Having acknowledged to you, that I had received letters from Mr.
Lovelace full of resentment, and that I answered them purely to prevent
further mischief, and having shewn you copies of my answers, which you
did not disapprove of, although you thought fit, after you had read
them, to forbid me any further correspondence with him, I think it my
duty to acquaint you, that another letter from him has since come to my
hand, in which he is very earnest with me to permit him to wait on my
papa, or you, or my two uncles, in a pacific way, accompanied by Lord
M.: on which I beg your commands.
I own to you, Madam, that had not the prohibition been renewed, and had
not Hannah been so suddenly dismissed my service, I should have made
the less scruple to have written an answer, and to have commanded her
to convey it to him, with all speed, in order to dissuade him from these
visits, lest any thing should happen on the occasion that my heart aches
but to think of.
And here I cannot but express my grief, that I should have all the
punishment and all the blame, who, as I have reason to think, have
prevented great mischief, and have not been the occasion of any. For,
Madam, could I be supposed to govern the passions of either of the
gentlemen?--Over the one indeed I have had some little influence,
without giving him hitherto any reason to think he has fastened an
obligation upon me for it.--Over the other, Who, Madam, has any?--I am
grieved at heart, to be obliged to lay so great a blame at my brother's
door, although my reputation and my liberty are both to be sacrificed
to his resentment and ambition. May not, however, so deep a sufferer be
permitted to speak out?
This communication being as voluntarily made, as dutifully intended,
I humbly presume to hope, that I shall not be required to produce the
letter itself. I cannot either in honour or prudence do that, because of
the vehemence of his style; for having heard [not, I assure you, by my
means, or through Hannah's] of some part of the harsh treatment I have
met with; he thinks himself entitled to place it to his own account, by
reason of speeches thrown out by some of my relations, equally vehement.
If I do not answer him, he will be made desperate, and think himself
justified (thought I shall not think him so) in resenting the treatment
he complains of: if I do, and if, in compliment to me, he forbears to
resent what he thinks himself entitled to resent; be pleased, Madam, to
consider the obligation he will suppose he lays me under.
If I were as strongly prepossessed in his favour as is supposed, I
should not have wished this to be considered by you. And permit me, as
a still further proof that I am not prepossessed, to beg of you to
consider, Whether, upon the whole, the proposal I made, of declaring for
the single life (which I will religiously adhere to) is not the best way
to get rid of his pretensions with honour. To renounce him, and not be
allowed to aver, that I will never be the other man's, will make him
conclude (driven as I am driven) that I am determined in that other
man's favour.
If this has not its due weight, my brother's strange schemes must be
tried, and I will resign myself to my destiny with all the acquiescence
that shall be granted to my prayers. And so leaving the whole to your
own wisdom, and whether you choose to consult my papa and uncles upon
this humble application, or not; or whether I shall be allowed to write
an answer to Mr. Lovelace, or not [and if allowed to do so, I beg your
direction by whom to send it]; I remain,
Honoured Madam, Your unhappy, but ever dutiful daughter, CL. HARLOWE.