_Patient Subscriber._ Hullo.
_Gruff Voice._ Are you Bond and Lapel?
_Patient Subscriber._ I'm afraid you've got the wrong number. We're
Gerrard 932041. The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the
Genteel Poor.
* * * * *
Ting-a-ling.
_Same Patient Subscriber._ Hullo.
_Same Gruff Voice._ Bond and Lapel?
_S. P. S._ No, they've given you the wrong number again. We're
Gerrard 932041. Ring off, please.
* * * * *
Ting-a-ling.
_S. P. S._ Hullo.
_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel? I'm Major----
_S. P. S._ My dear Sir, will you believe me that we're _not_ Bond and
Lapel? We're Gerrard 9-3-2-0-4-1. Don't let me have to speak to you
again, there's a good fellow.
* * * * *
Ting-a-ling.
_Exchange._ You're thr-r-r-rough.
_S. G. V._} Hullo.
_S. P. S._}
_S. G. V._ Bond and Lapel, dammit! I want----Don't you "tut" me, Sir.
I TELL YOU YOU ARE.
_S. P. S._ Oh, all right. Well, what can I do for you?
_S. G. V._ EH?
_S. P. S._ I said, What can I do for you?
_S. G. V._ I'm Major Smith. I want you to make me----
_S. P. S._ Marjorie who? Speak up, please.
_S. G. V._ MAJOR, M-A-J-O-R, MAJOR. MAJOR SMITH. CAN YOU HEAR THAT? I
WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A BLUE SERGE SUIT BY TO-MORROW WEEK.
_S. P. S._ A little louder.... That's better. If you'll wait a moment
I'll just jot down your measurements.
_S. G. V._ Measurements! What the----! I'm Major Smith.
_S. P. S._ Hold the line a moment and I'll see if we have them. Are
you holding on?... Hullo. Major Smith, you said? Sorry, but the fact
is we've got two Major Smiths on our books. Would you kindly tell me
which one you are?
_S. G. V._ I'm Major--Smith--of--3--Mecklington--Gardens--Kensington.
_S. P. S._ Oh, yes. Close to the Oval.
_S. G. V._ KENS-S-SINGTON!
_S. P. S._ Oh, Kensington with an "s." Yes. I know. Well now, how
would you like it made? Will you have the trousers to match? We're
doing a very smart line in buff canary trouserings, just----
_S. G. V._ I said A BLUE SERGE SUIT, Sir!
_S. P. S._ Sorry. I was thinking of the other Major Smith. Then we'll
say trousers to match. Yes, I've got that. Do you wear them turned up
or down? Down. Trousers turned down and sleeves turned up. No, both
down. Yes. Now what about box pleats? Shall we say box pleats?
_S. G. V._ Don't you put any of your new-fangled dodges on _my_
clothes, young man, because I won't have it.
_S. P. S._ _No_ box pleats. I'll make a special note of it. Then
to-morrow fortnight without fail.
_S. G. V._ To-morrow WEEK. And if you don't send that dress suit of
mine by six to-night----
_S. P. S._ Dress suit? Dress suit? What dress suit? This is the first
I've heard of any dress suit.
_S. G. V._ WHAT?
_S. P. S._ It can't be done, old chap. You'll have to borrow one for
to-night.
_S. G. V._ Y-y-you insolent p-puppy. P-put me through to the manager.
AT once.
_S. P. S._ Thanks so much. Then I'll put you down for a subscription.
The Society for the Prevention of Wet Feet amongst the Genteel Poor,
you know.
_S. G. V._ ----! ----! ----! (Biff ... bang ... ting-a-ling ...
buz-z-z-z-z-z.)
_S. P. S._ Exchange.
_Exchange._ Number, please.
_S. P. S._ Put me through to the Repairs Department.... Oh, Repairs
Department. I'm ringing up on behalf of Major Smith, of 3, Mecklington
Gardens, Kensington. Send someone round at once, please. His telephone
has burst.
* * * * *
"ST. PAUL'S.