A GIRL'S EARLY DAYS
By early days I mean the years between sixteen and twenty-one or
thereabouts, and I am sure there ought to be a chapter in this book on
this subject, though I am not at all sure that I can write it. I only
make the attempt because I have been urged to try, and because a book
that did not recognize how distressing the "emotional muddles" of this
period often are, would be a very unsympathetic production.
Most men very quickly become clearly conscious of desires springing
from their sexual natures, but most girls only do so very slowly. What
a girl is conscious of at this period is a new stress of emotion. She
finds herself easily elated and easily depressed. She has moods she
cannot understand or manage, and vague yearnings after she knows not
what. Sometimes she will give way to outbreaks of temper, and
afterwards feel acutely ashamed. Other people say of her that she is
"difficult" or wayward, or trying; and she knows it herself better than
any of them. Sometimes she is irritable. Sometimes she will hear
herself saying things she never meant to say, and will wonder
afterwards why she did it. In society she often feels shy, awkward, and
self-conscious, and then will hate herself for being like
that. She may try an assumed boldness of manner to hide her shyness,
and yet that plan is not a great success. She has longings for the
society of others, and then having found social intercourse difficult,
is tempted to withdraw into herself. She is very easily wounded in her
affections, and often suffers from the effect of little slights of
which the authors are quite unconscious. On some days she will feel
that the world is a wonderful and splendid place, and life a glorious
delight. And then on others life will seem mysterious and puzzling, and
the world cruel and hard. She understands with painful clearness what
Robert Louis Stevenson meant when he talked about "the coiled
perplexities of youth."
It is during these years that girls wake up to the attraction of men,
and yet they find that relations with men are difficult things to
manage. The conventions of society often seem quite senseless, and yet
the policy of defying them does not turn out well. And so, as I have
said, this is a difficult period for many girls.
It is true that many get through it very happily. They may have good
health, happy homes, plenty of good friends, and many interests. For
them it is a time of adventure, romance, and vivid joy. They correspond
to the common conception of the fresh, happy, charming girl. But many
others do not get through happily at all, and it is because their case
is common that this chapter is called for.
I have already said as strongly as I can that it is of enormous
importance for girls to know the facts of life, and to get to know them
from some clean and natural source. By the beginning of this period
they ought to have been told about the wonderful and beautiful ways in
which God has ordained that new human lives should be produced, and
therefore they ought to be in a position to understand themselves. And
if girls are not possessed of this knowledge I can only say that the
sooner they take steps to acquire it in a wholesome way the better
for themselves. Only take care to whom you turn. Let it be a woman of a
reverent and wise mind with a large and wholesome nature. There are
others.
Those who do come to understand themselves in this way will realize
that the cause of their emotional complications is partly physical and
partly psychological. Both body and mind are awakening, with
the inevitable result that new instincts, emotions, and desires have to
be reckoned with. That is a universal experience for all of both sexes,
and is just the price of entering on a larger world. Life _is_
much more complex and mysterious than we at first imagined. It may be
much more varied and splendid than we at first supposed. And therefore
inevitably it is also more difficult and more confusing. But it does
really help us to realize that our early complex troubles have a
natural and normal cause and that they are related to great possible
gains.
At this point in life, further, the instinct for independence becomes
often exceedingly strong. All the conventions of society and the
received rules for conduct are apt to appear mere tyrannous annoyances,
cramping the free expression of personality. Society itself seems
rather like a monster threatening to absorb and confine us. To be
compelled to consider others, and even to bow to authority, is to many
very bitter. "I will at all costs be myself" is the natural cry of a
human being at this stage, and because the world makes it difficult to
carry out that resolve life has a strain in it. Yet here also there is
something good. If each generation in turn did not thus demand freedom
and self-expression the world would drift into senile decay. We cannot
be independent of society. We cannot have an untrammeled freedom. And
we all learn that sooner or later. But because the urge towards newness
of life does reappear with every generation we do move on, though
slowly. And if the price of this pulse of life in adolescents is
restlessness, irritation, and even occasional depression the gain is
worth the price.
For girls the process is often specially difficult. The task that
confronts a girl at this stage is the task of accepting herself "as a
woman." I know it is not an easy task or so many girls would not be
heard saying that they would rather have been boys. No doubt one reason
why girls feel this is that often their parents, and especially their
mothers, have shown a preference for the boys in the family and have
accorded to them a favored position. The psychologists report that an
"inferiority complex" has thus been formed in many a girl's mind.
And thus a very real wrong is done to them.
And yet this is not the whole explanation of the matter. In many girls
there is a rebellion against their sex. Many hate the physical signs of
their developing natures. It seems to them they are being called to a
part in life which they have no wish to play. And if particular
emotional stresses accompany that development, that may seem to them
only one further reason for being annoyed at the nature of things.
I am sure too that the conventional notions of what a woman should be
must often prove very annoying, if not enraging. Many men still cherish
the idea of woman as a sort of household ornament--gentle and "sweet".
Many have not accommodated themselves to the notion that a woman should
know the blunt facts about this hard life and this disordered world.
Society often seems to expect of a woman that she should be submissive,
patient, and merely gentle. And of course nature has ordained that many
women should be strong, stimulating, and militant in spirit. Of a
really great woman it was said to me the other day that she is really
more like a flame than a "cow". But the "cow" idea holds the field in
many places. Well! happy those who have a sense of humor and can laugh
when society is very foolish.
I dare not enter farther on a discussion of what it means for a girl to
accept herself "as a woman". In that matter men seem always to flounder
into folly. Even women are not yet agreed about it. Perhaps it is one
of the things that is only gradually being discovered at this
particular stage of human experience. I am indeed sure that we do not
yet know all that women are meant to be and are capable of doing for
the world. And that being so I can see that the difficulties which lie
about the path of life for women to-day are peculiarly trying. It may
be a real privilege to be a woman during this particular period of
discovery and experiment. But it cannot but be also rather a strain.
The one thing that I can with certainty say is that a woman is called
to be like Christ--like Him in His meekness which was the outcome of
perfect selflessness and self-mastery--in His gentleness which was the
product of sensitive love--but like Him also in His strength, His
boldness, His resolute refusal to bend before evil, His positive
activities in the name of love.
One particular feature in a woman's impulse towards independence I
cannot pass by without a special word. The very suggestion annoys some
women that they are not complete in themselves without any relation to
the other sex. Being without any conscious desire for the companionship
of man, and without any definite sex consciousness, they resent the
idea that woman is not complete in herself. To those who insist that
the sexes vitally need each other such women would reply that they are
altogether exaggerating and over-emphasizing the sex element in life.
Well, about the fact that man is not complete without woman I have no
doubt whatever. And I have no reluctance whatever about admitting it.
Perhaps that fact gives me no right to dogmatize about the other sex,
but a considerable experience has left me in no doubt about the matter.
I do not mean for a moment that a great and useful career is not
possible to women quite apart from marriage. I do not forget that many
women have great powers of intellect in the exercise of which they are
living in a world apart from sex difference. But I believe it to be a
serious mistake for either man or woman to imagine that they have no
clamant sex instinct hidden within the depths of their personalities.
And if the instinct is there it can only be folly to try to obscure the
fact. It has to be reckoned with if life is to succeed. In many women
it only awakens after early youth is past. The exceptions in whom it
never awakens must be very few indeed. If the attempt has been made to
ignore it the subsequent troubles are apt to be only the more intense.
In this matter we are confronted with an unalterable decree of nature.
To rebel against it is only to be broken in the long run. In various
and great ways the instinct may be turned to splendid uses other than
the usual ones of marriage and motherhood. But the instinct is there,
and if wisdom means understanding ourselves and handling ourselves
bravely, then it _must_ be reckoned with. To quarrel with the nature of
things is mere folly.
Another special feature of the period in a girl's life I am thinking of
is a tendency to intense and passionate affections for other women--a
tendency to idealize some other woman till she seems the center of life
and adorable beyond words. A very real danger lurks here, and yet I
would like to speak with great care about the matter, because a true
friendship is always one of the finest and most enriching things in
life, while a _grande passion_ for another member of one's own sex is a
different thing with an undesirable element in it.
In girls about thirteen or thereabouts _grandes passions_ for other
girls or for school-mistresses are very common, and so far from being
harmful they may serve a very useful purpose. They generally pass
away pretty quickly, and unless the older woman has been unwise they
leave no bad effects behind them.
But among older girls they are a very different thing and often lead to
serious trouble and unhappiness. What has happened in such cases is
that an instinct which is designed to produce love for one of the
opposite sex has been perverted to add an element of passion to what
should have been merely a healthy friendship for another woman. And the
result is an unhealthy type of relationship. It is unhealthy because,
to begin with, in this way girls let themselves go and allow their
emotions to run away with them; and that just at a time when it is
most important that they should have themselves in firm control. And
further, when members of the same sex employ lovers' language, and
indulge in the imitation of lovers' endearments, there is something
sickly about the whole business which healthy instinct condemns. I do
not mean, of course, that when girls link arms or even embrace each
other in moments of excitement there is anything mistaken. To some
people such expressions of emotion are as natural as breathing. But
_grandes passions_ lead to much more than that sort of thing, and so
become a serious evil.
It is in connection with this problem that psychologists have brought
into use the rather ugly word "homosexuality", though it means nothing
more dreadful than this tendency to put a member of one's own sex into
the place that should be occupied by a member of the other sex. But I
find a certain amount of talk going on which assumes that some people
are of the homosexual type, and that it is natural and right for them
to express themselves in this way. As a matter of fact homosexuality
_is always a sexual perversion_ and is fraught with great danger of
nervous disorder. Dr. Crichton Miller says in _The New Psychology and
the Teacher_: "From the point of view of psychological development
homosexuality in the adult is a regression.... Clinical experience
confirms the view that in the long run the man or the woman of the
intermediate type is bound to pay the price of regression in one
way or another" (p. 120).
Of course the essential defect of these passionate attachments between
two women is that they can never fully satisfy. They cannot give a
woman children, and they leave the mother heart in her starved. For
this reason it is a primary obligation on each of the two to resolve
that so soon as a man enters the life of the other she will at all
costs make room for him, The cost of this may be very great, but love
that is at all worthy of the name will not another from a path that
might lead to marriage has misunderstood the very meaning of love.
Women have repeatedly told me that the passionate relationships I am
speaking of lead to grave unhappiness. They almost never last, and the
one who breaks away may cause acute suffering to the other; while an
attempt to continue them after the life has gone out of them results in
a very poor and pitiful relationship. And yet all this leaves still
open the question of how they are to be dealt with in actual life. One
thing worth saying is--Be warned in time, and do not let them grow.
When they threaten they can be turned into true friendships by girls
who understand, and true friendship is always a bracing and
strengthening thing. But I would not for a moment suggest that a "G.
P." should be ruthlessly broken. That would often be a cruel thing to
do which might cause great and even permanent damage to a sensitive
nature. But if both who are involved in the matter will face the truth
about it, they may succeed in passing on into a natural and healthy
friendship which may be invaluable to both and a gain to society. If it
be asked wherein lies the essential difference between a G. P. and a
friendship I think answer has been given in the words: "Friendship is
an other-regarding emotion and proves itself to be an uplifting force,
while a G. P. is self-regarding, and consequently generally is socially
exclusive and therefore harmful." A G. P. generally involves a desire
to have somebody else all to yourself. That is the sign of the
unnatural sex element in it. But a friendship leads to happy co-
operation between two people in the work and recreation of the world.
One of the tests of universal application in this realm of life lies in
the fact that real love always wants to give, and that the attitude of
wanting greedily to get is not true love. Many and many an unhappy girl
who frets and torments herself because she does not get all she wants
from some other woman would find the world and life transformed if she
would but wake up to the fact that in her bit of the world there are
other people who need the love she might give them. She would thus find
a noble outlet for her emotions, become a boon to other people, and in
the process discover her own happiness--possibly to her own surprise.
I know very well what is likely to happen to some girls who read these
words and who are involved in a passionately affectionate attachment. I
can almost hear one such saying, "Of course I see that these things
ought to be said, and that some girls are very silly about their
friendships, and it only makes me the more thankful that in my case
everything is so natural, and right, and good."
We are all like that! We are extraordinarily slow to recognize in our
own lives the evils and dangers which we can see so clearly in the
lives of others. And so I would like to make a direct appeal to all
girls, and to all men too, who are involved in these relationships. Do
face the facts openly! Do look ahead! Do ask yourselves what you are
going to do about these affairs as time goes on! You must know they
cannot last in their present form. You would be right if you even said
that they to last. You may drift along, always postponing any definite
action, and just enjoying the present while it lasts. But that is
exactly the way in which calamity is allowed to enter people's lives.
And you and she, or you and he, might forthwith face the unalterable
facts I have been referring to, and take all danger by the throat and
throttle it. You might do that _now_. That is to say, you and your dear
friend might agree that you will at once get the passionate element out
of your relationship, and forego the pleasure you have in
that respect. You might begin now to learn true friendship, and get rid
of what is really a sickly thing. It might hurt--it probably would at
first. But none of us human beings need be the mere creatures of our
feelings. Our true and lasting happiness always depends upon refusing
any such slavery. If you do achieve a wholesome and true friendship it
may enrich your whole future life. If you let things go on as they are
you will have a very unpleasant memory to humiliate you.
I feel sure that certain general counsels apply with special force to
this part of life, and in particular the one which bids us all live
busy and positive lives. Brooding is not a wholesome occupation for
anybody at any time, but, on the other hand, through hours of active
effort emotion finds an outlet and our natures are restored to peace.
Introspection is to many people an actual luxury, but like other
luxuries it enervates. Reveling in their own emotions is a favorite
hobby with quite a lot of people, but for all that it is a very bad
one. There really should be no time for it. Our emotions are all needed
as driving forces for the times of action. In particular the
cultivation of a sense of beauty in art is one of the normal outlets
for emotion, and even for sex emotion. Some happy people can themselves
make music, and so express themselves. Most of us find that common
kindness suggests that we should restrict our efforts in that direction
to times when we are alone. But if we cannot play we can at least learn
the art of good listening. And if we are not musical at all we can
perhaps appreciate true painting, or great poetry, or fine literature.
It all helps.
May I say a plain word or two about the shyness and self-consciousness
in society which so torment young girls? The first thing I would say is
that they will almost certainly pass away before long, and that
therefore they need not be bothered about. Lots of the most effective
and socially successful men and women in the world went through a
painful period of shyness in early youth, and now only smile at the
memory of those days.
In so far as that self-consciousness is produced by society of any
sort, it is based upon the delusion that other people look at us and
think about us a great deal more than they do. It is also due to a
habit of minding what other people think and say a great deal more than
the facts warrant. We are not so important as to attract much general
notice, and other people are not so important that on account of their
prejudices and conventions we should distress ourselves.
But in so far as discomfort in society is due to the presence there of
members of the opposite sex, there is something different to be said.
The whole contention of this book is that the attraction which
exists between the sexes is a right and wholesome thing, and that the
way of wisdom is to accept the fact of it quite simply. When that is
done it is found possible to let that mutual attraction issue in
friendship and camaraderie of a kind that enriches and dignifies life.
Of course all this is much easier for girls who have been brought up
with boys. They learn to be at home with the other sex, not to be fussy
and foolish, and not to trade upon their sex. But that sort of
relationship to men is also quite possible even for those who were not
brought up with boys, and in the attaining to it girls find their real
peace of mind.
I would also like to put down here some thoughts about beautiful girls.
A beautiful girl always makes me want to do two things. One is to thank
God for making so lovely a thing, and the other is to say a prayer that
she may have special help given her for her specially difficult lot.
For beauty is both a very great gift and a very hard thing to handle.
Some of you must know that you are beautiful, and you are sure to find
the fact exciting, delightful, and yet embarrassing. You have great
powers--powers over other women and over children in part--and very
great powers over men. You can, if you will, use that power to induce
men to make fools of themselves. You can let yourselves slip into the
habit of living on admiration and feeding on the pleasure it gives
you. You can exploit your beauty to win through it things you do not
really deserve. People will forgive much to a beautiful woman, and you
can trade on that fact. You can get a great deal of your own way if you
master the art of being charming as well as beautiful; and you can in
that way use your beauty to your own undoing, and make it partly a
curse to others. In fact you are certain to have to face many
temptations which the majority of women escape. That is the hard part
of your lot. All who understand know quite well that life cannot but be
more complicated for you than for most, and you have a very great claim
on their sympathy. But the way to avoid your dangers is not to pretend
to yourself that you are not beautiful. Pretence never helps us. The
way is to face the fact of your beauty, realize that you did not create
it, and therefore need not be vain about it, and then go on to decide
what use you are going to make of the power it gives you. It can be
used for God--otherwise He would not have given it. It can be turned
into influence of a very wonderful kind. If you can induce men to make
fools of themselves, you can also draw out all that is best in them,
and inspire them for fine living. In plain English, when a beautiful
woman is also a good woman she is one of the greatest boons to mankind.
She can give great pleasure to others--but she can do more, she
can stir the latent idealism in men and women in wonderful ways. She
can move through the world as a source of gracious, kindly, and bracing
influence. Of course, once again, the essential secret is to think of
giving and not of getting, to get self into the background and live for
love and service--to employ your great gift for the sake of the giver
of it. I suspect that it must need a great deal of self-discipline--
perhaps more than a man can understand. I am sure it must need a great
deal of prayer. But it has been done, and can be done again.
And that leads me naturally to the last thing I want to say in this
chapter. I have already said in the chapter specially addressed to men
that the great help for the difficult early days of life is to be found
in religion. [Footnote: Cp. p. 80ff.] And of course that is equally
true for girls.
Religion means having a great and worthy interest at the center of our
lives, which gives meaning to the whole of them. Being religious means
that the essential and eternal part of us is coming into life, and it
almost necessarily follows then that the other parts of our
personalities slip into their proper places. It means having an object
for our affections more than worthy of all our deepest emotions, and
more than able to fill our empty hearts. Religion in the early days of
life is generally very emotional. I believe that that is perfectly
right and natural, provided we also make efforts to be sincere and to
love the truth. Because it is emotional, its value as an outlet for
feeling is very great. It does not remain at its first emotional level.
Later on there comes an inevitable change when many think, quite
wrongly, that they are losing their religion. But at the stage I am
thinking of religion naturally and normally expresses itself in intense
feeling. We are all hero worshippers at that stage of life. Hero
worshipping, however, is apt to get us into trouble, for our heroes
fail us in time. The one perfect hero who never fails us is Christ. He
alone never disappoints, and to love Him is to have all the nobler
chords in our beings set in motion. We are sure to despair of ever
becoming worthy of Him. But no leader of men was ever so willing to
take us as we are and make the best of us. To be near Him may mean
being made to feel deeply ashamed. In His presence we are sure to feel
small and mean. But that also is a good thing, and in spite of it He
loves us. In other directions we seek with longing to find love,
and often fail. With Him we may be quite sure of finding love. And He
goes on loving to the end.
Being loved by Him does at last draw out the best in us. Inevitably we
begin to want to be more worthy--to serve and love others for His
sake--to know and love the truth--to find and worship beauty. And that
means having a life full of splendid and worthy interests.
Emotional muddles may in fact be the lot of most of us for a while. But
if at the center of them all there is an honest love for Christ, they
cannot overwhelm us; and in the long run we are sure to emerge into the
life that has both peace and power in it.