It is not often in these dark days that I can sleep as I used to do
before the flood came and swept away all that my soul held dear; but
last night, I was so weary in body with a long journey, that I fell
asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow, and slept on until the
early morning sun came in through the open window, and woke me with its
gentle touch. The air was sweet with spring fragrance, and the first
sound that came to my awakened ears was the song of a little wren, a
little wren who sang even as to-day in the days of my youth and joy,
whose nest is built over the window that was so often a frame for that
dearest-loved face. The song brought with it the recollection of all the
little songster had outlived--the love, hope, and fear that had sprung
up and grown and died, since I had first heard his warbling. And I broke
into those quiet tears that are now my only expression of a grief too
familiar to be passionate.
To-day is the first of June--a year to-day since all was over!
Three years ago, this very day, was to have been my wedding day. June
and its roses were made for lovers, as surely as May, with its May
flowers and little lilies, is the month of Mary the Blessed. I had
always wished to be married in June, and circumstances combined to
render that time more convenient than any other. My love affair had been
a long one, and had met with no obstacles. Our families had always been
intimate, and I remember _him_ a boy of fourteen, when he first came to
live in the house opposite. At sixteen he went to West Point, and when
he came home in his furlough year, I was fifteen. We were both in
Washington until August; it was a long session; his father was in
Congress, and so was mine. Edward Mayne had nothing to do that summer,
and I never had much to occupy me; we saw each other every day, and so
we fell in love. The heads of both families saw all, smiled a little,
and teased a good deal; but no one interfered. My mother said it gave me
occupation and amusement, and helped me to pass the long summer
evenings, which I thought charming, and every one else thought a bore.
It was called a childish flirtation, and when he went back to the
Academy, and I to school, the thing dropped out of notice, and was soon
forgotten.
But not by us. We remembered each other, and, each in our different
lives, we were constant to our early love. And so it came to pass that,
when he came back again, after graduating, we were very glad to see each
other; the old intercourse was renewed, and the old feeling showed
itself stronger for the lapse of years. No one interfered with us; the
intimacy between our families had continued, and when we went to the
seaside for the hot months, the Maynes went to the same place; and in
August Edward had a leave, and came down to join them. I think he would
have come if they had not been there, but that makes no difference now.
One moonlit night, at the end of August, with the waves at our feet
sounding their infinite secret, I promised to marry him; and as we
parted that night at the door of our cottage, I looked at the
silver-streaked waters, and said to him that neither the broad sea of
death nor the stormy sea of life should ever part my soul from his. I
have kept my word.
So we were engaged to be married, and were as happy as two young lovers
ought to be. Both families were delighted, my father only stipulating
that the marriage should not take place immediately. But that we felt no
hardship, as Edward was stationed in Washington; and everything in the
future looked as bright as everything in the past had ever been. We were
sure of a happy winter, and hoped for a gay one, and we had both, though
the cloud that had first appeared when the little wren began his summer
song, had grown larger and darker day by day, until the signs of storm
were no longer to be overlooked, and the fearful prophesied that the day
of peace was over. Still I never dreamed of the difference it would make
to me.
New Tear's Eve it was decided that we should be married on the first of
June. As the clock struck twelve, and the last footfall of the old year
died away, Edward put out his hand to take mine, and said:
'A happy New Tear it will surely be to us, my Laura, for we shall spend
more than half of it together;' and I echoed his 'happy New Year'
without a dread. I knew the storm was coming; I feared its fury; but I
thought myself too secure, too near a haven to be lost; how could I know
that the brave ship was destined to go down in sight of land?
And yet I might have known it. For I came from the North, which was, and
is my home; and he was a Southern man. His family owned property and
slaves in Georgia; and, though Mr. Mayne's political career had
prevented their living there much, they considered it their home. One of
the sons, who was married, lived on the plantation, and managed it well;
the slaves were comparatively happy, and there were strong ties between
them, their master and his family. My sister, who was delicate, had
spent a winter in Florida, and I had accompanied her there. On our way
home we paid a visit to the Mayne plantation; my sister enjoyed herself
very much there, and was pro-slavery from that time; I was then sixteen,
and had always hated it, and what with my fears of snakes, and my
dislike of the black servants, whom I thought either inefficient or
impertinent, and my unconquerable liking for freedom, I was not so
fascinated. Edward Mayne himself did not like a planter's life, and he
thought slavery an evil, but an evil inherited and past curing. He
argued that the disease was not mortal and endurable, and that it would
kill the country to use the knife. His youngest sister and I were the
only two who ever discussed the subject; she talked a great deal of
nonsense, and probably I did, too; and as she always lost her temper, I
thought it wiser to let the subject drop, especially as I did not think
about it a great deal, and it annoyed Edward to have any coolness
between Georgy and me, and he himself never discussed the topic. We were
both very young and very happy, too young and thoughtless to care much
for any great question, so we sang our little song of happiness, and its
music filled our ears until it was no longer possible not to hear the
tumult of the world without.
The first day of January was our last day of perfect peace. Those who
had not thought of the question before had now to answer what part they
meant to take. People discussed less what States would secede, and more
what they would themselves do, and many who are now most firm on one
side or the other were then agitated by doubt and indecision. Events did
not tarry for individual minds. We all know the story now; I need not
repeat it. Still my future seemed unchanged, and I went to New York the
third of January to order my wedding clothes, but I stayed only three or
four days; I was restless for the continued excitement of Washington.
The day I came back Mississippi seceded, and with it went Mr. Davis. I
heard him make that farewell speech which so few listened to unmoved,
and at which I cried bitterly. I went to say good by to him, though I
could not say God speed, for already I was beginning to know that I had
principles, and which side they were on. As we parted, he said, in that
courteous way that has made so many bow at his shrine:
'We shall have you in the South very soon, Miss Laura,' and I did not
say no; but the mist lifted suddenly before my eyes, and I saw the rock
on which my life was to split, and that no striving against the stream
would avail me aught. Still I said nothing, and the days flew swiftly by
on restless wings; days so full of excitement that they seemed to take
years with them in their flight.
It was a lovely morning in February; the air had already a May softness
in it, and the crocuses were bright in the grounds of the Capitol, when
Edward and I went to take our favorite walk, and there, in sight of the
broad river which is now a world-known name of division, he told me he
had made up his mind to leave the army; that there might be fighting,
and he could not fight against his own people, whom he believed to be in
the right; that he thought it more honorable to resign at that moment
than to wait until the hour of need. I could not oppose him, for I knew
he thought he was doing his duty. I remembered how different his
opinions were from mine, and that his whole system of education had
trained him in dissimilar ideas of right from those held in the North.
Georgia was his country, for which he lived, and for which he thought he
ought to die, if need were. The shackles of inherited prejudices
trammelled his spirit, as they might have trammelled the spirit of a
wiser man, who could have shaken them off in the end; but my lover was
not wide-minded, and had not the clear sight that sees over and beyond
these petty lives of ours that are as nothing in the way of a great
principle and a God-bidden struggle; his eyes saw only what they had
been taught to see--his home, in its greenness and beauty, not the dank
soul-malaria, to which, alas! so many of us are acclimated.
He resigned, and his resignation was accepted without delay or
difficulty, as were all resignations in those days. The spring began to
break in all its glory, and the grass grew green in Virginia, on fields
that were trampled and bloody before that battle summer was over. The
little wren sang again its song. This year a song of promise--of promise
never to be fulfilled!
For the news of Sumter came, and the North rose with a cry, and my heart
leaped up within me with a thrill stronger and deeper and more masterful
than any mere personal feeling can ever give; a feeling that rules my
soul to-day even as it ruled in that first excited hour.
Edward went South, and I let him go alone. I could not, I would not go
with him. I had no sympathy, no tenderness, scarcely forgiveness for the
men who had brought the evil upon us. We parted lovers, hoping for days
of peace, and sure of reunion when those days should come; and every
night and every morning I prayed for him; but first I prayed for the
safety of my country, and the victory of our cause.
Time crept on. The battle of Bull Run was fought; he was engaged in it,
and for many, many days I never knew whether he was living or dead. In
the autumn I heard he had been ordered West, and that winter was a time
of anxious days and restless nights. I never heard _from_ him, and I did
not think it fair to write; occasionally I heard _of_ him through an
aunt of his, who lived in Maryland, but she was gall and bitterness
itself on the political question, and never let me know anything she
could possibly keep from me. So my life passed in fruitless wondering
and bitter suspense; I never saw a soldier without thinking of Edward,
and my dreams showed him to me wounded, ill, or dying. No; the dead may
make their voices heard across the gulf that parts us from them, but not
the absent, or his soul would have heard my 'exceeding loud and bitter
cry,' and hearing, must have come.
I must not dwell on this. The days rolled on, and spring brightened the
air, the grass was green again, the dying hope in my heart revived, and
I listened again to the wren's song, and thought it yet promised a
summer for my life. But that was the year of the Peninsular campaign,
and the dying leaves fell on the graves of our bravest and brightest,
and the autumn wind sighed a lamentation in our ears, and our hearts
were mourning bitterly for the defeats of the summer, and no less
bitterly for the dear-bought glory of Antietam. And winter came again:
hope fled with the swallows, and my youth began to leave me.
In the late autumn I went to New York, to pay a visit to a friend. One
night I went with my brother to the theatre. The play was stupid, and
the _entr'actes_ were long. In the middle of the second act, while some
horrible nonsense was being talked upon the stage, I looked around the
theatre, and saw no face I had ever seen before, when a lady near me
moved her fan, and, a little distance beyond her, I saw--with a start I
saw--the face that was never long absent from my thoughts. Changed and
older, and brown and bearded; but I knew him; and he knew me, and
smiled; and there was no doubt in my mind. I was not even surprised. But
to the sickness of sudden joy soon succeeded the sickness of
apprehension. What brought him there? And what would be done to him if
he were discovered? How could I see him and speak to him? Oh! could it
be possible that we might not meet more nearly! I wonder I did not die
during that quarter of an hour. I turned and looked at my brother; his
eyes were fixed upon the stage, and he was as curiously unmoved as if
the world were still steady and firm beneath my feet.
I did not look at Edward again; I feared to betray him; and the green
curtain fell, and my brother said, if I did not mind being left alone
for a few minutes, he would go. He left me, and Edward came to me, and
once more I saw him, and once more I heard his voice. He stayed only one
moment, only long enough to make an appointment with me for the next
morning, and then he left the theatre. The people around us thought
probably that he was a casual acquaintance, if indeed they thought about
it at all; and when my brother came back, he found me looking listless
and bored, and apologized for having been detained.
I had--and still have, thank God!--a friend in whom I trusted; to her I
had recourse, and it was by her help that I was enabled to keep my
appointment. Only those who have known the pain of such a parting can
ever hope to know the joy of such a meeting. I would like to make the
rest of this as short as possible. Edward had run the blockade to see
me; he had been to Washington, had stayed there three days, had heard of
my absence, obtained my address, and followed me to New York; he had
waited until twilight, when he had come to look at the house where I was
staying; as he was walking slowly on the opposite side of the street, he
had seen me come out with my brother, and had followed us to the
theatre. He had trusted to his long beard and the cropping of his curly
head as the most effectual disguise, and so far no one had recognized
him. The only people who had known of his being in Washington were the
friends with whom he stayed, the tailor who had sold him his clothes,
who had a son with Stuart's cavalry, and the girl, my old school friend,
who had given him my address, whom he went to see in the dusk hours of
the afternoon, and who had hospitably received him in the coal
cellar--which struck me, at the moment, as an infallible method of
arousing suspicion. He wanted me to return with him, or to marry him
and follow him by flag of truce; he was sure Providence had made his way
smooth on purpose to effect our union. His arguments were perhaps not
very logical, but they almost convinced me of what I wished to believe.
I was willing to bear the anger of my family, but could not think of
again undergoing the wear and tear of separation. I promised to let him
know my decision early the next morning; I think I should have gone with
him, but that evening we were telegraphed to return to Washington--my
father had been stricken down by apoplexy; and my brother and I went
home in the night train. Edward knew the reason, for he read my father's
death in the morning's newspaper.
Three weeks afterward I had a letter from Edward Mayne by flag of truce;
that was the week before Fredericksburg; and then the agony again began.
It did not last very long. In the early spring came Chancellorsville,
and there Edward was slightly wounded and taken prisoner; he was removed
to the hospital at Point Lookout; his aunt went to nurse him, but I did
not go; he was doing very well, and I thought it was wiser not. And one
day in May--ah! that day!--I was looking out of my window, and I see now
the blue sky, the little white clouds, the roses, and the ivied wall
that I saw when my mother came in and said Mrs. Daingerfield had come to
take me to Edward, who was very ill and anxious to see me. I remember
how the blood seemed to sink away from my heart, and for a moment I
thought I was going to die; but in another moment I knew that I should
live. I was eager and excited, and not unhappy, from that time until the
end was at hand.
I had never been in a hospital before, and there was a long ward full of
men, who all looked to me as if they were dying, through which I passed
to reach the room in which Edward Mayne lay alone. He heard me coming,
and, as I opened the door, he raised himself in bed and put out his hand
to me....
That night the dreadful pain left him, and his aunt said he seemed
brighter and more hopeful; but when the surgeon saw him in the morning,
he shook his head. When the sun set, Edward knew that he should never
again see its evening glories. Into that dark, still room came a greater
than Solomon, and as the dread shadow of his wings fell on my life, I
hushed my prayers and tears. We sat and watched and waited; and there
came back a feeble strength into the worn frame, and he told us what he
wished. He said that perhaps he had been wrong, but he had thought
himself right; at least, he had given his life for his faith, and soon,
soon he would know all. Then he asked them to leave him alone with me
for a little while, and when they came back into the room, nothing
remained of him but the cast-off mortality. The sun was rising in the
east, but his soul was far beyond it; and the sunlight came in and
kissed the quiet pale face, that looked so peaceful and so happy there
could be no lamentation over it.
That day came his parole; the parole which we had so exerted ourselves
to obtain that he might go home to get well; and now it had found him
far beyond the captivity of bar or flesh--a freed spirit, 'gone up on
high.'
The kindness of the Government induced us to ask one more favor, which
was granted us. They let us take him home to Washington and bury him in
the place he had always wished to be buried in; and some Confederate
prisoners were given permission to attend his funeral. So he was buried
as a soldier should be buried, borne to the grave by his comrades, and
mourned by the woman dearest to him. He lies now on the sunniest slope
in that green graveyard, where the waters rush near his resting place,
and the trees make a shade for the daisies that brighten above him.
He died as the sun rose on the first of June; we buried him early on the
morning of the fifth. That night I left Washington, glad that it was to
be no longer my place of residence, glad that my family would soon
follow me to make another home where I could be stung by no
associations. The old house passed into the hands of my elder sister,
who is married to a Congressman from the West. But during this winter I
have been so often homesick, and this early spring has been so chill and
bleak compared with the May days of Washington, that I was fain to come
back for a brief hour; and I have chosen to come in these last May days,
that the first of June might find me here, true to the memory of the
past.
There is nothing left of the old days; the place is changed from what it
once was; the streets swarm with soldiers and strange faces; the houses
are used by Government, or are dwelt in by strangers; there is scarcely
a trace in this Sodom of the Sodom before the flood. No, there is
nothing left for me now, of the things I used to know, except the little
wren, whose song broke my heart this morning; and there is nothing here
for me to care for, except that young grave in Georgetown, whose white
cross bears but the initials and the date. I must now try to make myself
a new life elsewhere, and to-morrow I go forth, shaking off the dust
that soils my garments; hoping for the promise of the rainbow in this
storm--and sure of the strength that will not fail me. O world! be
better than thy wont to thy poor, weary child! O earth! be kindly to a
bruised reed! O hope! thou wilt not leave me till the end--the end for
which I wait.