THE PRESERVATION OF GOOD TEMPER IN THE HOUSEKEEPER.
There is nothing which has a more abiding influence on the happiness
of a family than the preservation of equable and cheerful temper and
tones in the housekeeper. A woman who is habitually gentle,
sympathizing, forbearing, and cheerful, carries an atmosphere about
her which imparts a soothing and sustaining influence, and renders it
easier for all to do right, under her administration, than in any other
situation.
The writer has known families where the mother's presence seemed the
sunshine of the circle around her; imparting a cheering and vivifying
power, scarcely realized till it was withdrawn. Every one, without
thinking of it, or knowing why it was so, experienced a peaceful and
invigorating influence as soon as he entered the sphere illumined by
her smile, and sustained by her cheering kindness and sympathy. On the
contrary, many a good housekeeper, (good in every respect but this,)
by wearing a countenance of anxiety and dissatisfaction, and by
indulging in the frequent use of sharp and reprehensive tones, more
than destroys all the comfort which otherwise would result from her
system, neatness, and economy.
There is a secret, social sympathy which every mind, to a greater or
less degree, experiences with the feelings of those around, as they
are manifested by the countenance and voice. A sorrowful, a
discontented, or an angry countenance produces a silent, sympathetic
influence, imparting a sombre shade to the mind, while tones of anger
or complaint still more effectually jar the spirits.
No person can maintain a quiet and cheerful frame of mind while tones
of discontent and displeasure are sounding on the ear. We may gradually
accustom ourselves to the evil till it is partially diminished; but
it always is an evil which greatly interferes with the enjoyment of
the family state. There are sometimes cases where the entrance of the
mistress of a family seems to awaken a slight apprehension in every
mind around, as if each felt in danger of a reproof, for something
either perpetrated or neglected. A woman who should go around her house
with a small stinging snapper, which she habitually applied to those
whom she met, would be encountered with feelings very much like those
which are experienced by the inmates of a family where the mistress
often uses her countenance and voice to inflict similar penalties for
duties neglected.
Yet there are many allowances to be made for housekeepers, who sometimes
imperceptibly and unconsciously fall into such habits. A woman who
attempts to carry out any plans of system, order, and economy, and who
has her feelings and habits conformed to certain rules, is constantly
liable to have her plans crossed, and her taste violated, by the
inexperience or inattention of those about her. And no housekeeper,
whatever may be her habits, can escape the frequent recurrence of
negligence or mistake, which interferes with her plans.
It is probable that there is no class of persons in the world who have
such incessant trials of temper, and temptations to be fretful, as
American housekeepers. For a housekeeper's business is not, like that
of the other sex, limited to a particular department, for which previous
preparation is made. It consists of ten thousand little disconnected
items, which can never be so systematically arranged that there is no
daily jostling somewhere. And in the best-regulated families, it is
not unfrequently the case that some act of forgetfulness or
carelessness, from some member, will disarrange the business of the
whole day, so that every hour will bring renewed occasion for annoyance.
And the more strongly a woman realizes the value of time, and the
importance of system and order, the more will she be tempted to
irritability and complaint.
The following considerations may aid in preparing a woman to meet such
daily crosses with even a cheerful temper and tones.
In the first place, a woman who has charge of a large household should
regard her duties as dignified, important, and difficult. The mind is
so made as to be elevated and cheered by a sense of far-reaching
influence and usefulness. A woman who feels that she is a cipher, and
that it makes little difference how she performs her duties, has far
less to sustain and invigorate her, than one who truly estimates the
importance of her station. A man who feels that the destinies of a
nation are turning on the judgment and skill with which he plans and
executes, has a pressure of motive and an elevation of feeling which
are great safeguards against all that is low, trivial, and degrading.
So, an American mother and housekeeper who rightly estimates the long
train of influence which will pass down to thousands, whose destinies,
from generation to generation, will be modified by those decisions of
her will which regulate the temper, principles, and habits of her
family, must be elevated above petty temptations which would otherwise
assail her.
Again, a housekeeper should feel that she really has great difficulties
to meet and overcome. A person who wrongly thinks there is little
danger, can never maintain so faithful a guard as one who rightly
estimates the temptations which beset her. Nor can one who thinks that
they are trifling difficulties which she has to encounter, and trivial
temptations to which she must yield, so much enjoy the just reward of
conscious virtue and self-control as one who takes an opposite view
of the subject.
A third method is, for a woman deliberately to calculate on having her
best-arranged plans interfered with very often; and to be in such a
state of preparation that the evil will not come unawares. So
complicated are the pursuits and so diverse the habits of the various
members of a family, that it is almost impossible for every one to
avoid interfering with the plans and taste of a housekeeper, in some
one point or another. It is, therefore, most wise for a woman to keep
the loins of her mind ever girt, to meet such collisions with a cheerful
and quiet spirit.
Another important rule is, to form all plans and arrangements in
consistency with the means at command, and the character of those
around. A woman who has a heedless husband, and young children, and
incompetent domestics, ought not to make such plans as one may properly
form who will not, in so many directions, meet embarrassment. She must
aim at just as much as she can probably attain, and no more; and thus
she will usually escape much temptation, and much of the irritation
of disappointment.
The fifth, and a very important consideration, is, that system, economy,
and neatness are valuable, only so far as they tend to promote the
comfort and well-being of those affected. Some women seem to act
under the impression that these advantages _must_ be secured, at all
events, even if the comfort of the family be the sacrifice. True, it
is very important that children grow up in habits of system, neatness,
and order; and it is very desirable that the mother give them every
incentive, both by precept and example; but it is still more important
that they grow up with amiable tempers, that they learn to meet the
crosses of life with patience and cheerfulness; and nothing has a
greater influence to secure this than a mother's example. Whenever,
therefore, a woman can not accomplish her plans of neatness and order
without injury to her own temper or to the temper of others, she ought
to modify and reduce them until she can.
The sixth method relates to the government of the tones of voice. In
many cases, when a woman's domestic arrangements are suddenly and
seriously crossed, it is impossible not to feel some irritation. But
it _is_ always possible to refrain from angry tones. A woman can
resolve that, whatever happens, she will not speak till she can do it
in a calm and gentle manner. _Perfect silence_ is a safe resort,
when such control can not be attained as enables a person to speak
calmly; and this determination, persevered in, will eventually be
crowned with success.
Many persons seem to imagine that tones of anger are needful, in order
to secure prompt obedience. But observation has convinced the writer
that they are _never_ necessary; that _in all cases_, reproof,
administered in calm tones, would be better. A case will be given in
illustration.
A young girl had been repeatedly charged to avoid a certain arrangement
in cooking. On one day, when company was invited to dine, the direction
was forgotten, and the consequence was an accident, which disarranged
every thing, seriously injured the principal dish, and delayed dinner
for an hour. The mistress of the family entered the kitchen just as
it occurred, and at a glance, saw the extent of the mischief. For a
moment, her eyes flashed, and her cheeks glowed; but she held her
peace. After a minute or so, she gave directions in a calm voice, as
to the best mode of retrieving the evil, and then left, without a word
said to the offender.
After the company left, she sent for the girl, alone, and in a calm
and kind manner pointed out the aggravations of the case, and described
the trouble which had been caused to her husband, her visitors, and
herself. She then portrayed the future evils which would result from
such habits of neglect and inattention, and the modes of attempting
to overcome them; and then offered a reward for the future, if, in a
given time, she succeeded in improving in this respect. Not a tone of
anger was uttered; and yet the severest scolding of a practiced Xantippe
could not have secured such contrition, and determination to reform,
as were gained by this method.
But similar negligence is often visited by a continuous stream of
complaint and reproof, which, in most cases, is met either by sullen
silence or impertinent retort, while anger prevents any contrition or
any resolution of future amendment.
It is very certain, that some ladies do carry forward a most efficient
government, both of children and domestics, without employing tones
of anger; and therefore they are not indispensable, nor on any account
desirable.
Though some ladies of intelligence and refinement do fall unconsciously
into such a practice, it is certainly very unlady-like, and in very
bad taste, to _scold_; and the further a woman departs from all
approach to it, the more perfectly she sustains her character as a
lady.
Another method of securing equanimity, amid the trials of domestic
life is, to cultivate a habit of making allowances for the difficulties,
ignorance, or temptations of those who violate rule or neglect duty.
It is vain, and most unreasonable, to expect the consideration and
care of a mature mind in childhood and youth; or that persons of such
limited advantages as most domestics have enjoyed should practice
proper self-control and possess proper habits and principles.
Every parent and every employer needs daily to cultivate the spirit
expressed in the divine prayer, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we
forgive those who trespass against us." The same allowances and
forbearance which we supplicate from our Heavenly Father, and desire
from our fellow-men in reference to our own deficiencies, we should
constantly aim to extend to all who cross our feelings and interfere
with our plans.
The last and most important mode of securing a placid and cheerful
temper and tones is, by a constant belief in the influence of a
superintending Providence. All persons are too much in the habit of
regarding the more important events of life exclusively as under the
control of Perfect Wisdom. But the fall of a sparrow, or the loss of
a hair, they do not feel to be equally the result of his directing
agency. In consequence of this, Christian persons who aim at perfect
and cheerful submission to heavy afflictions, and who succeed to the
edification of all about them, are sometimes sadly deficient under
petty crosses. If a beloved child be laid in the grave, even if its
death resulted from the carelessness of a domestic or of a physician,
the eye is turned from the subordinate agent to the Supreme Guardian
of all; and to him they bow, without murmur or complaint. But if a
pudding be burnt, or a room badly swept, or an errand forgotten, then
vexation and complaint are allowed, just as if these events were not
appointed by Perfect Wisdom as much as the sorer chastisement.
A woman, therefore, needs to cultivate the _habitual_ feeling
that all the events of her nursery and kitchen are brought about by
the permission of our Heavenly Father, and that fretfulness or complaint
in regard to these is, in fact, complaining at the appointments of
God, and is really as sinful as unsubmissive murmurs amid the sorer
chastisements of his hand. And a woman who cultivates this habit of
referring all the minor trials of life to the wise and benevolent
agency of a heavenly Parent, and daily seeks his sympathy and aid to
enable her to meet them with a quiet and cheerful spirit, will soon
find it the perennial spring of abiding peace and content.
The power of religion to impart dignity and importance to the ordinary
and seemingly petty details of domestic life, greatly depends upon the
degree of faith in the reality of a life to come, and of its eternal
results. A woman who is training a family simply with reference to
this life may find exalted motives as she looks forward to unborn
generations whose temporal prosperity and happiness are depending upon
her fidelity and skill. But one who truly and firmly believes that
this life is but the beginning of an eternal career to every immortal
inmate of her home, and that the formation of tastes, habits, and
character, under her care, will bring forth fruits of good or ill, not
only through earthly generations, but through everlasting ages; such
a woman secures a calm and exalted principle of action, which no earthly
motives can impart.