembered what Ghisleri had told him and held his tongue, afterwards
going early in the morning to Pietro's lodgings to repay the loan.
Laura had heard from the Lulworths, too. Ghisleri's letter and one of
his telegrams had reached them at the same time somewhere in South
America. Lulworth wrote himself to Laura and there was a deep, strong
feeling in his few words which made her like him better than ever. He
did not speak of coming back, and she thought it quite natural that he
should stay away. He only said in a postscript that if she chose to go
to England his house was at her disposal, but that he himself might be
in Rome during the following winter.
But she would not have gone to England for anything. Her mother's
presence was a quite sufficient reason for staying where she was, and
she knew also that her modest income would seem less restricted in
Italy. The Princess of Gerano had proposed to her to come and live in
the palace, but Laura would not do that--she would never put herself
under any obligation to Adele's father, much as she herself was attached
to him. Her mother represented to her that she was too young to live
quite alone, but Laura remained unshaken in her determination.
"Herbert protects me," she said quietly, but the Princess did not feel
sure what she meant by the words, nor whether the Herbert in question
was poor Arden, or the baby boy asleep in his cradle in the next room.
There was in either case a certain amount of truth in what she said.
Great sorrow is undeniably a protection to a woman, and so is her child,
under most circumstances.
"And as for my living alone," added Laura, "Signor Ghisleri is the only
man I receive, and people would be ingenious to couple his name with
mine."