SCENE--_The Interior of Court during a sensational trial.
Bench, Bar, and Jury in a state of wild excitement as to what
will happen next._
_Judge_ (_mysteriously handing note to Bar engaged in the case_). I
have received this letter, which is deeply interesting. It will form
appropriately what I may call our Third Volume. I hand it to Counsel,
but they must keep it entirely to themselves.
_First Leader_ (_after perusal of document_). Did you ever?
_Second Leader_ (_ditto_). No I never!
_Judge_ (_greatly gratified_). I thought I would surprise you! Yes,
it came this afternoon, and I found it too startling to keep all to
myself, so I have revealed the secret, on the condition you tell no
one else.
_First Lead._ You may rely on the discretion of my learned friend, my
Lord.
_Second Lead._ My Lord, on the discretion of my learned friend you may
rely.
_Judge_. Thank you (_dipping his pen in the ink_), and now we will go
on with the case.
[_A Witness is called--he hides his face under a cloak._
_First Leader_ (_in examination-in-chief_). I think you wish to
preserve your incognito?
_Wit._ (_in sepulchral tones_). I do. But if his Lordship desires it,
I will write my name on a piece of paper and pass it up.
_Judge_. Well, certainly, I think I ought to know everything, and--
(_Receives piece of paper disclosing the information, and starts back
in his chair astonished_). Dear me! Good gracious! Dear me!
_First Lead._ I think I should mention that I have not the
faintest idea who this witness is, and only call him, acting under
instructions. (_To Witness._) Do you know anything about the matter in
dispute?
_Witness_ (_with a sepulchral laugh_). Ha! ha! ha! Nothing. Your
question is indeed a good joke. Nothing, I repeat, absolutely nothing!
_First Lead._ (_annoyed_). Then you can sit down.
_Second Lead._ (_sharply_). Pardon me--not quite so fast! You say you
know nothing about the matter in dispute, and yet you come here!
_Witness_ (_in a deeper voice than ever_). Exactly.
_Second Lead._ But why, my dear Sir--Why? What is the point of it? Who
may you be?
_Witness_. It is not _may_ be--but who I am!
_Second Lead._ Well, tell us who you are. (_Persuasively._) Come, who
are you?
_Witness_ (_throwing off his disguise_). Who am I? Why, HAWKSHAW the
Detective!
_Counsel Generally_ (_to Judge_). Then, my Lord, under the altered
circumstances of the case, we can appear no longer before you. (_With
deep and touching emotion._) We retire from the case!
_Judge_ (_not very appropriately_). Then if _Box and Cox_ are
satisfied, all I can say is that I am. I may add that I consider that
the case has been conducted nobly, and that I knew how it would end
from the very first. I am thoroughly satisfied.
_Jury_. And so are we, my Lord--never so interested in our lives!
_Newspaper Editor_ (_departing_). Ah, if we only had a trial like
this every day, we should require but one line on the Contents Bill!
(_Curtain._)
* * * * *
THE SAFEST NEW YEAR RESOLVE.--To make none.
* * * * *
NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.