_Our Extravagant uses strange wayes to raise moneys; which being got in,
he takes a journey into the Countrey, marries, and returns; meets with
one of his Companions, who laid a wager about their Footmens drinking:
he being indebted to our Extravagant, and not in a capacity to pay him
till his Fathers death; he projects a way to kill the Father; and not
come within the compass of the Law; he undertakes and performs it.
This Extravagant’s answer to his Mother; and his getting a suit of
Clothes of a strange Taylor. He cheats at the water-side, and cheats
Gentlemen of several Cloakes, which he sells to a Broker, who upon
some discontent claps him in a prison, where he again expresses his
Poetry._
Our Gallant thus exercised his wit, and spent his time; and as this Old
man, the Father, had in his latter years employed his whole wit and
industry in gaining of moneys, and enlarging his Estate; so the Young
man, the Son, employed all his in spending, and lessening it. The
Fathers ways of getting money was by usury; and the Son, on the
contrary, was so great an hater of that vice, and sin of usury, as he
termed it, that he would not receive any; and being desirous to raise a
great sum of money together, he sent to his Debtors, and told them that
if they would by a certain time, then to come, bring him in his
principal money, he would forgive them all interest. There were few of
them that stood out; for the Father having been wary in disposing his
money on good security, the Son had the less trouble to gather it in;
and few of the Debtors failed to bring in our Prodigals Money, and take
up their bonds. Some there were whose debts were considerable and large,
and they could not provide their Moneys by the time, but lost that
advantage: but again some of them gained more considerably then the rest
had done; for he by this means believing that all those debts that were
not paid him were desperate and bad, he fell to selling and assigning
them; which the Debtors hearing of, although they could not raise the
ready money themselves, yet the Security being good, they procured
Friends to lay down the Moneys, and compounded the Debts for some two
thirds, some three quarters, some more, some less, he being willing to
take, and unwilling to refuse all Moneys that he could thus bring in.
And by this means being master of a considerable sum of Money, and being
of his _London_ frollicks, he resolved for the Countrey; and providing
himself with choice of Geldings, and variety of Rich Clothes for
himself, and new Liveries for his two Servants, he took his journey. I
cannot give you any particular account of his transactions in the
Countrey, because it was at too great a distance; but in general, I
heard he plaid over his old freaks, the second part to the same tune:
but this I know, that passing for a man of a great Estate, and being
plentifully furnished with Moneys, he was admitted into the Family of a
Person of Quality; where, however he carryed himself abroad, yet at home
he was so civil, as that courting the Daughter, he obtained her and her
Friends consent to a Marriage. They questioned not his Estate, (which
they knew had been considerable) because he demanded no portion: and
thus was our wild Gallant become a staid man, if Marriage would make him
so; but although it might operate somewhat at first, yet that good humor
held him not long for he was soon weary of any thing that was good; and,
as I heard his wife being so, he was the sooner weary of her: and
therefore, and because the Money he had brought with him was spent and
gone, he was then again for _London_. I suppose he engaged himself to
return speedily; but he who never kept any ingagement, was sure to break
that: And now being come to _London_, he visited all his old Friends;
but there was not one word of the pudding; he would not own the
alteration of his condition, but had a mind still to pass for a
Batchelor; for under that notion he might practise his debaucheries the
more freely; for he did intend to cheat any maid, that would be so
easie, of the most precious Jewel they had; whether he did, or how many
fell into his snare, I know not; but he boasted of many such conquests.
He being now come to _London_, and his errand Money, Money he would
have; and therefore he summoned all the remaining Debtors to make sudden
payment.
Although he had already received several considerable sums, and that
more than he had present occasion to make use of; yet not one good turn,
or courtesie would he do any man, though never so near and dear to him:
he had rather spend 40_s._ to make a man drunk, than lend him 20_s._
* * * * *
But there was one, a certain Companion of his, who was almost as
debauched as himself, and would have been altogether so, had he had the
means to have done it. This Person having a Father alive, whom he would
willingly have exchanged for a dead one; and whom he was very desirous
to have kneel in Brass, or lean in Marble: This Father was a great
trouble to our young man’s proceedings and our Gallant having consider’d
his case, as it had been formerly his own, being desirous to propagate,
and assist in the work of deformation, had at several times furnished
him with the sum of fifty pounds; and now he being resolved to have at
all, get in all he could, gave this Friend a summons, who failed not to
meet him at the time, and place appointed with money for a drinking
bout, though not to pay Money. They set to it lustily, and drank off
their Sack very stoutly; and whilst our two young Gentlemen were thus
employed, their Servants were not idle. Our Gallant was now attended but
by one of his two Foot-men; and the other, who had also a Foot-man, or
Attendant, who was acquainted with the other; and they having been for
some time separated by reason of our Gallants Journey, and now having
met again, were so joyful to see themselves alive, that they drank of
their Sack as fast as their Masters: They had leave to do so, and might
call for what they pleased. Our Gallant having occasion to go into the
next Room, there found his Man, and the other engaged in hot service;
but observed, that his Man being the stouter drinker of the two, had the
better on it, and was the likeliest so to hold it; wherefore a conceit
came into his head, and then out it must; thereupon, he called his
Companion to him, and shewed him their Servants; he was as well pleased
as the other, and encouraged his man to hold out; our Gallant hearing
him say so, cryed, _Bear up_, Jack, _for I’le hold a piece of your
head_; done, said the other.
But although here was a great wager to be lay’d, yet there was no sound
bargain, nor Witness; and they hardly understood what they intended,
till the Master of the house was called up; and then he seeing there was
like to be somewhat to his advantage, made this fair proposition (as he
called it) that the two fellows should drink on, and he who first gave
out, and was foyled, his Master should pay the Reckoning: Content, said
one; content, said another; and withal, lose a piece, to be spent to
morrow: They both agreed to this motion; and drawing out their Moneys,
the Land-Lord kept stakes, and the Fellows still held on their drinking,
neither were the Masters idle; and they all plyed their gears so well,
that they could not remove their Quarters, but were all four inforced to
stay there all night; only our Gallant had the honour of the day, for
his man had quite knock’d down the other, and had laid him fast asleep;
and he being on the ground stradled over him, like St. _George_ over the
Dragon, and drank off three Beer glasses of Sack in token of triumph;
and then they were all carried to their Beds. The next morning they
found themselves more sensible then they had been the night before; but
being in a Tavern, and remembring that there was 20_s._ in bank, there
was no remedy, but that they must of necessity take a hair of the old
dog; and therefore to it they went again, but with more sobriety then
the day before; for our Gallant, who commanded in chief, had no mind to
drinking, it being against his Custom to drink in a morning; and besides
that, he intended to propose the matter of money to his Companion, so
that they drank but moderately; and our Gallant broke the ice by telling
his Companion, that upon a certain accident that had lately fallen out,
he had occasion to raise a sum of money, and therefore he desired the
other to help him to that which he had formerly lent him. The other
briskly replyed with an Oath, that he asked him impossibilities; that
there was not such a sum as 50_l._ in Nature, nor could he expect to see
so much together, till the happy day of his Fathers death; and then said
he, if that long looked for day would but come, I will not only pay that
sum, but all else I have shall be at your dispose.
Our Prodigal knew well enough that he should hardly get his Money till
the old fellow was dead, but however he thought to urge it to see if he
could perswade him to cheat his Father of such a sum, but the other
replying he could not and that it was impossible to out-wit him, well
reply’d our Gallant since that Jest will not take let us think of
somewhat else, is the old fellow good conditioned? does he give you
money enough to spend? truly replyed the other, he is very kind to me,
for he allows me pretty largely, knowing that besides Wine and good
company; there are such transitory things as women to be had; for
keeping a good Girl himself, who is an old Knave, he knows the necessity
of those mortals for us that are young. How, replyed our blade, does he
keep a Wench? then I have a sure expedient to make him tip off the perch
in a short time. You may be deceived replyed the other, for as he is
old, so he is tough and hath been a long time accustomed to _Venus_
Wars. Well that matters not, reply’d our Gallant but if you will double
my money, (for I must be at some charge) I will undertake and warrant to
send your Father into the other world in a very short time. No reply’d
the other I will have no hand in Murther especially there being
Parricide in the case. I tell thee, reply’d our undertaker, there shall
be no hazard of the Law, no not so much guilt lye upon you nor me,
whether as Physitians (who are authorized to kill) are guilty of to
their Patients, and shall be both safe and sure. Well how is it then
reply’d our Companion. You say, said our Gallant, your Father is very
old, and loves a Wench. Why then said our undertaker, all my business is
but to know this Wench and be acquainted with her, and then the business
is done, and that without fail. Thus much he told his Companion, but
would not (though he importuned him) tell him any thing more. And
thereupon he seeing that he could not at present get any thing more out
of him, and withal assuring him that there was no danger in Law; the one
concludes to act, and the other to assist in the enterprize. Accordingly
that very afternoon our Extravagant was conducted by his Companion to
the place where his Fathers Lady of pleasure resided. This young Woman
whom he was so desirous to be acquainted withal lived with one that was
more antient, and whom she called Aunt, and they two together with a
Maid-servant that attended them both made up this little Family, in
regard she lived thus privately, he found it would be more difficult
then ordinary to get access, but the next day an opportunity fell out
very convenient. For the old man (according to his custom) having sent
in Provision for Dinner, came at noon to Dine with his Mistress, and
about three of the Clock he and his Mistress and the Old Woman resolved
on a walk. Our undertaker was so diligent that he attended them at some
distance, and they going into a Publique house, he also went thither and
took a Room next to their’s. The Old Man treated his Mistress with Cakes
and Ale, and such other Provision as the place afforded, and after they
had sufficiently regalled themselves, the old man he must go about an
affair of importance, and therefore he must leave them. Our Undertaker
was glad to hear of that, and expected the happy minute of his
departure, but he found that they all left the house together, wherefore
he put himself in the way that they were to come, and walking softly
permitted the two Women to overtake him. He being a sufficient Courtier
wanted not pretence sufficient to enter himself into their company, and
the Women were not so reserved as to distaste or dislike the proffered
service of his meen and quality.
The walk they were to take er’e they came to their quarters was
considerable and thereby he had the opportunity to discourse with the
young beauty, which was not only handsom but of a pleasant conversation.
He knowing how far their journey reached offered them a Glass of Wine.
The young woman wholly declined the proposition, wherefore he applyed
himself to the Old one; and her he over-ruled, so that they put in at
the next Tavern. He promised them only one quart of Wine, but they drank
three or four e’re they parted, he did so Court the old Woman that she
took off her liquor freely, and made her so open hearted that she
discovered many of her copious secrets with the Old Man, who also
simpered at the writal of them, our Gallants chief business being to win
the young woman, thought that the nearest way to do it, was to gain the
Old, and therefore he not only plyed her with Wine but gave her some
halfe-crown pieces, at the sight of this she called him Son and told him
he should be welcome.
He pulling out his money discovered some fair Medals which he shewing to
the young woman, and she seeming to like, he forced her to accept of
them, thus he having laid the bait, did not question but the Fish would
in time be taken, he only waited on them to their Lodgings that night,
but promising to revisit them the next day, neither was he worse then
his word, but before hand he sent several bottles of Wine.
And at this second converse he made so large a progress in his business,
that he discovered that she was not displeased with his Company; He
finding her thus easie, proceeded as far as he could with her to the
main point, but she checked him there, being resolved not to be won so
easily; but he resolving not to make Childrens Shoes, followed so close
that he brought her to his bent, and received the satisfaction he
desired, She not distrusting the mischief that was intended her, gave
him all freedom with her, and he was seldom out of her Company but when
the Old Man had appointed to be with her, our undertaker still resolving
on his project ventured on one of the desperatest discourses that has
been heard of.
* * * * *
It is not to be questioned but that he who had been so Universal a
Courtier of Women, and that of all sorts, had met with those one time or
another that had paid him off, and he was used to brag himself to be
more then a Gentlemen, for he had been oftner then three times at
_Haddam_, he was so well acquainted with all the effects of that
disease, and the Remedies against it that he made nothing of it, and he
knew several of his _quondam_ Ladies who were then well peppered, to one
of these he went, and it was not very difficult for him to purchase that
of them which they would very gladly be rid off: and therefore he easily
attained his desires, and being thus accompanied, he went to his fresh
Mistress, and made her participate in that disease which she had till
then been a stranger to, and the Old Man coming soon after in his turn
and thinking to have his pleasure with her, had it for the present, but
was so paid off that entring into a course of Physick to cure himself of
his disease, he was brought so weak that he fell into another though
less troublesom yet more dangerous, which was not long in operating its
desired effects, for it carried him to his Grave. And thus did our
undertaker perform his undertaking, and his Companion was so much a
Gentleman as to perform his promise to give the sum of Mony for his
reward that had been agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only made
use of this young Woman as an Instrument to bring his purpose to effect,
caused the young man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly
endured and done.
His Companion was now the better man as having the more Money; but our
Gallants stock held out to spend with him, and neither of them made any
spare. Our Gallants Mother hearing of his lewd courses, took some of her
old Husbands acquaintance and found him out, she and they perswaded him
to take up before all were spent, using many arguments to induce him to
good Husbandry, and propounding some course for him to take to redeem
himself; but he was deaf to all perswasions, and only flouted and
laughed at them; telling them that he was resolved to make his dead
Father a Lyar, for I remember (said he) that some Friends telling him in
his life time I would spend his Estate after his death, he answered that
so I might if I would, but he was certain that I would never take so
much pleasure in spending it, as he had in getting it. And therefore
said he I am resolved to enjoy my full swing in all manner of pleasures,
that I may disprove him, and besides (continued he) do you think I am
mad to preserve or keep any part of that Estate that was so unlawfully
gained by penury and Usury; no such matter, for I am sure it would be to
no purpose to attempt it, for I know I shall never thrive while I enjoy
any part of it. His Mother and Friends hearing his resolution, by this
his Extravagant answer, left him; and he prosecuted his old course of
Life so long, that he began really to want Money, and had still spent
his Money before he could receive it, some Debts he had still owing him,
which supplied him sometimes by fits and girds. He had dealt with a
Taylor who had taken much money of him, and gained well by him, but he
still paid him one under another, and was still in his debt for the
last, this Taylor seeing his Extravagancy, and doubting that in the
winding up of the bottom he might loose as much as he had gained, waited
on him very diligently for his Money, & pretended such urgent occasions
for Mony that he in the end got clear with him.
Our Gallant then desired some more new cloathes, but he gave him only
good words and put him off from time to time, till one day our Gentleman
meeting this Taylor in Company, asked him why he was not so good as his
word to make him a new suit, for said he you know I have been no ill
Customer, I owe you nothing: it is confessed (replyed the Taylor) you do
owe nothing, but Sir there is a reason and that a very considerable one;
why I do not care to deal with you, nor no others of your temper, what
reason reply’d our Gallant, this (reply’d the Taylor) you do pay me, but
you do call for my Bill, and pay me so suddenly after I have delivered
the Cloaths that I have not conveniency to gain so much by you as I do
by other Gentlemen, who staying a great while after their Cloathes are
made, and indeed till they are worn out e’re they ask for a Bill, or
talk of payment, I have the conveniency to enlarge what and how I please
because it is forgot what was used, and they being worn out they have
not the conveniency of comparing the Bill and cloaths together, this
continued the Taylor is a sufficient reason why I do not care for
dealing with you further, thus did this Taylor make his excuses which
reflecting rather on his own ill dealing then our Gallants, it passed
very well with the Company, and our Gallant understanding that his
credit was justified could not be angry, but however he knew the Taylor
meant quite contrary to what he had said, and he finding his credit
would go no further there, and some of his Companions hearing this
discourse with him and his Taylor, thought that the Taylor had been mad,
and engaged our Gentleman to make use of his, and his Taylor upon the
report of this, soon provided him with such Cloathes as he desired, but
he did not find the discourse made good for he was forced to wait a long
time for his Mony, and now he had spun a fair thread his mony was almost
all gone, and being Monyless he was inforced to look out some
melancholly place to spin away the time in, upon this account he was a
great frequenter of the Temple-walks, which were pleasant, melancholly,
and withal safe, for there he was out of danger of being arrested, which
he began now to dread, and this walk turned him to a more profitable
account as I shall presently relate to you; one day he being very
melancholly in his ordinary walk at the Temple, sees one who had
Lodgings in that house who was of his acquaintance, they salute each
other, and so walk about for some time, at length, the Gentleman tells
our Extravagant, that he must beg his pardon, for he could no longer
walk with him, being ingaged to cross the water about an affair of
Consequence; it then happened to rain, and therefore our Extravagant
told him sure Sir you will not go before the Shower is over; that
matters not much, replyed the Gentleman, for I will send for my Cloak,
and thereupon called for a Porter and directed him to his Chamber, to
command his servant to send his Cloak, the Porter went and fetched it
accordingly, and so the Gentleman putting it on, departed.
Our Extravagant observing this accordingly, and now being in _Querpo_
without a Cloak, thought he had a fair expedient to get one, and if he
were discovered it would pass for a Frolick, whereupon he calls a Porter
and sends him to a chamber, whose Master was of his acquaintance, and
whom he saw was newly gone out, and ordring the Porter to fetch his
Cloak from thence, named himself the Master of the Chamber; the Porter
went, and the Servant who attended in the Chamber knowing that his
Master was but newly gone out, and believing he might have occasion for
his Cloak, delivered it to the Porter who carried it to our Extravagant,
who now having a Cloak marched off, being provided for against a shower
of Rain that then happened, but withal he knowing it would be dangerous
to wear that Cloak which was remarkably known among his aquaintance,
having Gold Buttons, he marched to _Long-Lane_, and exchanged it for a
Coat of a different colour, and had Money to boot, and now having
succeeded so well in this first attempt and being resolved to try
further, he thought fit to acquaint this Broker that he had several
Cloaks that he would exchange or sell to him. The Broker replyed he
should be very welcom, and he would deal very honestly with him, and so
he left him, and the next day he plyed his business, so that in the
manner aforementioned, taking his due observations, gained three Cloaks
more, and before the week was at an end he had ten or twelve, being
Master of so many Cloaks he dealt with his Broker, and exchanged for a
very handsom suit and Cloak, and a pretty sum of money in his Pocket,
and now he was set up again.
He again marches to the Gaming House, and there in short time looses all
his ill purchased Wealth, and now the loss of so many Cloaks together,
having been so much talked of by the Owners, he thought it would be to
no purpose to attempt that trick any further, but knowing he had a
Merchant his Broker, who would deal with him for any thing of Cloaths,
he went to the Play-house, and there he nim’d off the Gold Buttons from
Cloaks, and the Gold and Silver Lace from Gentlewomens Petycoats, nay
sometimes he would cut off great part of the Petticoats, and this trade
he did drive a long time, and as fast as he was Master of any such
purchase he sold it to the Broker who received all that came, and
although he knew our Extravagant could not come honestly by these
purchases, yet he still encouraged him to bring him more.
And was so kind to him that being arrested by his Landlord for five
pound for Lodging and Diet, he furnished him with the some, and set him
at liberty, he promising to repay him in a short time, by such things as
he should bring in. But he being at liberty and following his old Trade,
and finding that although he brought much grist to the Mill, still
carried some of his Commodities to the Broker, yet he had but little
money of him, for in the first place he gave him less price, and then
withal stop’d most part of the money for the old Debt, he considering of
this was resolved to leave the Broker and make the best of his markets
elsewhere, and so he did; but the Broker soon discovered him, and in
revenge caused him to be arrested and clapt up into the Counter, from
whence he had lately redeemed him.
Our Extravagant bearing close enough sent to his Mother, but she was as
deaf to him as he had been to her, and was resolved to let him bite on
the bridle, wherefore he being weary of that Prison, and understanding
that _Ludgate_ was far better, resolved to remove himself thither, but
first he again tryed what his Mother would do, but she although the Debt
was but four pounds would not pay it, but if he could get off for forty
shillings, she gave him some hopes that she would disburse it, but the
Broker was inexorable, would have all or none which he understanding, in
a humour writ these Lines.
_Oh how with misery I my Mothers Darling
To be thus chackled but for four pound_ Starling,
_By a base Broker who I know’s a thief,
And merits_ Newgate _and wants relief,
And now I’m forc’d to go Guds Dud
To the dwelling of that old King_ Lud.
_If e’re I pay him I am soundly cheated,
If I ne’re pay him then he is defeated,
But if he will take half the debt for whole,
My Mother then i’m sure will pay the Cole._