I have been hindered from prosecuting my intention. Neither nights nor
mornings have been my own. My mother has been very ill; and would have
no other nurse but me. I have not stirred from her bedside (for she kept
her bed); and two nights I had the honour of sharing it with her.
Her disorder was a very violet colic. The contentions of these fierce,
these masculine spirits, and the apprehension of mischiefs that may
arise from the increasing animosity which all here have against Mr.
Lovelace, and his too well known resenting and intrepid character, she
cannot bear. Then the foundations laid, as she dreads, for jealousy and
heart-burnings in her own family, late so happy and so united, afflict
exceedingly a gentle and sensible mind, which has from the beginning, on
all occasions, sacrificed its own inward satisfaction to outward peace.
My brother and sister, who used very often to jar, are now so entirely
one, and are so much together, (caballing was the word that dropt from
my mother's lips, as if at unawares,) that she is very fearful of the
consequences that may follow;--to my prejudice, perhaps, is her kind
concern; since she sees that they behave to me every hour with more and
more shyness and reserve: yet, would she but exert that authority which
the superiority of her fine talents gives her, all these family feuds
might perhaps be extinguished in their but yet beginnings; especially as
she may be assured that all fitting concessions shall be made by me,
not only as my brother and sister are my elders, but for the sake of so
excellent and so indulgent a mother.
For, if I may say to you, my dear, what I would not to any other person
living, it is my opinion, that had she been of a temper that would have
borne less, she would have had ten times less to bear, than she has had.
No commendation, you'll say, of the generosity of those spirits which
can turn to its own disquiet so much condescending goodness.
Upon my word I am sometimes tempted to think that we may make the world
allow for and respect us as we please, if we can but be sturdy in our
wills, and set out accordingly. It is but being the less beloved for it,
that's all: and if we have power to oblige those we have to do with, it
will not appear to us that we are. Our flatterers will tell us any thing
sooner than our faults, or what they know we do not like to hear.
Were there not truth in this observation, is it possible that my brother
and sister could make their very failings, their vehemences, of such
importance to all the family? 'How will my son, how will my nephew, take
this or that measure? What will he say to it? Let us consult him about
it;' are references always previous to every resolution taken by his
superiors, whose will ought to be his. Well may he expect to be treated
with this deference by every other person, when my father himself,
generally so absolute, constantly pays it to him; and the more since his
godmother's bounty has given independence to a spirit that was before
under too little restraint.--But whither may these reflections lead
me!--I know you do not love any of us but my mother and me; and, being
above all disguises, make me sensible that you do not oftener than I
wish.--Ought I then to add force to your dislikes of those whom I wish
you to like?--of my father especially; for he, alas! has some excuse
for his impatience of contradiction. He is not naturally an ill-tempered
man; and in his person and air, and in his conversation too, when not
under the torture of a gouty paroxysm, every body distinguishes the
gentleman born and educated.
Our sex perhaps must expect to bear a little--uncourtliness shall I call
it?--from the husband whom as the lover they let know the preference
their hearts gave him to all other men.--Say what they will of
generosity being a manly virtue; but upon my word, my dear, I have ever
yet observed, that it is not to be met with in that sex one time in ten
that it is to be found in ours.--But my father was soured by the cruel
distemper I have named; which seized him all at once in the very prime
of life, in so violent a manner as to take from the most active of
minds, as his was, all power of activity, and that in all appearance for
life.--It imprisoned, as I may say, his lively spirits in himself,
and turned the edge of them against his own peace; his extraordinary
prosperity adding to his impatiency. Those, I believe, who want the
fewest earthly blessings, most regret that they want any.
But my brother! What excuse can be made for his haughty and morose
temper? He is really, my dear, I am sorry to have occasion to say it, an
ill-temper'd young man; and treats my mother sometimes--Indeed he is not
dutiful.--But, possessing every thing, he has the vice of age, mingled
with the ambition of youth, and enjoys nothing--but his own haughtiness
and ill-temper, I was going to say.--Yet again am I adding force to your
dislikes of some of us.--Once, my dear, it was perhaps in your power to
have moulded him as you pleased.--Could you have been my sister!--Then
had I friend in a sister.--But no wonder that he does not love you now;
who could nip in the bud, and that with a disdain, let me say, too
much of kin to his haughtiness, a passion that would not have wanted
a fervour worthy of the object; and which possibly would have made him
worthy.
But no more of this. I will prosecute my former intention in my next;
which I will sit down to as soon as breakfast is over; dispatching this
by the messenger whom you have so kindly sent to inquire after us on my
silence. Mean time, I am,
Your most affectionate and obliged friend and servant, CL. HARLOWE.