MRS. F. What, Fanny, you here! (_aside to JULIA._) There, as I told
you, her hair dressed the same--the ribbons in the cap too. Well,
Fanny.
FANNY. Please, ma'am, Miss Weakley has sent to know if you are going
to call there this afternoon?
MRS. F. Oh, yes, certainly--poor Miss Weakley. Yes, I shall call.
FANNY. (_whispers to EUCLID._) I have something to shew you, sir, when
your good lady goes out.
MRS. F. I shall call--what's the girl waiting for? do you think I
can't _call?_
FANNY. Yes, you can, ma'am, pretty loud, too.
[_Exit, L. H._
MRS. F. And now, Mr. Facile, you ought to be ashamed to stand before
me thus.
EUCLID. Ought I? Well, then, I'll take myself down stairs. (_reads._)
"On gravity--descending bodies."
[_Exit, L. H._
JULIA. How can you be so cross?
MRS. F. Discipline, I tell you. But reach me the decanter of wine from
the shelf, that's a dear. (_pours contents of mortar into decanter._)
There--there's the sleeping draught for Miss Weakley; I made it from a
receipt book belonging to my grandmama. Such a draught! it will make
her sleep like Juliet's drug, worthy of the book from which it was
extracted.
_Enter TWO MEN with basket, L._
Well, my good people.
1st. MAN. We have brought this hamper for Miss Fanny Pepper, and the
footman told us to bring it up stairs.
MRS. F. Miss, indeed! Yes, it's right _Miss_ Fanny Pepper is Mr.
Holdfast's housemaid--you may leave the basket.
[_MEN do so and exeunt, L. H._
JULIA. Well, while your are finishing your draughts, and the like, I
will go and put on my bonnet to accompany you. With very different
feelings from the time when I used to put it on to meet De Mowbray at
the garden gate.
[_Exit R. H., with the bottle._
MRS. F. What's that? Oh! goodness, the basket moves--a man!
RECKLESS. (_jumps out._) Madam, madam! do not cry out, I entreat you!
I am a stranger, yet rely on your generosity.
MRS. F. But this strange intrusion?
RECK. It is useless to conceal anything. You have doubtless heard of
De Mowbray--I am he.
MRS. F. The clandestine lover of Miss Julia, a person about whom no
one knows anything. But as you have relied on my mercy, I will not
betray you--I will assist you.
RECK. Dear, kind madam!
MRS. F. I will assist you to get out, I say. Return into that basket;
two of the footman shall carry you out to any place you may name, no
one shall know of your being here.
RECK. (_aside._) Oh, curse such kindness! Madam, consider--get into
the basket again? I have a pattern of the wicker work impressed upon
me from head to foot at present, independent of the lumps and bruises
I have received.
MRS. F. I can offer no other alternative. I cannot encourage your
addresses to Miss Julia; then I must consider my own character. Return
into the basket, and I will go and order the footmen to come up
immediately.
RECK. Well, madam, if there is no alternative, send me to this
direction. (_gives card, and re-enters basket._) Be sure to tell them
to keep the right side upwards.
MRS. F. I will, sir; the contents of the basket shall be taken care of
to the full value of the article.
[_Exit, R. H._
RECK. And I am to go back like a glass milk-pot, am I not? (_gets
out._) Snail! leave thy shell. In thy mistress's house, Ralph
Reckless, and suffer thyself to be packed up like a fish, and sent off
as mute? No, no; I've given the lady my tailor's card for a direction.
Ha, ha, ha! (_looks in closet._) what have we here?--a broken pestle
and mortar, and a stone ball from the garden entrance. These shall go
in the basket, (_puts them in._) they will pass for me as well as I
did for grocery.
[_Exit L. H._
_Enter FANNY, L. H._
FANNY. How cross Missus Facile is, and only a visitor too! I shall
give her a bit of my mind if she goes on so, not but I like a woman of
spirit. How beautiful she did throw the thingummy-gig out of the
window--that was fine now; I can give the devil his due. (_goes to
window._) But, oh! there's a boat party--and, oh! there's my admirer,
Thomas--and, oh! he's sitting by a female--and, oh! (_hides her
face._) how shocking, horrid, disgusting--he kissed her; it is so
low-lived to kiss in the open air! He shall see how I'll trim his
jacket when I meet him again! I'll give--but what's this, a basket?
M-i-ss, Miss--F-a-n, Fan-n-y-ny, Fanny--Miss Fanny P-e-p, Pep--Miss
Fanny Pep-p-e-r, per--Miss Fanny Pepper. It's horrid writing, (_tears
off note._) a present, but I won't keep it; I'll--I'll do as Mrs.
Facile did, I'll shy it out of window into the water. (_tries to lift
it._) Oh, gemini, how heavy it is. Hush! there's footsteps.
EUCLID. (_without._) So is B to C.
FANNY. It is Mr. Facile; he has no pride, though he is a
gentleman--I'll call him. Mr. Facile!
_Enter EUCLID, L. H._
EUCLID. Well, Frances Pepper?
FANNY. (_aside._) I knew he'd come. I have a favour to ask--Are you
strong, Mr. Facile?
EUCLID. (_aside._) Now what the deuce should she ask that for?
FANNY. Strong in the arm, I mean?
EUCLID. Pretty well.
FANNY. You'll excuse the liberty--you are such a kind gentleman; but
could you oblige me by throwing this basket out of the window?
EUCLID. Why?
FANNY. Oh, sir, pardon me, it's a delicate affair.
EUCLID. Delicate affair, indeed, to throw that great basket out of the
window; a coal heaver would shine particularly in such a delicate
affair! Oh, nonsense!
FANNY. Please do, sir, I've a motive--heigho!
EUCLID. Oh, well--what will they ask me to do next? Here, girl, ask me
to do no more. It's confoundedly heavy! (_they lift the basket between
them, rest it on the window ledge, and push it off._) Oh, my shoulder!
FANNY. What a splash! Thank'ye, sir, thank'ye; it's gone to the bottom
of the river.
EUCLID. Yes, and nearly took my arm with it--oh! oh! oh! Let me
impress one thing on your memory. Frances Pepper, next time you want a
delicate affair managed, hire a ticket porter.
FANNY. Thank'ye, sir, thank'ye, sir, for throwing my basket out of
window. That faithless monster's present; I wish he had been here, I'd
have asked Mr. Facile to throw him after it; I'm sure he'd have done
it, he is so good-natured.
[_Exit, L. H._
EUCLID. Ha! ha! a whimsical request enough. See what it is to be of an
easy disposition. What the servants will ask next it is impossible to
say. I have already written six letters for the footman, and read as
many valentines for the women; and the other day the old nurse asked
me to tell her fortune, because she said my books looked like
conjuring books; but this basket-throwing--
_Enter MRS. FACILE, L. H._
is the strangest adventure I ever knew.
MRS. F. Oh, my dear, have you seen a basket--a large basket?
EUCLID. Yes.
MRS. F. Like a hamper, big enough to put you in.
EUCLID. Yes, yes, well--(_aside._) I had better not say I helped
Fanny, or she'll blow up.
MRS. F. Well, you'll promise not to say anything, give me your word.
EUCLID. My love, not I; upon my word.
MRS. F. What do you suppose is in that basket?
EUCLID. Oh, I don't know--pickled salmon. He! he! (_aside._) I shall
learn something.
MRS. F. It is a man.
EUCLID. Hey--what?
MRS. F. A man!
EUCLID. (_aside._) The devil it was. My sweetest, you must be
mistaken.
MRS. F. I heard him talk; he is De Mowbray, Julia's unknown lover. He
wanted to get out of the basket, but I told him I would have him
carried out of the house. You see I want to break off the connexion.
EUCLID. Egad! the connexion is broke off with a vengeance.
MRS. F. But how serious you look--quite uneasy.
EUCLID. Uneasy, I? Ha! ha! quite a mistake! man in a basket--devilish
droll! Ha! ha! ha! Oh! oh! oh!
_Enter ROBERT, R._
ROBERT. Please, ma'am, we can't find any basket; we have looked
everywhere.
MRS. F. No!
EUCLID. Not found it? How extraordinary! You could not have looked.
MRS. F. Ah! Fanny must have seen it and taken it. You may go. [_Exit
ROBERT, R._] I'm uneasy.
EUCLID. So am I. Uneasy, my dear--how absurd!
MRS. F. Why suppose that wild fellow has got out of the basket, Mr.
Holdfast may meet him.
EUCLID. My love, you need not give yourself the slightest uneasiness
on that score. I dare say he has escaped with the basket, out of the
window perhaps--oh! oh! oh!
MRS. F. Why you know that window looks upon the river.
EUCLID. (_aside._) I should rather think I did know it. La, so it
does, ha! ha! He could not get out of the window without tumbling into
the wa--ter. Ha! ha! Oh-h-h!
MRS. F. But I'll go and see after Julia; for if the mad headed couple
should meet, I dread the consequences. Be sure you do not tell Mr.
Holdfast, if he comes home, there was a man in the basket.
[_Exit, R. H._
EUCLID. No, I shall not betray the secret. Here's a pretty kettle of
fish! here's a nice business! I turned _Noyade_;--Oh, but it's
over--yes, over! I won't think about it. What business had a man in
that basket? I'll be comfortable; it was not my fault. I'll
read--divert my mind with study. "Hydrostatics--to find the specific
gravity of bodies, immerse the body in water." Curse Hydrostatics!
_Enter FANNY, L._
Oh, you are here, are you? You are a pretty article.
FANNY. Well, so all the men say.
EUCLID. How can you look at me with that confounded smirk, you
abandoned woman?