_Or bona fide extracts from celebrated authors._
Before the conquest of this country by the Normans, the land in Norfolk was
so light and fine, that the farmers usually plowed with two rabbits and a
case knife!--_Jones's Wonderful Changes_, p. 86.--Weep at this ye who are
now racking your inventive powers for improvements in agricultural
implements. See what your forefathers could accomplish by means the
simplest.--_Risum teneatis?_
* * * * *
There are many stories told of the craft of the fox to compass his prey, of
which Ol. Magnus hath many: such as feigning the bark of a dog to catch
prey near the houses; feigning himself dead to catch such animals as come
to feed upon him; laying his tail upon a wasp's nest and then rubbing it
hard against a tree, thus catching the wasps so killed; ridding himself of
fleas by gradually going into the water with a lock of wool in his mouth,
and so driving the fleas up into it and then leaving it in the water; by
catching crab fish with his tail, which he saith he himself was a witness
of.--_Derham's Physico-Theology_, book iv. chap. 11., and _Ol. Mag. Hist._
lib. xviii. cap. 39, 40.--Peruse this ye incredulous lectors of Baron
Munch-Hausen, and Colonel Nimrod. Talk no more of the fertile genius of our
Yankee brethren, but candidly admit ye are blameworthy for withholding
credence to matters which rather border on the marvellous.
* * * * *
Had man been a dwarf he could not have been a rational creature; for he
must then have had a jolt head, so there would not have been body and blood
enough to supply his brain with spirits, or he must have had a small head
answerable to his body, and so there would not have been brain enough for
his business.--_Grew's Cosmol. Sacr._ book i. chap. v.
Had the calf of the leg been providentially and prominently placed
_before_, instead of being preposterously and prejudicially placed
_behind_, it had been evidently better; forasmuch as the human shin-bone
could not then have been so easily broken,--_Dr. Moreton's Beauty of the
Human Structure_, page 62.--What a pity it is that these two learned and
self-sufficient authors, were not consulted in the formation of their own
persons: doubtless they could have suggested many improvements, and would
have felt all the advantages with due effect--probably they might have
liked their heads to screw on and off like Saint Denis, of France, who
frequently carried his under his arm.
* * * * *
The City of London is the largest city in the world, and the people of
London the wisest--_Wilson's Candid Traveller_, page 42.--Mark this, ye who
are levelling your _leaden_ wit at the worthy aldermen and cits of this
"large" and "wise" metropolis.
* * * * *
At the famous battle of Crescy, gained by Edward III., notwithstanding a
vast carnage of the French, and an infinite number of prisoners, the
English lost only one 'squire, three knights, and a few of inferior
rank.--_History of England, by Goldsmith._
At the battle of Agincourt, gained by Henry V. the French lost ten thousand
men, and fourteen thousand prisoners; the English (although enfeebled by
disease, destitute of provisions, and harassed by fatigue) lost only forty
men in all--Ibid.--Hear these facts of ancient prowess, ye heroes of modern
times; who among ye ever gained such signal advantages with losses so
insignificant?--In good truth, I must admit, that even I was once inclined
to cry out with Mr. Burchell, "fudge;" but the following morceaux have
explained to me the (otherwise) mysterious relation:--
_One_ Englishman can beat _five_ Frenchmen.--_Williamson's Serious
Propositions_, page 78.--One English man-of-war, will beat a Dutch
fleet--_Nebolt's Naval Expeditions_, chap. iv. section 9.--Indeed! what a
scandalous shame it is then to call Admiral Blake a naval hero; surely he
could have been but a mere botch to make such a tough job of cutting up Van
Tromp, the Dutch commander.
* * * * *
Though I have examined what all other authors have written on this affair
with great impartiality, yet I cannot conceive that any of them have the
least merit; nor do I find one man that has treated this subject sensibly,
besides myself.--_Smithson's Amiableness of Candour and Diffidence_, page
8.--What modesty! what candour! amiable critic! doubtless your ingenuous
style has obtained you a place on the shelves of the literati; and like
Ovid and Horace you have secured as well as assigned yourself an
immortality.
* * * * *