LYDIA’S TRAVELS.
The quiet that fell over the White House, not to speak of other houses,
when Liddy was thus carried off into the wider world, was something
which might be felt, like the darkness in the vision. Mrs. Joscelyn
subsided into a kind of half-life. She had been living in her child, and
when her child was withdrawn, her existence ebbed away from her. She
began to wring her hands again, especially when in the wild winter
weather the posts were delayed. All that could be done for her was done
by the Selbys, who humoured her and petted her, everybody said, like a
child. Joan drove over in her phaeton as often sometimes as thrice in a
week, and Philip, who was “an understanding man” his wife allowed, did
what was still better. He subscribed for her to the circulating library,
and kept the poor lady supplied, in defiance of all prejudices, even
those of his wife, with a boundless supply of novels. Joan was somewhat
indignant and much scandalised by this, asking him if he thought mother
was a baby, and if it was his opinion that an old person should waste
her time over such nonsense? “If it was a good book indeed,” Joan said.
But Philip verified his title to be called “understanding.” He helped
her through the dull days as nobody else could. She read and read till
she got a little confused among the heroes and heroines, all of whom she
wove together by an imaginary thread of connection with Liddy, comparing
their fictitious graces, their adventures, their history with those of
her child, and following her imaginary Liddy through many a chapter.
Lydia’s letters when they came were like another warmer, fuller romance,
the most enticing of all.
And then Ralph Joscelyn himself suddenly developed a new character. He
was miserable when his daughter was fairly gone, though he had never
betrayed any unwillingness to let her go. He read every word of her long
letters with a patience which had never been equalled in his life. He
gave up the dashes and blanks of which his conversation was once full,
and would come in the cold afternoons and sit with his wife, often
fatiguing her greatly, and keeping her back from the end of an exciting
story, but always meaning the best, and filling her soul with gratitude,
even when she felt most bored. And by and bye he would put on his
spectacles, and surreptitiously turn over a novel too, when the day was
wet, or on a long evening. Thus the sight might be seen of these two in
their old parlour, one at each side of the fire, rather dull but
friendly, like people who had grown old together, and in whom a moderate
modest affection had outlived all quarrels and years. He was a little
shamefaced when he was found thus in his wife’s company, but by degrees
that wore off too.
Meanwhile, Lydia went far afield, leaving dulness and darkness and cloud
behind her; finding winter turned into summer, and her life into
sunshine. It would be impossible to use words too strong to express the
change that had come upon her. From the north country of England to the
south of France was not a more complete difference than from the grey
and limited life of the yeoman household to the brightness and variety
and grace of existence among people accustomed all their lives to wealth
and refinement and luxury. The way in which they travelled, the
attendants always round them, the ease with which they took all their
gratifications, surprised by nothing that was pleasant, taking luxuries,
which were princely to Liddy, as a matter of course, had an
extraordinary effect upon her--the effect of a forced and miraculous
education, in which every half hour told like a year. For a short time
she was much subdued, almost stupefied, indeed, by the revolution in
everything round her, and was so very quiet that Lady Brotherton almost
came the length, notwithstanding her animated countenance, and the
favourable first impression she had made, of thinking her dull. In fact,
she was only in a state of intense receptiveness, taking in everything,
opening her mind and spirits to all the new influences, which confused
and dazzled her. But after thus lying dormant for a time, Lydia suddenly
awoke into new life, and bloomed like a flower. She awoke to a great
many things which were completely new and strange; to beauty and wealth,
to art, which was entirely unknown, and a revelation to her; and to
Nature of a lavish and splendid kind, almost as entirely unknown.
There were other revelations, too, upon which, at this moment, it is
unnecessary to dwell. It was more than enough that little Lydia, out of
what was not much more than a northern farmer’s house, should have found
herself in society, in that wandering society of the English abroad
where the finest specimens are to be found afloat among the coarsest,
and in which all the elements of life are represented; hearing names
familiarly pronounced every day which she had hitherto read with
reverence in books, talking to personages whose distant doings she had
but heard of with awe and wonder, and living in palaces, which she heard
found fault with as poverty-stricken and uncomfortable, she who had
known nothing better than the drawing-room at Heatonshaw. The party went
from France to Italy; to Florence and Rome, and still further south,
Naples and all its dependencies. So dazzled and transported was she with
all the new things she saw and heard that for the first month or two
Lydia forgot all about her quest. When she bethought herself of it, a
question arose which was far more troublesome here than it had been at
home. What was she to do? To examine anxiously every new face she saw,
to look out in the streets and in every company she entered for somebody
like Harry, seemed a far less hopeful enterprise in Italy than it had
been in England. She did not remember Harry’s face, which was disabling
to begin with, and then why should he be in Italy? she asked herself.
Poor people (unless they were artists) did not seem to come to Italy,
but only people with plenty of money and leisure, who came to enjoy
themselves. She was so bewildered by this altogether new idea that she
did not know what to do, nor did Lionel, “Cousin Lionel,” to whom she
began to refer everything (as indeed his mother did), suggest anything
that could help her. They looked over all the visitors’ books together,
and lists of the English inhabitants in every new place they came to,
with their young heads together, and much secret enjoyment of the
business; but neither did this stand her in much stead. In Rome, where
they spent Christmas, they were joined, as Lady Brotherton’s prophetic
soul had divined, by Lord Eldred; but when they left he did not follow,
and Liddy’s course, which was not that of true love but wandering
fancy, required no trouble to keep it smooth. But, by others besides
Lord Eldred, Lydia was “very much admired,” as people say. She might
have got “a very good match” out of her wanderings; but walked through
all these possibilities unwitting, not having even her little head
turned, which Lady Brotherton expected. The elder lady, however, was
delighted with the little sensation she made. She liked the little
flutter of moths about this gentle taper. She liked to have half-a-dozen
young men standing ready to do every necessary civility, to procure
everything that was wanted. Lydia saved her a great deal, she said, in
commissionaires; and old Sir John laughed his chuckling old laugh, and
said she was just like her mother; his Cousin Lydia had always a train
after her. Liddy wondered sometimes whether it was a former Cousin
Lydia, a century old or so, whom the old man meant. But they were very
kind to her. They became fond of her as the time went on. She lived an
enchanted life among them, with “Cousin Lionel” always at her side,
seeing everything, doing everything, along with her; and she could not
have believed that it would prove so easy to forget Harry and all about
him. Sometimes she awoke to this thought with such a sense of guilt as
depressed her for days; but in the meantime life was flowing on in
content, brightness, and variety, full of a hundred occupations. There
was not a moment vacant. Sometimes it would glance across her that the
day must come when she must leave it all and return to the White House.
Alas, poor mother! vegetating there, keeping herself alive by means of
her novels, and chiefly the unfinished romance of Lydia, most delightful
of all. What would she have felt had she known the cold chill which came
over Lydia as she realised that the day must come when she would be once
more at home; and how wretched, how angry Lydia was with herself, how
she despised her own frivolous being when she felt this chill invading
her! Generally however she put the thought away, and was content to
live, and no more. To live, how sweet it was! “Good was it in that time
to be alive, and to be young was very heaven.” At last Lydia came, as
the time of return approached, to throw away every consideration, and
exist only in the moment, with a kind of desperation of happiness. “I
shall never have it over again,” she said to herself, and shut her eyes
and went on, forgetting home and forgetting Harry, refusing to think of
anything but the sweet hours that were going over her; “I shall have had
my day.”
Thus time came to have a prodigious sweep and fling as the long
delicious holiday approached its end. The hours and days rushed on like
the waters of a river hurrying to the falls, every minute increasing the
velocity; already the skies were getting bright (as if they had ever
been anything but bright!) with spring; the flowers were bursting forth
everywhere; the warmth becoming excessive; the English tourists
beginning to return home in clouds. And the Brothertons spoke quite
calmly of going back to England. To them it meant a natural succession,
no more; they would return home to other delights. When autumn came back
they would set out again, and go over the same enchanted lands; but for
Lydia all would be over. She tried to enter into their plans, however,
quite steadily, concealing the vertigo that seized her, and her wild
sense of the hurrying rush of those last days. When it was suggested
that they should rest a few days at Pisa, Sir John having a cold, and
from thence go on to Leghorn, and take the steamer, Lydia felt like a
criminal who has got a reprieve; but oh, how guilty, how more than ever
deserving of any sentence that could be passed upon her!
By this time there had come a strange uneasiness into her intercourse
with “Cousin Lionel.” Liddy had always been more reserved with him than
with anyone else, she could not tell why. Since the first frankness of
the days when she went with him to Birrenshead there had been a great
seriousness in all their relations. This was partly his doing, and
partly hers. Lord Eldred’s appearance had checked him when he had been
getting rid of the impression which his mother’s opinion on the subject
of Lord Eldred had produced on him. And Lydia’s seriousness had subdued
the young man. She had consulted him indeed, referred to him constantly,
took his advice, kept up an invariable tacit appeal to him in all her
concerns, which she was scarcely herself aware of, but which went to the
very bottom of his heart; but she was always serious. Her gayer flights
were with the moths, as Lady Brotherton called them, the
commissionaires, the young men who fluttered about the two ladies, and
whom Lydia, caring nothing about them, treated with every kind of gay
malice, and a hundred caprices; but she was never capricious with
cousin Lionel. They treated each other with a sort of stately dignity,
reserved on one side, reverential on the other, to the amusement, but
great gratification of Lady Brotherton.
“Thank heaven there is no fear of these two falling in love with each
other,” she said, “which is an embarrassment one is scarcely ever safe
from.” As for Sir John, he chuckled and declared that his son was an old
woman. “Talk’sh like two ambassadorsh,” said the old man. Never was
anything more satisfactory; for to have a course of true love so near to
her, notwithstanding her sentimental sympathy with the thing in the
abstract, would not have suited Lady Brotherton at all. But on the day
of Sir John’s cold at Pisa, something occurred which, if she had not
been so busy administering gruel, she might not have found so
satisfactory. The two young people being thus left alone went out
together, and walked very soberly, as was their wont, about the
Cathedral and the Baptistery, gazing at everything as it was their duty
to do. They stood and looked up at the delicate fretted galleries of the
leaning tower, and the blue sky above which filled up every opening.
They had been very silent, and silence is dangerous. At last Lionel said
hastily:
“I don’t know why this should make me think of the old Joscelyn tower
you showed me; there is not much likeness certainly between this and a
Border tower.”
“The sky was just as blue,” said Lydia, “in all the crevices; though
they say that in England we never see the sky.”
“You remember it too?”
“Yes,” she said with a faint little tremor in her voice.
“And soon you will be there again,” he said (as if it were not brutal to
remind her of it!), “but I---- where shall I be?” He threw so much
pathos into his tone that Lydia, feeling herself on the brink of
darkness and desolation, could not quite restrain a little outburst of
impatience. He to talk like that, who would have nothing to give up,
whose life would always be as beautiful as it was now!
“Where should you be--but where you please!” she said, with a sharp tone
of irritation in her voice.
“Where I please?----do you think?--but I must not ask you that,”
Lionel said, drawing a long breath. And then he added as if he were
breathless and hurried, though in reality there was nothing to hurry
him, “Lydia--I want to speak to you before--before----”
“I don’t know what you mean; you can talk to me whenever you please,”
cried Lydia, with the daring of anger. She was angry with him, she could
scarcely tell why.
He was silent for a minute, looking at her with a curious expression
which she did not understand. What did it mean? No doubt Lionel thought
that Lydia knew exactly all that was overflowing in him; the eagerness
in his eyes, the hesitation in his mind. He thought she looked him
through and through, and she thought he looked her through and through.
The young man felt as if it could scarcely be necessary for him to say
what was in his heart; she must have seen it in every look for months;
and she, on her side, felt that her secret, which he was so likely to
have divined, must be kept from him at all hazards. Thus they stood for
a moment as in a duel, the man sealing his lips by force, considering,
with a generosity that cost him much, that to speak now would make the
position intolerable for her, and that any formal declaration of his
sentiments (which she must know so well before he uttered them!) must be
reserved for the very end of the family intercourse in which they had
been living; while the woman, who had been far too much interested on
her own account ever to discover his meaning fully, doubted still, and
guarding herself against a mistake of vanity, had to guard her own
secret, which she would not have him divine. They looked at each other
thus for a breathless moment; then he spoke.
“I can talk to you whenever I please? but not now; before--if ever--we
part.”
What did that mean? “Before--if ever.” Her heart beat so loudly that she
seemed unable to do anything but keep it down, and yet she asked herself
wistfully what was the meaning of it. She was tantalized and aggravated
beyond words. “That will soon be,” she said with a little mocking laugh,
and turning, walked away towards the river. He followed her quite silent
and cast down, for he thought this laugh meant the very worst. And when
they got back to the inn Lydia disappeared, and save in his mother’s
presence saw him no more that day. Lady Brotherton saw no difference for
her part. She tried to throw them together benevolently. “You must try
and make the best of it,” she said. “I must go back to your father,
Lionel. Take Lydia somewhere, show her the town. You are cousins, you
need not stand upon ceremony, you don’t want a chaperon.”
“I am so sorry, Lady Brotherton,” said Liddy with an innocent air, “but
I must go and write letters. We have been moving about so much lately. I
have not written half so often as usual to my mother. I thought I’d take
this afternoon for it.”
“That is a pity,” said Lady Brotherton, “I am sure she will excuse you,
my dear; you will be with her so soon! and Lionel will be quite lonely;
you might give him this afternoon. Your mother will have you in a week,
you know.”
Poor wicked Liddy! what a pang it gave her! and a still greater pang to
think that it should be a pang. She looked at Lady Brotherton with
sorrowful, half reproachful eyes, into which, much against her will, the
tears came--but fortunately kept suspended there, making her eyes big
and liquid, not falling. “I know,” she said, trying hard to suppress a
sigh; “but I must write all the same.”
“Don’t think of me,” said Lionel. “I shall play a game at billiards--or
something.” Lady Brotherton paused to launch a _mot_ at the absurdity of
coming to Italy to play billiards before she went to Sir John, and in
that interval Lydia disappeared, and except at dinner, when his mother
was present, the two did not meet again that day.
Sir John was a little better next morning, and declared himself able to
go the little way there was to Leghorn, where he would rest another
night before taking the steamer. “And there’sh old Bonamy,” he said,
“old friend’sh, never forshake old friend’sh. Bonamy, Vicesh-Conshull,
famous old fellow.” He was delighted at the idea, though Lady Brotherton
shrugged her shoulders. “Oh, yes, he is very nice,” she said, “not old,
quite a handsome man; but all these Consular people, they are--you know
what they are--However Mr. Bonamy is quite superior. Another night in
Italy, Liddy, though it is only a mercantile place and not interesting.
Let us hope there will be a moon.”
But Lydia did not wish for a moon. She had got into a state of feverish
indifference. It was so nearly over now, that she wished it over
altogether. What was the good of a few more hours? She would have run
away, had she been able, to get out of it all, to forget Italy if that
were possible, and all these five months of happiness. She felt angry
with Sir John and his friend, and the place they were going to, and
everything about it. A moon? what did she want with a moon? she would
have liked to pluck it out of that blue, blue intolerable sky that never
changed. It was all Liddy could do to keep herself from making a cross
reply.
They got to Leghorn early that Sir John might not be exposed to the heat
of the day; and the aspect of that place did not tend to soften Lydia’s
feelings; a town with shipping and docks and counting-houses; she
declared to herself that it was like any town in England, not like Italy
at all. Sir John, who was fond of novelty, had his card sent at once to
the Vice-Consul, with a request that Mr. Bonamy would go and see an old
friend who was not well enough to visit him; and the old man grew quite
brisk on the strength of something new, and sat up in a chair and
declared himself quite well. He looked so comfortable that Lady
Brotherton was very sorry that she had settled to stay another evening.
“When we have quite made up our minds to it, it seems a pity,” she said,
“to lose a day.” How tranquilly she spoke! while the two young people
listening to her, and too languid or too nervous to take any part in the
discussion, felt a secret fury burn within them. “Lose a day!” Neither
of them knew whether it was a loss or a gain, an incalculable treasure
of possibilities, or a miserable hour the more of suspense and
unhappiness. Perhaps they were both most disposed to look upon it in the
latter light; and yet they were both angry with Lady Brotherton for
talking of losing a day. There is no consistency in youth, nor was there
any reason for the nervous excitement which possessed them both. They
sat down to luncheon together, both of them devouring their hearts, and
quite indisposed for other fare.
“Mr. Bonamy knows our English ways. I should not be surprised,” said
Lady Brotherton, “if he came to lunch.”
“Yes, yes, knowshur English ways, English himself,” said Sir John,
“knowsh what’sh what. Shure to come in to lunch.”
And then they sat down at table. Lady Brotherton ate her bit of chicken
with all that unearthly, immeasurable calm which distinguishes elder
people, taking everything quite coolly, though with a flaming volcano on
each side of her; would she eat her chicken all the same, they
wondered, if they too were to explode and be carried off into the
elements? Notwithstanding their mutual opposition, they could not help
giving each other a glance of sympathy as they watched her, wondering
how she could do it. Lionel felt that he never could again believe in
those sensations which his mother had often described to him, which
affected her when he was in any trouble. Sympathy! She could not take
things so quietly if she was a woman of any sympathy at all.
The meal was half over. Lydia had scattered salad over her plate to look
as if she had eaten what was set before her, and Lionel, on his side,
had practised some other artifice. Thank heaven the moment was almost
over when they must sit there together exposed to observation. When the
door opened, Lionel rose to his feet to receive his father’s old friend.
But what did Lydia care for Sir John’s old friend? it was an excuse to
push her chair away from the table. It was Sir John’s English servant
who introduced the stranger; an Italian might have made a mistake about
the name, but about this there was no mistake. Thomas came in before the
visitor with all the imperturbability of a British flunkey.
“Mr. Isaac Oliver,” he said.
Then Lydia too rose to her feet wondering, with a little cry of
surprise. She did not know what she thought, whether it was a messenger
from home with evil tidings, or merely a fantastic coincidence. Lionel
was greatly astonished too. He made a step forward to meet the
new-comer--and there was something in the aspect of the new-comer which
puzzled him still more, he could not tell why. Where had he seen him
before? He was certain he had seen him before.
“Mr.--Isaac--Oliver?” he said.
He perceived, without being aware of it till after, that at his
surprised tone the stranger turned a suspicious look upon him, and
glanced round upon the party with the manner of a man who was not
entirely at his ease.
“Yes, that is what I am called,” he said.