The Prince of Wales it is allowed upon all hands is the finest baby ever
sent into this naughty world since the firstborn of Eve. At a day old he
would make three of any of the new-born babes that a month since blessed
the Union bf Sevenoaks. There is, however, a remarkable providence in
this. The Prince of Wales is born to the vastness of a palace; the little
Princes of Pauperdom being doomed to lie at the rate of fifteen in "two
beds tied together," are happily formed of corresponding dimensions,
manufactured of more "squeezeable materials." There is, be sure of it, a
providence watching over parish unions as well as palaces. How, for
instance, would boards of guardians pack their new-born charges, if every
babe of a union had the brawn and bone of a Prince of Wales?
However, we could wish that the little Prince was thrice his size--an
aspiration in which our readers will heartily join, when they learn the
goodly tidings we are about to tell them.
We believe it is not generally known that Sir PETER LAURIE is as profound
an orientalist as perhaps any Rabbi dwelling in Whitechapel. Sir PETER,
whilst recently searching the Mansion House library,--which has been
greatly enriched by eastern manuscripts, the presents of the late Sir
WILLIAM CURTIS, Sir CLAUDIUS HUNTER, and the venerable Turk who is Wont to
sell rhubarb in Cheapside, and supplied dinner-pills to the Court of
Aldermen,--Sir PETER, be it understood, lighted upon a rare work on the
Mogul Country, in which it is stated that on every birth-day of the Great
Mogul, his Magnificence is duly weighed in scales against so much gold and
silver--his precise weight in the precious metals being expended on
provisions for the poor.
Was there ever a happier device to make a nation interested in the
greatness of their sovereign? The fatter the king, the fuller his people!
With this custom naturalised among us, what a blessing would have been the
corpulency of GEORGE THE FOURTH! How the royal haunches, the royal
abdomen, would have had the loyal aspirations of the poor and hungry! The
national anthem would have had an additional verse in thanksgiving for
royal flesh; and in our orisons said in churches, we should not only have
prayed for the increasing years of our "most religious King," but for his
increasing fat!
It is however useless to regret forgotten advantages; let us, on the
contrary, with new alacrity, avail ourselves of a present good.
Our illumination on the christening of the Prince of Wales--we at once,
and in the most liberal manner, give the child his title--has been
generally scouted, save and except by a few public-spirited oil and
tallow-merchants. It has been thought better to give away legs of mutton
on the occasion, than to waste any of the sheep in candles. This
proposition--it is known--has our heartiest concurrence. Here, however,
comes in the wisdom of our dear Sir Peter. He, taking the hint from the
Mogul Country, proposes that the Prince of Wales should be weighed in
scales--weighed, naked as he was born, without the purple velvet and
ermine robe in which his Highness is ordinarily shown in, not that Sir
PETER would sink _that_ "as offal"--against his royal weight in beef and
pudding; the said beef and pudding to be distributed to every poor family
(if the family count a certain number of mouths, his Royal Highness to be
weighed twice or thrice, as it may be) to celebrate the day on which his
Royal Highness shall enter the pale of the Christian Church.
We have all heard what a remarkably fine child his Royal Babyhood is; but
would not this distribution of beef and pudding convince the country of
the fact? How folks would rejoice at the chubbiness of the Prince, when
they saw a evidence of his bare dimensions smoking on their table! How
their hearts would leap up at his fat, when they beheld it typified upon
their platters! How they would be gladdened by prize royalty, while their
mouths watered at prize beef! And how, with all their admiration of the
exceeding lustihood of the Prince of Wales,--how, from the very depths of
their stomachs, would they wish His Royal Highness twice as big!
Is not this a way to disarm Chartism of its sword and pike, making even
O'CONNOR, VINCENT, and PINKETHLIE, throw away their weapons for a knife
and fork? Is not this the way to make the weight of royalty easy--oh, most
easy!--to a burthened people? The beef-and-pudding representatives of His
Royal Highness, preaching upon every poor man's table, would carry the
consolations of loyalty to every poor man's stomach. When the children of
the needy lisped "plum pudding," would they not think of the Prince?
(Now, then, our readers know the obligation of the country to Sir PETER
LAURIE--an obligation which we are happy to state will be duly
acknowledged by the Common Council, that grateful body having already
petitioned the Government for the waste leaden pipes preserved from the
fire at the Tower, that a statue of Sir Peter may be cast from the metal,
and placed in some convenient nook of the Mansion-House, where the Lord
Mayor for the time being may, it is hoped, behold it at least once a-day.)
This happy suggestion of Sir PETER'S may, however, be followed up with the
best national effect. Christmas is fast Approaching: let the fashion set
by the Prince of Wales be followed by all public bodies--by all
individuals "blessed with aught to give." Let the physical weight of all
corporations--all private benefactors of the poor, be distributed in
eatables to the indigent and famishing. When the Alderman, with "three
fingers on the ribs" gives his weight in geese or turkeys to the poor of
his ward, he returns the most pertinent thanks-giving to providence, that
has put money in his pocket and flesh upon his bones. The poor may have an
unexpected cause to bless the venison and turtle that have fattened his
bowels, seeing that they are made the depositories of their weight.
This standard of Christmas benefactions may admit of very curious
illustration. For instance, we would not tie the noble and the
aristocratic to any particular kind of viands, but would allow them to
illustrate their self-value of the "porcelain of all human clay" by the
richness and rarity of their subscriptions. Whilst a SIBTHORP, with a fine
sense of humility, might be permitted to give his weight in calves' or
sheeps' heads (be it understood we must have the _whole_ weight of the
Colonel, for if we were to sink _his_ offal, what in the name of veal
would remain?), a Duke of WELLINGTON should be allowed to weight against
nothing less than the fattest venison and the finest turtle. As the Duke,
too, is _rather_ a light weight, we should be glad if he would condescend
to take a Paisley weaver or two in the scale with him, to make his
subscription of eatables the more worthy of acceptance. All the members of
the present Cabinet would of course be weighed against loaves and fishes
(on the present occasion we would accept nothing under the very finest
wheaten bread and the very best of turbot), whilst a LAURIE, who has
worked such a reform in cut-throats, should be weighed out to his ward in
the most select stickings of beef.
All we propose to ourselves in these our weekly essays is, to give brief
suggestions for the better government of the world, and for the bringing
about the millennium, which--when we are given away _gratis_ in the
streets--may be considered to have arrived. Hence, we cannot follow put
through all its natural ramifications the benevolent proposition here laid
down. We trust, however, we have done enough. It is not necessary that we
should particularise all public men, tying them to be weighed against
specific viands: no, our readers will at once recognise the existence of
the parties, and at once acknowledge their fittest offerings. It may
happen that a peer might very properly be weighed against shin of beef,
and a Christian bishop be popped in the scale against a sack of
perriwinkles; it remains, however, with LONDONDERRY or EXETER to be
weighed if they will against golden pheasants and birds of paradise.
We are perfectly aware that if many of the elect of the land were to weigh
themselves against merely the things they are worth, that a great deal of
the food subscribed would be unfit to be eaten even by the poor. We should
have rats, dogs, snakes, bats, and all other unclean animals; but in
levying the parties to weigh themselves at their own valuation, the poor
may be certain to "sup in the Apollo." On this principle we should have
the weight of a LYNDHURST served to this neighbourhood in the tenderest
house-lamb, and a STANLEY kicking the beam against so many "sucking
doves."