Would you not have thought, my dear Miss Howe, as well as I, that my
proposal must have been accepted: and that my brother, by the last
article of his unbrotherly letter (where he threatens to go to Scotland
if it should be hearkened to) was of opinion that it would.
For my part, after I had read the unkind letter over and over,
I concluded, upon the whole, that a reconciliation upon terms so
disadvantageous to myself, as hardly any other person in my case, I
dare say, would have proposed, must be the result of this morning's
conference. And in that belief I had begun to give myself new trouble in
thinking (this difficulty over) how I should be able to pacify Lovelace
on that part of my engagement, by which I undertook to break off all
correspondence with him, unless my friends should be brought, by the
interposition of his powerful friends, and any offers they might make,
(which it was rather his part to suggest, than mine to intimate,) to
change their minds.
Thus was I employed, not very agreeably, you may believe, because of the
vehemence of the tempers I had to conflict with; when breakfasting-time
approached, and my judges began to arrive.
And oh! how my heart fluttered on hearing the chariot of the one,
and then of the other, rattle through the court-yard, and the
hollow-sounding foot-step giving notice of each person's stepping out,
to take his place on the awful bench which my fancy had formed for them
and my other judges!
That, thought I, is my aunt Hervey's! That my uncle Harlowe's! Now comes
my uncle Antony! And my imagination made a fourth chariot for the odious
Solmes, although it happened he was not there.
And now, thought I, are they all assembled: and now my brother calls
upon my sister to make her report! Now the hard-hearted Bella interlards
her speech with invective! Now has she concluded her report! Now they
debate upon it!--Now does my brother flame! Now threaten to go to
Scotland! Now is he chidden, and now soothed!
And then I ran through the whole conference in my imagination, forming
speeches for this person and that, pro and con, till all concluded, as
I flattered myself, in an acceptance of my conditions, and in giving
directions to have an instrument drawn to tie me up to my good
behaviour; while I supposed all agreed to give Solmes a wife every way
more worthy of him, and with her the promise of my grandfather's estate,
in case of my forfeiture, or dying unmarried, on the righteous condition
he proposes to entitle himself to it with me.
And now, thought I, am I to be ordered down to recognize my own
proposals. And how shall I look upon my awful judges? How shall I stand
the questions of some, the set surliness of others, the returning love
of one or two? How greatly shall I be affected!
Then I wept: then I dried my eyes: then I practised at my glass for a
look more cheerful than my heart.
And now [as any thing stirred] is my sister coming to declare the issue
of all! Tears gushing again, my heart fluttering as a bird against its
wires; drying my eyes again and again to no purpose.
And thus, my Nancy, [excuse the fanciful prolixity,] was I employed, and
such were my thoughts and imaginations, when I found a very different
result from the hopeful conference.
For about ten o'clock up came my sister, with an air of cruel triumph,
waving her hand with a light flourish--
Obedience without reserve is required of you, Clary. My papa is justly
incensed, that you should presume to dispute his will, and to make
conditions with him. He knows what is best for you: and as you own
matters are gone a great way between this hated Lovelace and you,
they will believe nothing you say; except you will give the one only
instance, that will put them out of doubt of the sincerity of your
promises.
What, child, are you surprised?--Cannot you speak?--Then, it seems, you
had expected a different issue, had you?--Strange that you could!--With
all your acknowledgements and confessions, so creditable to your noted
prudence--!
I was indeed speechless for some time: my eyes were even fixed, and
ceased to flow. But upon the hard-hearted Bella's proceeding with her
airs of insult, Indeed I was mistaken, said I; indeed I was!----For in
you, Bella, I expected, I hoped for, a sister--
What! interrupted she, with all your mannerly flings, and your despising
airs, did you expect that I was capable of telling stories for you?--Did
you think, that when I was asked my own opinion of the sincerity of your
declarations, I could not tell tem, how far matters had gone between you
and your fellow?--When the intention is to bend that stubborn will of
yours to your duty, do you think I would deceive them?--Do you think I
would encourage them to call you down, to contradict all that I should
have invented in your favour?
Well, well, Bella; I am the less obliged to you; that's all. I was
willing to think that I had still a brother and sister. But I find I am
mistaken.
Pretty mopsy-eyed soul!--was her expression!--And was it willing to
think it had still a brother and sister? And why don't you go on, Clary?
[mocking my half-weeping accent] I thought I had a father, and mother,
two uncles, and an aunt: but I am mis--taken, that's all--come, Clary,
say this, and it will in part be true, because you have thrown off all
their authority, and because you respect one vile wretch more than them
all.
How have I deserved this at your hands, Sister?--But I will only say, I
pity you.
And with that disdainful air too, Clary!--None of that bridled neck!
none of your scornful pity, girl!--I beseech you!
This sort of behaviour is natural to you, surely, Bella!--What new
talents does it discover in you!--But proceed--If it be a pleasure to
you, proceed, Bella. And since I must not pity you, I will pity myself:
for nobody else will.