Produced by Al Haines
JONAH AND CO.
BY
DORNFORD YATES
WARD, LOCK & CO., LIMITED
LONDON AND MELBOURNE
LIBRARY EDITIONS OF "JONAH AND CO."
First Published September 1922
Reprinted 2,000 October 1922
Reprinted 2,000 October 1923
Reprinted 2,000 September 1924
Reprinted 2,000 May 1925
Reprinted 3,000 February 1926
Reprinted 12,000 June 1927
Reprinted 8,000 March 1928
Reprinted 5,000 August 1929
Reprinted 10,000 August 1930
Reprinted 10,000 February 1933
Reprinted 8,000 December 1935
Reprinted 8,000 March 1939
Reprinted 5,000 February 1942
Reprinted 9,000 December 1943
BOOK
PRODUCTION
WAR ECONOMY
STANDARD
THE TYPOGRAPHY OF THIS BOOK
CONFORMS TO THE
AUTHORIZED ECONOMY STANDARD.
MADE IN ENGLAND
Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd., Frome and London
To
ELM TREE ROAD
_MY LADY,_
_It is hard, sitting here, to believe that, if I would call for a cab,
I could be in St. James's Street in less than ten minutes of time.
Nevertheless, it is true. I have proved it so many times. Soon I
shall prove it for the last time._
_Better men than I will sit in this study and pace the lawn in the
garden with the high walls. The lilies and laburnums and all the gay
fellowship of flowers will find a new waterman. The thrushes and
blackbirds and wood-pigeons will find a new victualler. The private
forecourt, so richly hung with creeper, will give back my footfalls no
more. Other eyes will dwell gratefully upon the sweet pretty house and
look proudly out of its leaded window-panes._
_The old order changeth, my lady. And so I am going, before I am
driven out._
_Nine years ago there was a farm upon the opposite side of the road--a
little old English farm. Going out of my door of a morning, I used to
meet ducks and geese that were taking the air. And horses came home at
even, and cows lowed. Now the farm is gone, and a garage has taken its
room. And other changes have come, and others still are coming._
_So, you see, my lady, it is high time I was gone._
_This quiet study has seen the making of my books. This--the last it
will see--I make bold to offer to you for many reasons, but mainly
because, for one thing, this house belongs to you and, for another, no
hostess was ever so charming to the stranger within her gates._
_I have the honour to be,_
_Your ladyship's humble servant,
DORNFORD YATES._
_Number Six._
CONTENTS
CHAP.
I HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH
CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST SERVED
II HOW THREE WAGERS WERE MADE, AND ADÈLE
KILLED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE
III HOW A GOLDEN CALF WAS SET UP, AND NOBBY
SHOWED HIMSELF A TRUE PROPHET
IV HOW BERRY MADE AN ENGAGEMENT, JILL A PICTURE,
AND ADÈLE A SLIP OF SOME IMPORTANCE
V HOW LOVE CAME TO JILL, HERBERT TO THE RESCUE,
AND A YOUNG MAN BY HIS RIGHT
VI HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE
DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HIS TROTH
VII HOW DAPHNE LOST HER BEDFELLOW, AND THE LINE
OF LEAST RESISTANCE PROVED IRRESISTIBLE
VIII HOW ADÈLE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PERFUME WHICH
HAD NO SMELL, AND I CUT EULALIE DEAD
IX HOW JONAH TOOK OFF HIS COAT, AND BERRY
FLIRTED WITH FORTUNE FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH
X HOW BERRY SOUGHT COMFORT IN VAIN, AND NOBBY
SLEPT UPON A QUEEN'S BED
XI HOW BERRY PUT OFF HIS MANHOOD, AND ADÈLE
SHOWED A FAIR PAIR OF HEELS
XII HOW A TELEGRAM CAME FOR JILL, PIERS DEMANDED
HIS SWEETHEART, AND I DROVE AFTER MY WIFE
_All the characters in this story are imaginary and have
no reference to any living person._
JONAH AND CO.
CHAPTER I
HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRST
SERVED.
"Shall I massage it?" said Berry. The suggestion was loudly condemned.
"Right," replied my brother-in-law. "That reduces us to faith-healing.
On the command 'One,' make your mind a blank--that shouldn't be
difficult--realise that the agony you aren't suffering is imaginary,
and close both legs. One! On the command 'Two'----"
"You can go," I said wearily. "You can go. I'll write to you when I
want you. Don't bother to leave your address."
"But how vulgar," said Berry. "How very vulgar." He paused to glance
at his watch. "Dear me! Half-past ten, and I haven't had my beer
yet." He stepped to the door. "Should the pain become excruciating,
turn upon the stomach and repeat Kipling's 'If.' Should----"
My sister and Jill fairly bundled him out of the doorway.
Sitting by my side upon the bed, Adèle laid her cheek against mine.
"Is it any better, old chap?"
"The pain's practically stopped," said I, "thank Heaven. Putting it
up's done that. But I'm in for a stiff leg, dear. I know that. Not
that that matters really, but it means I can't drive."
It was unfortunate that, before I had been upon French soil for half an
hour, I should be kicked by a testy cab-horse of whose existence--much
less proximity--thanks to the poor lighting of Boulogne, I had been
totally unaware. I had been kicked upon the same knee in 1916. On
that occasion I had gone with a stiff leg for a fortnight. It seemed
unpleasantly probable that history would wholly repeat itself.
"I can travel," I continued. "I shall be able to walk with a stick,
but I shan't be able to drive. And, as Jonah can't drive more than one
car at a time, Berry'll have to take the other."
At my words Daphne started, and Jill gave a little cry.
"B-but, Boy, he's only had three lessons."
"I know, but he'll get through somehow. I'll sit by his side. It'll
shorten my life, of course, but what else can we do? Even if Fitch was
here, there's no room for a chauffeur. And you'd find towing tedious
after the first five hundred miles."
With a white forefinger to her lips, my sister regarded me.
"I know he's a disgrace," she said slowly, "but he's--he's the only
husband I've got, Boy, and--he has his points," she concluded softly
with the tenderest smile.
I stretched out a hand and drew her towards me.
"Isn't he my only brother, darling? Isn't he--Berry? I'll see he
comes to no harm."
"You really think it's safe?"
"Perfectly. For one thing, I shall be able to reach the hand-brake
rather more easily than he will...."
My sister kissed me.
"I like the sound of that," she said cheerfully.
It was the fifth day of November, and all six of us were for the
Pyrenees.
A month ago Adèle and I, new-wed, had visited Pau. We had found the
place good, conceived the idea of spending the winter there, and wired
for instructions. Within three days we had received four letters.
The first was from Jill.
_ADÈLE DARLING,_
_How sweet of you both to think of it! We're all simply thrilled. Try
and get one with a palm-tree and some wistaria. We miss you awfully.
Tell Boy Nobby is splendid and sends his love. Oh, and he smells his
coat every day. Isn't it pathetic P My hair won't go like yours, but
I'm going to try again. All our love to you and your HUSBAND,_
_JILL._
Then came Jonah's.
_DEAR BOY,_
_What about tobacco? You might examine the chances of smuggling. I'm
sending you a hundred cigarettes conspicuously labelled BENGER'S FOOD,
to see what happens. I suppose the roads are pretty bad. What about
fishing?_
_Yours,
JONAH._
(I subsequently received a curt communication to the effect that there
was a package, addressed to me and purporting to contain "Farine,"
lying at the local custom-house. Adèle was horrified. I endeavoured
to reassure her, tore up the notice, and cursed my cousin savagely.
When three days had passed, and I was still at liberty, Adèle plucked
up heart, but, for the rest of our visit, upon sight of a gendarme she
was apt to become distrait and lose the thread of her discourse.)
A letter from Daphne had arrived the next day.
_DEAREST ADÈLE,_
_We're all delighted with the idea._
_I don't think six months would be too long. I agree that a villa
would be much the best, and we're perfectly content to leave the
selection to you. You know what room we must have. I suppose two
bathrooms would be too much to expect. About servants: we can bring
some, but I think we ought to have a French cook to do the marketing,
and perhaps one other to keep her company and help in the kitchen and
house. Will you see what you can do? Plate and linen, of course, we
can bring. By the way, Madge Willoughby tells me that last year in
France they had some difficulty about coal; so tell Boy to see if he
can order some now. All this, of course, if you can get a villa._
_Your loving sister,
DAPHNE._
Berry's came last.
_DEAR BROTHER,_
_So we shall ourselves winter this year at Pau?_ Eh bien! _There are,
perhaps, worse places. At least, the sun will shine. Ma foi, to think
that upon you depend all the arrangements._ Tant pis! _My suite must
face itself south and adjoin the bathroom. Otherwise I cannot answer
for my health, or, for the matter of that, yours either._
_Kindly omit from your next letter any reference to the mountains.
"Impressions of the Pyrenees" by a fool who has been married for less
than three weeks not only are valueless, but make my gorge rise--_une
élévation très dangereuse.
_Which brings me to your wife. How is the shrew? Tell her I have some
socks for her to darn on her return._
_It was thoughtful of you to emphasise the fact that the season of
green figs, to a surfeit of which I sincerely hope you will succumb,
will be over before I reach Pau. I am inclined to think that the five
hundred cigars George sent you will be over even earlier. Besides, I
shall at once console and distend myself with_ foie gras.
_We must have a French cook, of course--a very priestess of
Gluttony--skilful to lure the timid appetite from the fastness of
satiety._ Enfin....
_I ask myself why I shall have made the trouble to write to you. You
have, of course, an opportunity unique of making a mess with a copper
bottom of my life for six months._ Mais, mon Dieu, que vous serez puni!
Je t'embrasse, vieil haricot, sur les deux joues.
_BERRY_
_P.S.--This here letter is a talisman, and should be worn upon the
exterior of the abdominal wall during a drought._
Considering the nature of our holiday, Adèle and I did not do so badly.
Before we left Pau, I had signed the lease of an attractive villa,
standing well in its own grounds and commanding a prospect of the
mountains as fine as could be. Adèle had engaged a Frenchwoman and her
daughter, both of whom were well spoken of, and had been in the service
of English and American families before the War. A supply of fuel had
been reserved and various minor arrangements had been concluded. Ere
we were back at White Ladies, October was old.
It had been Jonah's belated suggestion that our migration should be
accomplished by car. It was Jonah's enterprise that reduced the
upheaval of our plans, consequent upon the instant adoption of his
idea, to order and convenience. By the third of November everything
had been arranged. The heavier stuff had been embarked for Bordeaux;
the servants were ready to accompany the rest of the luggage by way of
Paris; the Rolls had been sold. In the latter's place we had purchased
two smaller cars--both new, both of the same make, both coupés, both
painted blue. Indeed, but for their numbers, which were consecutive,
we could not have told them apart. Each seated three
inside--comfortably, while a respectable quantity of baggage could be
easily bestowed in each of the capacious boots.
Certainly my cousin's staff work had been superb.
In the circumstances it seemed hardly fair that upon this, the first
night of our venture, he should be faced with the labour of shepherding
both cars, single-handed, first clear of the Customs, and then, one by
one, through the cold, dark streets which led from the quay to the
garage of the hotel.
As if she had read my thought--
"Poor Jonah!" said Adèle suddenly. "I wonder----"
A knock upon the door interrupted her.
This, being opened, admitted Nobby, two porters, our luggage, two
waiters, a large dish of sandwiches, some beer, coffee and its
accessories, Jonah, and finally Berry.
"You must be tired," said the latter. "Let's sit down, shall I?" He
sank into a chair. "And how's the comic _patella_? I well remember,
when I was in Plumbago, a somewhat similar accident. A large
cherry-coloured _gibus_, on its wrong side----"
"At the present moment," said I, wrestling with the Sealyham's
advances, "we're more concerned with your future than with your past.
It's the Bank of England to a ha'p'orth of figs that to-morrow morning
I shall have a stiff leg. Very good." I paused. "Those three lessons
you've had," I added carelessly, "will come in useful."
Jonah, who was filling a tumbler, started violently and spilled some
beer. Then he leaned against the wall and began to laugh helplessly.
Coldly Berry regarded him.
"I fail," he said stiffly, "to see the point of your mirth. I gather
that it is proposed to enjoy my services for the propulsion of one of
the automobiles--that, while you will be responsible for the 'shoving'
of Ping, these delicate hands will flick Pong across France. Very
good. Let the Press be informed; call forth the ballad-mongers. What
would have been a somewhat sordid drive will become a winged flight,
sublime and deathless."
"I trust so," said Jonah. "Six hundred miles with a fool at the wheel
is a tall order, but, if your companions survive the first two days,
they ought to pull through. Try not to do more than five pounds' worth
of damage to the gallon, won't you?"
"Sour grapes," said Berry. "The professional reviles the distinguished
amateur."
"Seriously," said I, "it's no laughing matter."
"I agree," said Daphne. "You'll have to just crawl along all the way.
After all, we've got six months to get there in. Promise me you won't
try and pass anything."
"I promise," replied her husband. "Should another vehicle approach,
I'll stop the engine and go and hide in a wood till it's gone."
"Fool," said his wife. "I meant 'overtake anything' of course. You
know I did. Promise you won't try and rush past things just to get in
front of them."
I took up the cudgels.
"We've got to get along, darling, and he can't give a promise like
that. You wouldn't want to do fifty miles behind a traction-engine,
would you? Remember, I shall be by his side. He may be holding the
wheel, but I shall be driving the car. Make him promise to obey me
implicitly, if you like."
"That's right," said Jill. "You will, won't you, Berry?"
The latter looked at Adèle.
"Do you also subscribe to my humiliation?" he said.
Adèle smiled and nodded.
"Unquestionably," she said. "By the time you get to Pau, you'll be an
expert. And then you can teach me."
"The pill-gilder," said my brother-in-law. "Well, well. So far as in
me lies, I'll do as I'm told. But I insist upon plain English. I'm
not going to be suddenly yelled at to 'double-clutch,' or 'feel the
brake,' or 'close the throttle,' or something. It makes me want to
burst into tears. That fellow who was teaching me asked me, without
any warning and in the middle of some sheep, what I should do if one of
my 'big ends were to run out.' I said I should consult a specialist,
but the question upset me. Indirectly, it also upset the shepherd....
Which reminds me, I never knew a human being could jump so far. The
moment he felt the radiator...."
"You never told us this," said Daphne reproachfully. "If I'd known
you'd knocked somebody down----"
"I never knocked him down," said Berry. "I tell you he jumped.... We
stopped, of course, and explained. He was a little nettled at first,
but we parted on the best of terms."
"It's all very well," said my sister, "but I'd no idea----"
"Every dog must have his bite," said I, laughing. "He won't do it
again. And now, since I'm tethered, will somebody give me some beer?"
Then and there supper was consumed.
A vigorous discussion of the turn events had taken, and the advancement
and scrutiny of a variety of high speculations regarding the probable
style of our progress to Pau, prevailed until past twelve o'clock, but
at length the others were evicted, and Adèle, Nobby, and I were able to
prepare for the night.
Out of the luxurious silence of a hot bath Adèle's voice came floating
into the bedroom.
"Boy!"
"Yes, lady?"
"I wish I was going with you to-morrow instead of Daphne."
"So do I," I said heartily.
Adèle sighed. Then--
"It can't be helped," she said. "I think, on the whole, she would have
worried more than I shall."
"Not a doubt of it," said I cheerfully. "As she said, Berry's the only
husband she's got."
Adèle choked. Presently--
"The real reason," she said, "is because she mistrusts her husband even
more than I trust mine."
When I had worked this out--
"Aha," I said pleasedly.
"But then, of course," said Adèle, "she's been married much longer."
* * * * *
With Rouen as our objective, we left Boulogne the next morning at ten
o'clock. To speak more accurately, we left the hotel at ten o'clock
and Boulogne itself some forty minutes later. The negotiation of an
up-gradient leading out of the town was responsible for the delay.
My sister and I shall remember that hill so long as we live. So, I
imagine, will Berry. We were half-way up when he stopped the engine
for the first time. We were still half-way up when he stopped it for
the eighth time. Indeed, it was at this juncture that I suggested that
he should rest from his labours and smoke a cigarette.
My brother-in-law shook his head.
"Shall I slide down backwards and begin again?" he inquired.
"No, thanks," said I. "I have a foolish preference for facing death."
"D'you think we could push it up?" said Daphne.
"Frankly," said I, "I don't. You see, she weighs over a ton without
the luggage."
Berry cleared his throat.
"I am not," he said, "going through the farce of asking what I do
wrong, because I know the answer. It's not the right one, but you seem
incapable of giving any other."
"I am," said I.
"Well, don't say it," said Berry, "because, if you do, I shall scream.
No man born of woman could let in that clutch more slowly, and yet you
say it's too fast. The truth is, there's something wrong with the car."
"There soon will be," I retorted. "The starter will fail. Then every
time you stop the engine you'll have to get out and crank. That'll
make you think."
"'Make me think'?" yelled Berry. "D'you think I haven't been thinking?
D'you think I'm not thinking now? Haven't I almost burst my brains
with thinking?" Daphne began to laugh helplessly. "That's right,"
added her husband savagely. "See the humorous side. I may go mad any
minute, but don't let that stop you." And, with that, he set his foot
upon the self-starter.
When he had stopped the engine another three times, he applied the
hand-brake with unnecessary violence, sank back in his seat, and folded
his hands.
My sister and I clung to one another in an agony of stifled mirth.
Berry closed his eyes.
"My work," he said quietly, "is over. I now see that it is ordained
that we shall not leave this spot. There's probably an angel in the
way with a drawn sword, and the car sees it, although we can't. Any
way, I'm not going to fight against Fate. And now don't speak to me.
I'm going to dwell on bullock-carts and goat-chaises and other
horse-drawn vehicles. I shan't last many minutes, and I should like to
die in peace."
With a swift rush, Ping drew up alongside. From its interior Adèle,
Jill, Nobby and Jonah peered at us excitedly.
"Hullo!" said the latter. "What's up?"
"Go away," said Berry. "Drive on to your doom. An apparition has
appeared to us, warning us not to proceed. It was quite definite about
it. Good-bye."
"Jonah, old chap," said I, "I'm afraid you're for it. Unless you take
us up, we shall be here till nightfall."
With a groan my cousin opened his door and descended into the road....
One minute later we were at the top of the hill.
"And now," said Daphne, with the _Michelin Guide_ open upon her knees,
"now for Montreuil."
When five minutes had passed and my brother-in-law was breathing
through his nose less audibly, I lighted a cigarette and ventured to
look about me.
It was certainly a fine highway that we were using. Broad, direct,
smooth beyond all expectation, it lay like a clean-cut sash upon the
countryside, rippling away into the distance as though it were indeed
that long, long lane that hath no turning. Presently a curve would
come to save the face of the proverb, but the bends were few in number,
and, as a general rule, did little more than switch the road a point or
two to east or west, as, the mood took them. There was little traffic,
and the surface was dry.
Something had been said about the two cars keeping together, but I was
not surprised when Jonah passed us like a whirlwind before we were
half-way to Samer. He explained afterwards that he had stuck it as
long as he could, but that to hold a car down to twenty on a road like
a private racing-track was worse than "pulling."
Fired by Jonah's example, Berry laid hold of the wheel, and we took the
next hill at twenty-five.
It was a brilliant day, but the cold was intense, and I think we were
all glad that Pong was a closeable car. That Winter's reign had begun
was most apparent. There was a bleak look upon the country's face:
birch-rods that had been poplars made us gaunt avenues: here and there
the cold jewellery of frost was sparkling. I fell to wondering how far
south we must go to find it warmer.
Presently we came to Montreuil.
As we entered the little town--
"This," said I, "was the headquarters of the British Expeditionary
Force. From behind these walls----"
"Don't talk," said Daphne, "or I shall make a mistake. Round to the
left here. Wait a minute. No, that's right. And straight on. What a
blessing this _Michelin Guide_ is! Not too fast, Berry. Straight on.
This ought to be _Grande Rue_." She peered out of the window. "Yes,
that's right. Now, in a minute you turn to the left...."
After all, I reflected, we had to get to Rouen, and it was past mid-day.
We had sworn not to lunch before we had passed Abbeville, so, since we
had breakfasted betimes, I furtively encouraged my brother-in-law to
"put her along." His response was to overtake and pass a lorry upon
the wrong side, drive an unsuspecting bicyclist into a ditch and
swerve, like a drunken sea-gull, to avoid a dead fowl. As we were
going over forty it was all over before we knew where we were, but the
impression of impending death was vivid and lasting, and nearly a
minute had elapsed before I could trust my voice.
"Are we still alive?" breathed Daphne. "I'm afraid to open my eyes."
"I think we must be," said I. "At least, I'm still thirsty, if that's
anything to go by."
"I consider," said Berry, "that the way in which I extricated us from
that _impasse_ was little short of masterly. That cyclist ought to
remember me in his prayers."
"I don't want to discourage you," I said grimly, "but I shouldn't bank
on it."
The plan of Abbeville, printed in the Guide, was as simple to read as
were my sister's directions to follow. At a critical moment, however,
Berry felt unable to turn to the right.
"The trouble is," he explained, as we plunged into a maze of back
streets, "I've only got two hands and feet. To have got round that
corner, I should have had to take out the clutch, go into third,
release the brake, put out a hand, accelerate, sound the clarion and
put the wheel over simultaneously. Now, with seven limbs I could have
done it. With eight, I could also have scratched myself--an operation,
I may say, which can be no longer postponed." He drew up before a
_charcuterie_ and mopped his face. "What a beautiful bunch of
sausages!" he added. "Shall we get some? Or d'you think they'd be
dead before we get to Rouen?"
In contemptuous silence Daphne lowered her window, accosted the first
passer-by, and asked the way. An admission that it was possible to
reach the Neufchatel road without actually retracing our steps was at
length extracted, and, after a prolonged study of the plan, my sister
gave the word to proceed. Save that we twice mounted the pavement,
grazed a waggon, and literally brushed an urchin out of the way, our
emergence from Abbeville was accomplished without further incident.
With the knowledge that, barring accidents, we ought to reach Rouen by
half-past five, we ventured to devour a wayside lunch some ten minutes
later.
It was after Neufchatel that the surface of the great grey road argued
neglect in no uncertain terms. For mile after mile, fat bulls of
Basan, in the shape of gigantic pot-holes, gaped threateningly upon us.
Berry, who was driving much better, did all that he could, but only a
trick-cyclist could have picked his way between them. The car
hiccoughed along piteously....
With the approach of darkness, driving became a burden, being driven a
weariness of the flesh, and we were all thankful when we slid down a
paved hill into the Cathedral City and, presently, past the great
church and on to the very bank of the River Seine.
The others had been awaiting us for nearly two hours.
* * * * *
"With this sun," said Adèle, "they ought to be glorious."
Impiously I reflected that Berry was almost certainly enjoying his
breakfast in bed.
"I expect they will," I said abstractedly.
Adèle slid an arm through mine.
"It's very sweet of you to come with me, Boy."
I stood still and looked at her.
"You're a wonderful child," I said. "When you speak like that, I want
to kick myself and burst into song simultaneously. I suppose that's
Love."
"I expect so," said Adèle mischievously.
Five minutes later we were standing beneath the shadow of Chartres
Cathedral.
We had come, my wife and I, to see the windows. The day before had
been dull, and what light there was had been failing when we had
visited the shrine. To-day, however, was all glorious.
If we had risen early, we had our reward.
The place had become a gallery with jewels for pictures. Out of the
sombre depths the aged webs of magic glowed with the matchless flush of
precious stones. From every side colours we had not dreamed of
enriched our eyes. To make the great west rose, the world herself
might have been spoiled of her gems. Looking upon this mystery, no man
can wonder that the art is lost. Clearly it went the way of Babel.
For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. Windows the sun was lighting
were at once more real and more magnificent. Crimsons and blues,
purples and greens, yellows and violets, blazed with that ancient
majesty which only lives to-day in the peal of a great organ, the call
of a silver trumpet, or the proud roll of drums. Out of the gorgeous
pageant mote-ridden rays issued like messengers, to badge the cold grey
stone with tender images and set a smile upon the face of stateliness.
"Such old, old panes," says someone. "Six hundred years and more. How
wonderful!" Pardon me, but I have seen them, and it is not wonderful
at all. Beneath their spell, centuries shrink to afternoons. The
windows of Chartres are above Time. They are the peepholes of
Immortality.
We returned to the hotel in time to contribute to a heated argument
upon the subject of tipping.
"It's perfectly simple," said Berry. "You think of what you would hate
to have given before the War, double it, add forty per cent. for the
increased cost of living, halve it because of the Exchange, ask them
whether they'd like it in notes or gold, and pay them in
postage-stamps."
"I want to know," said Daphne, "what to give the chambermaid."
"Eight francs fifty. That's the equivalent of half-a-crown before the
War."
"Nonsense," said his wife. "Five francs is heaps, and you know it."
"I think it's too much," said Berry. "Give her one instead, and tell
her you've hidden the rest in the bathroom and that, when she touches
the towel-rail, she's warm."
"As a matter of fact," said Jill uneasily, "it's all over. I've done
it."
There was a dreadful silence. Then--
"Tell us the worst," said I, "and get it over."
"I'm--I'm afraid I gave her rather a lot, but she had a nice face."
"She had a nice step," said Berry. "I noticed that about five this
morning."
"How much?" said I relentlessly.
Jill looked round guiltily.
"I gave her fifty," she said.
There was a shriek of laughter.
"Did she faint?" said Berry. "Or try to eat grass, or anything?"
Gravely Jill shook her head.
"She talked a great deal--very fast. I couldn't follow her. And then
she turned away and began to cry. I was so glad I'd done it."
"So are we all," said Daphne.
She was supported heartily.
Jonah looked at his watch.
"I suggest," he said, "that we start at eleven, then we shall fetch up
in time to see the cathedral."
"How far is Tours?" said Daphne.
"Eighty-six miles."
"Let's keep together to-day," said Jill. "It's much more fun."
Her brother shook his head.
"I don't want," he said, "to be arrested for loitering."
"Don't you worry," said Berry. "We wouldn't be seen with you."
Jonah sighed.
"Where there's a will there's a way," he murmured.
"More," said Berry. "We regard you rather less than the dust beneath
our detachable wheels. You pollute the road with your hoghood. I
suppose it's no use asking you to keep behind us."
"None whatever," replied our cousin. "Why should we?"
"Well," said Berry, "supposing a tire discovers that I'm driving and
bursts with pride, who's going to change the wheel?"
Jonah stifled a yawn.
"You can't have it both ways," he said. "If we're to warn people not
to shoot at you, we must be in front."
Berry regarded his finger-nails.
"Perhaps you're right," he said. "Think of me when you get your third
puncture, won't you? And remember that my heart goes out to you in
your tire trouble and that you have all my love. Then you won't sweat
so much."
Half an hour later Pong stormed out of the garage and into the _Place
des Epars_.
Adèle's wish had been granted, and she was travelling with Berry and me
instead of with Jonah.
For this new order of battle Nobby was solely responsible. Upon the
first day's journey the terrier had whined all the way to Rouen because
he had wanted to be with me. As one of his audience, Jonah had been
offensively outspoken regarding this predilection. Upon the following
day the dog's desire had been gratified, whereupon he had whined all
the way to Chartres because he was apart from Adèle. Commenting upon
this unsuspected devotion, Berry had been quite as outspoken as Jonah,
and much more offensive. Naturally, to withstand such importunity was
out of the question, and, since it was impossible for me to leave
Berry, the line of least resistance was followed, and Daphne and Adèle
changed places.
Our way out of Chartres was short and simple, and, with the exception
of temporarily obstructing two trams by the artless expedient of
remaining motionless upon the permanent way, Pong emerged from the city
without a stain upon his character.
The Vendôme road looked promising and proved excellent. Very soon we
were flying. For all that, Jonah overtook us as we were nearing
Bonneval....
It was some thirty minutes later, as we were leaving Châteaudun, that a
sour-faced _gendarme_ with a blue nose motioned to us to stop.
Standing upon the near pavement, the fellow was at once conversing with
a postman and looking malevolently in our direction. I think we all
scented mischief.
"What can he want?" growled Berry, as he brought the car to a
standstill.
"He's probably being officious," said I, getting our papers ready.
"We're strangers, and he's in a bad humour. Consequently, he's going
to scrutinise our _triptyque_, passports, passes and certificates, to
see if he can accuse us of anything. Happily they're all in order, so
he'll be disappointed. When he's thoroughly satisfied that he can
bring no charge against us, he'll order us to proceed."
"He's taking his time about it," observed my brother-in-law.
I looked up from the documents.
My gentleman was still talking to the postman, while his pig's eyes
were still surveying the car. From his companion's demeanour, he
seemed to be whetting his wit at our expense.
"This is intolerable," said I. "Ask him what he wants, lady."
Adèle leaned forward and put her head out of the window.
"I think you wished us to stop, _Monsieur_?"
The _gendarme_ waved his hand.
"Wait," he said insolently.
The postman sniggered shamefacedly.
Adèle sank back in her seat, her cheeks flaming.
In a voice trembling with passion I conjured Berry to proceed.
The moment the car moved, the official sprang forward, gesticulating
furiously.
As we passed him, I put out my head.
"Now it's our turn," I said warmly, "to make the postman laugh."
From the hoarse yells which followed us, it was clear that we had left
the fellow beside himself with rage. Looking back through the little
window, I could see him dancing. Suddenly he stopped, peered after us,
and then swung about and ran ridiculously up the street.
"Blast him, he's going to telephone!" said I. "Where's the map?"
Together Adèle and I pored over the sections.
"If," said Berry, "you're going to direct me to turn off, for Heaven's
sake be quick about it. At the present moment I'm just blinding along
into the blue and, for all I know, an oversized hornets' nest. Of
course they mayn't sting when there's an 'r' in the month, but then
they mightn't know that. Or am I thinking of oysters?"
"They'll stop us at Vendôme," said I. "Not before. Right oh! We must
turn to the right at Cloyes and make for St. Calais. We can get round
to Tours that way. It'll take us about twenty miles out of our way,
but----"
"Yes, and when we don't show up at Vendôme, they'll wire to Calais.
Seriously, as Shakespeare says, I'm all of a doo-dah."
That we should be stopped at St. Calais was not likely, and I said as
much. What did worry me, because it was far more probable, was that
when they drew blank at Vendôme, the authorities would telephone to
Tours. Any apprehension, however, regarding our reception at that city
was soon mercifully, unmercifully, and somewhat paradoxically
overshadowed by a more instant anxiety lest we should never arrive
there at all. From the moment we left the main road, the obstacles in
the shape of uncharted roads and villages, pavements, cattle, goats, a
horse fair, and finally a series of appalling gradients, opposed our
passage. All things considered, my brother-in-law drove admirably.
But it was a bad business, and, while my wife and Berry were very
staunch, I think we all regretted that I had been so high with Blue
Nose.
Night had fallen ere we slunk into Tours.
Fully expecting to find that the others had well-nigh given us up, we
were astounded to learn at the hotel that Ping had not yet arrived.
Indeed, we had finished dinner, and were debating seriously whether we
should take a hired car and go to seek them, when there was a flurry of
steps in the corridor, Nobby rushed to the door, and the next moment
Daphne and Jill burst into the room.
"My darling," said Berry, advancing, "where on earth have you been?"
My sister put her arms about his neck and looked into his eyes.
"Kiss me 'Good-bye,'" she said. "Jonah's just coming."
Her husband stared at her. Then--
"Is it as bad as all that?" he said. "Dear, dear. And how did he get
the booze?"
Somebody cleared his throat.
I swung round, to see Jonah regarding us.
"You three beauties," he said. "Four with Nobby."
"But what do you mean?" said Adèle. "What have we done?"
"Done?" cried Jonah. "Done? Where d'you think we've been?"
"It can't have been goats that stopped you," said Berry, "because I had
all the goats. There was a great rally of goats at St. Calais this
afternoon. It was a wonderful smell--I mean sight."
"Guess again," said Jonah grimly.
"You haven't been waiting for us on the road?" said I.
"You're getting warmer," was the reply.
Adèle gave a sudden cry.
"O-o-oh, Jonah," she gasped, "you've been at Vendôme!"
I started violently, and Berry, who was about to speak, choked.
"That's right," said Jonah shortly. "Nice little place--what I saw of
it.... Lovely view from the police-station." He leaned against the
mantelpiece and lighted a cigarette. "It may amuse you to know," he
added, "that the expiation of your crime took us six and a half hours
and cost five hundred francs."
In response to our thirsty enquiries, the tale came bubbling.
My surmise that the blue-nosed _gendarme_ would telephone to Vendôme
had been well-founded. He had forwarded an exact description of Pong,
together with the letters and the first three figures of the four
appearing upon the number-plate. Six minutes later Ping had sailed
innocently into Vendôme--and up to her doom....
The Vendôme police could hardly believe their eyes. Here was the
offending car, corresponding in every particular to the one described
to them, admittedly fresh from Châteaudun, yet having covered the
thirty-nine kilometres in eleven minutes. It was amazing ... almost
incredible ... almost.... Of outlaws, however, all things were
credible--even a speed of one hundred and thirty-six miles an hour.
For it was without doubt that outlaw which had flouted Authority at
Châteaudun. Oh, indubitably. And, having thus flouted Authority, what
was more natural than that it should endeavour to outstrip the
consequences of its deed? But, _mon Dieu_, what wickedness!
In vain had Jonah protested and Daphne declared their innocence. The
telephone was again requisitioned, and the blue-nosed _gendarme_
summoned and cross-examined. As luck would have it, he could not speak
to the passengers, beyond affirming that they included one man and one
woman.... When he gratuitously added that the reason why he could not
swear to the whole of the number was because of the terrible pace at
which the car was moving, the game was up....
Finding that the accusation of travelling at a horrifying speed was
assuming a serious look, my sister and cousins at length decided that
they had no alternative but to give us away. They had, of course,
realised that Pong was implicated from the beginning. Consequently,
with the flourish of one who has hit upon the solution of a problem,
they divulged our existence. They were politely, but wholly
disbelieved. In reply, they had politely, but confidently, invited the
police to wait and see....
For over four hours they had anxiously awaited the arrival of Pong.
When at last the humiliating truth began to dawn upon them, and it
became evident that we had ruled Vendôme out of our itinerary, the
shock of realising, not only that they were to be denied an opportunity
of refuting the charges preferred, but that they were destined to leave
the town branded as three of the biggest and most unsuccessful liars
ever encountered, had well-nigh reduced Daphne and Jill to tears. And
when, upon the sickly resumption of negotiations, it appeared highly
probable that they would not be permitted to proceed, Jill had wept
openly....
France is nothing if not emotional.
Visibly affected by her distress, the police had immediately become
less hostile. Observing this, Daphne had discreetly followed her
cousin's example. Before the sledge-hammer blows of their lamentation
two gendarmes began to sniff and a third broke down. The girls
redoubled their sobs. They were practically there.
"You never saw anything like it," concluded Jonah. "Within three
minutes four of the police were crying, and the head bottle-washer was
beating his breast and imploring me in broken accents to explain away
my guilt. I threw five hundred francs on his desk and covered my eyes.
With tears rolling down his cheeks, he pushed the notes under a
blotting-pad and wrote laboriously upon a buff sheet. Then a woman was
produced. Between explosions of distress she made us some tea. In
common decency we couldn't push off for a while. Besides, I wasn't
quite sure that it was all over. However, everybody seemed too
overcome to say anything, so, after a bit, we chanced it and made a
move for the car. To my relief, they actually helped us in, and two of
them fought as to who should start us up." He looked round coldly.
"And now, perhaps, you'll be good enough to tell us what we've been
punished for."
I told what there was to tell.
As I came to the end. Berry nodded at Jonah.
"Yes," he said unctuously, "and let this be a lesson to you, brother."
Speechless with indignation, our cousin regarded him.
At length--
"What d'you mean?" he demanded.
Berry raised his eyebrows.
"I hardly think," he said, "the penalty for--er--loitering would have
been so vindictive."