Eugenics, Kelly pool and Burgess Unabridged. (See _Blurb_.)
Golf is a re-ovotch, a revival of an obsolete sport. The popular tune of
the day is an ovotch; the current slang; the fad of the hour in custom
and costume.
Past is the ovotch of the bicycle, croquet and archery; to-morrow the
ovotch may be put upon flying, skin-tight trousers, or free love. (See
_Thusk_.)
One ovotch will never be revived, the family reciter, with her vox
humana tremulo voice.
_In Grandma’s time, the ovotch quaint
Was to be meek and modest;
She used to have the “vapors”--(faint)
She was so tightly bodiced._
_What is the ovotch for a maid
To-day? The gown that lets
Her lissome figure be displayed,--
And smoking cigarettes._
=Pa-loo´dle=, _n._ 1. One who gives unnecessary or undesired
information. 2. Uncalled-for advice. 3. A recital of obvious
details.
=Pa-loo´dle=, _v._ To give the above; to assume omniscience.
=Pa-loo´dlum.= A paloodle talk.
Have you ever in the theatre sat in front of a gabby gent, who paloodles
his girl with the story of the play, announcing each entrance and exit?
The paloodle is ubiquitous; at the baseball game, he explains each play;
at the pool-table, he tells you what you ought to do, or should have
done. He is proficient in the knowledge of how to run other people’s
business. (See _Drillig_.)
Old maids paloodle you with advice on how to train your children, or how
to manage a husband. (See _Lallify_.)
A horse falls on the slippery pavement. Immediately it is surrounded
with paloodles, suggesting blankets, and straps and buckles, and “Sit on
its head.” It’s the paloodle’s head that should be sat upon.
The stage manager paloodles the actor: “You cross here,” he says; and,
“You want to cry all through that scene.” No wonder the dramatic critic
also paloodles the actor on the opening night. (See _Yowf_ and
_Edicle_.)
Paloodling the baby is the favorite occupation of the second year of
married life. “How to cure a cold,” a paloodlum in six parts.
_Each base was full, the score was tied,
The strikes they numbered two;
Still that paloodle at my side
Paloodled me and you!_
_The inning was the ninth, alas,
But the end I did not see--
For I was murdering the ass
Who’d been paloodling me!_
=Paw´dle=, _n._ 1. One who is vicariously famous, rich or
influential. 2. A person of mediocre ability, raised to undeserved
prominence.
=Paw´dle=, _v._ To wear another’s clothes.
You all know him, the pawdle, or her, who pawdles in unpaid-for
prosperity.
The husband of the famous wife, or the wife of a Star.
The child of a celebrity; the daughter of a president. (See _Yowf_.)
The editor of an Anthology, or a translator. An adopted child. A woman
with dyed hair. An officer of the militia. An American countess. The
author of a privately printed book. (See _Edicle_.)
To pawdle is to go to the theatre on passes; to ride in other people’s
automobiles, to use hotel or club stationery.
To pawdle is the poor husband of the rich wife; also the husband of the
industrious vaudeville artiste, or the farmer, who lets Florrie do all
the work, while he talks politics at the village store. (See
_Hyprijimp_.)
Behold Brother Pawdle, the Past Grand Worthy Superior Thingamajig, of
the Glorified Order of Pawdles, in his transcendental uniform and gold
sword! He is really the book-keeper of a fish-shop.
_Only a pawdle--don’t tell her so,
For she thinks, as pawdles do,
She is sought because of herself, you know;
But you know that that isn’t true._
_Only a pawdle--but never mind,
For she’ll die in due season, when
Her proper place she will really find--
Not even a pawdle, then!_
=Per´so-tude=, _n._ Social warmth, personal magnetism, charm.
=Per´so-mag=, _n._ The unit of social favor.
A man charged to the highest voltage of persotude could borrow any
amount of money. The charge fluctuates in the same person. After a good
dinner, one vibrates sometimes up to 7,000 persomags. Cocktails,
compliments and social success make one buzz with persotude. (See
_Gubble_.)
Anyone troubled with negative persotude should take a rest cure and test
his recovery by trying to sell life insurance, which requires the
greatest sparking charge. (See _Spuzz_.)
Persotude is independent of beauty, though it is hard to make a woman
believe it. Getting rich adds to one’s persotude,--but not always.
Rockefeller’s persotude is less than 6-1/2 persomags. (See _Yowf_.)
Nicknames are prime evidence of rich persotude.
The highest persomags in America are Roosevelt, Christie Matthewson and
Maude Adams.
_When Walter, at his Sunday School
Declaimed “The Old Front Gate,”
They flattered so the little fool
His persotude was great._
_He went upon the stage and planned
To be a tragic hero,
He never even got a “hand”--
His persotude was zero._
=Pooje=, _n._ 1. An embarrassing situation; a sense of guilt; a
regrettable discovery. 2. One who is caught in the act.
=Pooje=, _v._ To make a painful discovery; unwittingly to create a
scene.
=Poojed=, _p.p._ Disconcerted, mortified, aghast.
A pooje is a sudden desire to become invisible; as when, entertaining
company, the neat housewife sees a cockroach crawl along the floor.
John was kissing Mary, when Eliza opened the door. It was a pooje. John
and Mary were poojed good. But even this wasn’t as bad as when John
tried to kiss Eliza. She poojed him. “Sir!” she said, “how _dare_ you?”
Last night I dreamed that I was standing on the corner of Forty-second
Street and Broadway at 10-45 P.M. just as the theatre crowd swept by.
Yes, of course you know the sensation well--I was in my night-gown, with
bare feet! Was I poojed? Rath-_er_! (See _Agowilt_.)
Also, you can get poojed merely by trying to step up a top stair which
doesn’t happen to be there, or by being caught putting one cent in the
contribution-plate.
Never listen at the keyhole when a man and his wife are quarreling
inside; he may suddenly open the door and pooje you. (See _Bimp_.)
_Said Parks to his stenographer,
“All ready? Well, take this!”
And then Parks gave the girl a hug,
And then gave her a kiss._
_Just then the door was opened wide,
And his surprise was huge--
’Twas Parks’s wife; he nearly died,
For Parks was in a pooje!_
=Quink=, _n._ 1. An expression or mood of anxious expectancy;
absorbed determination.
=Quinked=, _p.p._ Haggardly resolute, with the excitement of
suspense.
=Quink´y=, _a._ Tense, uncertain, fearful.
A quink is the Welch rarebit face, the expression of one serving at
tennis, or playing a difficult pool shot,--lifting the ball out of a bad
golf hazard.
Women are quinked when they open a telegram; a boy, as he lights a
fire-cracker. A girl, when in front of the glass, as she turns around to
see if her underskirt is hanging down behind. A man, when he reads the
ticker tape, during a panic, or is buttoning up the back of his wife’s
dress.
A waiter is quinked when his customer takes the change from the
plate--how much will be the tip? The cook, when she is trying the candy
in a cup of cold water. The mother, as she waits for the fever to turn.
(See _Squinch_.)
A quink is that expression you have on your face just before the tooth
is pulled; the minute before the flashlight goes off; when she pulls the
trigger of the gun.
You are quinked when you wait for someone who is late, or when you hurry
to catch the last train, with only four seconds to spare.
The fat man’s face is quinked, when he tries to tie his own shoes. It is
the face of the man, swimming under water, or of the playwright, on his
opening night. (See _Snosh_.)
_On Henry’s face the lines were set,
Distraught, he frowned and blinked;
Why? He was all alone, and yet
He was severely quinked._
_He heard the bell, but to the door
He dared not go, to-day;
For he was quinked until that bore
At last had walked away._
=Quis´ty=, _a._ Useful and reliable but not ornamental.
=Quis´ter=, _n._ A person or thing that is beloved for its
efficiency, character or worth, rather than for decorative value.
She was not beautiful, but she was business-like; she knew how to spell
“its” and “it’s” and “there” and “their” and “they’re.” Her employer did
not propose to her or take her out to dinner, but he would not have
parted with her for a fortune. She was quisty. (See _Splooch_.)
The little tin motor-car your sporting friends call a “road-louse” will
go as far as his gas-drinking, tire-burning, oil-consuming “Complex” and
for one-tenth the money. It isn’t pretty, and it isn’t expensive, but
it’s quisty.
Your jimmy-pipe is quisty, and so is that old mangy dressing-gown and
that comfortable, worn pair of corsets, and those shabby shoes you hate
to throw away. (See _Gefoojet_.)
Awful were the ugly apartments of the 80’s, but the rooms were large and
airy; no such quisty flats nowadays.
Do you use an old-fashioned barber-style razor? Why? Because it’s
quisty. That’s why you use that prehistoric stylographic pen, instead of
a fountain, with a stiff, scratchy nib. (See _Wijjicle_.)
Is your faithful, sympathetic wife a quister? Remember, it’s always the
best-looking women who go through the divorce courts.
_A pretty maid had Mrs. Slade,
And Mr. Slade admired her;
He used to glance at her askance
So much the Mrs. fired her._
_A quisty maid now cooks for Slade,
She’s uglier and thinner,
But Mrs. Slade is much dismayed;
Slade won’t come home to dinner._
=Quoob=, _n._ 1. A misfit, an incompetent person. 2. A person or
thing obviously out of place. 3. One not worldly wise.
=Quoob=, _v._ To act differently than the rest; to commit a solecism;
to be in the wrong place.
As you stand on the doorstep arrayed in your best, a sudden pang smites
you. The door is opened. There is a look of blank astonishment, as you
are ushered in. No hostess comes to greet you, no gay appareled guests
are there. You are a quoob. The dinner is _next_ Thursday, not to-night.
(See _Zobzib_.)
Which is worse, to be the only one in evening dress, when all the rest
are modestly clad, or to be yourself in street-clothes, surrounded by
low-necks and jewelry? In either case, you are a quoob.
If you are a natural born quoob, you are the only one of all the
audience to applaud, or cheer. At that sudden lull in the conversation,
you are the one to speak aloud. “No, I must say, I prefer the
old-fashioned night-gowns.”
Sadly the quoob waits in the drug-store for the girl who never comes.
(See _Quink_.) He goes to a party thought to be smart, to find he is the
only one of importance.
A woman who is too tall is a quoob, or a man who is too short. So are
you, when in rain coat and rubbers, after the sun has come out, or
returning home in the morning, in your last night’s dress suit.
_I dreamed that I went out to walk
In but my nightshirt clad!
I was a Quoob; I could not talk;
Oh, what a time I had!_
_But that was nothing to my plight
When dining with Miss Lee--
They all wore evening clothes that night
Except one Quoob--’twas me!_
[Illustration: QUOOB]
=Rawp=, _n._ 1. A reliably-unreliable person. 2. One who means well.
3. A kind of husband.
=Raw´pus=, _a._ 1. Dilatory. 2. Semi-efficient.
The rawp can be absolutely depended upon to forget to bring “that book”
he borrowed and that now you need.
Unreliable? Oh, you can depend upon him never to keep any engagement
promptly; you would so much rather that he would fail utterly--then you
could properly scorn and suppress him. (See _Zobzib_.)
But he _does_ answer his letters--after a while. He _does_ mail
letters--after they are sufficiently smooched and crumpled in his coat
pocket. The rawp, like the zobzib, is almost always late for the train,
late enough at any time to give you a hygog.
Rawpus is the clerk who makes errors in his additions; the typewriter
who spells “to” in three ways--_all_ wrong, is also rawpus. (See
_Splooch_.)
“Did you get me that spool of red silk I asked you to this morning?”
said Mrs. Smith. No, he forgot it. Mr. Smith is a rawp.
“Did you ring up Green and tell him to send a man to mow the lawn?”
asked Mr. Smith. No, she didn’t; Mrs. Smith is a rawp.
And little Sammie Smith, who never goes to bed until he’s been told
seven times--what then is he? A rawpet?
_When Mr. Rawp arrived, the boat
Was sailing from the pier,
And Mrs. Rawp was there, afloat--
So far, and yet so near!_
_No wonder Mrs. Rawp was vexed,
For she returned, to find
He took the steamer sailing next,
And she was left behind!_
=Riz´gid-get=, _n._ 1. A state of mental inertia or indecision; an
inability to make up one’s mind; a case of rival possibilities. 2.
One who is lazily undecided.
You get the commonest, the most usual rizgidget in the restaurant: “What
shall we have to eat?” But in seeking a gown, a hat or a wedding
present, the rizgidget is always lying in wait for you, ready to infect
you with mental sleeping sickness. It can catch you in the park and
prevent your being able to decide even which side of the fountain to
pass.
“Where shall we go on our vacation--to the mountains or the seashore?”
This is the rizgidget which blooms perennially on June 1st. (See
_Uglet_.)
“How much ought I to ask for it?” This is the rizgidget that has
prevented many a sale.
“Which man shall I accept?” So the popular maiden is rizgidgeted.
“It looks like rain; shall we go or stay?” “Shall we sell our stocks, or
hang on?” We cannot make up our minds; we are the victims of a
rizgidget.
Why, every time you have a dinner party, you have the rizgidgets over
whom to invite. (See _Cowcat_.)
_A donkey with two bales of hay,
So does the fable run,
Rizgidgeted the livelong day,
Deciding on “which one?”_
_So, with a stupid brain that’s stirred
By sluggish fuss and fidget,
Deciding what to name this word
Do I delay--rizgidget!_
=Rowtch=, _n._ One who has elaborate gastronomic technique.
=Rowtch=, _v._ 1. To accomplish strange maneuvers over food by means
of a knife and fork. 2. To eat audibly or with excessive unction.
For the “Kansas City” or “banjo grip,” the rowtch, taking the fork in
his left hand, places his thumb and little finger below, while the
first, second and third fingers, as if touching the strings, press down
upon the top of the instrument. (See _Wog_.)
The “Texan” grip is still more desperate; the fork is gripped as if
about to stab--indeed it does stab, too!
Rowtching, however, can be done with a knife, as in the well known
operation upon the tonsils, incidental to meals among our lower classes;
the knife may be used to rowtch peas, or as a tool in that form of
food-modeling which children affect.
More delicate and refined, more dainty and feminine is that form of
rowtching which consists in jabbing a piece of meat upon the fork and
adding dabs of potato, turnip and gravy until the utensil is heaped with
its heterogeneous burden. Mashing and smoothing down of potato and
smearing it with butter affords the rowtch opportunity for his plastic
skill, or you may swirl your soda water glass.
Vegecide, the cutting of cooked potatoes and garden truck with a knife,
is the only rowtch that obtains in high life.
_A conscientious eater was
My mother’s Uncle Bill;
We liked to see him eat, because
He liked to eat his fill._
_And when he’d rowtched the meat and bread
And things all out of sight,
He pushed away his plate and said
“Lord, where’s my appetite!”_
=Skinje=, _v._ To feel shudderingly; to annoy your fingers; to shrink
from; to set your teeth on edge.
=Skinjed=, _p.p._ To have one’s tactile nerves outraged.
=Skin´jid=, _a._ Harsh, rough or gritty.
Did you ever skinje a broken finger-nail on satin? “Alias, Jimmy
Valentine” can rub his finger-tips on sandpaper, but it’s too skinjid
for poor little Me.
My Aunt Eliza’s hands are skinjid; no wonder, she _will_ wash them in
soft-soap. And every time I kiss her chapped lips, I am horribly
skinjed. (See _Vorge_.)
James Whitcomb Riley, in a pathetic little verse, tells of a sensitive,
delicate young lady who loved to draw her finger-nails in long, sweet
scratches down the plastered walls, skinjing them pathetically. You and
I prefer to scratch bricks or blackboards--they are more skinjid. Do new
towels skinje you? Do you skinje at wet velvet? Can you bite a skinjid
file? Your collar--has it a skinjid edge?
“Put more starch in them lace curtains before you iron ’em,” says Mrs.
O’Hatchet to the hired girl. “Mr. Masters always likes to feel of ’em
before he goes to bed.” (See _Kripsle_.)
_As skinjid as a plaster wall,
As skinjid as a file,
So is the world when I am broke;
I cannot laugh or smile._
_But when my purse is full and fat
I know no teasing twinge;
I meet so much to giggle at
Nothing can make me skinje!_
=Sky´scrim-ble=, _v._ 1. To go off at a tangent; to fly into space.
2. To make a wild flight from an untenable intellectual position.
The acrobat on the flying trapeze skyscrimbles in a thrilling arc from
perch to perch. So skyscrimbles the philosopher into words of seven
syllables, when you ask him about the Deity. (See _Gubble_ and
_Edicle_.)
A woman caught in an inconsistency skyscrimbles through an hour of
fantastic argument.
When Wilson won, red Republicans skyscrimbled up into the Democratic
fold. (See _Eegot_.)
Tell a Socialist that “You can’t change human nature,”--he skyscrimbles
in Marxian metaphysics.
So, when you complain of your laundry, or your telephone service, or the
railroad company’s neglect, men skyscrimble, passing the blame from one
to another.
Ask one actress about another’s age.... “Why, she was in the Murray Hill
Stock Company when Dustin Farnum used to” ... etc., etc., etc.... A
skyscrimble.
_I asked a Suffragette one day,
Whose wits were neat and nimble,
Why she had rouged her cheeks that way--
She did a quick skyscrimble._
_I told a man ’twas funny that
His overcoat was new
While wifey wore her last year’s hat--
And he skyscrimbled, too!_
=Slub=, _n._ 1. A mild illness, that does not really incapacitate. 2.
A “headache.” 3. An indisposition, manufactured for an especial
occasion.
=Slub´by=, _a._ Feeling the necessity of a good excuse.
A slub is a cold, a headache, a boil or any affection in the
disreputable underworld of disease. There’s nothing of the aristocracy
of pain in the slub. It is, so to speak, a mere working illness.
Men’s slubs, however, are more intense than women’s. A man when he has a
slub, says, “Oh pshaw! it’s nothing.” But he expects, all the same, to
be assiduously attended. Every woman in the household must minister to
his misery. (See _Varm_.)
Women have slubs innumerable, and for the most part say nothing about
them, unless they want an excuse for staying away from a party. When the
society woman has a slub, she sends for a good looking doctor. (See
_Alibosh_.)
Children, however, are oftener slubby--when they don’t want to go to
school or to church the slub works overtime. (See _Uglet_ and _Moosoo_.)
Shop-girls are not allowed to have slubs.
_“I have a slub!” the maiden said,
“I cannot go with you.
“You’ll have to go without me, Fred!”
And Fred felt slubby, too._
_But when, at ten o’clock, or so,
He found his girl disdainful
Maxixing with his hated foe
Fred’s slub grew really painful!_
=Snosh=, _n._ 1. Vain talk; 1000 words to the square idea. 2. A
talker from whom no results are expected; one who cannot be taken
seriously. 3. A project or enterprise that is born dead.
Wall Street is where the snosh abounds. Advertise, circularize, collect
and disappear--that’s how they work the gold-mine snosh. (See
_Alibosh_.)
Queer, isn’t it--a man who’s always “full of schemes” is always a snosh,
while a crank with one idea may succeed. Why? A snosh is always
imitating something. He is the theatrical manager who follows up a
successful play with a third-rate duplicate.
But, talking about plays, did you ever talk to a society woman who was
writing one? It’s a snosh. In the first place, she won’t finish it until
the year 1977 and then it will take her a double-lifetime to find a big
enough fool to produce it. Broadway is lined with snoshes--but the word
isn’t necessarily theatrical. The smart restaurant that insists on
evening dress is a snosh--and so is an actress who says she loves you.
In Reno dwells the married snosh. Any wedding performed upon a bride and
groom under the age of 25 is a snosh. So is a marriage with a Count.
(See _Pawdle_.)
_Miss Pittsburgh swore that she would wed
A title, and by Gosh,
Miss Pittsburgh did; her father paid
A million for a snosh._
_And now, although he swears at her,
It is a Count that swears,
And over eyes he’s black-and-blued
A coronet she wears!_
=Spigg=, _n._ 1. Any decoration of overt vanity. 2. Extrinsic charms.
3. Things worn obviously to attract notice.
=Spig´get-y=, _a._ Prinked, elaborately adorned.
Paint, powder, dyed hair, court plaster patches, artificial dimples,
highly manicured and rouged nails, blacking under the eyes, whiting
under the chin, rouged ears, lead-penciled eyebrows, loaded eye-lashes
are spigg. (See _Wowze_.)
Jewelry is spigg; spigg is the treasure-chest of would-be beauty, the
ammunition of the bogus Cupid.
In some latitudes, ladies are spigged with tattoo marks and nose-rings;
in others, with marceled hair and low-necked gowns. (See _Varm_.)
Men spigg themselves with fancy socks and curled moustaches. In the
cart-horse parade, Old Dobbin spiggs his braided tail with ribbons.
For spigg is nothing but a vanity that is not ashamed to advertise
itself; but advertising is one of the most difficult of arts, wherefore
now its appeal is as grotesque as the three fat seasick plumes in the
dowager’s hair, and now it is as delicate as the violets in a
debutante’s bosom.
_So spiggety was cousin Grace,
When I was there last night,
I could not even see her face;
She was a shocking sight!_
_“Why all this flour and whitewash, dear?
Why so much black-and-red?”
“Because I’d feel so nude, this year,
Without my spigg,” she said._
=Spil´lix=, _n._ 1. Undeserved good luck; accidental success. 2. A
lucky stroke, beyond one’s normal ability.
=Spil´lix-y=, _a._ Exceptional, lucky, uncharacteristic. Untrue to
“form.”
At pool, tennis or golf, the spillix aids the amateur with proverbial
luck. A spillix is winning a prize in the lottery; is the business deal,
that unexpectedly goes through; is meeting an influential friend when
you are in your best clothes. Getting a position by inadvertently
happening to be right on the spot.
A bargain is a spillix; an exciting conversation overheard on the
telephone. (See _Frowk_.)
Thousands of people, intending to cross on the Titanic, took the next
boat following--and boasted of the spillix.
It’s a spillix, to find money in the street; also to discover that the
chaperon is more charming than the girl herself. Through a spillix, you
blunder into success. (See _Zobzib_.)
Every young May that weds a rich old December, prays for a spillix, but
he seldom dies to leave her a fascinating widow in becoming robes of
black.
A spillix is a lucid interval, or the bright remark of a fool.
_His first shot to the bull’s eye flew--
He would not shoot--for then
It was a spillix, and he knew
He would not score again._
_So, when he wed the girl he sought,
We thought ’twas rather funny--
It was a spillix; for she thought,
Alas, that he had money!_
=Splooch=, _n._ 1. A failure, a ruin. 2. One who doesn’t know his
business; a bad amateur. 3. Exorbitantly overpaid service.
One thinks at first naturally of a restaurant; there are more splooch
waiters than anything else in the world. Next, come servant girls, the
splooch that burns the soup and leaves the salt out of the bread. A cake
with an ingrowing stomach is a splooch. A suit of clothes that looks
anxious about the shoulderblades--wet hay--bug-eaten potato plants and
pears with worms inside--splooches all.
Most musical comedies are splooches, most stories in the magazines, most
janitors. (See _Jurp_.)
What then, of the dentist who pulls out the sound tooth by mistake, or
the surgeon who takes out your appendix but leaves his eye-glasses
inside? He’s a medico-splooch.
Then there’s the vaudeville juggler who splooches the balls and the
singer who’s off the key. (See _Snosh_.)
Every day on Wall Street ten thousand lambs make splooch investments,
hoping to become captains of finance.
_I’ll never dine at Mack’s again;
The splooch that slings the eats
He makes me wait an hour, and then
He serves me corn, for beets!_