Forty years ago, I used to be a great traveller, and was pretty well
acquainted with the means of transportation then in use; but about
that time, I retired to the country and settled upon a small farm,
where I have, until lately, pursued the even tenor of my way. During
the last summer, some business compelled me to set out for a distant
point, and I left my little home with extreme reluctance. As I was to
travel in a world about which I knew but little, except through the
newspapers, I thought it right to rig myself out in somewhat better
style than usual, so I put on my best _bib_ and _tucker_ and repaired
to town and sought a barber’s shop to get my hair cut and my beard
shaved, humming, as I went along, the old song,
“I called to the barber, come shave me boy, do you hear,
And I’ll give you sixpence for to spend in ale or beer;
Shave me, shave me, barber come shave me,
Make me look neat and spruce that Molly may have me.”
Sixpence quotha!—it cost me four and sixpence, at the least. When I
opened the door, I was so much astonished at the elegance of the
apartment, that I drew back, and would have retired, thinking I had
made some mistake, when two or three fellows flew out upon me, and
began brushing my coat with such impetuous violence, that I could not
escape from them; indeed, it was with much ado that I could prevent my
ears from being brushed off, by their whizzing brooms. I was as
restive, you may depend upon it, as my horse is under a cedar broom;
twice they struck me severe blows on the cheek, but always begged
pardon, so I could not be offended; and, indeed, I had made up my mind
when I left home, not to betray my ignorance of present customs. All
this time two small _shavers_ were dusting my boots, and I protest it
was with much difficulty I could keep my legs. After considerable
suffering on my part, and repeated declarations of my being satisfied
with their services, and paying each of them something, (for I saw
they expected it,) they desisted. I now expressed a wish to be shaved
and trimmed, and was immediately disrobed, and ushered to a
high-backed chair, where my head was roughly thrown back, my chin
tucked, and the operation of shaving performed in the _twinkling of an
ejaculation_. It did not take long to cut my hair and strangle me with
cologne water; but what was my surprise, when they were done with me,
to find the whole of my occiput as bare as the palm of my hand, and
nothing left upon my head but a few straggling locks at the side, time
having already stripped naked my forehead. I was sadly vexed, but what
could I say? I had voluntarily put myself in their power, and was
devoutly glad when I got into the street, that I had escaped alive
from their hands. Well, I had now paid four-and-sixpence; I had lost
all my hair; my face had been scratched by brooms and lacerated by a
razor, and I had learned in exchange, that barbers were different
folks now-a-days from what they used to be, and that men were brushed
down like horses—rather a bad speculation! I had not been in this
world, it is true, “ever since king Pepin was a little boy,” but I was
pretty old, and had never been treated so unceremoniously in my life.
I had imagined when I entered the house, that I was going into just
such a shop as my old friend Kippin used to keep, who received me with
the profoundest of bows, and shaved me with a solemnity of manner that
suited my temper exactly. No tawdry ornaments hung upon his walls; no
mirrors flashed wheresoever you turned; no newspapers lay scattered
around; no {734} Helen Jewetts or other engravings caught your eye.
His walls were mute as “Tara’s Halls”—a piece of broken looking-glass
stood upon the table, and an old shaving-can, encrusted with the smoke
of a thousand fires, sat disconsolately in the chimney; but,
nevertheless, these modern fellows cannot shave as Kippin “_used to
could_.” There is too much hurry in every thing now-a-days! It is
true, shaving must be done by steam—the water ought to be hot, but the
razor travels too incontinently fast, and the whirlpools in my beard
cannot be crossed over with such despatch—but pshaw! this is nothing
to what I have to tell of the changes in this world. My first trip was
to be made in a steamboat which was to _start_ (fly, perhaps, would be
a better word) at ten o’clock at night. I had never been in one,
having been of the same opinion with old what’s his name, who never
could be induced to go on board, not even when the boat was lying at
the wharf without a particle of fire—when urged to go, and told that
there was no earthly danger, he always shook his head doubtingly, and
declared “_there was no knowing when accidents might happen_.”
However, go I must; my business required despatch, and there was no
mode of travelling so expeditious. Accordingly, I went on board, and
passing the fire-room, where they were just _firing up_, I stopped,
with unfeigned horror, and asked myself if, indeed, I was prepared to
die! I almost fancied myself at the entrance of the infernal regions,
and the firemen, all begrimed and black and covered with sweat, seemed
like the imps of the devil, tossing the damned spirits into the
flames. I shuddered and turned away, inwardly vowing if heaven would
be graciously pleased to spare me this time, I would never again,
voluntarily, put myself in the way of being burnt to death. I
proceeded to the cabin, which I found, as yet, unoccupied, and you may
be certain if the barber’s shop had surprised me, my amazement was now
complete, at finding myself in the most splendid apartment I had ever
beheld. I shall not attempt any description, because I have no doubt,
Mr. Editor, you have seen many a one; all I shall say is, that having
examined every thing with as much wonder as did parson Polyglott when
“_he dinner’d wi’ a Lord_,” I laid myself down in a birth, and could
not satisfy myself of my personal identity, any more than could _he_
who went once to see some great man, and was treated with so much
distinction, that when he retired to bed, he lay some time revolving
all that had passed, and the scene around him, and exclaimed, “can
this be me!” Putting his foot out of bed, (he had a remarkable foot,)
egad! he cried, that is certainly _my foot_. Just so, clapping my hand
to the back of my head, and feeling that the barber had nearly scalped
me, I became assured that it was indeed your humble servant, and was
trying to compose myself, when I heard a cry of “the stage is come,”
and in a few moments in walked the captain and seated himself at his
writing-table, and immediately afterwards forty passengers, at least,
rushed into the cabin, all talking in the loudest key, and dressed in
every variety of mode, and seeming to strive with one another who
should get first to the captain to pay his money. What does this mean?
thought I; wherefore such hurry? “Why need they be so forward with
death who calls not on them?” as Falstaff says. I soon found out the
cause; they were securing births, and as they passed mine, they
severally peeped into it; at length, one prying more earnestly than
the others, exclaimed, “halloo, my hearty, you are in the wrong box;
you must come out.” I made no reply, and he repeated his command to me
to turn out—still I said nothing, and he turned to the captain: “I say
captain, here’s a Jackson man in my birth.” “Yes,” said I, feeling my
dander rise, as honest Jack Downing says, “and I shall assume the
responsibility of staying in it.” Alas! I reckoned without _my host_,
for the captain came up and desired me to evacuate the premises.
“Why,” said I, “captain, I thought possession was eleven points of
law.” “None of your nonsense, sir,” returned he, and took hold of my
arm. Seeing how matters stood, I fixed myself, Dentatus-like, with my
back to the side of the boat, and seizing my hickory stick, defended
myself manfully, but numbers prevailed over valor, and I was, at last,
ignominiously dragged forth, like Smith from the Chickahominy Swamp,
to the no small amusement of the company, some of whom hurraed for old
baldpate. Here was a pretty commencement of my journey! In the end, I
was compelled to sleep upon a table, think o’ that! and imagine my
horror when I found myself stretched out like a corpse, with a sheet
over me!! All my previous fears of being scalded to death rushed upon
my mind, and I made sure that this was indeed my winding-sheet. The
thumping of the boat; the groans of the lever above, leaping and
pitching like some vast giant struggling to be free; the snoring and
snorting around me; the intense heat, produced by the juxta-position
of so many human bodies, effectually banished sleep from my eyelids; I
was “_in a state of dissolution and thaw_,” and wished myself anywhere
else, even in “_the Domdaniel caves under the roots of Ocean_,” if
there were such a place, so that I could escape my present thraldom.
How often have I wondered, said I to myself, that people could be so
foolhardy as to live at the foot of Mount Ætna or Vesuvius, where they
are liable to be overwhelmed in a moment by burning lava; and here am
I, lying near the crater of a volcano, without the hope of escape if
there should be an eruption!! Overwhelmed by the oppressive weight of
my thoughts, I sunk, from absolute exhaustion, about daybreak, into a
doze, from which I was almost immediately aroused by a bell, which I
mistook for the last trump, and springing up, perceived that it
announced our arrival at the place of destination, and I was forced to
huddle on my clothes as fast as possible. Such a scene of confusion
and hurry as now presented itself, baffles my poor powers of
description. Passengers, porters, trunks, wheelbarrows, hackmen, every
body and every thing, in one moving mass upon the wharf, so completely
confounded the few brains I had, that I stood like a fool, while
“hack, sir?” was bawled in one ear, “hack, sir?” in another—“omnibus,
sir? do you go in the omnibus?” One pulled me by the right, another by
the left, until my limbs were almost dislocated. At last, remembering
a little of my latin, I concluded it must be right to go _with all_,
and I cried out “omnibus!” “Your baggage, sir, where is it?” “God only
knows, my friend,” said I. “Is this it, sir?” “Yes, yes.” Into the
omnibus they shoved me, with such despatch, that had I been the
“_stout gentleman_” himself, I am sure none could have seen even the
“broad disk of my pantaloons.” It was the first time in my life, that
I had ever travelled in a carriage without shutting the door, {735}
except once, upon compulsion, when my horses ran off with me; but if
you will credit me, sir, there is no door to an omnibus; so I suppose
omnibus means without a door, but in what language is more than I
pretend to know. Perhaps it may be the _Garamna_ language, but none
but the author of the Doctor can tell that. If you should be
acquainted with the tongue, Mr. Editor, just drop me a hint in your
next number, and I shall be much obliged to you.
Well, praised be heaven, I had escaped the death of a hog, and felt
somewhat revived by the morning air. Away we whirled with great
rapidity to the rail road depot, where the cars were ready to receive
us. We were told that from some irregularity, I never knew what, we
were to be drawn for some miles by horses, and I blessed my stars at
the occurrence, as I had been anticipating, with some dread, that
wonderful velocity of the engines of which I had heard and read so
much; but short-lived indeed was my joy, as it began to be a matter of
interesting speculation whether the cars meeting us, might not,
peradventure, be driven by steam. We had not proceeded far, before our
apprehensions were realized. Just as we turned an abrupt curvature in
the road, there came the engine roaring and snorting upon us!! Mr.
Editor, I have been pursued in my time by a mad bull; I have been upon
the point of being tossed upon his horns; I have been in the imminent
peril of being run over by squadrons of wild horses which had taken
the stampado; I have seen perils by sea and perils by land, but never
had I felt such alarm, such destitution of all hope of escape as now.
Our driver sprang from his seat, and had just time to unhitch his
horses, but what were we to do? One man jumped out and broke his leg,
the rest of us kept our seats. I _could_ not leave mine—I was
transfixed with horror—my eyes were starting from my head and my mouth
wide open. Breathless, we awaited the shock, and soon it came like a
thunder-crash. What happened to others I cannot tell. All I remember
distinctly is that the concussion was so tremendous, that it brought
my two remaining teeth so violently together, that they were both
knocked out; they were the last of the Capulets, and I would not have
taken a thousand dollars a piece for them; it is a wonder I did not
die of fright—my hair, if I had had any, must have turned grey; but
thanks to the barber, I had none. I was taken up more dead than alive,
and nothing could induce me to hazard my life again. I consigned to
the devil all cars, steamboats, rail-roads, their projectors and
inventors, solemnly vowing never to be in a hurry again as long as I
lived, but to remember the old maxim, festina lente—make haste slowly.
My business I abandoned in despair,—bought the dullest horse I could
procure,—sold my trunk and got a pair of saddle-bags, and resolved to
jog slowly and safely homeward. After a fatiguing journey, I reached
my own house, where nobody knew me. When I told my wife who I was and
what had occurred to me, she said it was a judgment upon me for being
such a fool as to cut my hair in _that_ fashion. She will never listen
to me now when I attempt to repeat the particulars of my excursion,
and that is the reason that I have concluded to trouble you with my
history. If it should entertain you, and serve as a warning to my
countrymen not to be in such a confounded hurry in doing every thing,
I shall be repaid for my trouble. The whole world seems to me to be in
a sort of neck-or-nothing state; all the sobriety, frugality and
simplicity of our forefathers seems to be forgotten, and the only
object is, to grow rich suddenly, and time and space must be
annihilated in the pursuit.