I have been frighted out of my wits--still am in a manner out of
breath--thus occasioned--I went down, under the usual pretence, in
hopes to find something from you. Concerned at my disappointment, I was
returning from the wood-house, when I heard a rustling as of somebody
behind a stack of wood. I was extremely surprised: but still more, to
behold a man coming from behind the furthermost stack. Oh! thought I, at
that moment, the sin of a prohibited correspondence!
In the same point of time that I saw him, he besought me not to be
frighted: and, still nearer approaching me, threw open a horseman's
coat: And who should it be but Mr. Lovelace!--I could not scream out
(yet attempted to scream, the moment I saw a man; and again, when I saw
who it was); for I had no voice: and had I not caught hold of a prop
which supported the old roof, I should have sunk.
I had hitherto, as you know, kept him at a distance: And now, as I
recovered myself, judge of my first emotions, when I recollected his
character from every mouth of my family; his enterprising temper; and
found myself alone with him, in a place so near a bye-lane, and so
remote from the house.
But his respectful behaviour soon dissipated these fears, and gave me
others; lest we should be seen together, and information of it given to
my brother: the consequences of which, I could readily think, would be,
if not further mischief, an imputed assignation, a stricter confinement,
a forfeited correspondence with you, my beloved friend, and a pretence
for the most violent compulsion: and neither the one set of reflections,
nor the other, acquitted him to me for his bold intrusion.
As soon therefore as I could speak, I expressed with the greatest warmth
my displeasure; and told him, that he cared not how much he exposed me
to the resentment of all my friends, provided he could gratify his own
impetuous humour. I then commanded him to leave the place that moment;
and was hurrying from him, when he threw himself in the way at my feet,
beseeching my stay for one moment; declaring, that he suffered himself
to be guilty of this rashness, as I thought it, to avoid one much
greater:--for, in short, he could not bear the hourly insults he
received from my family, with the thoughts of having so little interest
in my favour, that he could not promise himself that his patience and
forbearance would be attended with any other issue than to lose me for
ever, and be triumphed over and insulted upon it.
This man, you know, has very ready knees. You have said, that he ought,
in small points, frequently to offend, on purpose to shew what an
address he is master of.
He ran on, expressing his apprehensions that a temper so gentle and
obliging, as he said mine was, to every body but him, (and a dutifulness
so exemplary inclined me to do my part to others, whether they did
theirs or not by me,) would be wrought upon in favour of a man set up in
part to be revenged upon myself, for my grandfather's envied distinction
of me; and in part to be revenged upon him, for having given life to
one, who would have taken his; and now sought to deprive him of hopes
dearer to him than life.
I told him, he might be assured, that the severity and ill-usage I
met with would be far from effecting the proposed end: that although I
could, with great sincerity, declare for a single life (which had always
been my choice); and particularly, that if ever I married, if they would
not insist upon the man I had an aversion to, it should not be with the
man they disliked--
He interrupted me here: He hoped I would forgive him for it; but
he could not help expressing his great concern, that, after so many
instances of his passionate and obsequious devotion--
And pray, Sir, said I, let me interrupt you in my turn;--Why don't you
assert, in still plainer words, the obligation you have laid me under by
this your boasted devotion? Why don't you let me know, in terms as high
as your implication, that a perseverance I have not wished for, which
has set all my relations at variance with me, is a merit that throws
upon me the guilt of ingratitude for not having answered it as you seem
to expect?
I must forgive him, he said, if he, who pretended only to a comparative
merit, (and otherwise thought no man living could deserve me,) had
presumed to hope for a greater share in my favour, than he had hitherto
met with, when such men as Mr. Symmes, Mr. Wyerley, and now, lastly, so
vile a reptile as this Solmes, however discouraged by myself, were made
his competitors. As to the perseverance I mentioned, it was impossible
for him not to persevere: but I must needs know, that were he not in
being, the terms Solmes had proposed were such, as would have involved
me in the same difficulties with my relations that I now laboured under.
He therefore took the liberty to say, that my favour to him, far from
increasing those difficulties, would be the readiest way to extricate me
from them. They had made it impossible [he told me, with too much truth]
to oblige them any way, but by sacrificing myself to Solmes. They were
well apprized besides of the difference between the two; one, whom they
hoped to manage as they pleased; the other, who could and would protect
me from every insult; and who had natural prospects much superior to my
brother's foolish views of a title.
How comes this man to know so well all our foibles? But I more wonder,
how he came to have a notion of meeting me in this place?
I was very uneasy to be gone; and the more as the night came on apace.
But there was no getting from him, till I had heard a great deal more of
what he had to say.
As he hoped, that I would one day make him the happiest man in the
world, he assured me, that he had so much regard for my fame, that he
would be as far from advising any step that was likely to cast a shade
upon my reputation, (although that step was to be ever so much in his
own favour,) as I would be to follow such advice. But since I was not
to be permitted to live single, he would submit it to my consideration,
whether I had any way but one to avoid the intended violence to my
inclinations--my father so jealous of his authority: both my uncles in
my father's way of thinking: my cousin Morden at a distance: my uncle
and aunt Hervey awed into insignificance, was his word: my brother and
sister inflaming every one: Solmes's offers captivating: Miss Howe's
mother rather of a party with them, for motives respecting example to
her own daughter.
And then he asked me, if I would receive a letter from Lady Betty
Lawrance, on this occasion: for Lady Sarah Sadleir, he said, having
lately lost her only child, hardly looked into the world, or thought of
it farther than to wish him married, and, preferably to all the women in
the world, with me.
To be sure, my dear, there is a great deal in what the man said--I may
be allowed to say this, without an imputed glow or throb. But I told
him nevertheless, that although I had great honour for the ladies he
was related to, yet I should not choose to receive a letter on a subject
that had a tendency to promote an end I was far from intending to
promote: that it became me, ill as I was treated at present, to hope
every thing, to bear every thing, and to try ever thing: when my father
saw my steadfastness, and that I would die rather than have Mr. Solmes,
he would perhaps recede--
Interrupting me, he represented the unlikelihood there was of that,
from the courses they had entered upon; which he thus enumerated:--Their
engaging Mrs. Howe against me, in the first place, as a person I might
have thought to fly to, if pushed to desperation--my brother continually
buzzing in my father's ears, that my cousin Morden would soon arrive,
and then would insist upon giving me possession of my grandfather's
estate, in pursuance of the will; which would render me independent
of my father--their disgraceful confinement of me--their dismissing so
suddenly my servant, and setting my sister's over me--their engaging my
mother, contrary to her own judgment, against me: these, he said, were
all so many flagrant proofs that they would stick at nothing to carry
their point; and were what made him inexpressibly uneasy.
He appealed to me, whether ever I knew my father recede from any
resolution he had once fixed; especially, if he thought either
his prerogative, or his authority concerned in the question. His
acquaintance with our family, he said, enabled him to give several
instances (but they would be too grating to me) of an arbitrariness
that had few examples even in the families of princes: an arbitrariness,
which the most excellent of women, my mother, too severely experienced.
He was proceeding, as I thought, with reflections of this sort; and I
angrily told him, I would not permit my father to be reflected upon;
adding, that his severity to me, however unmerited, was not a warrant
for me to dispense with my duty to him.
He had no pleasure, he said, in urging any thing that could be so
construed; for, however well warranted he was to make such reflections
from the provocations they were continually giving him, he knew how
offensive to me any liberties of this sort would be. And yet he must
own, that it was painful to him, who had youth and passions to be
allowed for, as well as others, and who had always valued himself under
speaking his mind, to curb himself, under such treatment. Nevertheless,
his consideration for me would make him confine himself, in his
observations, to facts that were too flagrant, and too openly avowed, to
be disputed. It could not therefore justly displease, he would venture
to say, if he made this natural inference from the premises, That
if such were my father's behaviour to a wife, who disputed not the
imaginary prerogatives he was so unprecedently fond of asserting, what
room had a daughter to hope, that he would depart from an
authority he was so earnest, and so much more concerned, to
maintain?--Family-interests at the same time engaging; an aversion,
however causelessly conceived, stimulating my brother's and sister's
resentments and selfish views cooperating; and my banishment from their
presence depriving me of all personal plea or entreaty in my own favour.
How unhappy, my dear, that there is but too much reason for these
observations, and for this inference; made, likewise, with more coolness
and respect to my family than one would have apprehended from a man
so much provoked, and of passions so high, and generally thought
uncontroulable!
Will you not question me about throbs and glows, if from such instances
of a command over his fiery temper, for my sake, I am ready to infer,
that were my friends capable of a reconciliation with him, he might be
affected by arguments apparently calculated for his present and future
good! Nor is it a very bad indication, that he has such moderate notions
of that very high prerogative in husbands, of which we in our family
have been accustomed to hear so much.
He represented to me, that my present disgraceful confinement was known
to all the world: that neither my sister nor my brother scrupled to
represent me as an obliged and favoured child in a state of actual
rebellion. That, nevertheless, every body who knew me was ready to
justify me for an aversion to a man whom every body thought utterly
unworthy of me, and more fit for my sister: that unhappy as he was,
in not having been able to make any greater impression upon me in his
favour, all the world gave me to him. Nor was there but one objection
made to him by his very enemies (his birth, his prospects all very
unexceptionable, and the latter splendid); and that objection, he
thanked God, and my example, was in a fair way of being removed for
ever: since he had seen his error, and was heartily sick of the courses
he had followed; which, however, were far less enormous than malice and
envy had represented them to be. But of this he should say the less, as
it were much better to justify himself by his actions, than by the most
solemn asseverations and promises. And then, complimenting my person,
he assured me (for that he always loved virtue, although he had not
followed its rules as he ought) that he was still more captivated with
the graces of my mind: and would frankly own, that till he had the
honour to know me, he had never met with an inducement sufficient to
enable him to overcome an unhappy kind of prejudice to matrimony; which
had made him before impenetrable to the wishes and recommendations of
all his relations.
You see, my dear, he scruples not to speak of himself, as his enemies
speak of him. I can't say, but his openness in these particulars gives
a credit to his other professions. I should easily, I think, detect
an hypocrite: and this man particularly, who is said to have allowed
himself in great liberties, were he to pretend to instantaneous lights
and convictions--at this time of life too. Habits, I am sensible, are
not so easily changed. You have always joined with me in remarking, that
he will speak his mind with freedom, even to a degree of unpoliteness
sometimes; and that his very treatment of my family is a proof that he
cannot make a mean court to any body for interest sake--What pity, where
there are such laudable traces, that they should have been so mired, and
choaked up, as I may say!--We have heard, that the man's head is better
than his heart: But do you really think Mr. Lovelace can have a very bad
heart? Why should not there be something in blood in the human
creature, as well as in the ignobler animals? None of his family are
exceptionable--but himself, indeed. The characters of the ladies are
admirable. But I shall incur the imputation I wish to avoid. Yet what a
look of censoriousness does it carry in an unsparing friend, to take one
to task for doing that justice, and making those which one ought without
scruple to do, and to make, in the behalf of any other man living?
He then again pressed me to receive a letter of offered protection from
Lady Betty. He said, that people of birth stood a little too much upon
punctilio; as people of value also did (but indeed birth, worthily lived
up to, was virtue: virtue, birth; the inducements to a decent punctilio
the same; the origin of both one): [how came this notion from him!]
else, Lady Betty would write to me: but she would be willing to be first
apprized that her offer will be well received--as it would have the
appearance of being made against the liking of one part of my family;
and which nothing would induce her to make, but the degree of unworthy
persecution which I actually laboured under, and had reason further to
apprehend.
I told him, that, however greatly I thought myself obliged to Lady Betty
Lawrance, if this offer came from herself; yet it was easy to see to
what it led. It might look like vanity in me perhaps to say, that this
urgency in him, on this occasion, wore the face of art, in order to
engage me into measures from which I might not easily extricate myself.
I said, that I should not be affected by the splendour of even a royal
title. Goodness, I thought, was greatness. That the excellent characters
of the ladies of his family weighed more with me, than the consideration
that they were half-sisters to Lord M. and daughters of an earl: that
he would not have found encouragement from me, had my friends been
consenting to his address, if he had only a mere relative merit to those
ladies: since, in that case, the very reasons that made me admire them,
would have been so many objections to their kinsman.
I then assured him, that it was with infinite concern, that I had found
myself drawn into an epistolary correspondence with him; especially
since that correspondence had been prohibited: and the only agreeable
use I could think of making of this unexpected and undesired interview,
was, to let him know, that I should from henceforth think myself obliged
to discontinue it. And I hoped, that he would not have the thought of
engaging me to carry it on by menacing my relations.
There was light enough to distinguish, that he looked very grave upon
this. He so much valued my free choice, he said, and my unbiassed
favour, (scorning to set himself upon a footing with Solmes in the
compulsory methods used in that man's behalf,) that he should hate
himself, were he capable of a view of intimidating me by so very poor
a method. But, nevertheless, there were two things to be considered:
First, that the continual outrages he was treated with; the spies set
over him, one of which he had detected; the indignities all his family
were likewise treated with;--as also, myself; avowedly in malice to him,
or he should not presume to take upon himself to resent for me, without
my leave [the artful wretch saw he would have lain open here, had he not
thus guarded]--all these considerations called upon him to shew a proper
resentment: and he would leave it to me to judge, whether it would be
reasonable for him, as a man of spirit, to bear such insults, if it
were not for my sake. I would be pleased to consider, in the next place,
whether the situation I was in, (a prisoner in my father's house, and my
whole family determined to compel me to marry a man unworthy of me, and
that speedily, and whether I consented or not,) admitted of delay in the
preventive measures he was desirous to put me upon, in the last resort
only. Nor was there a necessity, he said, if I were actually in Lady
Betty's protection, that I should be his, if, afterwards, I should see
any thing objectionable in his conduct.
But what would the world conclude would be the end, I demanded, were I,
in the last resort, as he proposed, to throw myself into the protection
of his friends, but that it was with such a view?
And what less did the world think of me now, he asked, than that I was
confined that I might not? You are to consider, Madam, you have not now
an option; and to whom is it owing that you have not; and that you
are in the power of those (parents, why should I call them?) who are
determined, that you shall not have an option. All I propose is, that
you will embrace such a protection--but not till you have tried every
way, to avoid the necessity for it.
And give me leave to say, proceeded he, that if a correspondence, on
which I have founded all my hopes, is, at this critical conjuncture, to
be broken off; and if you are resolved not to be provided against the
worst; it must be plain to me, that you will at last yield to that
worst--worst to me only--it cannot be to you--and then! [and he put his
hand clenched to his forehead] How shall I bear this supposition?--Then
will you be that Solmes's!--But, by all that's sacred, neither he, nor
your brother, nor your uncles, shall enjoy their triumph--Perdition
seize my soul, if they shall!
The man's vehemence frightened me: yet, in resentment, I would have
left him; but, throwing himself at my feet again, Leave me not thus--I
beseech you, dearest Madam, leave me not thus, in despair! I kneel not,
repenting of what I have vowed in such a case as that I have supposed.
I re-vow it, at your feet!--and so he did. But think not it is by way
of menace, or to intimidate you to favour me. If your heart inclines
you [and then he arose] to obey your father (your brother rather) and to
have Solmes; although I shall avenge myself on those who have insulted
me, for their insults to myself and family, yet will I tear out my heart
from this bosom (if possible with my own hands) were it to scruple to
give up its ardours to a woman capable of such a preference.
I told him, that he talked to me in very high language; but he might
assure himself that I never would have Mr. Solmes, (yet that this I said
not in favour to him,) and I had declared as much to my relations, were
there not such a man as himself in the world.
Would I declare, that I would still honour him with my
correspondence?--He could not bear, that, hoping to obtain greater
instances of my favour, he should forfeit the only one he had to boast
of.
I bid him forbear rashness or resentment to any of my family, and I
would, for some time at least, till I saw what issue my present trials
were likely to have, proceed with a correspondence, which, nevertheless,
my heart condemned--
And his spirit him, the impatient creature said, interrupting me, for
bearing what he did; when he considered, that the necessity of it was
imposed upon him, not by my will, (for then he would bear it cheerfully,
and a thousand times more,) but by creatures--And there he stopt.
I told him plainly that he might thank himself (whose indifferent
character, as to morals, had given such a handle against him) for all.
It was but just, that a man should be spoken evil of, who set no value
upon his reputation.
He offered to vindicate himself. But I told him, I would judge him by
his own rule--by his actions, not by his professions.
Were not his enemies, he said, so powerful, and so determined; and had
they not already shewn their intentions in such high acts of even cruel
compulsion; but would leave me to my choice, or to my desire of living
single; he would have been content to undergo a twelvemonth's probation,
or more: but he was confident, that one month would either complete all
their purposes, or render them abortive: and I best knew what hopes I
had of my father's receding--he did not know him, if I had any.
I said, I would try every method, that either my duty or my influence
upon any of them should suggest, before I would put myself into any
other protection: and, if nothing else would do, would resign the envied
estate; and that I dared to say would.
He was contented, he said, to abide that issue. He should be far from
wishing me to embrace any other protection, but, as he had frequently
said, in the last necessity. But dearest creature, said he, catching
my hand with ardour, and pressing it to his lips, if the yielding up
of that estate will do--resign it--and be mine--and I will corroborate,
with all my soul, your resignation!
This was not ungenerously said: But what will not these men say to
obtain belief, and a power over one?
I made many efforts to go; and now it was so dark, that I began to have
great apprehensions. I cannot say from his behaviour: indeed, he has a
good deal raised himself in my opinion by the personal respect, even to
reverence, which he paid me during the whole conference: for, although
he flamed out once, upon a supposition that Solmes might succeed, it was
upon a supposition that would excuse passion, if any thing could, you
know, in a man pretending to love with fervour; although it was so
levelled, that I could not avoid resenting it.
He recommended himself to my favour at parting, with great earnestness,
yet with as great submission; not offering to condition any thing with
me; although he hinted his wishes for another meeting: which I forbad
him ever attempting again in the same place. And I will own to you,
from whom I should be really blamable to conceal any thing, that his
arguments (drawn from the disgraceful treatment I meet with) of what
I am to expect, make me begin to apprehend that I shall be under an
obligation to be either the one man's or the other's--and, if so, I
fancy I shall not incur your blame, were I to say which of the two it
must be: you have said, which it must not be. But, O my dear, the single
life is by far the most eligible to me: indeed it is. And I hope yet to
be permitted to make that option.
I got back without observation; but the apprehension that I should
not, gave me great uneasiness; and made me begin a letter in a greater
flutter than he gave me cause to be in, except at the first seeing him;
for then indeed my spirits failed me; and it was a particular felicity,
that, in such a place, in such a fright, and alone with him, I fainted
not away.
I should add, that having reproached him with his behaviour the last
Sunday at church, he solemnly assured me, that it was not what had been
represented to me: that he did not expect to see me there: but hoped to
have an opportunity to address himself to my father, and to be permitted
to attend him home. But that the good Dr. Lewen had persuaded him not
to attempt speaking to any of the family, at that time; observing to him
the emotions into which his presence had put every body. He intended
no pride, or haughtiness of behaviour, he assured me; and that the
attributing such to him was the effect of that ill-will which he had
the mortification to find insuperable: adding, that when he bowed to my
mother, it was a compliment he intended generally to every one in the
pew, as well as to her, whom he sincerely venerated.
If he may be believed, (and I should think he would not have come
purposely to defy my family, yet expect favour from me,) one may see,
my dear, the force of hatred, which misrepresents all things. Yet why
should Shorey (except officiously to please her principals) make a
report in his disfavour? He told me, that he would appeal to Dr. Lewen
for his justification on this head; adding, that the whole conversation
between the Doctor and him turned upon his desire to attempt to
reconcile himself to us all, in the face of the church; and upon
the Doctor's endeavouring to dissuade him from making such a public
overture, till he knew how it would be accepted. But to what purpose
his appeal, when I am debarred from seeing that good man, or any one who
would advise me what to do in my present difficult situation!
I fancy, my dear, however, that there would hardly be a guilty person in
the world, were each suspected or accused person to tell his or her own
story, and be allowed any degree of credit.