may be cured or mitigated at least by some contrary passion, good
counsel and persuasion, if it be withstood in the beginning, maturely
resisted, and as those ancients hold, [6171]the nails of it be pared
before they grow too long. No better means to resist or repel it than
by avoiding idleness, to be still seriously busied about some matters
of importance, to drive out those vain fears, foolish fantasies and
irksome suspicions out of his head, and then to be persuaded by his
judicious friends, to give ear to their good counsel and advice, and
wisely to consider, how much he discredits himself, his friends,
dishonours his children, disgraceth his family, publisheth his shame,
and as a trumpeter of his own misery, divulgeth, macerates, grieves
himself and others; what an argument of weakness it is, how absurd a
thing in its own nature, how ridiculous, how brutish a passion, how
sottish, how odious; for as [6172]Hierome well hath it, Odium sui
facit, et ipse novissime sibi odio est, others hate him, and at last he
hates himself for it; how harebrain a disease, mad and furious. If he
will but hear them speak, no doubt he may be cured. [6173]Joan, queen
of Spain, of whom I have formerly spoken, under pretence of changing
air was sent to Complutum, or Alcada de las Heneras, where Ximenius the
archbishop of Toledo then lived, that by his good counsel (as for the
present she was) she might be eased. [6174]For a disease of the soul,
if concealed, tortures and overturns it, and by no physic can sooner be
removed than by a discreet man's comfortable speeches. I will not here
insert any consolatory sentences to this purpose, or forestall any
man's invention, but leave it every one to dilate and amplify as he
shall think fit in his own judgment: let him advise with Siracides cap.
9. 1. Be not jealous over the wife of thy bosom; read that comfortable
and pithy speech to this purpose of Ximenius, in the author himself, as
it is recorded by Gomesius; consult with Chaloner lib. 9. de repub.
Anglor. or Caelia in her epistles, &c. Only this I will add, that if it
be considered aright, which causeth this jealous passion, be it just or
unjust, whether with or without cause, true or false, it ought not so
heinously to be taken; 'tis no such real or capital matter, that it
should make so deep a wound. 'Tis a blow that hurts not, an insensible
smart, grounded many times upon false suspicion alone, and so fostered
by a sinister conceit. If she be not dishonest, he troubles and
macerates himself without a cause; or put case which is the worst, he
be a cuckold, it cannot be helped, the more he stirs in it, the more he
aggravates his own misery. How much better were it in such a case to
dissemble or contemn it? why should that be feared which cannot be
redressed? multae tandem deposuerunt (saith [6175]Vives) quum flecti
maritos non posse vident, many women, when they see there is no remedy,
have been pacified; and shall men be more jealous than women? 'Tis some
comfort in such a case to have companions, Solamen miseris socios
habuisse doloris; Who can say he is free? Who can assure himself he is
not one de praeterito, or secure himself de futuro? If it were his case
alone, it were hard; but being as it is almost a common calamity, 'tis
not so grievously to be taken. If a man have a lock, which every man's
key will open, as well as his own, why should he think to keep it
private to himself? In some countries they make nothing of it, ne
nobiles quidem, saith [6176]Leo Afer, in many parts of Africa (if she
be past fourteen) there's not a nobleman that marries a maid, or that
hath a chaste wife; 'tis so common; as the moon gives horns once a
month to the world, do they to their husbands at least. And 'tis most
part true which that Caledonian lady, [6177]Argetocovus, a British
prince's wife, told Julia Augusta, when she took her up for dishonesty,
We Britons are naught at least with some few choice men of the better
sort, but you Romans lie with every base knave, you are a company of
common whores. Severus the emperor in his time made laws for the
restraint of this vice; and as [6178]Dion Nicaeus relates in his life,
tria millia maechorum, three thousand cuckold-makers, or naturae
monetam adulterantes, as Philo calls them, false coiners, and clippers
of nature's money, were summoned into the court at once. And yet, Non
omnem molitor quae fluit undam videt, the miller sees not all the water
that goes by his mill: no doubt, but, as in our days, these were of the
commonalty, all the great ones were not so much as called in question
for it. [6179]Martial's Epigram I suppose might have been generally
applied in those licentious times, Omnia solus habes, &c., thy goods,
lands, money, wits are thine own, Uxorem sed habes Candide cum populo;
but neighbour Candidus your wife is common: husband and cuckold in that
age it seems were reciprocal terms; the emperors themselves did wear
Actaeon's badge; how many Caesars might I reckon up together, and what
a catalogue of cornuted kings and princes in every story? Agamemnon,
Menelaus, Philippus of Greece, Ptolomeus of Egypt, Lucullus, Caesar,
Pompeius, Cato, Augustus, Antonius, Antoninus, &c., that wore fair
plumes of bull's feathers in their crests. The bravest soldiers and
most heroical spirits could not avoid it. They have been active and
passive in this business, they have either given or taken horns.
[6180]King Arthur, whom we call one of the nine worthies, for all his
great valour, was unworthily served by Mordred, one of his round table
knights: and Guithera, or Helena Alba, his fair wife, as Leland
interprets it, was an arrant honest woman. Parcerem libenter (saith
mine [6181]author) Heroinarum laesae majestati, si non historiae
veritas aurem vellicaret, I could willingly wink at a fair lady's
faults, but that I am bound by the laws of history to tell the truth:
against his will, God knows, did he write it, and so do I repeat it. I
speak not of our times all this while, we have good, honest, virtuous
men and women, whom fame, zeal, fear of God, religion and superstition
contains: and yet for all that, we have many knights of this order, so
dubbed by their wives, many good women abused by dissolute husbands. In
some places, and such persons you may as soon enjoin them to carry
water in a sieve, as to keep themselves honest. What shall a man do now
in such a case? What remedy is to be had? how shall he be eased? By
suing a divorce? this is hard to be effected: si non caste, tamen caute
they carry the matter so cunningly, that though it be as common as
simony, as clear and as manifest as the nose in a man's face, yet it
cannot be evidently proved, or they likely taken in the fact: they will
have a knave Gallus to watch, or with that Roman [6182]Sulpitia, all
made fast and sure,
Ne se Cadurcis destitutam fasciis,
Nudam Caleno concumbentem videat.
she will hardly be surprised by her husband, be he never so wary. Much
better then to put it up: the more he strives in it, the more he shall
divulge his own shame: make a virtue of necessity, and conceal it. Yea,
but the world takes notice of it, 'tis in every man's mouth: let them
talk their pleasure, of whom speak they not in this sense? From the
highest to the lowest they are thus censured all: there is no remedy
then but patience. It may be 'tis his own fault, and he hath no reason
to complain, 'tis quid pro quo, she is bad, he is worse: [6183]Bethink
thyself, hast thou not done as much for some of thy neighbours? why
dost thou require that of thy wife, which thou wilt not perform
thyself? Thou rangest like a town bull, [6184]why art thou so incensed
if she tread, awry?
[6185]Be it that some woman break chaste wedlock's laws,
And leaves her husband and becomes unchaste:
Yet commonly it is not without cause,
She sees her man in sin her goods to waste,
She feels that he his love from her withdraws,
And hath on some perhaps less worthy placed.
Who strike with sword, the scabbard them may strike,
And sure love craveth love, like asketh like.
Ea semper studebit, saith [6186]Nevisanus, pares reddere vices, she
will quit it if she can. And therefore, as well adviseth Siracides,
cap. ix. 1. teach her not an evil lesson against thyself, which as
Jansenius, Lyranus, on his text, and Carthusianus interpret, is no
otherwise to be understood than that she do thee not a mischief. I do
not excuse her in accusing thee; but if both be naught, mend thyself
first; for as the old saying is, a good husband makes a good wife.
Yea but thou repliest, 'tis not the like reason betwixt man and woman,
through her fault my children are bastards, I may not endure it;
[6187]Sit amarulenta, sit imperiosa prodiga, &c. Let her scold, brawl,
and spend, I care not, modo sit casta, so she be honest, I could easily
bear it; but this I cannot, I may not, I will not; my faith, my fame,
mine eye must not be touched, as the diverb is, Non patitur tactum
fama, fides, oculus. I say the same of my wife, touch all, use all,
take all but this. I acknowledge that of Seneca to be true, Nullius
boni jucunda possessio sine socio, there is no sweet content in the
possession of any good thing without a companion, this only excepted, I
say, This. And why this? Even this which thou so much abhorrest, it may
be for thy progeny's good, [6188] better be any man's son than thine,
to be begot of base Irus, poor Seius, or mean Mevius, the town
swineherd's, a shepherd's son: and well is he, that like Hercules he
hath any two fathers; for thou thyself hast peradventure more diseases
than a horse, more infirmities of body and mind, a cankered soul,
crabbed conditions, make the worst of it, as it is vulnus insanabile,
sic vulnus insensibile, as it is incurable, so it is insensible. But
art thou sure it is so? [6189]res agit ille tuas? doth he so indeed? It
may be thou art over-suspicious, and without a cause as some are: if it
be octimestris partus, born at eight months, or like him, and him, they
fondly suspect he got it; if she speak or laugh familiarly with such or
such men, then presently she is naught with them; such is thy weakness;
whereas charity, or a well-disposed mind, would interpret all unto the
best. St. Francis, by chance seeing a friar familiarly kissing another
man's wife, was so far from misconceiving it, that he presently kneeled
down and thanked God there was so much charity left: but they on the
other side will ascribe nothing to natural causes, indulge nothing to
familiarity, mutual society, friendship: but out of a sinister
suspicion, presently lock them close, watch them, thinking by those
means to prevent all such inconveniences, that's the way to help it;
whereas by such tricks they do aggravate the mischief. 'Tis but in vain
to watch that which will away.
[6190]Nec custodiri si velit ulla potest;
Nec mentem servare potes, licet omnia serves;
Omnibus exclusis, intus adulter erit.
None can be kept resisting for her part;
Though body be kept close, within her heart
Advoutry lurks, t'exclude it there's no art.
Argus with a hundred eyes cannot keep her, et hunc unus saepe fefellit
amor, as in [6191]Ariosto,
If all our hearts were eyes, yet sure they said
We husbands of our wives should be betrayed.
Hierome holds, Uxor impudica servari non potest, pudica non debet,
infida custos castitatis est necessitas, to what end is all your
custody? A dishonest woman cannot be kept, an honest woman ought not to
be kept, necessity is a keeper not to be trusted. Difficile custoditur,
quod plures amant; that which many covet, can hardly be preserved, as
[6192] Salisburiensis thinks. I am of Aeneas Sylvius' mind, [6193]Those
jealous Italians do very ill to lock up their wives; for women are of
such a disposition, they will most covet that which is denied most, and
offend least when they have free liberty to trespass. It is in vain to
lock her up if she be dishonest; et tyrranicum imperium, as our great
Mr. Aristotle calls it, too tyrannical a task, most unfit: for when she
perceives her husband observes her and suspects, liberius peccat, saith
[6194]Nevisanus. [6195]Toxica Zelotypo dedit uxor moecha marito, she is
exasperated, seeks by all means to vindicate herself, and will
therefore offend, because she is unjustly suspected. The best course
then is to let them have their own wills, give them free liberty,
without any keeping.
In vain our friends from this do us dehort,
For beauty will be where is most resort.
If she be honest as Lucretia to Collatinus, Laodamia to Protesilaus,
Penelope to her Ulysses, she will so continue her honour, good name,
credit, Penelope conjux semper Ulyssis ero; I shall always be Penelope
the wife of Ulysses. And as Phocias' wife in [6196]Plutarch, called her
husband her wealth, treasure, world, joy, delight, orb and sphere, she
will hers. The vow she made unto her good man; love, virtue, religion,
zeal, are better keepers than all those locks, eunuchs, prisons; she
will not be moved:
[6197]At mihi vel tellus optem prius ima dehiscat,
Aut pater omnipotens adigat me fulmine ad umbras,
Pallentes umbras Erebi, noctemque profundam,
Ante pudor quam te violem, aut tua jura resolvam.
First I desire the earth to swallow me.
Before I violate mine honesty,
Or thunder from above drive me to hell,
With those pale ghosts, and ugly nights to dwell.
She is resolved with Dido to be chaste; though her husband be false,
she will be true: and as Octavia writ to her Antony,
[6198]These walls that here do keep me out of sight,
Shall keep me all unspotted unto thee,
And testify that I will do thee right,
I'll never stain thine house, though thou shame me.
Turn her loose to all those Tarquins and Satyrs, she will not be
tempted. In the time of Valence the Emperor, saith [6199]St. Austin,
one Archidamus, a Consul of Antioch, offered a hundred pounds of gold
to a fair young wife, and besides to set her husband free, who was then
sub gravissima custodia, a dark prisoner, pro unius noctis concubitu:
but the chaste matron would not accept of it. [6200]When Ode commended
Theana's fine arm to his fellows, she took him up short, Sir, 'tis not
common: she is wholly reserved to her husband. [6201]Bilia had an old
man to her spouse, and his breath stunk, so that nobody could abide it
abroad; coming home one day he reprehended his wife, because she did
not tell him of it: she vowed unto him, she had told him, but she
thought every man's breath had been as strong as his. [6202]Tigranes
and Armena his lady were invited to supper by King Cyrus: when they
came home, Tigranes asked his wife, how she liked Cyrus, and what she
did especially commend in him? she swore she did not observe him; when
he replied again, what then she did observe, whom she looked on? She
made answer, her husband, that said he would die for her sake. Such are
the properties and conditions of good women: and if she be well given,
she will so carry herself; if otherwise she be naught, use all the
means thou canst, she will be naught, Non deest animus sed corruptor,
she hath so many lies, excuses, as a hare hath muses, tricks, panders,
bawds, shifts, to deceive, 'tis to no purpose to keep her up, or to
reclaim her by hard usage. Fair means peradventure may do somewhat.
[6203] Obsequio vinces aptius ipse tuo. Men and women are both in a
predicament in this behalf, no sooner won, and better pacified. Duci
volunt, non cogi: though she be as arrant a scold as Xanthippe, as
cruel as Medea, as clamorous as Hecuba, as lustful as Messalina, by
such means (if at all) she may be reformed. Many patient [6204]Grizels,
by their obsequiousness in this kind, have reclaimed their husbands
from their wandering lusts. In Nova Francia and Turkey (as Leah,
Rachel, and Sarah did to Abraham and Jacob) they bring their fairest
damsels to their husbands' beds; Livia seconded the lustful appetites
of Augustus: Stratonice, wife to King Diotarus, did not only bring
Electra, a fair maid, to her good man's bed, but brought up the
children begot on her, as carefully as if they had been her own.
Tertius Emilius' wife, Cornelia's mother, perceiving her husband's
intemperance, rem dissimulavit, made much of the maid, and would take
no notice of it. A new-married man, when a pickthank friend of his, to
curry favour, had showed him his wife familiar in private with a young
gallant, courting and dallying, &c. Tush, said he, let him do his
worst, I dare trust my wife, though I dare not trust him. The best
remedy then is by fair means; if that will not take place, to dissemble
it as I say, or turn it off with a jest: hear Guexerra's advice in this
case, vel joco excipies, vel silentio eludes; for if you take
exceptions at everything your wife doth, Solomon's wisdom, Hercules'
valour, Homer's learning, Socrates' patience, Argus' vigilance, will
not serve turn. Therefore Minus malum, [6205]a less mischief, Nevisanus
holds, dissimulare, to be [6206]Cunarum emptor, a buyer of cradles, as
the proverb is, than to be too solicitous. [6207]A good fellow, when
his wife was brought to bed before her time, bought half a dozen of
cradles beforehand for so many children, as if his wife should continue
to bear children every two months. [6208]Pertinax the Emperor, when one
told him a fiddler was too familiar with his empress, made no reckoning
of it. And when that Macedonian Philip was upbraided with his wife's
dishonesty, cum tot victor regnorum ac populorum esset, &c., a
conqueror of kingdoms could not tame his wife (for she thrust him out
of doors), he made a jest of it. Sapientes portant cornua in pectore,
stulti in fronte, saith Nevisanus, wise men bear their horns in their
hearts, fools on their foreheads. Eumenes, king of Pergamus, was at
deadly feud with Perseus of Macedonia, insomuch that Perseus hearing of
a journey he was to take to Delphos, [6209]set a company of soldiers to
intercept him in his passage; they did it accordingly, and as they
supposed left him stoned to death. The news of this fact was brought
instantly to Pergamus; Attalus, Eumenes' brother, proclaimed himself
king forthwith, took possession of the crown, and married Stratonice
the queen. But by-and-by, when contrary news was brought, that King
Eumenes was alive, and now coming to the city, he laid by his crown,
left his wife, as a private man went to meet him, and congratulate his
return. Eumenes, though he knew all particulars passed, yet dissembling
the matter, kindly embraced his brother, and took his wife into his
favour again, as if on such matter had been heard of or done. Jocundo,
in Ariosto, found his wife in bed with a knave, both asleep, went his
ways, and would not so much as wake them, much less reprove them for
it. [6210]An honest fellow finding in like sort his wife had played
false at tables, and borne a man too many, drew his dagger, and swore
if he had not been his very friend, he would have killed him. Another
hearing one had done that for him, which no man desires to be done by a
deputy, followed in a rage with his sword drawn, and having overtaken
him, laid adultery to his charge; the offender hotly pursued, confessed
it was true; with which confession he was satisfied, and so left him,
swearing that if he had denied it, he would not have put it up. How
much better is it to do thus, than to macerate himself, impatiently to
rave and rage, to enter an action (as Arnoldus Tilius did in the court
of Toulouse, against Martin Guerre his fellow-soldier, for that he
counterfeited his habit, and was too familiar with his wife), so to
divulge his own shame, and to remain for ever a cuckold on record? how
much better be Cornelius Tacitus than Publius Cornutus, to condemn in
such cases, or take no notice of it? Melius sic errare, quam Zelotypiae
curis, saith Erasmus, se conficere, better be a wittol and put it up,
than to trouble himself to no purpose. And though he will not omnibus
dormire, be an ass, as he is an ox, yet to wink at it as many do is not
amiss at some times, in some cases, to some parties, if it be for his
commodity, or some great man's sake, his landlord, patron, benefactor,
(as Calbas the Roman saith [6211]Plutarch did by Maecenas, and Phayllus
of Argos did by King Philip, when he promised him an office on that
condition he might lie with his wife) and so let it pass:
[6212]pol me haud poenitet,
Scilicet boni dimidium dividere cum Jove,
it never troubles me (saith Amphitrio) to be cornuted by Jupiter, let
it not molest thee then; be friends with her;
[6213]Tu cum Alcmena uxore antiquam in gratiam
Redi———
Receive Alcmena to your grace again; let it, I say, make no breach of
love between you. Howsoever the best way is to contemn it, which
[6214]Henry II. king of France advised a courtier of his, jealous of
his wife, and complaining of her unchasteness, to reject it, and
comfort himself; for he that suspects his wife's incontinency, and
fears the Pope's curse, shall never live a merry hour, or sleep a quiet
night: no remedy but patience. When all is done according to that
counsel of [6215]Nevisanus, si vitium uxoris corrigi non potest,
ferendum est: if it may not be helped, it must be endured. Date veniam
et sustinete taciti, 'tis Sophocles' advice, keep it to thyself, and
which Chrysostom calls palaestram philosophiae, et domesticum gymnasium
a school of philosophy, put it up. There is no other cure but time to
wear it out, Injuriarum remedium est oblivio, as if they had drunk a
draught of Lethe in Trophonius' den: to conclude, age will bereave her
of it, dies dolorem minuit, time and patience must end it.
[6216]The mind's affections patience will appease,
It passions kills, and healeth each disease.
SUBSECT. II.—_By prevention before, or after Marriage, Plato's
Community, marry a Courtesan, Philters, Stews, to marry one equal in
years, fortunes, of a good family, education, good place, to use them
well, &c._