A TIGHT CURB.
When an indolent, easy-going, trouble-hating man, such as my father,
marries an energetic, bustling, authority-loving woman, such as Mrs.
Grove, it is not hard to foresee which of the two will bear rule in
the establishment. A very brief acquaintance with Sir Anthony
sufficed to show the widow that, with a little management on her
part, she would be able to govern the household as she liked; that as
long as he was kept amused he would not bother himself to interfere
with her arrangements; and that all she need do in order to keep the
reins entirely in her own hands, was to take care that her way and
his were identical in whatever affected his personal comfort--she
would then be free to please herself as far as all other things were
concerned. She was not, at first, altogether easy in her mind as to
how he would bear the discovery of what the real state of her money
matters was; which discovery, as she knew, he must inevitably make
soon, and might possibly cause him to be seriously angry with her.
But she need not have feared this with a man of his disposition, who
never worried himself about anything that could not be helped. Though
he was, undoubtedly, much annoyed to find how much poorer she was
than he had supposed, yet he reflected, with his usual philosophy,
that it was no use making a fuss about it, now that he had married
her, and that what could not be altered had better be made the best
of. So he gulped down the disappointment with a wry face or two, and
did not attempt to make her suffer for her deceitfulness as she
deserved.
As soon as she was satisfied on this head, and felt that she was
established in her seat securely, she turned her attention to me--who
would infinitely have preferred being let alone. I had never trusted
to the sincerity of the professions of affection she had lavished on
me in the early stages of our acquaintance, when she had imagined me
to be my father's especial pet; and it speedily became evident that
this distrust of mine had been well founded. She thought it quite
worth while taking trouble to keep the master of the house in good
humour, and would study and humour his likes and dislikes in the most
amiable manner possible. But she saw no reason for extending the same
consideration to a mere insignificant nobody; and when she had
discovered how little he cared for me, and that she might do as she
pleased regarding me and my affairs without danger of interference
from him, she proceeded to take my education in hand, and conduct it
according to her own notions. As her ideas on the subject and mine
were entirely different, and as the more she and I saw of one another
the more we disliked each other, the result of this meddling of hers
was fatal to my comfort. And the two or three years following my
father's second marriage were so horribly dull and tedious to me that
I cannot recall them without a shudder.
Everything seemed to go against me from the time of that wedding. In
the first place, I resented having a stepmother, and finding myself
forced suddenly into terms of intimacy with the three strangers (her
and her two daughters) who had all at once become part of my family.
Then came the termination of the foreign wanderings that I had found
so pleasant. And now came the culminating misery of being under the
commands of a selfish, vulgar, lying, bullying, stingy, pretentious,
plausible, tyrannical woman, whom I could not endure, and who fully
returned my dislike.
I had an unlucky knack of perpetually irritating her, and was always
sure to be in the wrong in her eyes. Either I said or did something
that was contrary to her notions of what I ought to have said or
done; or I scandalised her by displaying grievous ignorance of some
subject which she deemed an essential branch of knowledge; or else I
shocked her prejudices in some other way. She was not the woman to
put up quietly with offences of this kind in her own household, and
proceeded without delay to attempt to remedy my deficiencies.
Accordingly she informed my father that she considered my mental
condition to have been neglected terribly; that I had been allowed to
run wild till I was very nearly ruined; and that she saw no chance of
my ever becoming a properly behaved young lady and decent member of
society unless a governess were procured for me immediately, and I
were kept strictly to the schoolroom until such time as I should
come out. Should she, therefore, engage a governess? My father,
as usual, made no objection to a proposal which would in no way
interfere with his own comfort. All he said was that she could do
just as she thought best about it; that he did not himself see much
to complain of in me, and had thought I was not at all bad company,
considering my youth; but that he had no doubt she understood
better than him what was necessary for girls, and that whatever she
did was sure to be right.
Armed with this permission, she at once took steps to carry out her
intention, and a few days afterwards announced to me the contemplated
innovation.
"Your father and I have agreed, Ina," she said, "that it is high
time to make a change in your present mode of life--you need to be
put into harness for a bit and broken in. Therefore, I have engaged
a governess for you, and she will be here next week. What I wish
to impress upon you now is, that when she comes you must do what
she tells you, and that I shall expect you to pass your time with
her. I do not approve of your fondness for sitting in your own
room; nor yet of your habit of appearing continually amongst us
elders when there are visitors here, just as if you were grown up
and already introduced into society! The drawing-room is not the
proper place for a girl of your age. Remember that in future you
are to remain always in the schoolroom when indoors, and that, when
not at lessons, you must employ yourself there in some quiet and
ladylike pursuit--needlework perhaps, or something of that kind. And
when you go out you will walk with your governess, and not go
climbing trees, or digging out rabbits, or racing all over the place
like a wild thing, as you generally do."
The idea of being thus hampered and restrained filled me with dismay;
and in my despair I appealed to my father, in hopes that he would
protect my cherished liberty of action.
"Why should I have a governess at all?" I exclaimed to him; "I'm
sure I've got on very well without, for ever so long! But even if
I _am_ to have one, surely I may be free of the hateful thing out of
lesson-time, mayn't I? Just think how _horrid_ it would be to be
obliged to be always with her--sitting in the room with her all day,
and only going for stupid, straight-on-end grinds along the hard high
road with her when I go out! Do say that I'm not to be condemned to
that, at all events!"
No doubt I was a fool for my pains, and ought to have known better
than to suppose that I could move him to oppose his wife on my
behalf. So the event proved, for he declined to interfere in the
matter, and the only effect produced by my appeal was to strengthen
Lady Trecastle's hands by increasing her conviction of the extreme
unlikelihood of my father's ever paying attention to any complaint
that I might make to him. From that time forth, therefore, she felt
more secure than ever in her authority over me, and her tyranny
increased accordingly. When the governess arrived I was kept immured
in the schoolroom the greater part of each day, and was surrounded by
a variety of petty restraints and restrictions which were enough to
have worried any girl, and were especially vexatious and irksome to
one who had had the unusual amount of independence which I had been
enjoying of recent years. I found myself deprived of freedom; always
under _surveillance_; obliged to learn uninteresting lessons; bored;
and constantly tacked on to the petticoats of an individual whose
office of governess made her necessarily hateful in my eyes, however
charming--even angelic--she might really be. Of course such an
existence was perfectly odious to me, and I do not think that I could
have anyhow managed to endure it as long as I did, if I had not
fortunately hit upon a means whereby I could to some extent relieve
its dreary monotony. This resource consisted in victimising, to the
extent of my power, any rash female who had undertaken to instruct
me, playing off upon her ill-natured pranks of all kinds, and leaving
no stone unturned to make her life a burden to her till I had fairly
driven her out of the house.
What a dreadful confession of unamiability! some reader may, perhaps,
here exclaim. Well--I do not deny it. Be it remembered that the
purpose of this narrative is, not to set forth an imaginary picture
of virtue and excellence, but simply an accurate likeness of myself;
and I should evidently fail of accomplishing that purpose if I were
to conceal or gloss over those sentiments which I really entertained
and acted upon. But even if my behaviour _does_ lay me open to the
charge of unamiability, I do not think that that need be wondered at,
when the peculiarities of my natural disposition, of my bringing-up,
and of my whole circumstances, are taken into consideration.
The occupation of bullying and annoying my governesses to the utmost
possible extent had a double recommendation in my eyes. Not only did
it supply an ample field for my ingenuity, and give me something
amusing to think about in the dreary walks and long hours spent in
the schoolroom, but also it afforded me the satisfaction of
retaliation. I had a savage joy in knowing that I was able to pay off
my companion for some of the vexations that she was the means of
inflicting on me; and I relished the thought that even if I _did_
have a rough time myself, yet at all events I did not suffer alone.
Endless, therefore, were the tricks and practical jokes which I used
to devise and execute for the aggravation of whatever unlucky
individual happened to have taken charge of my education; and so
skilful was I in my operations that it was but seldom any piece of
mischief could be traced home to me, however greatly I might be
suspected of its authorship. I was an adept, too, at the art of
being extremely insulting and provoking without saying anything that
would seem a just cause of irritation if repeated to a third person.
I knew how to speak with an offensiveness of voice and manner which
gave an injurious significance to words that were in themselves
innocent; and by this method I have often succeeded in making a
governess wildly angry, although I had given her nothing tangible
that could be taken hold of and brought against me to substantiate a
charge of rudeness. If she complained that I had been impertinent, I
assumed an air of injured innocence, repeated exactly what I had
said, asked what harm there was in that? and declared that it was
very unfair to blame me because Miss so-and-so had chosen to fly
into a passion about nothing. In fact I was aggravating enough to
have provoked the patient Grizzel herself; and as governesses are
not much apt to be patient Grizzels in their relations to their
pupils (however gentle and long-suffering they may make themselves
appear to the heads of the establishment), our schoolroom was in a
constant state of turmoil and ferment, and there was a remarkable
difficulty in getting governesses to stay at Castle Manor. About a
month or six weeks was generally enough to disgust them with the
situation, and they rarely failed to give notice at the end of that
time. This was an event that always gave me a sensation of unmixed
satisfaction; as, for one thing, I then felt that I had scored a
fresh victory and routed another enemy, and also, I knew that the
arrival of her successor could not fail to bring some small amount
of variety into the monotonous routine of existence of which I was so
deadly tired.
But this constant change of governesses over which I rejoiced, and
which was chiefly my doing, was by no means equally agreeable to Lady
Trecastle. When an instructress went, it was she who had to procure a
successor, and she did not find it at all amusing to be incessantly
answering advertisements, writing for characters, and that sort of
thing. And as, notwithstanding the difficulty of ever actually
proving a misdemeanour against me, she had strong doubts of my
innocence, therefore she considered me responsible for the bother she
continually had about governesses, and regarded me with increased
disfavour on that account. She had the sense to suspect that there
would not be such endless storms in the schoolroom if the pupil were
not unusually unmanageable and turbulent; and, acting on that
opinion, she made several efforts to induce me to be more tractable,
in order that thereby she might be saved the trouble that my conduct
entailed upon her.
At one time she tried the effect of addressing serious rebukes and
admonitions to me; but I cared not one straw for them. Then she
increased the strictness of my confinement, and ordained that every
disturbance should always be followed by the loss of the next
half-holiday or other pleasure of which I might have a chance; but
still I remained unsubdued. Then a third method of overcoming me
suddenly struck her, and she one day wound up a lengthy scolding by
declaring that her patience was at an end, that she would _not_ stand
the perpetual commotions I caused any longer, and that the very next
time one occurred I should be packed off to some school at once.
Now it was all very well for her to talk big of sending me to school;
but in point of fact I felt pretty sure that she would do nothing of
the kind, because it was very convenient to her to have a governess
in the house on account of her own two daughters, for whom she did
not want to go to the expense of masters, and who often needed
assistance in the various accomplishments she wished them to acquire.
This assistance they were in the habit of receiving from whoever
happened to be in charge of me, though they were too old to be
regularly in the schoolroom, and as my going to school would remove
the ostensible reason for having a governess at Castle Manor, it was
not at all likely that she meant to do what she said.
But though she knew the threat to be an empty one, that did not at
all hinder her from uttering it. Being at her wits' end for something
to hold over me _in terrorem_, it suddenly occurred to her that a
girl who had always lived with her own belongings, as I had done,
would probably dread the notion of being sent away alone amongst
strangers, and that therefore the school project stood a very good
chance of awing me into submission.
Instead of that, however, I evinced such delight at the prospect as
took the wind out of her sails completely. I had not in reality the
slightest objection to school, because it would be a change, and
anything in the shape of a change would be welcome. And of course
my manifestations of delight were all the more exaggerated as I
perceived her annoyance at finding me look forward joyfully to the
thing she hoped I should have feared. Thus she was thoroughly
discomfited; and never again did I hear her say I was to go to
school, though I several times returned to the subject of myself,
asking to know when I was going, saying I hoped it would be soon,
etc. etc. I must say that I greatly enjoyed having triumphed over
her so completely; and I reflected with malicious pleasure on the
vexation and humiliation it must be to her to know that I had
detected the emptiness of her threat, and could henceforth look
down upon her with all the contempt which an utterer of such threats
is sure to inspire.
But though I did what I could to procure a little change and
excitement by making myself disagreeable, and plaguing my stepmother
and teachers, yet the tedium of my life was so great as to be almost
unendurable; and again and again did I consider the expediency of
putting an end to it by running away from home, and trusting to my
own resources for getting a livelihood. I used to meditate seriously
on how the thing was to be done, arranging every detail, foreseeing
and meeting probable obstacles, providing for possible contingencies,
and working the whole scheme out from beginning to end in my own
mind. It seemed to me quite feasible; and as I was not a bit afraid
of failure, or of what might happen to me when cast upon the world by
myself, I should certainly have put my idea into practice if there
had not been one consideration which deterred me and kept me where I
was. This was the thought that I was very nearly seventeen. At that
age I was convinced that girls invariably came out, and therefore
took it for granted that I should do so also. And as the yoke under
which I groaned would be broken before long in the natural course of
events, it seemed better to resign myself for the short space during
which I should still be subject to it, rather than to anticipate the
day of emancipation by so desperate a measure as running away from
home.
But in my calculations as to the time of my being brought out, I
had quite omitted one most important factor, viz. what might be my
stepmother's wishes in regard to that matter. These, as it happened,
were diametrically opposed to mine. She had no fancy to go about with
three young ladies in tow, nor did she feel inclined to risk spoiling
the matrimonial chances of Margaret or Jane by leaving either of them
at home, and taking me out with her instead. Therefore she intended
to keep me back in a state of pupilage as long as possible, and to
endeavour to get one or both of her own daughters married out of the
way before I should make my appearance in society. In consequence of
this private scheme of hers, the attainment of the age of seventeen,
from which I had hoped such great things, produced no amelioration in
my condition. I was astonished and disgusted to find that the days
and weeks dragged heavily on at lessons as before, and brought no
indications of the approach of that liberty to which I had looked
forward confidently. Of course, I was not going to stand this without
complaining, so I remonstrated with Lady Trecastle, declaring that
I was being treated very unfairly, that every girl came out at
seventeen, and that I ought now to be let to share equally with my
step-sisters in whatever invitations for balls, dinners, or other
gaieties might arrive at Castle Manor. My complaints were unheeded,
however, and my grievance remained unredressed. I was not fit to go
into society, she said; I was so untrained, stupid, disagreeable, and
bad-tempered, that she would be ashamed to take me out, and I must
positively remain in the schoolroom till my manners and temper should
be improved. Chafing and fretting under repeated disappointments, I
managed to get through another dreary year of monotony, but when my
eighteenth birthday arrived and found me still a prisoner in the
schoolroom, I resolved not to stand this treatment any longer. It
became evident to me that her ladyship destined me to play the part
of Cinderella. As I had no fancy for that _rôle_, and as I had not a
fairy godmother to come to my assistance, I must take the matter
into my own hands and act fairy godmother for myself. Therefore I
determined to execute the plan which I had already reflected upon
so often, and to run away from home and take my chance of what might
afterwards befall me.