clarionet and the booming of the great bass instruments.
No need to ask whether Haffert _kermis_ was crowded! Everybody went to
dance in the Prussian tent. The brewer had to go over twice a day with
fresh supplies; and when Knoups came to complain to him, on the third
day, that he had only tapped eight casks, it was resolved to cart eight
casks away from the “Sun” to the tent over the way.
“Of course,” laughed Manes, “neighbours ought to help each other!”
When, two days later, the three heavily-laden waggons had rumbled off
over the Prussian frontier, and Stammering Joob and Crippled Manes were
marching away to the town, arm in arm, and not very sober, the latter
turned back and shouted:
“Good-bye, Master Knoups! next year we’ll be neighbours again, for a
time!”
“Low riff-raff, that come to steal the bread out of a man’s mouth!” said
Knoups—who had heard it this time—to Geutruu. “Well, _that_ article’s
spoilt for good and all; I shall have to put all my strength into my own
trade!”
The following week, a notice, posted up on the Haffert Raadhuis,
announced to all and sundry that tenders for the new roofing of the
church were to be sent in to the authorities by that day fortnight.
“It’s no good _my_ sending in a paper,” thought Mathis; “the Curé and
the burgomaster are all in the same boat, and the Curé will take good
care I don’t get the contract.”
It may be supposed, therefore, that he looked amazed when Geutruu,
returning from the town one rainy afternoon, stood still, right in front
of him, and said:
“Now I’m going to tell you something! You’ll have to send in your paper
for the church roof!”
“I!—for the roof!” cried Mathis.
“You, for the roof!” repeated Geutruu. “Just listen now. I had just got
outside the gate when it began to rain. I was going to turn my skirt up
over my head, when somebody came running after me, and called out,
‘Vrouw Knoups! Vrouw Knoups!’ I turned round, and who should it be but
M. le Curé’s sister, Joffer Marianneke. ‘Come along under my umbrella,’
says she, ‘and I’ll walk home with you!’ I said, ‘Too much honour,
Joffer Marianneke,’ and ‘Thank you, Joffer Marianneke,’—but it was no
use, I had to come along under her umbrella. And then she told me that
M. le Curé quite expects you to send in your paper for the contract, and
that it grieves him so much that there should be a black sheep in the
congregation; and she is coming next week to drink coffee with us. And
what do you say now?”
Knoups listened, astonished, and at the same time excited.
“H’m!” he said then, “... we must just think over that ... one ought to
know what one is about!”
It was a very busy day for Geutruu, when Mam’selle Marianne, the Curé’s
sister, came to coffee. She had baked special cakes—_vlaai_ and
_krintemik_; and, when her guest had arrived, she went herself to fetch
Mathis out of his workshop. Mathis laid aside his apron, wiped his
forehead with it, and followed his wife indoors.
“_Serviteur_, Joffer Marianneke,” said he, accomplishing with some
difficulty an awkward kind of bow.
“I’ve just looked in to see how you are getting on, Master Knoups,” said
the Curé’s sister, taking a bite at her slice of currant-loaf.
“Very kind, I’m sure, Joffer Marianneke! and I wish you a good
appetite!” replied Knoups.
“To-morrow M. le Curé is going round with the alms-bag, Master Knoups,
for the new roof to the church. Are you going to give something too?”
“H’m, h’m! If M. le Curé does not pass my door, we’ll see what we shall
do, Joffer Marianneke!”
Next day came M. le Curé with the alms-bag.
“Master Knoups, I am going to _all_ our parishioners.” He emphasised the
“all.” “Will you contribute something towards the new roof for the
church?”
Now that Knoups was standing before his enemy, it seemed as though
something boiled up in him,—as though he would have to say something
quite different from what he had thought out beforehand,—and yet there
was such a tightness at his throat that he could not bring out a word.
He kept his eyes fixed on the priest, made one or two great efforts to
swallow the lump in his throat, and at length burst out, clinching his
fist convulsively:
“M. le Curé, why did you revenge yourself on my child for the grudge you
had against me?”
And at the last words he struck his clinched hand against his chest.
“_Chut! chut!_ Master Knoups,” said the Curé, with a deprecating wave of
the hand; “I have duties to fulfil,—and, after all, you had been
warned.”
“If you had said publicly, in the pulpit, Master Knoups is a heretic,—if
you had turned me out of your church, some Sunday, in the middle of high
mass, I could forgive it; but ... my child....”
“Come, come, Knoups, don’t go dragging drowned cows out of the
ditch,—think of the new church roof. You’re a carpenter, and if I meant
ill towards you I would not have come to you with the alms-bag.”
These words soothed Knoups somewhat. He silently offered the Curé a
chair, and sat down opposite him. Then he put his hand under his blue
blouse into his jacket pocket, took out a paper, unfolded it, and laid
it before the priest.
“M. le Curé,” he said, “here is my tender for the contract If the work
is given to me, I will deduct twenty gulden from the sum, as my
contribution to the roof.”
“And then, Knoups, and then?” asked the Curé, in a tone of serious
admonition.
“How do you mean, M. le Curé?”
“Are you going to have the dancing again?”
“M. le Curé,” answered Knoups, “I am quite willing to live in peace and
friendship with every one; but I ought to be allowed to earn a few
stivers when I want them.”
“And do you think, Knoups, that this dancing business is all profit? Do
you know that people of position are shy of your house for that very
reason? Why do the professors from St Aloysius’ College, and all their
students,—and the Christian Brothers, and all their schoolboys—why do
they always pass the ‘Sun’ by? You have a good head for reckoning, I’ve
often heard, Master Knoups. Did you ever figure out what it would come
to in a year if two hundred young fellows were to come every week, or
say every fortnight, to have a glass of beer?”
Knoups’ whole face shone with excitement.
“Why, one could lay out a skittle-ground with that!” he cried.
“Well, are you going to repent of your ways, and come to church again,
Knoups?”
“Would you give me absolution if I did?”
“If you had no more dancing—why, there would be no further reason for
refusing it.”
Knoups sat still, and thought for a little. Then he took his broad
carpenter’s pencil, wrote on the paper, “_less twenty gulden for the
roof_,” and said:
“We’ll see, M. le Curé, we’ll see. And, after all, I’m not the worst.”
The same evening, in the “Sun,” Hommels was talking about the elections.
“Pooh!” cried he, “convictions! I hate the sound of the word. Money is
all they care about, or the honour of sitting in the council and having
their say in everything!... There you have the burgomaster Driemans; he
has been liberal three times, and clerical three times, and every time
he got in!... and the _rentier_, Lankmans, formerly president of a
dramatic society, who ate meat on Fridays, chosen as a defender of the
Faith!... and our deputy, Judge Stechelmans, who formerly, when he was a
school inspector, cursed and swore when he found a crucifix hanging in a
school, he too is a pillar of the Church! And the priests know all that
very well, but what do they care? such men are of use to them, and
that’s enough!... _Sufficit_, you know!”
“So, so,” said Knoups, in a naïvely satirical tone, half shutting his
eyes, “is that what they mean by politics,—a question of money?”
Knoups sent in his tender for the contract for the new church roof.
There was indeed an offer made at a lower figure by a builder in the
town, but the Curé and the burgomaster said that Knoups had the best
timber on hand—even though it had been bought with the proceeds of the
dancing, as Knoups said—and gave the contract to him. Knoups turned his
dancing-floor into a skittle-ground, went to confession on All Saints’
Day, and got his absolution all right.
Since that time Mathis Knoups has become a Catholic again. Hommels does
not frequent the “Sun” now.
“One can’t put one’s foot down there without tumbling over a professor
from the College, or one of the Christian Brothers’ boys,” he said. And
when he makes his appearance, now and then, to tease Mathis, and asks,
“How do you feel now, Mathis, as a New Catholic?” Mathis answers:
“Yes, you may laugh, Mynheer Hommels, but just wait till you come to
die—then you’ll be frightened too.... And one must look after one’s
soul,—isn’t it so, Geutruu?”[25]
EMILE SEIPGENS.
_NEWSPAPER HUMOUR._
OTHERWISE ENGAGED.
_Police-Magistrate_—“What insolence! to break into a house, in a busy
street, in the middle of the day!”
_Thief_—“I was already engaged for the evening.”
* * * * *
WEDDED LOVE.
_Jan_—“Oh, Julie! how pleased I am to see you!”
_Julie_—“Is that true, Jan?”
_Jan_—“Yes, my little wife, my——”
_Julie_—“If we were out at sea, and I were to fall overboard, what would
you do?”
_Jan_—“First, I should see what time it was; then I should inform the
captain that there was some one overboard, and ask whether the vessel
could be stopped. When it was stopped, I would have a boat let down, and
row back to the place where you had fallen into the water. It would be
quite easy to find, because I should have noticed the time at which we
were there, the rate we were going at, and the direction the ship was
taking. If you were still floating, it would be all right; if you had
sunk, we should have to wait till bubbles——”
_Julie_—“Oh! you heartless scoundrel! You murderer! I’ll never go
anywhere with you!”
(And then she went to her mother and told her that Jan was a fellow of
uncommon sense and shrewdness, who could not fail to make his fortune,
&c. &c.)
_Tybaert de Kater._
* * * * *
_Professor_ (at Medical lecture)—“What would you do, if you found the
condition of the patient in this case had become worse?”
_Student_—“I should thank Heaven I was not in his skin.”
[Illustration:
“OTHERWISE ENGAGED.”
]
* * * * *
ON THE STEAM-TRAM.
“Hallo!—Conductor!”
“What is it, sir?”
“Why is the tram stopping here? There is no station—I can only see one
house.”
“Oh, we’re stopping because Farmer Verschueren’s wife wants to come to
town.”
“I wish she’d make haste, then!”
“Yes—but she wants to take a dozen eggs to market, and she has only
eleven. The hen is on the nest, and as soon as she has laid the egg we
are going on.”
_Tybaert._
* * * * *
A lawyer had had his photograph taken. He was wearing his morning coat,
and had his hands in the pockets.
“Is it not a good likeness?” asked the photographer, showing it to one
of his friends.
“Speaking—as far as the face is concerned; but, for the rest, there is
something wrong about it.”
“What is that?”
“A lawyer never puts his hands in _his own_ pockets.”
* * * * *
AT THE CHEMISTRY CLASS.
“What is found in salt-water besides the chloride of iodine we have just
been speaking of?”
_Youngest Pupil_—“Herrings, sir.”
* * * * *
OVERHEARD IN THE STREET.
“Good-morning, William. Why! how changed you are!”
“Don’t be offended—but my name is not William!”
“Well, now!—he has changed even his very name!”
* * * * *
[Illustration]
“Bonifacius,” said Madame Snobs, “the way you are taking to drink is
disgraceful! You didn’t come home till nearly morning, and now you want
to go out again before dinner-time! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
If I was a man like that, I would drop into the ground for shame!”
“You are quite right, wife,” said Snobs; “just give me the key of the
cellar.”
* * * * *
Snobs was for some time Justice of the Peace at Bommerskonten, and is
now Mayor of that village. The first time he celebrated a marriage
there, he asked the bride—
“Do you take Kobe Kullemans, who is standing beside you, for your
husband?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the bride.
“Prisoner at the bar,” continued Snobs, “what have you to say in your
defence?”
* * * * *
_Snobs_—“What clever answers that fellow Snugger can give, to be sure,
when one asks him anything!”
_Madame Snobs_—“Why—I have never noticed that.”
_Snobs_—“Indeed it is so. Yesterday I asked him if he would lend me
twenty francs. He did not say either yes or no, but he asked me if I
thought he was mad.”
* * * * *
PRACTICAL.
“John,” said the lady of the house to the new man-servant, who had
several times startled her by falling into the room like a bombshell,
“when you come in, you must knock first, and wait till you hear some one
say, ‘Come in.’”
When the lady and her husband are seated at dinner, John comes up to the
door, opens it just wide enough to put his head through, draws back,
shuts the door, and knocks.
“Come in!” cries the mistress, in amazement. “Didn’t you understand me?
You were to knock, and then wait till I said, ‘Come in,’—instead of
that, you peep round the door first. What do you mean by it?”
“Why, I had to see if there was any one in the room to tell me to come
in!”
_Uilenspiegel._
* * * * *
JEWISH COURTSHIP.
_Rachel_—“But, Moses lad, you say you are so fond of me—would you really
go through the fire for me?”
_Moses_—“Of course, Rachel, darling—that is to say, if I was well
insured.”
[Illustration:
“JEWISH COURTSHIP.”
]
* * * * *
_Mother Spons_—“What do I see, Mother Snaps!—you look quite well to-day,
and yet I was told you could not get out of your bed.”
_Mother Snaps_—“Well—and no more I can,—for as soon as ever I get up,
that husband of mine will carry it straight to the pawnbroker’s!”
* * * * *
“Who wrote the Psalms?” asked Pater Dodd, somewhat sharply, of his
class. All were silent, and the good priest repeated the question.
“It was not I, sir,” responded Janneke Snobs, beginning to cry.
“I ask you who wrote them!” repeated the priest.
“Yes, sir,” said Janneke, heroically, at last, “I did it, but I’ll never
do it again, as long as I live!”
* * * * *
AT SCHOOL.
The master is explaining the arithmetical operation of subtraction:—
“Now, Jantje, if your mother gives you five slices of bread and butter,
and you eat two, how many will you have left?”
“Mother never gives me so many, sir.”
“Well, then, if you have five marbles in your pocket, and take out two,
how many will there be left in it?”
“None at all, sir,—there’s a hole in my pocket.”
* * * * *
_A._—“Our business is so extensive that we have to keep a man on purpose
to thrash the apprentices, and he’s at it all day.”
_B._—“That’s nothing to ours! Our establishment is so immense that we
have to keep St Bernard dogs in the corridors to look for the customers
who lose themselves there!”
* * * * *
A man who had repeatedly called on a nobleman to obtain payment of a
debt, was refused access by the well-drilled footman, in the words, “The
Baron does not receive to-day.”
“That is all the same to me,” replied the creditor; “I don’t care,—as
long as he will _give_.”
* * * * *
AT A RESTAURANT.
_Snugger_ (_who has been waiting over an hour for his beefsteak_)—“Look
here, waiter, are you the same that put this plate on the table?”
[Illustration]
_Waiter_—“Yes, sir.”
_Snugger_—“Heavens! you’ve grown out of all knowledge since then!”
* * * * *
A PLEASANT TRADE.
A small boy goes howling along the street. Our friend Snobs accosts him
with, “What is the matter, my little man?”
Boy howls.
“Where do you live?”
Boy howls still.
“What is your father’s name?”
More howling.
“What is your mother’s name?”
Still more.
“What does your father do?”
“Beats mother. Ow! ow! ow!”
* * * * *
DISCONSOLATE.
_Kind-hearted Farmer’s Wife_—“Pietje, my boy, what’s the matter?”
_Pietje_ (_howling_)—“Can’t eat any more apples.”
“Well, put them in your pockets, can’t you?”
“Oh! oh! oh! My pockets are full! Oh! oh! oh! oh!”
* * * * *
_Judge_—“But why in the world did you go so far to steal wine, when you
might easily have got it in your master’s cellar?”
_Prisoner_—“I knew my master’s wine too well to steal even one bottle of
it.”
_Allemansvriend._
* * * * *
_Judge_ (to convicted thief)—“You seem to understand your business.”
_Prisoner_—“Yes, my lord, and if you could steal as well as I, you
wouldn’t care to sit on the bench any longer.”
_Vlaamsche Illustratie._
* * * * *
IN THE CONFESSIONAL.
_Boy_—“Rev. Father, I have stolen twenty-five yards of stuff from farmer
Klaas.”
[Illustration]
_Priest_—“Oh! that is very bad.”
_Boy_—“Yes; mother said it was bad, when she saw it, but still she
thought it would do to make sacks of.”
_Allemansvriend._
* * * * *
Never estimate a man’s value according to the silk umbrella he carries;
he has probably left a cotton one somewhere in place of it.
We are all ready to set up as moral physicians, and each of us can give
his advice; but a University diploma is necessary before you can cure a
child of the stomach-ache.
Many a man who says that he works like a barge-horse, is probably
thinking of the time when the barge-horse is standing in the stall
eating oats.
A word is enough for the wise. This is probably the reason why an
advocate has to plead for half a day before a jury.
* * * * *
Kobe Snullemans was about to be married, but he had only two francs, and
the priest asked a fee of twenty.
“Oh! your reverence!” said Kobe, “just marry me a little then, as much
as you can for two francs!”
_Tybaert._
* * * * *
_Janneke Snobs_—“Mamma, how do the niggers on the Congo know when it is
Sunday? they have no clean shirts to put on.”
* * * * *
_Conductor_ (to his clerk)—“Did you give the hundred francs to the
chairman of the Board of Works?”
_Clerk_—“Yes, sir.”
_Con._—“What sort of a face did he make?”
_Clerk_—“He looked very much offended.”
_Con._—“Didn’t he say anything?”
_Clerk_—“Yes, sir.”
_Con._—“What did he say?”
_Clerk_—“That you and I ought to go to jail!”
_Con._—“And what did he do then?”
_Clerk_—“He took the money.”
_Uilenspiegel._
* * * * *
UNNECESSARY.
Kapblok, the butcher’s man, is running, knife in hand, after Snugger’s
dog, who has stolen a piece of meat out of his shop.
_Snugger_—“Kapblok, where are you running to with that knife?”
_Kapblok_—“Don’t you see the beast has got hold of a piece of the best
beef?”
_Snugger_—“Is that all? Just put your knife back again; he never cuts
his meat, he can worry it down well enough without that.”
[Illustration:
“KAPBLOK, THE BUTCHER’S MAN.”
]
* * * * *
_Janneke Snobs_ (on his grandfather’s birthday)—“Grandfather dear, I
have come to wish you many happy returns of the day, and I hope you may
live a long time this year!”
_Tybaert._
* * * * *
IN THE CARNIVAL.
“Well, Krelis, are you going to put on a mask?”
_A Voice_—“If he would just wash himself for once, and put on a clean
collar, no one would know him.”
* * * * *
A HEART-FELT PETITION.
When Mané was still a minister, he was tolerably well known as a
henpecked man. In church, on one occasion, he closed his extempore
prayer with the following words:—“And now, O Lord! we pray for the wives
of preachers. Some people think they are angels, but Thou, who knowest
the hearts, art well aware that....”
History does not record what took place between Mané and his wife when
he returned home that day.
* * * * *
_Inspecting General_ (to Private)—“Are you satisfied with your rations?”
_Private_—“Yes, sir.”
_General_—“How about the meat? Does every one get served alike? or does
one get much and another little?”
_Private_—“No, sir; we all get very little.”
* * * * *
_Sentry_—“My good woman, what do you want with the pillar-box? You’ve
been standing there half-an-hour at least.”
_Old Woman_—“Well, I don’t mind if I tell you, sir. I put a letter in,
and I’m waiting for the answer.”
* * * * *
_Tall Barrister_—“Not so fast, my friend. You know I could easily put
you in my pocket.”
_Short Ditto_—“If my learned brother were to do so, he would have more
law in his pocket than in his head.”
* * * * *
“Professor, I have come to express my gratitude. All that I know, I owe
to you.”
_Professor_—“Come, come, friend, don’t mention it. _Such a trifle_ is
really not worth remembering.”
[Illustration:
“INSPECTOR GENERAL: ‘ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR RATIONS?’”
]
* * * * *
AT THE HATTER’S.
“What! you say this hat is thirty florins?”
“Yes, sir; real Panama.”
“But I don’t see any holes in the top.”
“Holes, sir?”
“Of course; the man who is ass enough to pay as much as that will want
holes to let his ears through.”
* * * * *
_Lawyer_—“My friend, you are an ass!”
_Witness_—“Do you mean, sir, that I am your friend because I am an ass?
or that I am an ass because I am your friend?”
* * * * *
_Waiter_—“Why, sir, there was a gentleman here last week painting this
very place.”
_Painter_ (absently)—“Yes. Was he an artist?”
_Waiter_—“An artist? No, sir; he was a _very respectable man_.”
* * * * *
_The Uncle_ (from whom one has expectations)—“My dearest boy, I have
thought over the matter for some time, but I really cannot give you the
sum you want. I never depart from my principles, and one of them is, not
to undress before I go to bed.”
_Nephew_ (constrainedly)—“Very sorry, very sorry, indeed.... (With an
effusive grasp of the hand.) Good-night, uncle! GOOD-NIGHT!”
* * * * *
ON A RIVER STEAMER.
_Gentleman_ (first-class)—“Captain, I say! this is an unpardonable want
of delicacy. Can’t you direct this cursed smoke towards the
_second-class passengers_?”
* * * * *
THE NEXT REGIMENT.
_Country Lass_—“Soldier, may I give you this pound of tobacco to take to
my cousin Jan? He’s in the 3rd, and I see you’re in the 2nd; so you’re
just next to him.”
_Soldier_—“With pleasure, lass; give it here. I’ll see that he don’t
have anything to pay for carriage.” (He rides away, in a state of total
indifference to Cousin Jan, and all that concerns him. Jan’s cousin goes
home, happy in the thought that he is going to get his tobacco so
cheaply.)
* * * * *
VERY SELECT.
“Do tell me, Baron, is there not a very clever surgeon living in the
village near your castle?”
“I am told so, madam, but ... you understand ... a country practitioner
like that ... I cannot put any confidence in him.... I only have him
sent for when one of the servants is ill.”
* * * * *
_Shopkeeper_ (catching boy with both hands in the till)—“You young
scoundrel, what do you want there?”
_Boy_—“I ... I ... I’m looking for my cap.”
_Shopkeeper_—“It’s on your head all the time, gallows-bird.”
_Boy_—“On my head? Oh, no! you’re out there. That’s not my cap; that’s
one I borrowed till I could find my own.”
* * * * *
AN INCORRUPTIBLE OFFICIAL.
_Suitor_ (from the country)—“Sir, here is a bit of a ham, home-cured,
just to thank you for——”
_Official_—“What? Idiot! rascal! Do you think a sworn civil servant is
going to let himself be bribed? Hand over the ham at once! Hand it over,
I say! And now out with you! There’s the door! Out you go! March!”
* * * * *
Silent reflections of a member of the dangerous classes.—“It’s mighty
queer; this makes five times I’ve been had up for stealing, and each
time they’ve let me off.... Hanged if I understand it; but it does seem
as if they meant me to go on!”
* * * * *
_College Porter_—“Yes, sir; our late colleague was one who always
discharged the duties of his office with the greatest zeal. And now he
is dead, and has not left a cent to pay for his funeral. We have
therefore resolved to get up a subscription; and I have taken the
liberty of coming to you, thinking you would contribute something
towards so worthy an object. We still want ten guilders.”
_Student_ (in a voice trembling with emotion)—“Ten guilders ... I am
deeply touched ... instead of ten I’ll give you a hundred; but do please
bury a few more college porters with the money.”
* * * * *
ON PARADE.
_Short Subaltern_ (to tall recruit)—“Fellow, how dare you have the
impudence to look down on me like that? Come, stand up straight—eyes
right—look straight before you.”
_Recruit_—“Good-bye, sir!”
_Short S._—“Are you mad, you scoundrel?”
_Recruit_—“No, sir; but if I am to keep looking straight in front of me,
sir, I’d better say good-bye, sir, please sir, for I’ll never see you
again in my life, sir!”
* * * * *
_Tenant_—“Gracious goodness! You have raised the rent again ... and what
for?”
_Landlord_—“What for?—you want to know what for? Why, for one thing,
there’s the new clock-tower and clock right in front of your window. Do
you think I intend to make you a present of that?”
* * * * *
_Mistress_ (giving out provisions for the kitchen)—“Don’t you want any
butter, Mie?”
_Maid_—“No, thank you, Mevrouw. I belong to the Temperance Society, and
must not take anything _strong_.”
* * * * *
_1st Soldier_ (in the country)—“What are those things in the field over
there?”
_2nd Soldier_—“Those are traps to catch moles.”