FALLING IN LOVE AND GETTING ENGAGED
This will be a very short chapter, for there is only one thing which I
feel moved to say on this subject, and yet it is so important that I
put it in a chapter by itself. Put in a sentence it is this: Only real
love offers a basis for a happy marriage, and real love is something
more than physical attraction. If all young men and women knew that and
would be strong enough to act upon it, there would be very few
calamitous marriages in the future.
But let us face the facts. Mere physical attraction can be tremendously
strong. It springs into existence sometimes between two people who
hardly know each other. The explanation of it must lie in mysterious
facts about our incarnate life which I certainly cannot analyze. Once
it is there it is felt as an imperious summons to marriage. To each
the other seems for the time being a wonderful person, to be desired
beyond all others. Often the critical faculty in us is entirely
suspended by this attraction; and "her" words seem wise, though in fact
they are silly, and "he" seems noble, though in fact he is only an
averagely decent man. Two such persons long ardently to be together,
though they do not nearly always want to talk to each other. They are
held by something they do not understand, but which moves them
profoundly.
Now by some mysterious and kindly providence I believe it usually
happens that this mutual attraction declares itself between two people
who as they do get to know each other find that they are also attracted
mentally and spiritually. Usually from this beginning a real fellowship
between the two persons will grow up which involves nearly their whole
personalities. Many people who fell in love at first sight have made
splendid marriages. But it does not always happen so. Sometimes this
physical attraction remains the only bond between two people. Sometimes
in the other departments of life they actually fret and annoy one
another. Sometimes a friendship refuses to grow up. Sometimes even
while the attraction still exists contempt lurks behind it. And that
means that it is entirely unsafe to get engaged on the basis of a mere
physical attraction. There is really something impersonal about mere
physical attraction. The individual as such is hardly an active agent
in it. He or she is the victim of some great life force that seems to
want to throw men and women together regardless of their mental and
spiritual qualities. Behind a mutual physical attraction there must be
some strange harmony between the two physical natures concerned. But
that may be the whole truth of the situation. And to become engaged or
married on that basis alone is just another instance of acting as if we
were merely bodies, when we are not. It constitutes another attempt to
forget mind, heart, and soul, and is therefore disastrous.
And that, of course, means that a man and a woman, if they want to find
their true life, must take care to get to know each other _before_ they
commit themselves, even though they are attracted. "Maggie" in _What
Every Woman Knows_ showed herself extraordinarily astute when she
packed off her husband, who was the victim of an intense physical
attraction for another woman, into a lonely place in the country where
he would have to spend all day and every day with the lady whom he held
to be his heart's delight. The result was that in four or five days he
was bored almost beyond endurance. He had an acute mind and a very
definite type of character, and no happy life was possible for him
merely on the basis of a physical passion.
Therefore it is not enough that merely to look at "her" makes your
blood run fast and your nerves tingle. It is not enough that the very
sight of "him" should give you acute pleasure. Before a man and a woman
get engaged they would do well to have some long talks together, and so
to find out what their real interests are, and whether their general
views and purposes in life are such as can possibly be harmonized.
Marriage lasts for a long time, and is a poor affair when a husband is
bored by his wife's conversation, or when a wife is repelled by her
husband's views. Even to such there may come recurrent hours of ardent
love, but both will want more than that. We must take our whole selves
into marriage, and to have experienced a mere physical attraction is no
proof that we shall be able to do it. I remember one very distressed
young wife who once asked me for help. She had been carried away by the
attraction of a masterful man, and had lived through her engagement and
the early days of marriage in a whirl of excitement in which she never
stopped to consider what sort of a man he truly was. A month or two
after marriage she inevitably began to find out, and was both shocked
and repelled. She was longing to have a friend in her husband; but they
both felt that a friendship between them was impossible.
I am sure it must mean one of the hardest tasks which life ever sets
any of us to keep one's head when under the influence of such an
attraction, and perhaps to have to decide not to act at all in
consequence of it. To stifle an incipient passion in that way may be a
terrific business for some people. But we are queer complex creatures,
and we needs must take account of the whole of ourselves if we are to
find life.
I repeat, physical attraction _is_ often the beginning of everything
else. But it is not always so, and for that reason we must needs
beware.
Of course the converse of all this is also true. A man and a woman may
attain to a fine fellowship of mind and find co-operation in many ways
congenial, and yet may experience no mutual physical attraction. And if
they begin to think of marriage they have indeed a delicate problem
before them. Generally, I believe, the further intimacies which come
with marriage will awaken physical instinct in both, and when nature
has had her way with them a really complete marriage will be attained.
But it is not always so. Neither may have the power fully to awaken the
other. In some marriages that are fine friendships either the man or
the woman is half-conscious of deep-seated longings that have never
been satisfied. And if by chance a third person appears with the power
fully to awaken the physical nature of either the husband or the wife,
a very difficult situation arises. I do not say it is a situation which
cannot be handled successfully. I do not believe we need be the victims
of passion. But only a fool would deliberately court the possibility of
having to face the situation I have described. Wherefore I say again we
need to take account of the whole of ourselves if we are to find life.