UNCOMMON IN MATRIMONIAL CASES
Mr. Bumble sat in the workhouse parlour, with his eyes moodily fixed
on the cheerless grate, whence, as it was summer time, no brighter
gleam proceeded, than the reflection of certain sickly rays of the
sun, which were sent back from its cold and shining surface. A paper
fly-cage dangled from the ceiling, to which he occasionally raised
his eyes in gloomy thought; and, as the heedless insects hovered
round the gaudy net-work, Mr. Bumble would heave a deep sigh, while
a more gloomy shadow overspread his countenance. Mr. Bumble was
meditating; it might be that the insects brought to mind, some
painful passage in his own past life.
Nor was Mr. Bumble’s gloom the only thing calculated to awaken a
pleasing melancholy in the bosom of a spectator. There were not
wanting other appearances, and those closely connected with his own
person, which announced that a great change had taken place in the
position of his affairs. The laced coat, and the cocked hat; where
were they? He still wore knee-breeches, and dark cotton stockings
on his nether limbs; but they were not _the_ breeches. The coat
was wide-skirted; and in that respect like _the_ coat, but, oh how
different! The mighty cocked hat was replaced by a modest round one.
Mr. Bumble was no longer a beadle.
There are some promotions in life, which, independent of the more
substantial rewards they offer, require peculiar value and dignity
from the coats and waistcoats connected with them. A field-marshal
has his uniform; a bishop his silk apron; a counsellor his silk
gown; a beadle his cocked hat. Strip the bishop of his apron, or the
beadle of his hat and lace; what are they? Men. Mere men. Dignity,
and even holiness too, sometimes, are more questions of coat and
waistcoat than some people imagine.
Mr. Bumble had married Mrs. Corney, and was master of the workhouse.
Another beadle had come into power. On him the cocked hat,
gold-laced coat, and staff, had all three descended.
‘And to-morrow two months it was done!’ said Mr. Bumble, with a
sigh. ‘It seems a age.’
Mr. Bumble might have meant that he had concentrated a whole
existence of happiness into the short space of eight weeks; but the
sigh--there was a vast deal of meaning in the sigh.
‘I sold myself,’ said Mr. Bumble, pursuing the same train of
relection, ‘for six teaspoons, a pair of sugar-tongs, and a
milk-pot; with a small quantity of second-hand furniture, and twenty
pound in money. I went very reasonable. Cheap, dirt cheap!’
‘Cheap!’ cried a shrill voice in Mr. Bumble’s ear: ‘you would have
been dear at any price; and dear enough I paid for you, Lord above
knows that!’
Mr. Bumble turned, and encountered the face of his interesting
consort, who, imperfectly comprehending the few words she had
overheard of his complaint, had hazarded the foregoing remark at a
venture.
‘Mrs. Bumble, ma’am!’ said Mr. Bumble, with a sentimental sternness.
‘Well!’ cried the lady.
‘Have the goodness to look at me,’ said Mr. Bumble, fixing his eyes
upon her. (If she stands such a eye as that,’ said Mr. Bumble to
himself, ‘she can stand anything. It is a eye I never knew to fail
with paupers. If it fails with her, my power is gone.’)
Whether an exceedingly small expansion of eye be sufficient to quell
paupers, who, being lightly fed, are in no very high condition; or
whether the late Mrs. Corney was particularly proof against eagle
glances; are matters of opinion. The matter of fact, is, that the
matron was in no way overpowered by Mr. Bumble’s scowl, but, on the
contrary, treated it with great disdain, and even raised a laugh
thereat, which sounded as though it were genuine.
On hearing this most unexpected sound, Mr. Bumble looked, first
incredulous, and afterwards amazed. He then relapsed into his
former state; nor did he rouse himself until his attention was again
awakened by the voice of his partner.
‘Are you going to sit snoring there, all day?’ inquired Mrs. Bumble.
‘I am going to sit here, as long as I think proper, ma’am,’ rejoined
Mr. Bumble; ‘and although I was _not_ snoring, I shall snore, gape,
sneeze, laugh, or cry, as the humour strikes me; such being my
prerogative.’
‘_Your_ prerogative!’ sneered Mrs. Bumble, with ineffable contempt.
‘I said the word, ma’am,’ said Mr. Bumble. ‘The prerogative of a man
is to command.’
‘And what’s the prerogative of a woman, in the name of Goodness?’
cried the relict of Mr. Corney deceased.
‘To obey, ma’am,’ thundered Mr. Bumble. ‘Your late unfortunate
husband should have taught it you; and then, perhaps, he might have
been alive now. I wish he was, poor man!’
Mrs. Bumble, seeing at a glance, that the decisive moment had now
arrived, and that a blow struck for the mastership on one side or
other, must necessarily be final and conclusive, no sooner heard
this allusion to the dead and gone, than she dropped into a chair,
and with a loud scream that Mr. Bumble was a hard-hearted brute,
fell into a paroxysm of tears.
But, tears were not the things to find their way to Mr. Bumble’s
soul; his heart was waterproof. Like washable beaver hats that
improve with rain, his nerves were rendered stouter and more
vigorous, by showers of tears, which, being tokens of weakness, and
so far tacit admissions of his own power, pleased and exalted him.
He eyed his good lady with looks of great satisfaction, and begged,
in an encouraging manner, that she should cry her hardest: the
exercise being looked upon, by the faculty, as strongly conducive to
health.
‘It opens the lungs, washes the countenance, exercises the eyes, and
softens down the temper,’ said Mr. Bumble. ‘So cry away.’
As he discharged himself of this pleasantry, Mr. Bumble took his hat
from a peg, and putting it on, rather rakishly, on one side, as a
man might, who felt he had asserted his superiority in a becoming
manner, thrust his hands into his pockets, and sauntered towards
the door, with much ease and waggishness depicted in his whole
appearance.
Now, Mrs. Corney that was, had tried the tears, because they were
less troublesome than a manual assault; but, she was quite prepared
to make trial of the latter mode of proceeding, as Mr. Bumble was
not long in discovering.
The first proof he experienced of the fact, was conveyed in a hollow
sound, immediately succeeded by the sudden flying off of his hat
to the opposite end of the room. This preliminary proceeding laying
bare his head, the expert lady, clasping him tightly round the
throat with one hand, inflicted a shower of blows (dealt with
singular vigour and dexterity) upon it with the other. This done,
she created a little variety by scratching his face, and tearing his
hair; and, having, by this time, inflicted as much punishment as she
deemed necessary for the offence, she pushed him over a chair, which
was luckily well situated for the purpose: and defied him to talk
about his prerogative again, if he dared.
‘Get up!’ said Mrs. Bumble, in a voice of command. ‘And take
yourself away from here, unless you want me to do something
desperate.’
Mr. Bumble rose with a very rueful countenance: wondering much what
something desperate might be. Picking up his hat, he looked towards
the door.
‘Are you going?’ demanded Mrs. Bumble.
‘Certainly, my dear, certainly,’ rejoined Mr. Bumble, making a
quicker motion towards the door. ‘I didn’t intend to--I’m going, my
dear! You are so very violent, that really I--’
At this instant, Mrs. Bumble stepped hastily forward to replace
the carpet, which had been kicked up in the scuffle. Mr. Bumble
immediately darted out of the room, without bestowing another
thought on his unfinished sentence: leaving the late Mrs. Corney in
full possession of the field.
Mr. Bumble was fairly taken by surprise, and fairly beaten. He had a
decided propensity for bullying: derived no inconsiderable pleasure
from the exercise of petty cruelty; and, consequently, was (it is
needless to say) a coward. This is by no means a disparagement to
his character; for many official personages, who are held in high
respect and admiration, are the victims of similar infirmities. The
remark is made, indeed, rather in his favour than otherwise, and
with a view of impressing the reader with a just sense of his
qualifications for office.
But, the measure of his degradation was not yet full. After making
a tour of the house, and thinking, for the first time, that the
poor-laws really were too hard on people; and that men who ran away
from their wives, leaving them chargeable to the parish, ought, in
justice to be visited with no punishment at all, but rather rewarded
as meritorious individuals who had suffered much; Mr. Bumble came
to a room where some of the female paupers were usually employed in
washing the parish linen: when the sound of voices in conversation,
now proceeded.
‘Hem!’ said Mr. Bumble, summoning up all his native dignity. ‘These
women at least shall continue to respect the prerogative. Hallo!
hallo there! What do you mean by this noise, you hussies?’
With these words, Mr. Bumble opened the door, and walked in with a
very fierce and angry manner: which was at once exchanged for a most
humiliated and cowering air, as his eyes unexpectedly rested on the
form of his lady wife.
‘My dear,’ said Mr. Bumble, ‘I didn’t know you were here.’
‘Didn’t know I was here!’ repeated Mrs. Bumble. ‘What do _you_ do
here?’
‘I thought they were talking rather too much to be doing their work
properly, my dear,’ replied Mr. Bumble: glancing distractedly at
a couple of old women at the wash-tub, who were comparing notes of
admiration at the workhouse-master’s humility.
‘_You_ thought they were talking too much?’ said Mrs. Bumble. ‘What
business is it of yours?’
‘Why, my dear--’ urged Mr. Bumble submissively.
‘What business is it of yours?’ demanded Mrs. Bumble, again.
‘It’s very true, you’re matron here, my dear,’ submitted Mr. Bumble;
‘but I thought you mightn’t be in the way just then.’
‘I’ll tell you what, Mr. Bumble,’ returned his lady. ‘We don’t want
any of your interference. You’re a great deal too fond of poking
your nose into things that don’t concern you, making everybody in
the house laugh, the moment your back is turned, and making yourself
look like a fool every hour in the day. Be off; come!’
Mr. Bumble, seeing with excruciating feelings, the delight of the
two old paupers, who were tittering together most rapturously,
hesitated for an instant. Mrs. Bumble, whose patience brooked no
delay, caught up a bowl of soap-suds, and motioning him towards
the door, ordered him instantly to depart, on pain of receiving the
contents upon his portly person.
What could Mr. Bumble do? He looked dejectedly round, and slunk
away; and, as he reached the door, the titterings of the paupers
broke into a shrill chuckle of irrepressible delight. It wanted but
this. He was degraded in their eyes; he had lost caste and station
before the very paupers; he had fallen from all the height and pomp
of beadleship, to the lowest depth of the most snubbed hen-peckery.
‘All in two months!’ said Mr. Bumble, filled with dismal thoughts.
‘Two months! No more than two months ago, I was not only my own
master, but everybody else’s, so far as the porochial workhouse was
concerned, and now!--’
It was too much. Mr. Bumble boxed the ears of the boy who opened
the gate for him (for he had reached the portal in his reverie); and
walked, distractedly, into the street.
He walked up one street, and down another, until exercise had abated
the first passion of his grief; and then the revulsion of feeling
made him thirsty. He passed a great many public-houses; but, at
length paused before one in a by-way, whose parlour, as he gathered
from a hasty peep over the blinds, was deserted, save by one
solitary customer. It began to rain, heavily, at the moment. This
determined him. Mr. Bumble stepped in; and ordering something to
drink, as he passed the bar, entered the apartment into which he had
looked from the street.
The man who was seated there, was tall and dark, and wore a large
cloak. He had the air of a stranger; and seemed, by a certain
haggardness in his look, as well as by the dusty soils on his dress,
to have travelled some distance. He eyed Bumble askance, as he
entered, but scarcely deigned to nod his head in acknowledgment of
his salutation.
Mr. Bumble had quite dignity enough for two; supposing even that the
stranger had been more familiar: so he drank his gin-and-water
in silence, and read the paper with great show of pomp and
circumstance.
It so happened, however: as it will happen very often, when men fall
into company under such circumstances: that Mr. Bumble felt, every
now and then, a powerful inducement, which he could not resist,
to steal a look at the stranger: and that whenever he did so, he
withdrew his eyes, in some confusion, to find that the stranger was
at that moment stealing a look at him. Mr. Bumble’s awkwardness was
enhanced by the very remarkable expression of the stranger’s eye,
which was keen and bright, but shadowed by a scowl of distrust
and suspicion, unlike anything he had ever observed before, and
repulsive to behold.
When they had encountered each other’s glance several times in this
way, the stranger, in a harsh, deep voice, broke silence.
‘Were you looking for me,’ he said, ‘when you peered in at the
window?’
‘Not that I am aware of, unless you’re Mr.--’ Here Mr. Bumble
stopped short; for he was curious to know the stranger’s name, and
thought in his impatience, he might supply the blank.
‘I see you were not,’ said the stranger; an expression of quiet
sarcasm playing about his mouth; ‘or you have known my name. You
don’t know it. I would recommend you not to ask for it.’
‘I meant no harm, young man,’ observed Mr. Bumble, majestically.
‘And have done none,’ said the stranger.
Another silence succeeded this short dialogue: which was again
broken by the stranger.
‘I have seen you before, I think?’ said he. ‘You were differently
dressed at that time, and I only passed you in the street, but I
should know you again. You were beadle here, once; were you not?’
‘I was,’ said Mr. Bumble, in some surprise; ‘porochial beadle.’
‘Just so,’ rejoined the other, nodding his head. ‘It was in that
character I saw you. What are you now?’
‘Master of the workhouse,’ rejoined Mr. Bumble, slowly and
impressively, to check any undue familiarity the stranger might
otherwise assume. ‘Master of the workhouse, young man!’
‘You have the same eye to your own interest, that you always had, I
doubt not?’ resumed the stranger, looking keenly into Mr. Bumble’s
eyes, as he raised them in astonishment at the question.
‘Don’t scruple to answer freely, man. I know you pretty well, you
see.’
‘I suppose, a married man,’ replied Mr. Bumble, shading his eyes
with his hand, and surveying the stranger, from head to foot, in
evident perplexity, ‘is not more averse to turning an honest penny
when he can, than a single one. Porochial officers are not so well
paid that they can afford to refuse any little extra fee, when it
comes to them in a civil and proper manner.’
The stranger smiled, and nodded his head again: as much to say, he
had not mistaken his man; then rang the bell.
‘Fill this glass again,’ he said, handing Mr. Bumble’s empty tumbler
to the landlord. ‘Let it be strong and hot. You like it so, I
suppose?’
‘Not too strong,’ replied Mr. Bumble, with a delicate cough.
‘You understand what that means, landlord!’ said the stranger,
drily.
The host smiled, disappeared, and shortly afterwards returned with a
steaming jorum: of which, the first gulp brought the water into Mr.
Bumble’s eyes.
‘Now listen to me,’ said the stranger, after closing the door and
window. ‘I came down to this place, to-day, to find you out; and,
by one of those chances which the devil throws in the way of his
friends sometimes, you walked into the very room I was sitting in,
while you were uppermost in my mind. I want some information from
you. I don’t ask you to give it for nothing, slight as it is. Put up
that, to begin with.’
As he spoke, he pushed a couple of sovereigns across the table to
his companion, carefully, as though unwilling that the chinking
of money should be heard without. When Mr. Bumble had scrupulously
examined the coins, to see that they were genuine, and had put them
up, with much satisfaction, in his waistcoat-pocket, he went on:
‘Carry your memory back--let me see--twelve years, last winter.’
‘It’s a long time,’ said Mr. Bumble. ‘Very good. I’ve done it.’
‘The scene, the workhouse.’
‘Good!’
‘And the time, night.’
‘Yes.’
‘And the place, the crazy hole, wherever it was, in which miserable
drabs brought forth the life and health so often denied to
themselves--gave birth to puling children for the parish to rear;
and hid their shame, rot ‘em in the grave!’
‘The lying-in room, I suppose?’ said Mr. Bumble, not quite following
the stranger’s excited description.
‘Yes,’ said the stranger. ‘A boy was born there.’
‘A many boys,’ observed Mr. Bumble, shaking his head, despondingly.
‘A murrain on the young devils!’ cried the stranger; ‘I speak of
one; a meek-looking, pale-faced boy, who was apprenticed down here,
to a coffin-maker--I wish he had made his coffin, and screwed
his body in it--and who afterwards ran away to London, as it was
supposed.
‘Why, you mean Oliver! Young Twist!’ said Mr. Bumble; ‘I remember
him, of course. There wasn’t a obstinater young rascal--’
‘It’s not of him I want to hear; I’ve heard enough of him,’ said
the stranger, stopping Mr. Bumble in the outset of a tirade on
the subject of poor Oliver’s vices. ‘It’s of a woman; the hag that
nursed his mother. Where is she?’
‘Where is she?’ said Mr. Bumble, whom the gin-and-water had rendered
facetious. ‘It would be hard to tell. There’s no midwifery there,
whichever place she’s gone to; so I suppose she’s out of employment,
anyway.’
‘What do you mean?’ demanded the stranger, sternly.
‘That she died last winter,’ rejoined Mr. Bumble.
The man looked fixedly at him when he had given this information,
and although he did not withdraw his eyes for some time afterwards,
his gaze gradually became vacant and abstracted, and he seemed lost
in thought. For some time, he appeared doubtful whether he ought to
be relieved or disappointed by the intelligence; but at length he
breathed more freely; and withdrawing his eyes, observed that it was
no great matter. With that he rose, as if to depart.
But Mr. Bumble was cunning enough; and he at once saw that an
opportunity was opened, for the lucrative disposal of some secret in
the possession of his better half. He well remembered the night of
old Sally’s death, which the occurrences of that day had given him
good reason to recollect, as the occasion on which he had proposed
to Mrs. Corney; and although that lady had never confided to him the
disclosure of which she had been the solitary witness, he had heard
enough to know that it related to something that had occurred in the
old woman’s attendance, as workhouse nurse, upon the young mother of
Oliver Twist. Hastily calling this circumstance to mind, he informed
the stranger, with an air of mystery, that one woman had been
closeted with the old harridan shortly before she died; and that she
could, as he had reason to believe, throw some light on the subject
of his inquiry.
‘How can I find her?’ said the stranger, thrown off his guard; and
plainly showing that all his fears (whatever they were) were aroused
afresh by the intelligence.
‘Only through me,’ rejoined Mr. Bumble.
‘When?’ cried the stranger, hastily.
‘To-morrow,’ rejoined Bumble.
‘At nine in the evening,’ said the stranger, producing a scrap
of paper, and writing down upon it, an obscure address by the
water-side, in characters that betrayed his agitation; ‘at nine in
the evening, bring her to me there. I needn’t tell you to be secret.
It’s your interest.’
With these words, he led the way to the door, after stopping to pay
for the liquor that had been drunk. Shortly remarking that their
roads were different, he departed, without more ceremony than an
emphatic repetition of the hour of appointment for the following
night.
On glancing at the address, the parochial functionary observed that
it contained no name. The stranger had not gone far, so he made
after him to ask it.
‘What do you want?’ cried the man, turning quickly round, as Bumble
touched him on the arm. ‘Following me?’
‘Only to ask a question,’ said the other, pointing to the scrap of
paper. ‘What name am I to ask for?’
‘Monks!’ rejoined the man; and strode hastily, away.