_Mr. Ch. Goole._ So _this_ is the Iron Maiden! Well, I expected
something rather more dreadful-looking. The face has really quite a
pleasant expression. [_Disappointedly._
[Illustration: "Oh, but I think that makes it so much _more_ horrible,
don't you?"]
_Mrs. Ch. G._ (_with subtler appreciation_). Oh, but I think that
makes it so much _more_ horrible, don't _you_?
_Mr. Ch. G._ Well, I don't know--perhaps. But there ought to be a
wax figure inside it. They ought to have wax figures on most of these
things--make it much more interesting!
_Mr. Frivell_ (_who is close by_). I quite agree with you,
Sir--indeed, I would go farther. I think there should be competent
persons engaged to provide practical illustrations of all the more
amusing tortures--say from three to five every afternoon. Draw all
London!
_Mrs. F._ (_horrified_). FRED, you _know_ you don't mean it! And
besides, you would _never_ get people willing to be shut up inside
that thing!
_Mr. F._ My dear, I'm perfectly serious, as I always am. And as to
not getting subjects, why--(_He beckons to one of the Boy-Messengers
in waiting, who advances_). Look here, my lad, you seem a bright
intelligent youth. Would you mind just stepping inside and allowing us
to close the door? We won't detain you an instant.
_Mrs. F._ What a shame, FRED! Don't _think_ of such a thing, there's a
good boy! Say no--and I'll give you sixpence!
_The Boy_ (_grinning_). Well, Lady, make it a shillin', and I'll stay
outside--to oblige you!
_Mrs. F._ (_giving him a shilling_). There's a good sensible boy!
FREDERIC, have you gone _quite_ mad? You know you wouldn't hurt a fly?
[_The GOOLES move away, feeling that they have been trifled
with._
_Mr. F._ A fly? Not for the world!--but this is only a boy. I want to
know what they're here _for_. Now, my lad, you're not engaged to be
_idle_, you know. Just think of the amount of innocent pleasure you
would afford by getting into this spiked cradle and letting me rock
you. You won't? Well, will you sit on the Spanish Donkey? come! I'll
give you a leg up and fasten the weights on your legs for you. You
aren't afraid of a donkey?
[_Bystanders collect in hope of amusement._
_The Boy_ (_sulkily_). Not of _some_ Donkeys, Sir, as ain't quite so
sharp as that one, whatever they think theirselves!
[_Titters. Mr. F.F. feels that he has got rather the worst
of it, and collapses, with the dismal completeness of a Funny
Man; Mrs. F. remains behind to bribe the boy with another
shilling to promise her solemnly never on any account to play
with any of the tortures._
_Mrs. F._ (_rejoining her husband_). FREDERIC, how _can_ you? You make
me feel perfectly _faint_ when you act like this!
_Mr. F._ (_recovering_). Faint, CECILIA? Well, I daresay they won't
mind if you sit down in one of these spiked chairs for a minute or
two.
_Mrs. F._ (_angrily_). I shall do no such thing, FREDERIC! And you
ought to be _ashamed_ to suggest it!
_Mrs. Borrodale_ (_choosing photographs of Nuremberg_). Look, JOHN,
what a lovely large one of the _Sebald's Kirche_! I really _must_
have this. Oh, and the _Insel Schutt_--and this of the _Schöne
Brunnen_--and the view from the _Burg_--that makes the half-dozen.
They will be joys for _ever_, JOHN! And _only_ three shillings each!
Will you pay the boy for them, JOHN, please--it's just eighteen
shillings.
_John_. Can't, my dear. Only half-a-crown in my pocket. Don't you
remember, I lent you my last sov. not five minutes ago?
_Mrs. B._ Oh, so you did. Well, on second thoughts, perhaps this
size is rather--I think I'll take five of the sixpenny ones
instead--they're every bit as good. You can spare me that half-crown,
JOHN!
_A Patriot_ (_coming out_). Well, it's just the same 'ere as
everywhere else. All the things "made in Germany"! Sickenin' _I_ call
it!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A MEETING OF THE "BANDY" ASSOCIATION