pray you learn of them that have experience, for I have none; [5760]
παίδας ἐγὸ λόγους ἐγενσάμην, libri mentis liberi. For my part I'll
dissemble with him,
[5761]Este procul nymphae, fallax genus este puellae,
Vita jugata meo non facit ingenio: me juvat, &c.
many married men exclaim at the miseries of it, and rail at wives
downright; I never tried, but as I hear some of them say, [5762]Mare
haud mare, vos mare acerrimum, an Irish Sea is not so turbulent and
raging as a litigious wife.
[5763]Scylla et Charybdis Sicula contorquens freta,
Minus est timenda, nulla non melior fera est.
Scylla and Charybdis are less dangerous,
There is no beast that is so noxious.
Which made the devil belike, as most interpreters hold, when he had
taken away Job's goods, corporis et fortunae bona, health, children,
friends, to persecute him the more, leave his wicked wife, as Pineda
proves out of Tertullian, Cyprian, Austin, Chrysostom, Prosper,
Gaudentius, &c. ut novum calamitatis inde genus viro existeret, to vex
and gall him worse quam totus infernus than all the fiends in hell, as
knowing the conditions of a bad woman. Jupiter non tribuit homini
pestilentius malum, saith Simonides: better dwell with a dragon or a
lion, than keep house with a wicked wife, Ecclus. xxv. 18. better dwell
in a wilderness, Prov. xxi. 19. no wickedness like to her, Ecclus. xxv.
22. She makes a sorry heart, an heavy countenance, a wounded mind, weak
hands, and feeble knees, vers. 25. A woman and death are two the
bitterest things in the world: uxor mihi ducenda est hodie, id mihi
visus est dicere, abi domum et suspende te. Ter. And. 1. 5. And yet for
all this we bachelors desire to be married; with that vestal virgin, we
long for it, [5764]Felices nuptae! moriar, nisi nubere dulce est. 'Tis
the sweetest thing in the world, I would I had a wife saith he,
For fain would I leave a single life,
If I could get me a good wife.
Heigh-ho for a husband, cries she, a bad husband, nay, the worst that
ever was is better than none: O blissful marriage, O most welcome
marriage, and happy are they that are so coupled: we do earnestly seek
it, and are never well till we have effected it. But with what fate?
like those birds in the [5765]Emblem, that fed about a cage, so long as
they could fly away at their pleasure liked well of it; but when they
were taken and might not get loose, though they had the same meat,
pined away for sullenness, and would not eat. So we commend marriage,
———donec miselli liberi
Aspichmis dominam; sed postquam heu janua clausa est,
Fel intus est quod mel fuit:
So long as we are wooers, may kiss and coll at our pleasure, nothing is
so sweet, we are in heaven as we think; but when we are once tied, and
have lost our liberty, marriage is an hell, give me my yellow hose
again: a mouse in a trap lives as merrily, we are in a purgatory some
of us, if not hell itself. Dulce bellum inexpertis, as the proverb is,
'tis fine talking of war, and marriage sweet in contemplation, till it
be tried: and then as wars are most dangerous, irksome, every minute at
death's door, so is, &c. When those wild Irish peers, saith
[5766]Stanihurst, were feasted by king Henry the Second, (at what time
he kept his Christmas at Dublin) and had tasted of his prince-like
cheer, generous wines, dainty fare, had seen his [5767]massy plate of
silver, gold, enamelled, beset with jewels, golden candlesticks, goodly
rich hangings, brave furniture, heard his trumpets sound, fifes, drums,
and his exquisite music in all kinds: when they had observed his
majestical presence as he sat in purple robes, crowned, with his
sceptre, &c., in his royal seat, the poor men were so amazed,
enamoured, and taken with the object, that they were pertaesi domestici
et pristini tyrotarchi, as weary and ashamed of their own sordidity and
manner of life. They would all be English forthwith; who but English!
but when they had now submitted themselves, and lost their former
liberty, they began to rebel some of them, others repent of what they
had done, when it was too late. 'Tis so with us bachelors, when we see
and behold those sweet faces, those gaudy shows that women make,
observe their pleasant gestures and graces, give ear to their siren
tunes, see them dance, &c., we think their conditions are as fine as
their faces, we are taken, with dumb signs, in amplexum ruimus, we
rave, we burn, and would fain be married. But when we feel the
miseries, cares, woes, that accompany it, we make our moan many of us,
cry out at length and cannot be released. If this be true now, as some
out of experience will inform us, farewell wiving for my part, and as
the comical poet merrily saith,
[5768]Perdatur ille pessime qui foeminam
Duxit secundus, nam nihil primo imprecor!
Ignarus ut puto mali primus fuit.
[5769]Foul fall him that brought the second match to pass,
The first I wish no harm, poor man alas!
He knew not what he did, nor what it was.
What shall I say to him that marries again and again, [5770]Stulta
maritali qui porrigit ora capistro, I pity him not, for the first time
he must do as he may, bear it out sometimes by the head and shoulders,
and let his next neighbour ride, or else run away, or as that
Syracusian in a tempest, when all ponderous things were to be
exonerated out of the ship, quia maximum pondus erat, fling his wife
into the sea. But this I confess is comically spoken, [5771]and so I
pray you take it. In sober sadness, [5772]marriage is a bondage, a
thraldom, a yoke, a hindrance to all good enterprises, (he hath married
a wife and cannot come) a stop to all preferments, a rock on which many
are saved, many impinge and are cast away: not that the thing is evil
in itself or troublesome, but full of all contentment and happiness,
one of the three things which please God, [5773] when a man and his
wife agree together, an honourable and happy estate, who knows it not?
If they be sober, wise, honest, as the poet infers,
[5774]Si commodos nanciscantur amores,
Nullum iis abest voluptatis genus.
If fitly match'd be man and wife,
No pleasure's wanting to their life.
But to undiscreet sensual persons, that as brutes are wholly led by
sense, it is a feral plague, many times a hell itself, and can give
little or no content, being that they are often so irregular and
prodigious in their lusts, so diverse in their affections. Uxor nomen
dignitatis, non voluptatis, as [5775]he said, a wife is a name of
honour, not of pleasure: she is fit to bear the office, govern a
family, to bring up children, sit at a board's end and carve, as some
carnal men think and say; they had rather go to the stews, or have now
and then a snatch as they can come by it, borrow of their neighbours,
than have wives of their own; except they may, as some princes and
great men do, keep as many courtesans as they will themselves, fly out
impune, [5776]Permolere uxores alienas, that polygamy of Turks, Lex
Julia, with Caesar once enforced in Rome, (though Levinus Torrentius
and others suspect it) uti uxores quot et quas vellent liceret, that
every great man might marry, and keep as many wives as he would, or
Irish divorcement were in use: but as it is, 'tis hard and gives not
that satisfaction to these carnal men, beastly men as too many are:
[5777]What still the same, to be tied [5778]to one, be she never so
fair, never so virtuous, is a thing they may not endure, to love one
long. Say thy pleasure, and counterfeit as thou wilt, as [5779]Parmeno
told Thais, Neque tu uno eris contenta, one man will never please thee;
nor one woman many men. But as [5780]Pan replied to his father Mercury,
when he asked whether he was married, Nequaquam pater, amator enim sum
&c. No, father, no, I am a lover still, and cannot be contented with
one woman. Pythias, Echo, Menades, and I know not how many besides,
were his mistresses, he might not abide marriage. Varietas delectat,
'tis loathsome and tedious, what one still? which the satirist said of
Iberina, is verified in most,
[5781]Unus Iberinae vir sufficit? ocyus illud
Extorquebis ut haec oculo contenta sit uno.
'Tis not one man will serve her by her will,
As soon she'll have one eye as one man still.
As capable of any impression as materia prima itself, that still
desires new forms, like the sea their affections ebb and flow. Husband
is a cloak for some to hide their villainy; once married she may fly
out at her pleasure, the name of husband is a sanctuary to make all
good. Eo ventum (saith Seneca) ut nulla virum habeat, nisi ut irritet
adulterum. They are right and straight, as true Trojans as mine host's
daughter, that Spanish wench in [5782]Ariosto, as good wives as
Messalina. Many men are as constant in their choice, and as good
husbands as Nero himself, they must have their pleasure of all they
see, and are in a word far more fickle than any woman.
For either they be full of jealousy,
Or masterfull, or loven novelty.
Good men have often ill wives, as bad as Xanthippe was to Socrates,
Elevora to St. Lewis, Isabella to our Edward the Second; and good wives
are as often matched to ill husbands, as Mariamne to Herod, Serena to
Diocletian, Theodora to Theophilus, and Thyra to Gurmunde. But I will
say nothing of dissolute and bad husbands, of bachelors and their
vices; their good qualities are a fitter subject for a just volume, too
well known already in every village, town and city, they need no
blazon; and lest I should mar any matches, or dishearten loving maids,
for this present I will let them pass.
Being that men and women are so irreligious, depraved by nature, so
wandering in their affections, so brutish, so subject to disagreement,
so unobservant of marriage rites, what shall I say? If thou beest such
a one, or thou light on such a wife, what concord can there be, what
hope of agreement? 'tis not conjugium but conjurgium, as the Reed and
Fern in the [5783]Emblem, averse and opposite in nature: 'tis twenty to
one thou wilt not marry to thy contentment: but as in a lottery forty
blanks were drawn commonly for one prize, out of a multitude you shall
hardly choose a good one: a small ease hence then, little comfort,
[5784]Nec integrum unquam transiges laetus diem.
If he or she be such a one,
Thou hadst much better be alone.
If she be barren, she is not—&c. If she have [5785]children, and thy
state be not good, though thou be wary and circumspect, thy charge will
undo thee,—foecunda domum tibi prole gravabit, [5786]thou wilt not be
able to bring them up, [5787]and what greater misery can there be than
to beget children, to whom thou canst leave no other inheritance but
hunger and thirst? [5788]cum fames dominatur, strident voces rogantium
panem, penetrantes patris cor: what so grievous as to turn them up to
the wide world, to shift for themselves? No plague like to want: and
when thou hast good means, and art very careful of their education,
they will not be ruled. Think but of that old proverb, ᾑρώων τέκνα
πήματα, heroum filii noxae, great men's sons seldom do well; O utinam
aut coelebs mansissem, aut prole carerem! would that I had either
remained single, or not had children, [5789]Augustus exclaims in
Suetonius. Jacob had his Reuben, Simeon and Levi; David an Amnon, an
Absalom, Adoniah; wise men's sons are commonly fools, insomuch that
Spartian concludes, Neminem prope magnorum virorum optimum et utilem
reliquisse filium: [5790]they had been much better to have been
childless. 'Tis too common in the middle sort; thy son's a drunkard, a
gamester, a spendthrift; thy daughter a fool, a whore; thy servants
lazy drones and thieves; thy neighbours devils, they will make thee
weary of thy life. [5791]If thy wife be froward, when she may not have
her will, thou hadst better be buried alive; she will be so impatient,
raving still, and roaring like Juno in the tragedy, there's nothing but
tempests, all is in an uproar. If she be soft and foolish, thou wert
better have a block, she will shame thee and reveal thy secrets; if
wise and learned, well qualified, there is as much danger on the other
side, mulierem doctam ducere periculosissimum, saith Nevisanus, she
will be too insolent and peevish, [5792]Malo Venusinam quam te Cornelia
mater. Take heed; if she be a slut, thou wilt loathe her; if proud,
she'll beggar thee, so [5793]she'll spend thy patrimony in baubles, all
Arabia will not serve to perfume her hair, saith Lucian; if fair and
wanton, she'll make thee a cornuto; if deformed, she will paint.
[5794]If her face be filthy by nature, she will mend it by art, alienis
et adscititiis imposturis, which who can endure? If she do not paint,
she will look so filthy, thou canst not love her, and that peradventure
will make thee dishonest. Cromerus lib. 12. hist., relates of
Casimirus,[5795]that he was unchaste, because his wife Aleida, the
daughter of Henry, Landgrave of Hesse, was so deformed. If she be poor,
she brings beggary with her (saith Nevisanus), misery and discontent.
If you marry a maid, it is uncertain how she proves, Haec forsan veniet
non satis apta tibi. [5796]If young, she is likely wanton and untaught;
if lusty, too lascivious; and if she be not satisfied, you know where
and when, nil nisi jurgia, all is in an uproar, and there is little
quietness to be had; If an old maid, 'tis a hazard she dies in
childbed; if a [5797]rich widow, induces te in laqueum, thou dost
halter thyself, she will make all away beforehand, to her other
children, &c.—[5798]dominam quis possit ferre tonantem? she will hit
thee still in the teeth with her first husband; if a young widow, she
is often insatiable and immodest. If she be rich, well descended, bring
a great dowry, or be nobly allied, thy wife's friends will eat thee out
of house and home, dives ruinam aedibus inducit, she will be so proud,
so high-minded, so imperious. For—nihil est magis intolerabile dite,
there's nothing so intolerable, thou shalt be as the tassel of a
goshawk, [5799]she will ride upon thee, domineer as she list, wear the
breeches in her oligarchical government, and beggar thee besides.
Uxores divites servitutem exigunt (as Seneca hits them, declam. lib. 2.
declam. 6.)—Dotem accepi imperium perdidi. They will have sovereignty,
pro conjuge dominam arcessis, they will have attendance, they will do
what they list. [5800]In taking a dowry thou losest thy liberty, dos
intrat, libertas exit, hazardest thine estate.
Hae sunt atque aliae multae in magnis dotibus
Incommoditates, sumptusque intolerabiles, &c.
with many such inconveniences: say the best, she is a commanding
servant; thou hadst better have taken a good housewife maid in her
smock. Since then there is such hazard, if thou be wise keep thyself as
thou art, 'tis good to match, much better to be free.
[5801]—procreare liberos lepidissimum.
Hercle vero liberum esse, id multo est lepidius.
[5802]Art thou young? then match not yet; if old, match not at all.
Vis juvenis nubere? nondum venit tempus.
Ingravescente aetate jam tempus praeteriit.
And therefore, with that philosopher, still make answer to thy friends
that importune thee to marry, adhuc intempestivum, 'tis yet
unseasonable, and ever will be.
Consider withal how free, how happy, how secure, how heavenly, in
respect, a single man is, [5803]as he said in the comedy, Et isti quod
fortunatum esse autumant, uxorem nunquam habui, and that which all my
neighbours admire and applaud me for, account so great a happiness, I
never had a wife; consider how contentedly, quietly, neatly,
plentifully, sweetly, and how merrily he lives! he hath no man to care
for but himself, none to please, no charge, none to control him, is
tied to no residence, no cure to serve, may go and come, when, whither,
live where he will, his own master, and do what he list himself.
Consider the excellency of virgins, [5804] Virgo coelum meruit,
marriage replenisheth the earth, but virginity Paradise; Elias,
Eliseus, John Baptist, were bachelors: virginity is a precious jewel, a
fair garland, a never-fading flower; [5805]for why was Daphne turned to
a green bay-tree, but to show that virginity is immortal?
[5806]Ut flos in septis secretus nascitur hortis,
Ignotus pecori, nullo contusus aratro,
Quam mulcent aurae, firmat sol, educat imber, &c.
Sic virgo dum intacta manet, dum chara suis, sed
Cum Castum amisit, &c.———
Virginity is a fine picture, as [5807]Bonaventure calls it, a blessed
thing in itself, and if you will believe a Papist, meritorious. And
although there be some inconveniences, irksomeness, solitariness, &c.,
incident to such persons, want of those comforts, quae, aegro assideat
et curet aegrotum, fomentum paret, roget medicum, &c., embracing,
dalliance, kissing, colling, &c., those furious motives and wanton
pleasures a new-married wife most part enjoys; yet they are but toys in
respect, easily to be endured, if conferred to those frequent
encumbrances of marriage. Solitariness may be otherwise avoided with
mirth, music, good company, business, employment; in a word,
[5808]Gaudebit minus, et minus dolebit; for their good nights, he shall
have good days. And methinks some time or other, amongst so many rich
bachelors, a benefactor should be found to build a monastical college
for old, decayed, deformed, or discontented maids to live together in,
that have lost their first loves, or otherwise miscarried, or else are
willing howsoever to lead a single life. The rest I say are toys in
respect, and sufficiently recompensed by those innumerable contents and
incomparable privileges of virginity. Think of these things, confer
both lives, and consider last of all these commodious prerogatives a
bachelor hath, how well he is esteemed, how heartily welcome to all his
friends, quam mentitis obsequiis, as Tertullian observes, with what
counterfeit courtesies they will adore him, follow him, present him
with gifts, humatis donis; it cannot be believed (saith [5809]Ammianus)
with what humble service he shall be worshipped, how loved and
respected: If he want children, (and have means) he shall be often
invited, attended on by princes, and have advocates to plead his cause
for nothing, as [5810] Plutarch adds. Wilt thou then be reverenced, and
had in estimation?
[5811]———dominus tamen et domini rex
Si tu vis fieri, nullus tibi parvulus aula.
Luserit Aeneas, nec filia dulcior illa?
Jucundum et charum sterilis facit uxor amicum.
Live a single man, marry not, and thou shalt soon perceive how those
Haeredipetae (for so they were called of old) will seek after thee,
bribe and flatter thee for thy favour, to be thine heir or executor:
Aruntius and Aterius, those famous parasites in this kind, as Tacitus
and [5812]Seneca have recorded, shall not go beyond them.
Periplectomines, that good personate old man, delicium senis, well
understood this in Plautus: for when Pleusides exhorted him to marry
that he might have children of his own, he readily replied in this
sort,
Quando habeo multos cognatos, quid opus mihi sit liberis?
Nunc bene vivo et fortunate, atque animo ut lubet.
Mea bona mea morte cognatis dicam interpartiant.
Illi apud me edunt, me curant, visunt quid agam, ecquid velim,
Qui mihi mittunt munera, ad prandium, ad coenam vocant.
Whilst I have kin, what need I brats to have?
Now I live well, and as I will, most brave.
And when I die, my goods I'll give away
To them that do invite me every day.
That visit me, and send me pretty toys,
And strive who shall do me most courtesies.
This respect thou shalt have in like manner, living as he did, a single
man. But if thou marry once, [5813]cogitato in omni vita te servum
fore, bethink thyself what a slavery it is, what a heavy burden thou
shalt undertake, how hard a task thou art tied to, (for as Hierome hath
it, qui uxorem habet, debitor est, et uxoris servus alligatus,) and how
continuate, what squalor attends it, what irksomeness, what charges,
for wife and children are a perpetual bill of charges; besides a myriad
of cares, miseries, and troubles; for as that comical Plautus merrily
and truly said, he that wants trouble, must get to be master of a ship,
or marry a wife; and as another seconds him, wife and children have
undone me; so many and such infinite encumbrances accompany this kind
of life. Furthermore, uxor intumuit, &c., or as he said in the comedy,
[5814]Duxi uxorem, quam ibi miseriam vidi, nati filii, alia cura. All
gifts and invitations cease, no friend will esteem thee, and thou shalt
be compelled to lament thy misery, and make thy moan with
[5815]Bartholomeus Scheraeus, that famous poet laureate, and professor
of Hebrew in Wittenberg: I had finished this work long since, but that
inter alia dura et tristia quae misero mihi pene tergum fregerunt, (I
use his own words) amongst many miseries which almost broke my back,
_συζυγία ob Xantipismum_, a shrew to my wife tormented my mind above
measure, and beyond the rest. So shalt thou be compelled to complain,
and to cry out at last, with [5816]Phoroneus the lawyer, How happy had
I been, if I had wanted a wife! If this which I have said will not
suffice, see more in Lemnius lib. 4. cap. 13. de occult. nat. mir.
Espencaeus de continentia, lib. 6. cap. 8. Kornman de virginitate,
Platina in Amor. dial. Practica artis amandi, Barbarus de re uxoria,
Arnisaeus in polit. cap. 3. and him that is instar omnium, Nevisanus
the lawyer, Sylva nuptial, almost in every page.
SUBSECT. IV.—_Philters, Magical and Poetical Cures_.