_[Edinburgh], Monday, 22nd September 1873._
I have just had another disagreeable to-night. It is difficult indeed to
steer steady among the breakers: I am always touching ground; generally
it is my own blame, for I cannot help getting friendly with my father
(whom I _do_ love), and so speaking foolishly with my mouth. I have yet
to learn in ordinary conversation that reserve and silence that I must
try to unlearn in the matter of the feelings.
The news that _Roads_ would do reached me in good season; I had begun
utterly to despair of doing anything. Certainly I do not think I should
be in a hurry to commit myself about the Covenanters; the whole subject
turns round about me and so branches out to this side and that, that I
grow bewildered; and one cannot write discreetly about any one little
corner of an historical period, until one has an organic view of the
whole. I have, however--given life and health--great hope of my
Covenanters; indeed, there is a lot of precious dust to be beaten out of
that stack even by a very infirm hand.
_Much later._--I can scarcely see to write just now; so please excuse.
We have had an awful scene. All that my father had to say has been put
forth--not that it was anything new; only it is the devil to hear. I
don't know what to do--the world goes hopelessly round about me; there
is no more possibility of doing, living, being anything but a _beast_,
and there's the end of it.
It is eleven, I think, for a clock struck. O Lord, there has been a deal
of time through our hands since I went down to supper! All this has come
from my own folly; I somehow could not think the gulf so impassable, and
I read him some notes on the Duke of Argyll[8]--I thought he would agree
so far, and that we might have some rational discussion on the rest. And
now--after some hours--he has told me that he is a weak man, and that I
am driving him too far, and that I know not what I am doing. O dear God,
this is bad work!
I have lit a pipe and feel calmer. I say, my dear friend, I am killing
my father--he told me to-night (by the way) that I alienated utterly my
mother--and this is the result of my attempt to start fair and fresh
and to do my best for all of them.