SCENE--_Her Majesty's Theatre._ _Enter_ Mr. _and_ Mrs. BROWN.
_Brown_ (_to_ Boxkeeper, _with the air of a Sovereign conferring an
Order upon a faithful subject_). There's sixpence for a programme.
_Boxkeeper._ Very sorry, Sir, but it isn't a programme; it's a Book of
the Argument, and we have to pay _that_ for it ourselves!
_Brown_ (_resenting the information_). Oh, bother! Then I'll do
without it.
_Mrs. Brown_ (_annoyed_). Why didn't you get a book? You know we'll
never understand it without one.
_Brown._ Nonsense, my dear! It's a distinct advantage to trust to
one's own resources.
[_Curtain goes up, and discovers a number of male characters,
who come on and go off severally._
_Mrs. Brown._ What are they talking about?
_Brown._ Oh, all sorts of things. (_Enter_ Mlle. DARLAUD, as Lydie
Vaillant.) Ah! you see this is the heroine.
_Mrs. Brown._ Is it? (_Examining her through opera-glass._) Very
simple frock. I think I shall have one like it.
_Brown_ (_dreading a dress-maker invasion_). Oh, it wouldn't suit you
at all. You always look better in silks and satins.
[_Entr'acte over._ _Second Act_, Madame PASCA appears, _and is
admirable_.
_Mrs. Brown_ (_deeply interested_). CHARLEY, dear, she's wearing
Russian net, and you know you can get it at----
_Brown_ (_hurriedly_). Hush, you are disturbing everybody.
_Mrs. Brown_ (_at end of Second Act_). What was it all about?
_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see. It was a castle, and a number of tourists
were shown round the pictures by an old servant. Excellent!
_Mrs. Brown._ I do so wish you would get a book.
_Brown._ Oh, we can do without it now--the piece is nearly over.
[_Third Act is played, and Curtain falls._
_Mrs. Brown._ Well, what was _that_ about?
_Brown._ Oh, didn't you see they had breakfast--and with tea too, not
with wine. Very strange how English customs are spreading.
[_Tableau I. of Act III. is played. Considerable applause._
_Mrs. Brown._ I don't quite understand _that_.
_Brown._ You don't! Why, it's as simple as possible. _Paul Astier_
arrived late, and dressed for dinner. Excellent!
_Mrs. Brown._ But what's the plot?
_Brown._ Oh, _that's_ of secondary importance--the piece is a clever
skit upon modern manners! (_Tableau II. is played._) Capital! Wasn't
MADAME PASCA good when she wanted a glass of water?
_Mrs. Brown._ Quite too perfect! And her velvet and satin gown was
absolutely lovely! (_With determination._) I shall get one like it!
_Brown_ (_alarmed_). I am not so sure! You look better in muslins.
[_Last Act is played, and_ Paul Astier _is shot dead_.
_Mrs. Brown_ (_much affected_). Oh! what did they do _that_ for?
_Brown._ Don't you see--the reward of life. Hence the title.
(_Subsequently in the cab._) Wasn't it good? Didn't you enjoy
yourself?
_Mrs. Brown._ Very much indeed, but I _do_ wish you had got a book!
(_To herself._) Let me see--green velvet over white satin. (_Aloud._)
It will take about eighteen yards!
_Brown_ (_waking up_). Eighteen yards of what?
_Mrs. Brown._ Oh, nothing! I was only thinking.
[_Scene closes in upon a mental vision of the dress-maker from
opposite points of view._
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"ALLOWED TO STARVE."--To save time, contributions to the Balaclava
Fund should be forwarded direct to the Editor of _The St. James's
Gazette_.
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