WHITE SHAPES
(_From Penelope's Diary_)
_New York January 31, 1919._
An extraordinary thing happened on Monday night at Seraphine's
apartment. I must write down the details before they fade from my
memory. Seraphine telephoned Monday morning that there was to be a
meeting of her occult class in the evening and she wanted me to come as
Dr. Owen had promised to be there. She regarded this as a great
opportunity to help me. Darling Seraphine! Of course I could not refuse,
although I abhor spiritualism. I love Seraphine for what she is, and in
spite of her queer beliefs.
When we were gathered together and after introductions to her class
(there were six or seven devout believers), Seraphine explained that it
was difficult to obtain psychic manifestations in the presence of active
disbelief, and she begged us to maintain an attitude of friendly
open-mindedness. I am afraid I did not do this all the time.
We had first some psychic reminiscences and Seraphine described in
detail how on a certain night years ago she and her sister were sleeping
together in a heavy mahogany fourposter bed, when the whole bed with
the two women was lifted several inches from the floor and rocked about,
and was then held suspended in the air while the chamber resounded with
strange music. In my opinion, this was a dream or an illusion.
I am also skeptical about the testimony of one of the group, a New York
minister, who told us that his dead wife has come to him in the night on
several occasions in materialized form and has spoken to him, kissed
him, and taken loving counsel with him about the children and about
other matters. I am sure this minister was the victim of some kind of
hallucination.
And I cannot believe a statement of Seraphine's regarding a Southern
woman who is possessed by an evil spirit that forces her to drinking
excesses so that she has spoiled her whole life. Seraphine described to
us with ghastly vividness the appearance of this evil entity which she
is able to _see_, through her clairvoyant vision, with its hideous
leering countenance, inside the lady. For my part _I refuse to believe
it_.
I admit that I began to have creepy sensations when Seraphine went into
an entranced condition in the cabinet. Then came the happenings that I
do not understand and I know Dr. Owen does not understand them either,
but that does not prove that they were supernatural. I distinctly saw
two white shapes rise from the floor--one of them was so close to me
that I could have touched it with my hand, but I did not because I was
afraid. Besides, I was sitting in a semi-circle with the others and our
hands were joined. Dr. Owen, however, was at the end of the line with
one hand free, and I saw him reach out towards the apparition (it was
about four feet high) and it seemed to me that his hand and arm passed
right through the white shape. As he did this I heard a long sigh and a
rustling sound and I was conscious of a chilling breath on my face. I
asked Dr. Owen about this afterwards and he said that when his hand
touched the shape it felt as if he was grasping thick smoke.
The appearance of the second white shape was more terrifying because
Seraphine came out of the cabinet when she evoked it. She wore a loose
white garment and moved about the room in the near darkness like a woman
walking in her sleep. She repeated a beautiful prayer in a slow dreamy
voice--I wish I could remember it, the idea was that a great disaster
might be averted if God would open the eyes of two of His doubting
children. I suppose she meant Dr. Owen and me.
Then the second white shape appeared and seemed to rise and grow into
the likeness of a woman, but presently it wavered and dissolved.
Seraphine reached out her arms towards it imploringly and I saw a
woman's hand take shape clearly and rest on Seraphine's hand, but this
presently faded away, like a thing of vapor, and was gone. I have no
idea what those white shapes were, or why they came, or why they went;
but neither have I any idea as to the operation of X-rays. These white
shapes may in a few years turn out to be perfectly simple laboratory
phenomena, no more mysterious than wireless phenomena were twenty-five
years ago. _I refuse to believe that a living person can be possessed by
an evil spirit!_
Looking back at this séance, what troubles me is an utterance about
myself that is supposed to have been made by a voice from the other
side. This came at the very end when Seraphine went into an entranced
condition again, with the lights up.
"I have a message for one who is tenderly loved by an exalted spirit,"
she said, sighing heavily, her eyes closed, "one who would come to her,
but there is a barrier. She can regain health and happiness if she will
cleanse her soul of evil. She must confess a sinful purpose that she
entertained in her heart on the night of June 14, 1914."
June 14, 1914! I looked up this date in my diary and find that it was
the occasion of Roberta Vallis' party when Seraphine made her prophecy
about me. Now I remember. We were considering what a woman can do to
satisfy her emotional nature if she has no chance to marry and longs for
the companionship of a man. I said, according to my diary, that "there
is a sacred right given by God to every woman who is born, a right that
not even God Himself can take away--" Then I was interrupted by
Seraphine and I did not tell them what that sacred right is or what use
I personally proposed to make of it.
But I knew and know still, and the question that distresses me is
whether an exalted spirit (could it be my mother?) really possesses this
knowledge of my wicked purpose--if it was wicked--or whether this is
simply a case of mind reading by Seraphine.
"_She can regain health and happiness if she will cleanse her soul of
evil--_" That was the message. Is it true? Is there evil in my heart?
Have I entertained a sinful purpose? Have I the courage to answer this
question truthfully, even in these secret pages--have I?
Yes, I will put down the truth and justify myself in my own eyes. Then I
will burn this book. I would die of shame if Christopher should ever
read this confession.
As my chief justification, I dwell upon the frightful wrong that my
husband did me when he took away my faith in men, my faith in their
ability or willingness to be true to one woman. He did this by his words
and by his acts. He assured me that sex desire in the male is so
resistless that, when conflict arises between this desire and the
teachings of religion, it is the latter which are almost invariably set
aside; with the result that great numbers of men, brought up as
Christians, either renounce Christianity (if they are honest) or find
themselves forced into a life of hypocritical compromise in regard to
sex indulgence. Julian told me this over and over again, no doubt to
excuse his own delinquencies, until it was burned into my soul that,
whatever happened, I would never marry another man, and expose myself to
torments and humiliations such as I had endured with him--never!
After my husband died I had to face a problem that confronts thousands
of high principled young women, widows, divorcées, in America and in all
countries--how could I bear the torture of this immense loneliness? How
could I adjust myself to life without the intimate companionship of a
man? How could I satisfy my emotional nature? How?
There were two solutions, a second marriage and a lover. I rejected the
first solution for reasons already given and the second solution because
of evidence all about me that one lover usually means two, three, half a
dozen lovers, since men grow weary and change and women, in loneliness
or desperation, change also. Never would I let myself sink to the
degrading level of sex _complaisance_ that is sadly or cynically
accepted by many women, self-supporting and self-respecting, in many
American cities, simply because they cannot combat conditions that have
been created and perpetuated by the stronger sex.
Therefore I worked out a third solution that was to satisfy my emotional
nature and at the same time give me a reason for existence. I would
adopt a little waif as my child, a French or Belgian waif, and I would
bring up this child to be a useful and happy man or woman. I would love
it, care for it, teach it, and with this responsibility and
_soulagement_, I would be able to endure the loneliness of the long
years stretching before me. I would find this child while I was in
France working for the Red Cross and bring it home after the war, only--
_My purpose was to adopt a child that should be born of my own body!_
That is my sin, a sin never committed, save in intention, yet a sin that
would have been committed, if things had happened differently. The
arguments (based on the sacred right of motherhood and the longing for
a child) that led me to my original purpose still seem valid to me. It
is terrible to say this now, but I must tell the truth and the truth is
that, if I had not met Captain Herrick, I would have done this thing. My
whole plan of life was changed because I loved Captain Herrick. What was
previously impossible became possible, and what was previously possible
became impossible _because I loved Captain Herrick_.
That is the truth.
* * * * *
_Tuesday._
If I love him so much, why am I possessed by a horrible fear that I will
refuse to be his wife? Good God, what a woman I am! I love Captain
Herrick so much that I would gladly die for him--I have risked my life
for him already--and yet--
I have promised Christopher his answer when we meet at Roberta's party
on Friday night, but I am not sure what I will say to him. Three days! I
told Roberta I would not go to her party unless she invited Christopher,
so she did.
_Wednesday._
I feel much encouraged about my health. For nearly a week my sleep has
been free from dreams and They have not come near me. I begin to think
Dr. Owen is right. I have been suffering from nervous disturbances
caused by shell shock, and I am on the road to recovery. I need rest and
recreation, especially recreation--anything to divert my mind from
fears and somber thoughts. I say this to Seraphine when she warns me
that I must not go to Roberta's party. She says I will go at my great
peril, but I refuse to entertain these fears. I crave the gaiety and
_insouciance_ of Roberta's care-free Bohemians. Besides, I shall see
Christopher. I will tell him that I love him with all my soul and will
marry him--the sooner the better--any time. Within a month I may be Mrs.
Christopher Herrick. How wonderful!
_Thursday._
While I was looking back through my diary I came upon a reflection of
Julian's--he said that men take no real interest in other men, _as men_,
although they are interested in all women. The fact that men are sex
animals makes no impression upon other men, whereas the fact that women
are sex animals makes an enormous impression. A man would hear of the
tragic death of a thousand unknown men with comparative indifference, he
declared, but would be distressed to hear of the death of a hundred
unknown women. I wonder if that is true. I know that women are intensely
conscious that all other women are sex animals. Is that due to jealousy?
I came upon another thought of Julian's--about temptation. He pictured a
drunkard who has sworn off drinking. This man announces his virtuous
intentions from the housetops--he will never drink again, he will avoid
temptation, he will not attend a certain convivial gathering, say
tonight at nine o'clock. He repeats this to himself and to others--he
will _not_ be present at this gathering. But all the time, deep down in
his heart, he knows that he will be present. He knows that nine o'clock
will find him in his accustomed seat smiling upon flowing glasses....
* * * * *
I am afraid of tomorrow night. I am afraid of what I will say to Captain
Herrick!
_Friday morning._
I dreamed last night that I was in a great purple forest and again I saw
the black birds with fiery eyes. They were in a circle around me,
judging me. They wanted me to say something or do something, but I did
not know what it was, and I was in despair. Suddenly the trees opened
and I saw a smooth black river pouring over a precipice and the birds
bore me to the river and dropped me into it. Then, as I struggled in the
water, Chris leaped from the bank to save me, but I fought against him
and we were both swept along towards the precipice. He caught me in his
arms, but I struck at him and screamed--and then I awakened.
* * * * *
Seraphine gave me a beautiful prayer or affirmation to say when I am
afraid. I say this over and over again and it comforts me: "_I am God's
child. God is my life, God is my strength. My soul is in unison with the
perfect love of God. There is absolutely nothing to fear. All thoughts
of fear are banished from my mind. I will no longer be bound by
thoughts of fear._"
I shut my eyes tight and say this when I am going to sleep.