startling divorce case on the _topis_, and the main portion of the Court
House has not yet fallen in, and Mr. H.'s wife has not recently
surprised him in any well-matured plan for putting a _quietus_ upon her
existence. Domestic felicity is unusually prevalent. The scarlet-fever
and measles have prevailed to a somewhat alarming extent; but the most
contagious of all has been the _French_ fever. This malady seems to have
spread amongst all classes; the fashionable and the unfashionable, the
strong-minded and the frivolous. French teachers swarm like bees, here,
there, and every where, and all speaking the purest Parisian French;
even Mons. L'HARMONIQUE, who comes from that wee little town in Canada,
where the Canucks "most do congregate." But he says "the Americans do
love so much humbug," that he gives them their fill of that article.
We have had French parties, French plays, French lectures. We read
French, speak French, sing French, and look French; and, if you are so
barbarously ignorant as not to understand that language, why, you might
just as well retire for an old fossil or petrifaction. You're obsolete,
that's all; as much behind the times as RIP VAN WINKLE himself, after
his memorable sleep. English is out of date here--a relic of the Dark
Ages. Fashionable ladies return from Paris, bringing with them
accomplished _bonnes_, and every one is prohibited from speaking a word
of English to the children; but, in spite of every precaution, the
vulgar little creatures will drop the musical foreign tongue, and speak
their own native language. They are christened ADÈLE, MARIE, or CLAIRE;
the SUSANS, MARYS, and ELLENS having ceased to exist.
Parisian fashions, of course, reign triumphant, and the pretty young
girls in French frizzes and furbelows, shrug their fair white shoulders
exactly as they see "that elegant Madame DE----" do, and gesticulate
with what they imagine to be the true French grace and vivacity. They
all have a charming young teacher, with whom they carry on a most
romantic flirtation, that of course means nothing; and each one of these
fair students, (who conscientiously puts a "g" to every termination
possible, and who says _monseer_,) will tell you, with a complacent
smile, that Professor ---- considers her pronunciation unusually
excellent. They are all studying in the blissful anticipation of a trip
to Paris, where they will be presented to the Empress in yellow satin
gowns, and then, when they return, how eagerly will they be sought by
the fashionable young snobs, who long will see upon their fair brows the
reflection of imperial glory. That is, if the dark-eyed ROMEOS abroad
allow them ever to return to their native country.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MR. GLAUBER, DRUGGIST, WHO HAS HAD A DISPUTE WITH HIS
SIGN-PAINTER, IS NOT AWARE THAT THE LATTER HAD COME IN THE NIGHT, AND
TRANSPOSED THE LETTERING OF HIS NEW SIGN-BOARD. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE
COMPLACENCY OF MR. G., AS HE VIEWS THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE OVER THE WAY WHO
STOP TO GAZE AT IT.]
* * * * *
COMIC ZOOLOGY,
Order-Reptilia.
SPECIES-BULLFROG.
Although the batrachian is of the genus _bufo_, he is by no means a
_buffo_ genius. He may be styled the solemn organist of the swamp;
slough music being his specialty. Like other out-door performers on wind
instruments, he is chiefly heard in pleasant weather, and during the
summer his organ is without stops. Being a Democrat, he appreciates the
dignity of labor, and consequently is not ashamed to blow his own
bellows.
Winter shuts the bull-frog up like a four-bladed jack-knife, and he does
not open until the blades are started by the Spring. He seldom leaves
his mud bivouac for active service before April, but a Forward March
sometimes induces him to move earlier. As a rule, however, the smaller
varieties of the species begin to ply their bog-pipes some weeks before
he volunteers a voluntary.
Originally, this member of the Frog family had no surname, but about two
thousand years ago, in consequence of his disastrous failure in an
attempt to rival a male animal of the bovine species, the prefix "bull"
was incorporated with his patronymic by a crooked little Greek. The
name, however, more appropriately belongs to the Horned Frog of Sumatra.
The habits of the Bull-Frog are believed by observant naturalists to be
strictly temperate, although there is a rumor afloat that he has been
seen Over the Bay in New-Jersey. It is suspected, however, that the
originators of the story were persons who visited that State to avoid
the restrictions of the Sunday liquor-law, and consequently saw as
through a glass darkly. Be that as it may, it is certain that this
species of reptiles (unlike the "paragon of animals,") is never too
drunk to navigate.
Mankind is deeply indebted to the Bull-Frog. We should never have known
how to keep our heads above water but for their example, and, though Mr.
CHASE may not be aware of the fact, their greenbacks were the first that
ever issued from the Banks of America. Naturally, therefore, they are in
advance of SALMON, and, long before he put our currency on its present
footing, the hinder limb of a bull-frog was a legal tender.
The frog exists in most parts of the world, and at one time all the
varieties of the species were Plaguily abundant in Egypt. They were
introduced there to punish the people for their rascality, and appeared
in such numbers among the Egyptian blacklegs that they stopped the game
of PHARAOH. There is nothing poetic in the aspect of the frog. It is
simply a tenaqueous bag of wind, yet it has occasionally given an
impulse to the divine _afflatus_. We have it on the authority of the
celebrated traveller Count SMORLTORK that the distinguished Mrs. LEO
HUNTER, once wrote an "Ode to a Perspiring Frog."
The costume of a Bull-Frog consists of a green coat with yellow vest and
brownish breeches, and when he requires a change of uniform, he pulls
off the old one and swallows it. This fact has been doubted; but why
should It be deemed incredible? Are there not parallel cases in the
human family? GOLDSMITH tells us that he once lived for a fortnight on
his coat and waistcoat; and every pawnbroker knows that a cast-off suit
often furnishes the material for a family dinner. Why should not a frog
sustain life with his Pants as well as a Christian?
Common brown frogs are good baits for FISH in most of the counties in
this State; but when you go to HAMILTON try the greenbacks.
The unlicked cubs of the batrachian family are known (irrespective of
sex) as Pollywogs, and are the meanest of all the reptile race except
the radical Scaliwags. They are all heads and tails, and then, not the
toss of a copper to choose between the two ends, as regards hideousness.
The manner in which the tails are gradually developed into legs is very
curious, but, as this is not a Caudal lecture, it is unnecessary to
describe the process.
It has been metrically stated that the fast young batrachian goes a
wooing in an Opera hat, irrespective of his mother's consent, but this
assertion is not borne out by BUFFON or CUVIER, and maybe set down as a
_lapsus lyrea_. Upon the whole the Bull-Frog, though harmless as a lamb,
is nearly as stupid as a donkey, which accounts for his taking up his
abode among Morasses, when he might dwell in the woods with the turtle
and "feel like a bird." Furthermore, and finally, the subject is a
slippery one and difficult to handle, and, therefore, with this remark
we drop it.
* * * * *
A Clerical Error.
A PRESBYTERIAN clergyman, the Rev. CHARLES B. SMYTHE, has been
scandalizing a community in New-Jersey by putting gin in his milk, and
that on a Sunday afternoon. From the rebuke administered to Rev. SMYTHE
by the authorities of his church, it appears that his case must have
been a very aggravated one. They admonished him to "walk more correctly
in future;" the inference to be drawn from which is that the amount of
milk-punch, outside of which Rev. SMYTHE had placed himself, was
sufficient to impart a stagger to his gait.
* * * * *
Right to a T.
The employment of Chinese laborers to build railroads is very suggestive
of a well-known product of the Celestial Empire, since railroad tracks
are usually laid with T rails.
* * * * *
"What's in a Name?"
Letters of the Alphabet.
* * * * *
A Be-Knighted Set.
The Canadian Government.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.]
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Anxious Inquirer_. Can you give me any clue to the whereabouts of
Collector BAILEY? I have advertised repeatedly for information
concerning him without the slightest success.
N.B. PUNCHINELLO begs to give notice that he doesn't keep a detective
police agency, but the gentleman in question is said to be in _Esse_.
_Economist_. Is a gentleman who invites a lady to the theatre obliged to
hire a carriage to take her in?
_Answer_. Not at all. He can Take her In by not keeping his appointment,
or--he can charter an omnibus if he likes.
_Vinous_. Can you give me any information about high wines and dry
wines? Can wines be high and not dry, or both high and dry, or how?
Please explain. Was HENRI do BOURBON the last of the Bourbons?
_Answer_ I. DELMONICO'S _Clos Vouguet_ at $16 per bottle is a high wine
but not a dry wine. It might be, though, if it wasn't wet. II. Not by a
good many.
X. Please, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, who were CASTOR and POLLUX?
_Answer_. Twins. (By Gemini you ought to have known that!)
_Scissors_. Where can I have access to old files of the leading
news-papers?
_Answer_. In the editorial rooms of the same. You must be brief,
however, as their time is valuable, and these Old Files are apt to be
crusty, if bored.
_Old Salt_. How can sea-sickness be avoided?
_Answer_. By never going to sea.
_Linnaeus_. Does a knowledge of botany necessarily involve a knowledge
of square root and cube root?
_Answer_. Our correspondent is evidently trying to quiz us. PUNCHINELLO
will pay no attention to levity of this sort.
_Claude_. I desire to make a few presents to a young lady who is
intellectual but very timid. What shall I give her?
_Answer_. Presents of Mind.
_M.C._ I am going to buy a new faro-table for my place up-town--you know
where. What is the best shape and material?
_Answer_. A Square Deal table generally suite _players_ the best.
_Williams_. No, sir; the term Fiscal year has no reference to Col. FISK,
Jr.
_Gardener_. Haydn's Book of Dates is not a Horticultural book.
_Byron, Jr_. Your verses would be much better if you would pay less
attention to your Feet and more to your Head.
_M.J.B._ Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Our darling little pet, Tinkums, is not
well, and does nothing but cry all night, to Charlie's great vexation.
What will stop the little darling's crying?
We would suggest a hot pitch plaster directly over the mouth--that is,
if the child was in the house with us.
* * * * *
Ego Sum.
I am some. (Pumpkins understood.)
* * * * *
The Milky Way.
The road from Orange County.
* * * * *
Edwin to Emma.
Flax Vobiscum.
* * * * *
SAILING DIRECTIONS
FOR ENTERING AND LEAVING YOKOHAMA BAY.
From our special correspondent if Washington we have received the
following Special Order of the Navy Department, directing United States
men-of-war how to approach and leave Yokohama:
SPECIAL ORDER NO. 999.
In consequence of the late disaster to the U.S. sloop Oneida, the
following rules are hereby published for the guidance of vessels of war
approaching the Bay of Yokohama:
I. On making the land, or if at night, on striking the soundings, all
hands will be called to prayers.
II. After prayers all boats will be lowered and towed astern, to be out
of the way of damage.
III. The gunner, under direction of the executive officer, will dismount
all guns, and strike them into the hold. The reasons for this action
will be at once apparent to commanders of vessels, when they reflect
that, in case of collision, the guns would be useless as signals, owing
to the extraordinary deafness of the officers belonging to the
Peninsular and Oriental Mail Steamship Company; and a reference to the
details of the Oneida's disaster will show the danger of the guns
breaking loose and destroying human life. They will, therefore, be at
once stowed in the hold.
IV. On entering the bay, the helm must be kept amidships. The rule of
the road, according to English interpretation, is so difficult of
comprehension that the above is by far the safest plan.
V. Each officer and man will be directed to secure upon his person such
valuables belonging to him as he can conveniently carry.
VI. Finally, it shall be the duty of the commander to see that all hands
are provided with life-preservers.
VII. The same rules will apply to vessels leaving Yokohama and
proceeding to sea.
VIII. Having taken the above precautions, vessels may stand boldly into
the bay, and in case they are run into and sunk by any other vessel (say
for example one of the Peninsular and Oriental Company's ships) their
officers and men will stand some little chance of saving their lives.
But should all precautions fail, the gallant crew will be no doubt
greatly consoled, as they sink to their graves, by the reflection that a
pious Congress will pass resolutions of sympathy for their widows and
orphans.
* * * * *
A PLEA FOR PROTECTION.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I like your paper, though it is altogether too light
and trifling in its treatment of serious subjects. Besides, it never
treats of any thing serious. This won't do. The earnest men and women of
the nation require something better at your hands. I have an essay on
the "Origin of Evil," which I forward to you by this mail, and which,
when published, will give an entirely different character to your
journal. I want you, moreover, to advocate our American doctrine of
Protection. Even our ablest statesmen, KELLEY, GREELEY, and DANIEL
PRATT, have never carried this doctrine far enough. They are willing to
protect American iron-masters by prohibiting the introduction of foreign
iron, but why don't they protect American laborers by forbidding foreign
workmen to land on our shores? I demand protection for the native
ditcher. Forbid the Irishmen to land here and to lower the price of
labor by competing with our own ditch-diggers. Put a stop to the influx
of German tailors and bootmakers, who prevent native artists from
earning the wages that would otherwise be theirs. Protect our authors by
prohibiting the sale of works written by foreigners. Keep all foreign
pictures out of the country, and give our own POWELLS and ROSSITERS a
chance. And, above all, protect our American girls by preventing any
pretty English, French, or German girls from coming in competition with
them. These foreign girls bring their pretty faces here and glut the
matrimonial market. The fewer the marriageable girls, the higher their
market value. We protect iron-workers, and decline to protect our own
daughters. This is an outrage. Shall we prevent the railroad companies
from laying rails made of foreign iron, and permit husbands to marry
foreign wives? Every patriotic and protectionist instinct revolts
against it. I want you to take this matter up. Let us have no more
foreign manufactures, foreign iron, foreign books, foreign laborers, or
foreign girls. This is the true American system, and I look to you to
aid in carrying it out. MOTHER CAREY.
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO IS SORRY.
Alas! it is with tears in his eyes, albeit unaccustomed to such humor,
that PUNCHINELLO condoles with the ladies of Massachusetts on the defeat
of the proposition to endow them with the right of suffrage. The Puritan
Patriots in the State Legislature, who unanimously recognize the "inborn
right" of the black field-hands of South Carolina and Georgia to make
laws for the white women of the Republic, have scornfully denied, by a
vote of 133 to 68, that the white women aforesaid have any political
rights at all; thus officially proclaiming to the world that they
consider their wives, their daughters, and the mothers that bore them,
inferior to the ignorant male African; unworthy to vote with him at the
polls or to sit with him in council.
PUNCHINELLO is aware that the ladies of Massachusetts had set their
hearts upon rising to the negro level "before the law," and can
therefore appreciate their disappointment; but they ought to have known
that neither the ties of nature, the bonds of wedlock, nor the claims of
intelligence, are of any force in the Home of the Pilgrims, as compared
with the influence of the Ebony Lords of Creation, whoso reign as
sovereigns commenced with the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment.
The STANTONS, the BLACKWELLS, and the ANTHONYS, the Members of the
Women's Parliament and the Sisters of Sorosis, advocated negro suffrage
with the full expectation of sharing the franchise with PETE and CUFF;
but alas! while these wool-dyed Africans are conducted in triumph to the
ballot-box, _they_ are ignominiously thrust back from it. For this black
wrong there is no colorable pretext. There is not a shade of excuse for
it, and PUNCHINELLO hopes that it will open the eyes of the ladies of
the land, and prevent them henceforth and for ever from placing the
slightest confidence in the gallantry or impartiality of the Puritanic
prigs of New-England.
* * * * *
ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.
[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.]
No. III.
_D._ Now then, father, for that Description of the Telescope!
_F._ Very well, my child. The great Object of the telescope--
_D._ Is the Object-Glass, is it not, father?
_F._ Come, come, HELENE; no nonsense, now. The great object had in view
by the inventors of the telescope--
_D._ Father, don't you mean the Great Object they _expected_ to have in
view, when they got it made; a Distant World, for instance?
_F._ Pshaw, child! be serious. Don't spoil a good thing by untimely
interjections. They are as mal à propos as a mosquito coming across the
Field of View.
_D._ I'd rather he'd do that than come across _me!_
_F._ Well, HELENE, you are positively exasperating!
_D._ Not more so than your mosquito.
_F._ Well, I declare--this is too bad!
_D._ So is his bite!
_F._ Well, well; I must walk out and take the air. [_Going_]
_D._ Yes, pa, (and see that you don't take anything else!) Now, then!
for a grand look for my Charmer! Really, I am getting quite Earthly!
[_Looks through the instrument a few moments_] Why, what is this? Oh,
pshaw! I see! I've got JUPITER by mistake! I mistook one of his Belts
for a new Belt Railroad. It would have been a Big Thing, that railroad;
not less than 75,000 miles long, as I figure it. Perhaps those Belts
_are_ Railroads! Perhaps they have Rings there, as they have at Saturn,
only less conspicuous. JUPITER is rather a Slushy planet, if I am
correct in regard to its Specific Gravity; of about the consistency,
perhaps, of the New-York Poultice Pavement I've been reading about. I
should think that JUPITER'S lack of gravity and consistency would make
him a favorite with Aldermen--not the less for having so many
Satellites. I wonder if the New Charter is the celebrated Magna Charter
under a new name? Probably it is no better. Oh, dear! the annoyance of
living so far away! Nothing here attracts me. The distant, the
unattainable, is all I think or care about!
F. [_Coming in quietly._] What's that, HELENE, about the charms of
the Unattainable? You don't seem to see any thing very attractive in
MERCURY or MARS!
_D._ Well, some things may be both unattainable and undesirable. That's
the case with the little thieving god MERCURY, and that big red-skinned
Prize-Fighter, MARS. I can't understand, however, why these disreputable
deities should he worshipped in your favorite New-York.
_F._ Well, as near as I can see, (a matter of a few million miles, more
or less,) when you speak of Worship, they have more regard there for
Millinery than any thing else. The Christian Religion is based on
Humility, which has Purity and Simplicity for her Handmaids. Look into
some of these New-York churches! see how the jewels glisten, the rich
stuffs fall gracefully in massive folds. Observe the sumptuousness, the
elaborate display! A fine Humility this! Then look at the ceremonial.
Here is a church edifice, belonging to a denomination that assumes to be
Decent and Orderly in ceremony. Is it so in _this_ church? What means
all this tawdriness of color, the crimson, the blue, the gold; what
signify these fantastic designs and figures, these monkey-like
genuflexions; this wilderness of sign and symbol, this elaborate
abasement, this theatrical show of exaltation? This an improvement on
the old dignified simplicity? Do you tell me that childishness, and
prettiness, and pettiness, are valid substitutes for a genuine, manly
modesty and simplicity?
_D._ (Oh, dear! he's been drinking again! How bitter the Bitters do make
him!) Look! Father, come, quick! Here is a Railroad Accident, such as
you have often wished to see. Two trains have collided, and both have
rolled down an embankment at least seventy feet high! into a river, I do
declare! They are all lost!
_F._ Do let me see at once, HELENE I [_Looks eagerly._] Ah, yes; all
gone; nothing visible but one smoke-pipe, three stove-pipe hats, four
bits of orange-peel, some pea-nut shells, and thirteen copies of the
_New-York Ledger_. Sad fate! But see! Some dry-goods-no, a young lady
flounders along toward the shore! The bystanders rush up; she is nearly
exhausted; pants rapidly; they congratulate her. A well-dressed young
man approaches. She instantly begins to think of her looks; her hand
flies to her back hair. Heavens! there is so much gone there that she
shrieks in alarm! Her fall in the water has detached her Waterfall!
_That_ gone, every thing is gone! She springs to her feet! Glancing
hurriedly over the watery waste, now plentifully strewn with fans,
little canes, and certain objects which are either mail-bags or
_chignons_, she descries her better part, and with a wild cry, (as when
a mother rescues her babe from tigers,) dashes in and seizes the darling
object! She presses it to her lips, and impetuously breaks for the
shore! Alas! too late, by about ten and a half seconds! "Save it!" she
seems to cry; tosses the wad ashore, and down she goes, with her hand on
the back of her head, her last thoughts, evidently, more or less,
connected with that sympathizing young man on the bank above.
_D._ Father, you talk like a brute! Have you no feeling? Boo-hoo
hoo-hoo!
_F._ Child, I am _all_ feeling. Boo-hoo-hoo-too!
* * * * *
HORTICULTURAL HINTS.
KITCHEN GARDEN.--Plant pickles early, if you are up in time; if not,
later. But don't eat them late, unless you are equally fond of
dyspepsia.
In planting peas, select that kind that does not grow hard and yellow;
that is, unless you supply boarding-houses, or have a government
contract for the supply of shot.
Grated turnips, mixed with horse-radish, for the table, will assuage
one's grief for one's grandmother.
Rice-puddings can be grown, ready-made, by sowing rice with cowcumbers.
Try it.
NURSERY.--Transplant from hot-beds to bath-tub as soon as possible,
using sponge with palm-soap and cold water. Top-dress with comb and
brush. Trim limbs according to age. Train with rods. Much depends on
starting right, so start to school right after breakfast.