_Cafe de la Source, Bd. St. Michel, Paris, 15th Feb. 1878._
MY DEAR FATHER,--A thought has come into my head which I think would
interest you. Christianity is among other things, a very wise, noble,
and strange doctrine of life. Nothing is so difficult to specify as the
position it occupies with regard to asceticism. It is not ascetic.
Christ was of all doctors (if you will let me use the word) one of the
least ascetic. And yet there is a theory of living in the Gospels which
is curiously indefinable, and leans towards asceticism on one side,
although it leans away from it on the other. In fact, asceticism is used
therein as a means, not as an end. The wisdom of this world consists in
making oneself very little in order to avoid many knocks; in preferring
others, in order that, even when we lose, we shall find some pleasure in
the event; in putting our desires outside of ourselves, in another ship,
so to speak, so that, when the worst happens, there will be something
left. You see, I speak of it as a doctrine of life, and as a wisdom for
this world. People must be themselves, I suppose. I feel every day as if
religion had a greater interest for me; but that interest is still
centred on the little rough-and-tumble world in which our fortunes are
cast for the moment. I cannot transfer my interests, not even my
religious interest, to any different sphere.... I have had some sharp
lessons and some very acute sufferings in these last seven-and-twenty
years--more even than you would guess. I begin to grow an old man; a
little sharp, I fear, and a little close and unfriendly; but still I
have a good heart, and believe in myself and my fellow-men and the God
who made us all.... There are not many sadder people in this world,
perhaps, than I. I have my eye on a sickbed;[22] I have written letters
to-day that it hurt me to write, and I fear it will hurt others to
receive; I am lonely and sick and out of heart. Well, I still hope; I
still believe; I still see the good in the inch, and cling to it. It is
not much, perhaps, but it is always something.
I find I have wandered a thousand miles from what I meant. It was this:
of all passages bearing on Christianity in that form of a worldly
wisdom, the most Christian, and so to speak, the key of the whole
position, is the Christian doctrine of revenge. And it appears that this
came into the world through Paul! There is a fact for you. It was to
speak of this that I began this letter; but I have got into deep seas
and must go on.
There is a fine text in the Bible, I don't know where, to the effect
that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord.
Strange as it may seem to you, everything has been, in one way or the
other, bringing me a little nearer to what I think you would like me to
be. 'Tis a strange world, indeed, but there is a manifest God for those
who care to look for him.
This is a very solemn letter for my surroundings in this busy cafe; but
I had it on my heart to write it; and, indeed, I was out of the humour
for anything lighter.--Ever your affectionate son,