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The Complete Bachelor
Manners for Men
By the Author of the
"As Seen by Him" Papers
With Index
[Illustration: Publisher's logo]
New York
D. Appleton and Company
1896
COPYRIGHT, 1896,
BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY.
PREFACE.
I suppose a book of this character needs some excuse. The world is full
of volumes written on etiquette, and, in adding another to the number,
my plea for filling the want long felt may seem ridiculous. But I have
an excellent reason, and that is, that in all treatises of this
character I have found the bachelor sadly neglected.
For many years, while conducting the query or "agony department" in
Vogue, I received letters from all parts of the United States asking for
information on certain details of etiquette which seem to have been
overlooked by the compilers or writers of etiquette manuals. My
correspondents always wanted these questions answered from the New York
standpoint. All this I have endeavored to do in this volume. I have
devoted a chapter to sports. In this I have made no attempt to give the
rules of the various pastimes therein enumerated. I have simply jotted
down some points which I hope may be of use to the outsider.
In the chapter on dancing I have taken the Patriarchs' Ball in New York
as my standard of subscription entertainments of this character. I have
also written about cotillons as they are conducted in New York. I have
endeavored to be plain and lucid. I only desired that this book should
be a help to my reader in any dilemma of social import, and if I shall
have proved of assistance, I shall feel that my mission has been
accomplished, and that I have reached the goal of my ambition.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER PAGE
I. THE BACHELOR IN PUBLIC 1
II. HOW A BACHELOR SHOULD DRESS 10
III. THE BACHELOR'S TOILET 17
IV. THE CARE OF A BACHELOR'S CLOTHES 24
V. INTRODUCTIONS, INVITATIONS, AND CALLS 41
VI. CARDS 49
VII. THE DINER-OUT 54
VIII. A CODE OF TABLE MANNERS 62
IX. THE CITY BACHELOR AS HOST 74
X. THE COUNTRY HOUSE 85
XI. A BACHELOR'S SERVANTS 94
XII. THE DANCE 102
XIII. THE COTILLON 112
XIV. A BACHELOR'S LETTERS 119
XV. THE BACHELOR'S CLUB 126
XVI. THE SPORTING BACHELOR 136
XVII. A BACHELOR'S TRAVELS AT HOME AND ABROAD 160
XVIII. THE ENGAGED BACHELOR 169
XIX. THE BACHELOR'S WEDDING 172
XX. FUNERALS 193
THE COMPLETE BACHELOR.
CHAPTER I.
THE BACHELOR IN PUBLIC.
The average man is judged by his appearance and his deportment in
public. His dress, his bearing, his conduct toward women and his
fellow-men, are telling characteristics.
In the street, when walking with a woman--the term "lady" being
objectionable, except in case of distinction--every man should be on his
mettle. Common sense, which is the basis of all etiquette, teaches him
that he should be her protector. Therefore, under general circumstances,
his place is on the street or outer side. Should there be a crowd on the
inner side, should the walking be muddy or rough, or should there be a
building in process of repair, or one or the other of the inconveniences
of city life, then the man should take the side which will enable him to
shield his fair companion from all annoyance. At night a man offers his
arm to a woman. In the daytime etiquette allows this only when the
sidewalk is very rough, when there are steps to climb, a crowd to be
piloted through, or a street crossing to effect. In any one of these
emergencies suggest, "I think you will find it better to take my arm." A
man never walks bodkin--that is, sandwiched between two women.
It is the privilege of a woman to bow first. She may have reasons why
she should not wish to continue an acquaintance, and a man should never
take the initiative. Abroad, in many countries, the man bows first. When
old friends meet, however, the bowing is simultaneous.
A man lifts his hat in acknowledgment of any salutation made to the
woman with whom he is walking. It is his place, on such an occasion, to
bow to a man friend, whether the latter enjoys or does not have the
pleasure of the acquaintance of the woman. A man's failure to do this
signifies that the woman does not wish to know him, or that her
companion does not wish her to know the other man.
Hotel corridors and halls may be classed as semi-public places. A man
meeting a woman in one of these, where by custom he is permitted to
keep on his hat, must step aside and let her pass, raising his hat as he
does so. This does not apply to theater corridors, theater or hotel
lobbies, or offices. In such houses as the Waldorf in New York, where
the hall is utilized as a general sitting room by both sexes, it is not
good form for a man to keep on his hat. In London, however, the rule is
not as strict.
Men in this country do not lift their hats to one another, except when
they are introduced in the open or a public place. Civility is never
wasted, and it is proper, as well as an act of reverence, to thus salute
a clergyman or a venerable and distinguished gentleman.
A man always lifts his hat when offering a woman a service, such as
picking up or restoring to her a dropped pocket handkerchief or other
article, or when passing a fare in a public conveyance, or when
rendering any trifling assistance. Should she be with a male escort, the
latter should raise his hat and thank the person who has rendered the
service. This bit of politeness is under no circumstances the prelude to
an acquaintance with an unescorted woman, and no gentleman would take
advantage of it. A man always raises his hat and remains uncovered when
talking to a woman.
It is not good form to stop a woman on the street, even if the exchange
of a few commonplace remarks be the excuse. A man never joins a woman on
a thoroughfare unless she be one from whose friendship he is sure that
he can claim this privilege.
A gentleman always assists a woman in and out of a carriage or a public
conveyance. He opens the door of the vehicle for her, helps her in by a
deft motion of the right arm, and with his left protects her skirts from
any possible mud or dust on the wheel. As he leaves her he closes the
door, and, if it be a private conveyance, gives directions to the
driver. He lifts his hat in bidding her good-by. Even when there is a
footman, a second man, or an attendant, it should be esteemed a favor to
give this assistance.
In entering shops, theaters, or other buildings, where there are
swinging doors, the escort goes ahead and holds one of them ajar,
passing in last. A woman always precedes a man, except in one or two
special cases. A man precedes a woman walking down the aisle of a
theater, and it is better form that he should take the inside seat,
especially if there is a man occupying the place next to the vacant
one. A man precedes a woman up a narrow staircase in a public building,
but in a private house, in ascending or descending a stairway, he should
always allow the woman to precede him. In entering a theater box a man
follows the usher, preceding the woman down the theater corridor to the
door of the box. He then holds this open, and the women precede him, he
following them. In a church, in going down a narrow aisle, the woman
precedes the man.
The lift or elevator, as well as the corridors and lobbies of a public
building, the office of a hotel, and the vestibule of a theater, are
public highways. In these places a man keeps on his hat, his deportment
being the same as he would observe in the street. But when the lift or
elevator is fitted up as a drawing room, such as is used in hotels and
other semi-public buildings, a man removes his hat when the other sex is
of the number of its passengers.
When escorting a woman to a house where she is to make a visit, always
mount the stoop or steps with her, ring the bell, and remain there until
the servant comes to the door. Then, if you are not going in, take off
your hat and leave her. Restaurants, the dining rooms of hotels, roof
gardens, and places of amusement in the open air, where refreshments are
served, are semi-public.
A man always rises from the table at which he is sitting when a woman
bows to him and immediately returns the salutation. Should the place be
in the open, he doffs his hat, which under such circumstances he is
obliged to wear. When he is in a party and a lady and her escort chance
to stop at his table to exchange greetings with his friends, he should
rise and remain standing during the conversation. If a man is introduced
to him, unattended by a woman, and he is with a stag party, politeness
bids him also rise.
A gentleman will never be seen in public with characters whom he could
not introduce to his mother or his sister. A man when he is with a lady
should be very careful, especially at roof gardens and such places in
midsummer, about recognizing male acquaintances who seem to be in rather
doubtful company.
In walking, a man should carry either a stick or a well-rolled umbrella.
The stick should be grasped just below the crook or knob, but the
ferrule must be kept downward. In business hours or on business
thoroughfares to carry a stick is an affectation, but the man of
leisure is regarded leniently in these abodes as a privileged character.
The umbrella is an instrument of peace rather than a weapon of war, and
should not be carried as "trailed arms," but like the stick it should be
grasped a short distance below the handle, and the latter held almost
upright on a very slight perpendicular.
In the presence of ladies, unless by special permission, a gentleman
never smokes, and under no circumstances does he indulge in a weed while
on the street or walking with them. If, while smoking, a man should meet
a woman and there should be any stopping to talk, he must at once throw
away his cigar or his cigarette. A pipe is never smoked on fashionable
promenades, and a man in a top hat and a frock coat with a pipe in his
mouth is an anomaly. The pipe accompanies tweeds and a "pot" hat in the
country or on business thoroughfares. A meerschaum or a wooden pipe is
then allowable, but never a clay or a dudeen. The cuspidor is a banished
instrument. The filthy custom of tobacco chewing and consequent
expectoration can not be tolerated in civilized society.
A gentleman is never hurried, nor does he loiter. The fashionable gait
is comparatively slow, with long steps. The exaggerated stride of the
Anglomaniac is as bad form as the swagger of the Bowery "tough." The
correct demeanor is without gesture or apparent effort.
Staring at or ogling women, standing at the entrances of theaters,
churches, or other public buildings, stopping still and turning back to
look at some one or something in the street, can be classified as
offenses of which no gentleman can be guilty.
Free and easy attitudes are not tolerated in good society, and this same
rule should apply to public conveyances. As the man who crosses his legs
in the presence of ladies is absolutely impossible, so should be the
individual who commits the same crime in a public conveyance. He not
only proves a nuisance to those around him, but he is a source of damage
as well as danger to the comfort and safety of his fellow-passengers.
In a crowded car, ferryboat, or stage, it is yet a mooted question as to
whether or not a man should give up his seat to a woman. In theory he
should, but there are circumstances under which he may be pardoned. To a
refined or delicate lady, to an old or an enfeebled woman, or one
burdened with bundles or with a baby in the arms, the answer to this
should be a decided affirmative. In the South, this gallant action is
universally practiced, except when the woman is a negress. In public
conveyances a man should sit to the right of a woman.
An escort should pay all fares in public conveyances, and should look
after the comfort and welfare of his companion, taking entire charge of
tickets, luggage, and luggage checks. Should a woman insist upon paying
her _pro rata_ of the expenses the arrangement can be made before
starting, many sensible women handing their escorts their purses for the
purpose. Do not offer to pay the fare of any of your women friends who
might possibly enter your train or stage. This is embarrassing and not
necessary. A railway car or carriage being a public conveyance, a man
always keeps on his hat, as he also does in a cab or any other vehicle
in which he is driving, accompanied or not accompanied by one of the
opposite sex.