WHAT PENELOPE COULD NOT TELL THE DOCTOR
(_Fragments from Her Diary_)
_Atlantic City, Tuesday._
I cannot tell what is on my mind, I cannot tell _anyone_, even a doctor;
but I will keep my promise and look into my past life. I will open those
precious, tragic, indiscreet little volumes bound in red leather in
which I have for years put down my thoughts and intimate experiences. I
have always found comfort in my diary.
I am thirty-three years old and for ten years, beginning before I was
married, I have kept this record. I wrote of my unhappiness with my
husband; I wrote of my lonely widowhood and of my many temptations; I
wrote of my illness, my morbid cravings and hallucinations.
There are several of these volumes and I have more than once been on the
point of burning them, but somehow I could not. However imperfectly I
have expressed myself and however mistaken I may be in my interpretation
of life, I have at least not been afraid to speak the truth about myself
and about other women I have known, and truth, even the smallest
fragment of it, is an infinitely precious thing.
What a story of a woman's struggles and emotions is contained in these
pages! I wonder what Dr. Owen would think if he could read them.
Heavens! How freely dare I draw upon these intimate chapters of my life?
How much must the doctor know in order to help me--to save me?
Shall I reveal myself to him as I really was during those agitated years
before my marriage when I faced the struggle of life, the temptations of
life--an attractive young woman alone in New York City, earning her own
living?
And how shall I tell the truth about my unhappy married life--the
torture and degradation of it? The truth about my widowhood--those two
gay years before the great disaster came, when, with money enough, I let
myself go in selfish pursuit of pleasure--playing with fire?
As I turn over these agitated pages I feel I have tried to be honest. I
rebel against hypocrisy, I hate false pretense, often I make myself out
worse than I really am.
In one place I find this:
"There is no originality in women. They do what they see others do, they
think what they are told to think--like a flock of sheep. Their hair is
a joke--absurd frizzles and ear puffs that are always imitated. Their
shoes are a tragedy. Their corsets are a crime. But they would die
rather than change these ordered abominations. So would I. I flock with
the crowd. I hobble my skirts, wear summer furs, powder my nose, wave my
hair (permanently or not) according to the commands of fashion, but I
hate myself for doing it. _I am a woman!_"
I am a woman and most women are liars--so are most men--but there is
more excuse for women because centuries of oppression have made us
afraid to tell the truth. I try to be original by speaking the
truth--part of it, at least--in this diary.
On one page I find this:
"The truth is that women love pursuit and are easily reconciled to
capture. Why else do they deck themselves out in finery, perfume
themselves, bejewel themselves, flaunt their charms (including decolleté
charms and alluring bathing suit charms) in every possible way? I do
this myself--why? I have a supple figure and I dance without corsets, or
rather with only a band to hold up my stockings. I wear low cut evening
gowns, the most captivating I can afford. I love to flirt. I could not
live without admiration, and other women are the same. They all have
something that they are vain about--eyes, nose, mouth, voice, teeth,
hair, complexion, hands, feet, figure--_something that they are vain
about._ And what is vanity but a consciousness of power to attract men
and make other women envious? _There are only two efforts that the human
race take seriously (after they have fed themselves): the effort of
women to attract men, the effort of men to capture women._"
* * * * *
_Wednesday._
In searching back through the years for the cause of this disaster that
has brought me to the point where a woman's reason is overthrown, I see
that I was always selfish, absorbed in my own problems and vanities, my
own disappointments, grievances, emotions. It was what I could get out
of life, not what I could give, that concerned me. I was vain of my good
looks. I craved admiration.
Once I wrote in my diary:
"I often stand before my mirror at night before I go to bed and admire
my own sombre beauty. I let my hair fall in a black cloud over my
shoulders, then I braid it slowly with bare arms lifted in graceful
poses. I sway my hips like Carmen, I thrust red flowers into my bosom. I
move my head languidly, letting my white teeth gleam between red lips. I
study my profile with a hand glass, getting the double reflection. I
smile and beckon with my eyes. Yes, I am a beautiful woman--primeval,
elemental--I was made for love."
Again I wrote, showing that I half understood the perils that beset me:
"Women are moths, they love to play with fire. They are irresistibly
driven--like poor little birds that dash themselves against a
lighthouse--towards the burning excitements connected with the
allurement of men. They live for admiration. The besetting sin of all
women is vanity; _vanity is a woman's consciousness of her power over
men._"
And again:
"It is almost impossible for a fascinating woman not to flirt a
little--sometimes. For example, she passes a man on the street, a
distinguished looking man. She does not know him, but their eyes have
met in a certain way and she feels that he is attracted by her. She has
on a pretty dress with a bunch of violets. She wonders whether this man
has turned back to look at her--she is sure he has--she longs to look
back. No matter how much culture and breeding she has, _she longs to
look back_!"
No wonder that, with such thoughts and inclinations, I was always more
or less under temptation with men, who were drawn to me, I suppose, just
as I was drawn to them. And I tried to excuse myself in the old way, as
here:
"It is certain that some women have strong emotional desires, whereas
other women have none at all or scarcely any. This fact has an evident
bearing upon the question of women's morality. Some women must be judged
more leniently than others. I have wondered if there are similar
differences in men. I doubt it!"
Of course I had agitating experiences with men because I half invited
them. It seemed as if I could not help it. As I said to myself, I was a
moth, I wanted to play with fire.
On the next page I find this:
"Seraphine disapproves of my attitude towards men. She gave me a great
talking to last night and said things I would not take from anyone else.
Dear old Seraphine, she is so fine and kind! She says there is nothing
in my physical makeup that compels me to be a flirt. I can act more
discreetly if I wish to. It is my mental attitude toward romantic things
that is wrong. Thousands of women just as pretty as I am never place
themselves in situations with men that are almost certain to lead them
into temptation. They will not start an emotional episode that may
easily, as they know quite well, have a dangerous ending. But I am
always ready to start, confident that my self-control will save me from
any immediate disaster. And so far it always has."
How earnestly Seraphine sounded her warning. I wrote down her words and
promised to heed them: "_Remember, dear, that emotional desire
deliberately aroused in 'harmless flirtations' and then deliberately
repressed is an offense against womanhood, a menace to the health, and a
degradation to the soul._"
* * * * *
_Thursday night._
I am horribly sad tonight--lonely--discouraged. The doctor wants to know
about my married life, about my husband. Why was I unhappy? Why is any
woman unhappy? Because her love is trampled on, degraded--the spiritual
part of it unsatisfied. Women are made for love and without love life
means nothing to them. Women are naturally finer than men, they aspire
more strongly to what is beautiful and spiritual, but their souls can be
coarsened, their love can be killed. They can be driven--they have been
driven for centuries (through fear of men) into lies and deceits and
sensuality or pretence of sensuality.
The great tragedy of the world is sensuality, and it may exist between
man and wife just as much as between a man and a paid woman. I don't
know whether the Bible condemns sensuality between man and wife, but it
ought to. I remember a story by Tolstoy in which the great moralist
strips off our mask of hypocrisy and shows the hideous evil that results
when a man and a woman degrade the holy sacrament of marriage. That is
not love, but a perversion of love. How can God bless a union in which
the wife is expected to conduct herself like a wanton or lose her
husband? And she loses him anyway, for sensuality in a man inevitably
leads him to promiscuousness. I know this to my sorrow!
Perhaps I am morbid. Perhaps I see life too clearly, know it too well. I
do not want to be cynical or bitter. Oh, if only those old days of faith
and trust could come back to me! When I think of what I was before I
married Julian I see that I was almost like a child in my ignorance of
the animal side of man's nature....
* * * * *
_Friday._
Dr. Owen thinks my trouble is shell shock, but he is mistaken. I have
taken care of too many shell shock cases not to recognize the symptoms.
Can I ever forget that darling soldier boy from Maryland who mistook me
for his mother? "They're coming! They're coming!" he screamed one night;
you could hear him all over the hospital. Then he jumped out of bed like
a wild man--it took two orderlies and an engineer to get him back under
the covers. I can see his poor wasted face when the little doctor came
to give him a hypodermic. There he lay panting, groaning: "Oh those
guns! Oh those guns! They break my ears!" Then he sprang up again, his
eyes starting out of his head: "Look out, there! On the ammunition
cart! Look out, Bill! Oh my God, they've got Bill--my pal! Blown him to
hell! Oh, oh, oh!" and he put his head down and sobbed like a woman.
That is shell shock. I have nothing like that. I know what I am doing.
* * * * *
There was a storm today with great crashing waves, then everything grew
calm under a golden sunset. I take this as a good omen. I feel happier
already. The infinite peace of Nature is quieting my soul. I love the
sea. I can almost say my prayers to the sea.
* * * * *
_Saturday._
The swimming master pays me extravagant compliments every morning when I
splash about in the pool. I know my body is beautiful. Thank God, I have
never imprisoned it in corsets.
I love the exercises I do in my room every morning. They bring back the
play spirit of my childhood. When I get out of bed I slip into a loose
garment, then I lie on the floor and stretch my spine along the
carpet--it's wonderful how this exhilarates one. After that I take deep
breaths at the open window, raising and lowering my arms--up as I draw
my breath in, down as I throw it out. Then I lie down again and lift my
legs straight up, the right, the left, then both together. I do this
twenty times, resting between changes and taking deep breaths.
I sit cross-legged on the floor with my feet on a red and gold cushion
and rotate my waist like an oriental dancer. I stand on my head and
hands and curve my body to right and left in graceful flexings. I do
this no matter how cold it is. I do not feel the cold, for I am all
aglow with health and strength. Then, before my bath, I do dumb-bell
exercises in front of the mirror.
I remember dining with my husband one night in a pink lace peignoir--we
had been married about three years--and during the dessert, I excused
myself and went into my bedroom and, posing before a cheval glass, I let
the peignoir slip off my shoulders, and stood there like a piece of
polished marble, rejoicing in my youth and loveliness!
How I hated my husband that night! He had taught me to drink. He had
made me sensual. He had not yet assumed the coarse, red-faced brutish
aspect that he wore later, but he had a coarse, red-faced brutish soul.
Alas! his body was still fine enough to tempt me. And his mind was
devilishly clever enough to captivate my fancy. He took away my faith,
_even my faith in motherhood_. That was why I chiefly hated him.
For three years my husband disgusted me with his unfaithfulness. No
woman was too high or too low, too refined or too ignorant, for his
passing fancy, if only she had physical attractiveness--just a little
physical attractiveness. Anything for variety, shop girl or duchess,
kitchen maid or society leader, they were all the same to Julian. He
confessed to me that he once made love to a little auburn-haired
_divorcée_ while they were in a mourning carriage going to her sister's
funeral. _Et elle s'est laissée faire!_
He was like a hunter following his prey, like an angler fishing, he
cared only for the chase, for the capture. That was the man I had
married!
What a liar he was! He poisoned my mind with his lies, assuring me that
all men were like himself, hypocrites, incapable of being true to one
woman. And I believed him. The ghastly part of it is I still believe
him. I can't help it. I have suffered too much. I can never have faith
in another man, not even in Captain Herrick. That is why I shall never
marry again--that is one reason.
* * * * *
_Sunday._
A wonderful day! I strolled along the board walk in my new furs, and met
a young mother pushing a baby carriage with two splendid baby boys--one
of them sucking at his bottle. Such babies! She let me hold the little
fellow and I cuddled him close in my arms and felt his soft cheeks and
his warm little chubby hands on my face. How I long for a baby of my
own! I have thought--hoped--dreamed--
I went to the movies this evening with some friends and laughed so hard
that I thought I would break something in my internal machinery.
When I returned to the hotel I found a letter from Captain Herrick--so
manly and affectionate. He loves me! And I love him, more than anything
in the world. I feel so well today, so glad to be alive that if Chris
were here, I think I would promise him whatever he asked. I long to give
myself entirely--_my beauty, my passion, everything_--to this man that I
love.
And yet--alas!
Am I bold and vain to call myself beautiful?
* * * * *
I find myself in my diary siding strongly with women against men in
anything that has to do with emotional affairs, although I like men
better than women. My tendency is always to blame the man. This is
partly because of the hideous wrong that was done me by my husband and
partly because I like to believe that, however blame-worthy women are in
the sex struggle and, whatever _faiblesses_ they may be guilty of, the
fundamental cause of it all must be found in centuries of men's
wickedness and oppression.
I have written about this with much feeling. In one place I say:
"Sometimes I feel as if there were a conspiracy of men--all kinds of
men, including the most serious and respectable--against the virtue of
attractive women. What a downfall of masculine reputations there would
be if women should tell a little of what they know about men! Only a
little! But women are silent in the main--through loyalty or through
fear."
And again:
"What happens to an attractive woman who is forced to earn her own
living? In the business world? In the artistic world? Anywhere? I do
not say that men are a pack of wolves, but--I had such a heartbreaking
experience, especially in my brief musical career. I might have had a
small part in grand opera at the Metropolitan Opera House, New York
City, so one particular musical wolf assured me, if I would show a
little sympathy with his desire to assist me in some of the
rôles--occasional private rehearsals, and so on. Oh, the beast!... He
gave the part to another girl (her voice did not compare with mine) who
was less particular, and she made her début the next season. I went to
work at Wanamaker's store!"
And still men pursued me.
I find this entry:
"Roberta took me to dinner yesterday at the Lafayette with her friend
Mr. G----, a man of sixty, red-faced, fat and prosperous, the breezy
Westerner type. He is giving a grand party at Sherry's and wants me to
come. I said I was afraid I couldn't, my real reason being that I have
no dress that is nice enough. He said nothing at the time, but kept his
eyes on me, and this evening, when I got home, there was a perfectly
stunning dinner gown--it must have cost $250.--with a note from Mr.
G---- begging me to accept it as I would a flower, since it meant
absolutely nothing to him.
"How I longed to keep that gown! I think I should have kept it if
Seraphine had not happened in.
"'Isn't this lovely?' I said, holding it up. 'Do you think I can accept
it?' Then I told her what Mr. G---- had said.
"She looked at me out of her kind, wise eyes.
"'Do you like him?'
"'Well--rather.'
"'Is he married or unmarried?'
"'I think he's married.'
"'Is he the man who gave Roberta her sables?'
"'Y-yes,' I admitted.
"She looked at me again.
"'I can't decide for you, Pen; you must settle it with your own
conscience; but I am sure of one thing, that, if you accept this dress,
you will pay for it, and probably pay much more than it is worth.'
"It ended in my sending the gown back and missing the dinner party,
which made Mr. G---- furious, he blamed Roberta for my resistance, and a
little later he threw her over. Like most men of that type who promise
women wonderful things, he was hard, selfish and exacting--a
cold-blooded sensualist. And poor Roberta, indolent and luxurious, was
obliged to go back to work--up at seven and on her feet all day for
twenty dollars a week. She had been spending twenty dollars a day!
"What is a woman to conclude from all this?" I wrote despairingly. "I
know there are decent men in the world; there are employers who would
never think of becoming unduly interested in their good-looking women
assistants, who would never intimate that they had any claim upon the
evenings of pretty stenographers or secretaries; there are lawyers who
would never force odious attentions upon an attractive woman whose
divorce case they might be handling--'_Dear lady, how about a little
dinner and a cabaret show tonight?_'--There are old friends of the
family, serious middle-aged men who would never take advantage of a
young woman's weakness or distress; but, oh dear God! there are so many
others who have no decency, no heart! A woman is desperate and must
confide in someone. She has lost her position and is struggling to find
another. She craves innocent pleasure--music, the theatre, the dance.
_She is so horribly lonely._ Help me, counsel me, she pleads to some man
whom she trusts--any man, the average man. Does he help her? Yes, on one
condition, that she use her power as a woman. Not otherwise. This is a
great mystery to women--how men, who are naturally kind, can be so
cruel, so persistent, so infernally clever in forcing women to use their
power for their own undoing."
* * * * *
_Tuesday._
Here is an interesting thing that Kendall Brown once said on this
subject--I recorded it in my diary along with other sayings of this
erratic Greenwich Village poet and philosopher:
"The sex power of women is the most formidable power ever loosed upon
earth," he declared one evening. "Thrones totter before it. Captains of
industry forget their millions in its presence. _Cherchez la femme!_
This terrible power is possessed by every dark-eyed siren in a Second
Avenue boarding house, by every languishing, red-lipped blonde earning
eighteen dollars a week in a department store. And she knows it! Others
have vast earthly possessions, stores of science, palaces of art,
knowledge without end--she has a _tresor_ that makes baubles of
these--she is the custodian of life, _she has the eternal life power_."
How true that is!
Again I wrote:
"It may be argued that women are willing victims of this man conspiracy,
I say _no_! Every woman in her heart longs to love _one_ man, to give
herself to _one_ man, to be true to _one_ man. Even the unfortunate in
the streets, if she receives just a little kindness, if she has only
half a chance and is encouraged to right living by some decent fellow,
will go through fire and water to show her gratitude and devotion. But
men give women no chance. They pluck the roses in the garden and trample
them under foot. Here is the great tragedy of modern life--_men wish to
change from one woman to another, whereas women do not wish to change. A
characteristic sex difference between men and women is that men are
naturally promiscuous, but women abhor the thought of promiscuousness._"
* * * * *
_Sunday._
A wave of repulsion runs over me as I quickly turn the pages of my life
with Julian. And then a faint whisper comes to me: "The _truth_, you
have promised to tell it--at least to your own soul."
_The truth!_
Slowly I turn back to what I wrote in those unhappy days:
"Why do I live with him? I no longer love him. At times I despise him
and his slightest touch makes me shiver with disgust, yet I continue to
endure this life--why?
"It is because of the great pity I have for him. He is weak and
helpless, almost child-like in his dependence on me. I am the prop which
holds up the last shreds of his self-respect. If I left him, he would
drift lower and lower, I know it. Sometimes I pass some awful creature
staggering along the sidewalks. He is dirty and uncared for. Long matted
hair falls across his bleared and sunken eyes. I say to myself: 'But for
you, Penelope Wells, that might be Julian.' And this gives me courage to
take up my burden once more."
* * * * *
And again I find:
"I am beginning to fear. I have been looking in my mirror and it seems
to me that my face is taking on the lines of animalism that I see daily
becoming deeper in Julian's face. Must I continue this degradation? If I
were helping him to raise himself--but I am not, not really. It's too
heavy a weight for me to bear. I am sinking ... sinking to his level. I
cannot stand it. It is killing me...."
* * * * *
And again:
"I am too heartsick to write....
"I began this a week ago in agony of soul when I tried to set down my
feelings about a horrible night with Julian, but I could not. He has
been drinking--drinking for weeks--neglecting his business, breaking all
his promises to me. What can I do? How can I help him, strengthen him,
keep him from doing some irrevocable thing that will utterly destroy our
home and make me lose him? In spite of his weakness, his neglect, his
faithlessness, I cannot bear the thought of losing him. My pride is
involved and--and _something else_!
"He had not come home for dinner that night and it was ten o'clock when
I heard the door slam. Julian came into the living room and as soon as I
saw him my heart sank. He dropped into a chair without speaking.
"'Tired, dear?' I said, trying to smile a welcome.
"'Dead beat,' he sighed and stared moodily into the fire.
"I went to him and rested my hand lightly on his head and smoothed back
his hair as he liked me to do. He jerked away.
"'Wish you'd let me alone,' he muttered fretfully.
"I drew back, knowing what this irritability meant, and we sat in
silence gazing into the glowing ashes. His fingers beat a nervous tattoo
against the chair and presently, with some mumbled words, he rose and
moved towards the door. Now I knew the fight was on, the fight with the
Demon, drink, that was drawing him away from me. I followed him into the
hall.
"'Don't go,' I pleaded, but he pushed my hand from the door-knob.
"'I'll be back soon,' he said, reaching for his hat.
"'Wait!' I whispered. Deep within I breathed a prayer: 'Brave heart,
have courage; nimble wit, be alert; warm, white body hold him fast.'
"'Come back ... before the fire ... I want to talk to you,' I leaned
against him caressingly, but I could feel no response as I nestled
closer.
"'Don't you care for me any more?' I questioned tenderly.
"He was still unyielding, his brain was busy with the thought of the
brown liquor that his whole system craved. Purposely I drew back my
flowing sleeve and placed my warm flesh against his face. He turned to
his old seat before the fire.
"'All right, I'll stay for ten minutes ... if what you say is
important.'
"When he was once more comfortable, I brought a cushion to his chair and
snuggled down at his feet, with my head resting against him. I drew his
half reluctant hand around my throat, then I exerted every part of my
brain force ... to hold him. Ceaselessly I talked of our old days
together--camping trips to the Northern woods of Canada, wonderful weeks
of idling down the river in our launch, days of ideal happiness, spent
together. I appealed to his love for me, his old love, and the memory of
our early married life. He was unresponsive, and I could feel the
restlessness of his fingers in my hair.
"Presently he pushed me aside, not ungently this time but,
nevertheless, firmly. Once more the struggle began, and now I must rely
on the old physical lure to hold him.... Well, I won. I kept him with me
but was it worth such a sacrifice? As I think ... I burn with shame."
There are many entries in my diary like this, for my life with Julian
was full of scenes when I tried so hard ... so hard ... all in vain!
* * * * *
Here is another picture:
"Last night Julian came home in a hilarious mood. His habitual sullen
look had gone and he almost seemed the man who had won me--before I knew
him as he really is.
"'Come along, Penny,' he laughed as he caught me in his arms. 'We're
going to celebrate. Dress up in that lacy black thing--you are seduction
itself in it.'
"His praise made me happy and, responding to his mood, I changed my
clothes quickly, and we set forth joyfully in anticipation of a pleasant
evening.
"Everything went well through the dinner, although I hesitated when
Julian ordered wine; but I was afraid to oppose him or to speak a single
jarring word.
"'Drink up, Penny, and have some more. My God, but you are glorious
tonight!' he whispered as he leaned across the table.
"I smiled and emptied my glass, and soon I became as reckless and jovial
as he. We went from one cabaret to another, laughing at everything. All
the world was gay. There was no sorrow anywhere--only one grand
celebration. Julian was never so fascinating. I was proud of his good
looks, of his wit, of his strength as he lifted me from the taxicab and
almost carried me into the house.
"'My darling!' I breathed as my lips brushed his cheek, 'I love you!'
"'You see, Penny, how wonderful everything is when you are reasonable.
If you will only drink with me once in a while, I'll never, never leave
you.'
"He placed me gently in a chair. Soon the room began to whirl around ...
and I knew no more....
"This morning my head ached and a thousand needles were piercing my
eyes. I rang for the maid and asked for my husband.
"'He brought you home last night, but he went out again later and he
hasn't come back,' she said and her eyes did not meet mine.
"'Was I--was I?' I stammered, shame possessing me.
"'Yes, Mrs. Wells, you were....'
"God! What have I gained? I have degraded myself without doing Julian
any good. I have sunk to his level and have not even been able to keep
him at my side. I hate him! I hate myself even more!"
* * * * *
I find a pitiful entry that I made only a few months before Julian was
killed. In a fit of anger he had left me, accusing me of being a drag on
his life, saying that I was to blame for all his follies. He was going
to be rid of me now. So he took all the money in the house and went
off--I should never see him again. At last I had what I had longed for,
my freedom, he had given it to me, flung it in my face. And then--
This is what I wrote six weeks later:
"Well, I'm a failure all right. Never again may I think well of myself
or feel that I am entitled to the joys of life. For I'm just a plain
moral coward. I couldn't even keep what was forced on me--my liberty.
"Last Wednesday he came back, such a miserable wreck of a man, so
utterly broken in every way that it would have moved a heart of stone.
Inside of me is a sorrow too deep for expression, but somehow a peace
also. Now I am sure that my bondage will never cease. But I couldn't
refuse to take Julian back when I saw what a state he was in. His
spiritual abasement was such an awful thing that I could not shame him
by even letting him know that I understood it."
* * * * *
_Monday._
I walked for hours beside the ocean, watching the waves, the sky, the
soaring gulls,--trying to tire myself out, searching into my heart for
the truth about my life--about my illness. I cannot find the truth. I
have done what Dr. Owen told me to do as well as I can and--I do not see
that any good has come of it. I have stirred up ghosts of the
past--leering ghosts, and I hate them. I am sick of ignoble memories. I
want to close forever the door on those unhappy years. I want to be
well, to live a sane life, to have a little pleasure; but....
* * * * *
_Thursday._
I am tired of Atlantic City. I am going back to New York tomorrow. No
doubt I have benefited by these days of rest and change. My bad dreams
are gone and I have only heard the Voices once. Dr. Owen will say that
his prescription has been efficacious, but that is not true. I know
_They_ are waiting for me in the city, waiting to torture me. Then why
do I go back? Because it is my fate. I am driven on by some power beyond
my control--driven on!
_Penelope will cross the ocean. Her husband will die very soon. There
will be war soon. She will go to the war and honors will be conferred
upon her on the battlefields. Then she will go down to horror--to
terror!_
How that prophecy of Seraphine haunts me! All of it has come true except
the very last. Horror! Terror! These two are ever before me. These two
already encompass me. These two will presently overwhelm me
unless--unless--I don't know what.
Seraphine is in New York, I have meant to go to see her, but--I am
afraid, I am afraid of what she will tell me!
_New York, Saturday._
I must set down here--to ease my tortured brain--some of the things that
have happened to me since I last wrote in this book, my confessional.
When I got back to town I found an invitation to go to a Bohemian ball,
and I decided to accept. _Vive la joie!_ So I put on a white dress and
went with Roberta Vallis and that ridiculous poet Kendall Brown. It was
the first time I had danced since my husband died and I enjoyed it.
Such a ball! They called it a Pagan Revel and it was! Egyptian costumes
and a Russian orchestra. Some of the Egyptian slave maidens were dressed
mostly in brown paint. Kendall says he helped dress them at the Liberal
Club. Good heavens! Kendall's pose of lily white virtue amuses me. He
went as a cave man with a leopard skin over his shoulders, and I danced
with him two or three times. His talk reminds me of Julian. How well I
know the methods of these sentimental pirates! What infinite patience
and adroitness they use in leading the talk towards dangerous ground!
How seriously they begin! With what sincerity and ingenuous frankness
they proceed, and all the time they know exactly what they are doing,
exactly what effects they are producing in a woman.
Kendall spoke of the modern dance in a detached, intellectual way. He
dwelt on one particular development in the fox trot--had I noticed
it?--there! that naval officer and the languishing blonde were doing it
now--which seemed to him unæsthetic. It might be harmful in some cases,
say to a Class A woman. Being curious, I asked what he meant by a "Class
A" woman and this gave Kendall his opportunity to discourse on
fundamental differences that exist among women, so he declares. I wish I
knew if what he says is true. He assures me he has it on the authority
of a Chicago specialist, but I never put much dependence on anything
that Kendall Brown says. If this is true the whole romantic history of
the world will have to be rewritten and the verdicts of numberless
juries in murder trials _passionels_ ought to be set aside.
The statement is that physical desire is universal among men, but not
among women. One-third of all women, Kendall puts them in Class C, have
no such desire; therefore, they deserve no particular credit for
remaining virtuous. Another third of all women are in Class B, the
normal class, where this desire is or is not present, according to
circumstances. The last third of all women make up Class A, and these
women, being as strongly tempted as men (or more so), are condemned to
the same struggles that men experience, and, if they happen to be
beautiful, and without deep spirituality, they are fated to have
emotional experiences that may make them great heroines or artists,
great adventuresses or outcasts.
I am sure I do not belong in Class C, I _hope_ I belong in Class B, but I
am afraid--
* * * * *
I knew _They_ were waiting for me. Last night I heard Them again--after
the ball. It was a horrible night! I shall write to Dr. Owen that I must
see him at once.