FABLE. Well, then, come along, and I will tell you a most pleasant
story about the ghost of a man who was drowned near this spot.
[_Exeunt all but EUCLID, R._
EUCLID. Here I am alone at last. What an awful day I have had. Two
murders and a row! I wonder where my unfortunate accomplice is?
_Enter FANNY, L._
Ah, Fanny, heigho! How do you do, Fanny?
FANNY. Very ill, indeed, Mr. Facile; think of my nerves being in such
a weak state, from you know what.
EUCLID. Yes.
FANNY. And then my having to cut capers with that nasty thing over my
head; I should not wonder if I took to my bed and died.
EUCLID. Then you may think yourself very fortunate, I assure you. I
expect no such luck as to die in my bed.
FANNY. I tried to amuse myself; I took up an old volume of the Newgate
Calender.
EUCLID. Horrid book! It will be increased some pages soon, I dare say.
FANNY. It was about a man who murdered another man.
EUCLID. Only killed one man! A mere babe of innocence compared with
you and me; but I shall sit up all night, and you must do the same,
and we'll convey, you know what, out of here, and pitch it in the
river.
_Enter ROBERT, R., with cloth, knives, &c.; lays cloth._
Seem as if nothing had happened.
FANNY. Yes; but don't talk, Robert is looking.
ROBERT. Here, Fanny, help me to move this sofa. How remarkably heavy
it is; it feels heavier than usual.
FANNY. Heavy! I think it feels lighter than usual. Oh dear! there that
will do.
_Enter HOLDFAST, MRS. FACILE, JULIA, and FABLE, R. Exit ROBERT, L._
FABLE. A delightful family; the young lady evidently voted me a bore
every time I opened my mouth, and the old man calls ancient traditions
a humbug. (_aside._) Goths!
HOLD. You must be hungry, sir--have an appetite for your supper.
FABLE. Why, to tell you the truth, I am rather so; have not tasted a
morsel since one o'clock.
HOLD. Fortunate! we have a game supper to-night--grouse and ptarmigan,
which I think you'll enjoy.
FABLE. (_aside._) That's the first pleasant thing I've heard since I
came here.
EUCLID. (_aside._) But I have no appetite.
_Enter ROBERT, L._
ROBERT. (_entering._) Please, Mr. Fable, your man says there's not a
lodging to be had in the village.
HOLD. How unfortunate, and every bed here is occupied. (_FANNY, who is
going in and out with supper things, during this dialogue enters R.
with a tray._) Stop! I have it; that sofa will make up into a bed; you
shall have that. (_FANNY screams and drops the tray._)
FABLE. Capital family! servants drop the supper.
MRS. F. Careless slut, what did you drop the tray for?
FANNY. I tell you what, ma'am, I don't get no wages of you--you're
only a visitor, and I won't stand being talked to by you. So if you
attempts to blow me up, I'll give you a bit of my mind, more mayhap
than you like.
FABLE. There's another row! more quietness. Servants so civil--oh,
beautiful!
HOLD. Ha, ha, ha! a pretty business; it's too late to get anything.
Well, ladies and gents, I am very sorry--very sorry to send you
supperless to bed; but you see all the circumstances--the supper is
dropped, so I've no other course than to drop the subject.
FABLE. Splendid entertainment!
HOLD. We have nothing to do but to retire for the night, and leave
you, Fable, to repose on the sofa bed.
FANNY. Sir! Oh, oh!--sir, the sofa can't be made up--we have no bed.
EUCLID. (_aside._) Some good spirit inspired that thought--a reprieve.
FABLE. Oh, very well then, I'll lay down on the sofa as it is.
(_aside._) Charming accomodation!
HOLD. Why, my dear sir, I see no other course. I am very sorry you
came--
EUCLID. (_aside._) So am I.
HOLD. Under such awkward circumstances; always happy to see you, you
know.
MRS. F. Well, I think we may as well retire; don't you, Mr. Facile?
EUCLID. Ahem! My dear, I must--that is--yes, I must sit up rather
late, to finish a job I have in hand--an article for the Philosophical
Repository.
MRS. F. Ah, if your gallantry were equal to your philosophy, what a
different husband you would be.
[_Exeunt MRS. FACILE and JULIA, with candle, R._
HOLD. Good night; you will not find your night's rest spoiled by a hot
supper, Fergus, ha, ha, ha!
[_Exit, R._
EUCLID. (_whispers._) Fanny, as soon as he is asleep, you must come
here with me, bring your scissors, and we'll cut a certain gentleman
out of the side of the sofa; for we shall not be able to fish him up
while this fellow is asleep over him.
FANNY. Suppose we wake him.
EUCLID. Then we must kill him too.
[_Exit, R._
FABLE. Rather a pretty girl that! I'll talk to her. You need not hurry
yourself, my dear.
FANNY. I don't wish to keep you from sleeping, sir.
FABLE. I ain't at all sleepy.
FANNY. Horrid man! how inconvenient! (_aside._) You must be sleepy;
you ought to be sleepy; and the best thing you can do is, to go to
sleep as fast as you can, and continue sleeping as soundly as
possible.
[_Exit FANNY, R._
FABLE. I'll go to-morrow. Hang me if ever I met with such a family in
my life! (_lies down on sofa._) Such capering, quarrelling, blowing up
and fasting. Ugh! let me go to sleep and forget their existence.
(_EUCLID and FANNY are seen at the door R. with scissors and dark
lanthorn._) Charming family--supper dropped--(_dosing._)
EUCLID. He's going off.
FANNY. Yes, so shall I to-morrow. To _Merrikey_ most likely.
EUCLID. But now to business.
FANNY. Heigho! this is not making a business of a pleasure.
EUCLID. Look at his ugly face--he is asleep.
(_holds lanthorn in Fable's face._
FABLE. (_starting up and knocking lanthorn out of Euclid's hand with
his head._) What the devil is that? Oh, my head! There was a
flash--and a rap on the skull--and a jingle! What the devil can it
mean? (_stage dark._)
EUCLID. Now what shall we do? We are extinguished.
FANNY. Oh, my poor nerves! How thick-headed of the man to wake! We
shall never get the poor gentleman out.
FABLE. There is a kind of whispering noise. Egad! there must be a
legend attached to this house. I'm uncomfortable.
FANNY. }
} So am I.
EUCLID. }
EUCLID. We'll find the way out. Where's the door?
(_groping about--sneezes._
FABLE. The cat's in the room, sure. (_the mattress rises up and
down._) What on earth is this? there's something moves--there must be
a legend! Oh! keep quiet there!
FANNY. I can't find the door. Some one must have taken it off its
hinges.
EUCLID. Yes, and that cursed fellow is going to hallo.
(_RECKLESS darts up, throws the mattress, with FABLE on it, to a
considerable distance._
FABLE. Murder! the devil! thieves! fire! Mr. Holdfast!
_Enter HOLDFAST, with candle, R. EUCLID and FANNY throw their arms
round Reckless's neck._
HOLD. What an infernal noise! What is the meaning of all this? Three
hugging one another, and a fourth bawling out murder! Who the deuce is
this?
EUCLID. Oh, I forgot--you are not introduced. Mr. Holdfast, Mr.
Reckless--Mr. Reckless, Mr. Holdfast!
HOLD. Very proud--very happy. How the devil did he get here?
FANNY. You dear man, for keeping alive. Oh, you dear.
EUCLID. A particular friend of mine.
HOLD. A particular friend of Fanny's too, it seems? And what was the
matter with you, Fergus?
FABLE. Matter! Everything. Your sofa chucks people on the floor, Mr.
Holdfast.
(_bell rings._
HOLD. More visitors?
_Enter ROBERT, L._
ROBERT. A man wants to see Fanny Pepper. He has found a basket in the
river directed to--
FANNY. Send him away. I don't want it. Oh, I forgot that in my joy--I
forgot there was two of them. I will not have the basket.
EUCLID. No. Robert, kick the man down stairs and the basket after him.
HOLD. Nonsense! You don't know what's in the basket.
FANNY. Oh, but I do.
EUCLID. No, you don't.
FANNY. No, no--no more I do. But I hate baskets; they frightened me,
when a child, with a wicker-work rattle.
HOLD. It may be something valuable.
EUCLID. Well, what's that to us, if the girl don't want it? We have no
right to cram things down her throat.
TOM. (_without._) Mr. Reckless is here--I know he is.
RECK. That's my rascal's voice. I'm here.
_Enter TOM, drunk, L._
FANNY. That faithless Tom!
TOM. (_hiccups._) I've brought a letter, sir. (_gives letter._) I knew
you was here, 'cos you know I ha--ha-- And I know what the letter is
about, the bearer thereof told me thereof--old Guineamore is no more.
RECK. I am De Mowbray; my real name is Reckless. This letter will
convince you I have a handsome fortune at my disposal, if I may be
allowed to lay it at the feet of Miss Flighty.
EUCLID. Mowbray! Mowbray! here! You did not come in a basket, and see
my wife?
RECK. Yes, but I did though.
EUCLID. Then there's nobody killed, tol-de-rol! Fanny, there's nobody
killed.
_Enter MRS. FACILE and JULIA, R._
JULIA. De Mowbray!
RECK. Reckless, dear Julia, if you please.
HOLD. Yes, my dear, he is a gentleman of whom I approve, and you may
take him as soon as you please.
TOM. And, Fanny, we cannot do better than follow so good an example.
(_takes her hand._)
FABLE. A monstrous pleasant joke. Catch me here again in a hurry.
HOLD. What's all this about a basket?
EUCLID. Why this gentleman has been twice killed. I'll tell you all at
breakfast; now let us retire to rest after the troubles of this
eventful night, and contrive not to dream.
FANNY. At any rate not of bottles and baskets.
EUCLID. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that you've seen my friend,
Reckless "Twice Killed," let us hope that you will, at length, allow
him to live uninterruptedly--uninterruptedly, did I say? No; for if my
innocent delinquencies did serve to amuse you, I shall feel the
greatest pleasure in killing him twice more to-morrow.
TOM., FAN., MRS. F., EUC., JULIA, RECK., HOLD., FAB.
R. L.