attendants, who had been unconcerned spectators of the scene; and,
having lifted Zabra upon the elephant, who seemed delighted to regain
his burthen, the whole party returned to the country house of Sir Curry
Rajah.
CHAP. X.
ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE DANGER OF GOOD INTENTIONS.
"I tell you what it is, Boggle," said Climberkin to his friend, as they
were pacing the quarter-deck together, "You're al'ays getting yourself
into scrapes. You've got a notion as you can do things in the most tip
top manner, and you make a reg'lar mommock of every thin' you sets
about."
"All I knows o' the matter is, that I likes to ha' 'ticular notions o'
things in general, as every man as is a man, and thinks like a man,
should," replied the other. "But I arn't such a stoop as to allow every
body to come his handy dandy sugarcandy over me. I knows a marlin spike
from a gun carriage."
"But there was no 'casion for you to 'noy the cap'ain by comin' the
high and mighty over his nevey," observed Climberkin.
"Well, I did it for the best," responded his companion. "You see the
young chap arn't quite up to his dooty; so I thought, as I was his
superior officer, it was the most properest thing in natur for me to
tell him what's what. But I recomembered as young people has feelings,
and that it would be best to make my 'munication as pleasant as
possible; so the next time I comed alongside Mr. Midshipman Loop, I
says, quite delicately, says I, you're a lubberly young son of a sea
cow, as arn't fit to do nuffin but to count your fingers, or cut your
toe-nails. You're al'ays a skylarking arter some precious mischief or
another. No matter whether you're aloft among the reefers, or down
below, right-fol-de-dolin' at the mess, you're up to no sort o' good
whatsomdever. I arn't no patience wi' sich varmint; and if you don't
do your dooty in a less 'jectionable sort o' fashion, I'm pretty
considerably spiflicated if I don't make sich a report o' your
wagabondisings as shall make you catch more toko than you'll be able to
digest in a month. Well, instead of the fellow being grateful for the
handsome way in which I'd tried not to hurt none o' his feelins, he
looks at me w' as much water in his eyes as 'ould do to wash his face
in; and in a short time arterwards up comes the cap'ain, and gives me
sich a sittin' down as didn't leave me a leg to stand on."
"You'd been too hard upon the young un," observed Climberkin: "there was
no necessity for speaking so sharp."
"It's always the way I gets served out whenever I attempts to do a good
action," replied Boggle. "Nobody has better intentions nor I have; but,
somehow or another, whenever I've 'tempted to do a fellow a good turn,
the end on it is the treatment I meets wi' gives me sich a turn as puts
me into a perfect 'stonishment."
"You don't go the right way to work, Boggle--that's it, depend on't,"
replied his companion.
"The right way!" exclaimed Boggle. "Why, I've been this way, and that
way, and t'other way--backards and forards--right and left--upside down
and round the corners; and I should like to know what other way there
is in this here univarsal world? No; the thing is this: there's a plank
started some where. Natur don't go right wi' me. I've had a deal o'
'sperience in my time, and every 'dividual thing has been sarved up to
me wi' the same sauce."
"I should like to hear the long and the short o' your goin's on," said
Climberkin.
"Why, as to that, I've a notion the whole circumbendibus o' my history
is as good as a sermon," replied the other.
"Well, let's hear it then, Boggle, if you've no objection," added his
companion.
"Then here goes, if you'll sit down on this gun; for, though I've heard
o' a standin' joke, I should think a standin' story would be rather a
tiresome sort o' thing. It's no matter when or where I was launched,"
continued Boggle; "and about my parentage, its only necessary to say,
I had a father and a mother, like other folks. Well, in due time I was
bound a 'prentice to a ship's carpenter. I very early entertained a
desire to set people to rights as was goin' wrong. I thought there was
nuffin so pleasant as tryin' to do good, and I took hold of every
'portunity to benefit my fellow-creturs. Master was a punch-your-head
sort o' character, wi' one eye and a leg-o'-mutton fist; and missus was
a spirited little ooman, mighty famous in her way; but if you did get
in her way, she pretty soon made you get out of it. Well, when master
wasn't a punchin' my head, missus was a boxin' my ears; and when missus
wasn't a boxin' my ears, master was a punchin' my head; and when they
were tired o' sarvin' me out, they turned to and sarved each other out.
I led a lovely life, as you may suppose."
"A dog would ha' been better off, I should think," observed Climberkin.
"I had a heart overflowin' wi' the buttermilk o' human kindness,"
continued the lieutenant; "and I didn't like sich a state o' things, no
how. I entertained a notion that the only way to change this here strife
was to endeavour to create feelin's o' love betwixt the parties; but how
to get 'em to like each other, instead of to lick each other, was the
difficulty. 'If I can make 'em believe each other's affection, I shall
make a reg'lar Cupid and physic business of it,' thought I. But how
could I make 'em believe? Where was the proof? I had always heard as
jealousy was a proof o' love; so I determined to make 'em as jealous as
was possible. Well, I took a 'casion to hint to master as missus was
unkimmonly amiable to Brisket, the butcher over the way; and, although
Brisket, the butcher over the way, warn't no more a object o' love nor a
rhinoceros, I could see master's one eye flashin' about like a bundle o'
crackers in a kitchen fire; and he told me to watch their canouvres
and 'municate to him any thing as was likely to interfere wi' his
conjugalities; and, as a more nor ordinary mark o' his 'preciation o' my
regard for his matrimonial blessedness, he took me a punch o' the head
twice as hard as ever he'd given me afore."
"You had the luck of it!" remarked his companion.
"Then I went to missus, and, in the most delicatest manner as could be,
I gave her to suppose that there was a monstrous deal o' improperiety
going forard betwixt master and Mrs. Brisket, the butcher's wife over
the way; and, although Mrs. Brisket, the butcher's wife over the way,
was about as good looking as a toad-fish, missus seemed quite done
brown o' both sides; and, tellin' me to gi' her due notice o' their
clandasterous proceedin's, she fetched me a box o' the ear, as made the
inside o' my head seem turned into curds and whey. Well, I continued
this sort o' game till, if jealousy be a proof o' love, they ought to
ha' been convinced beyond a doubt, and, as a matter o' course, should
have been as lovin' as turtle-doves: but, 'straordinary to relate, he
punched her head, and she boxed his ears, more earnestly than ever, all
the time throwing out 'sinuations that stirred each other up into the
most tarnationest fury. One unfortunit day, when I was workin' away in
the shop, and they were workin' away in the same place, they suddenly
stopped their hands to make use o' their tongues.
"'I knows your goin's on over the way, you wretch,' squeaked missus.
"'And I knows _your_ goin's on over the way, you trollope,' bawled
master.
"'I'll kill that woman,' cried one.
"'And I'll murder Brisket!' said the other.
"'It's false, you villain! I defy you to prove your words. But you know
my suspicions are well founded,' exclaimed the wife.
"'It's false, you hussy! and you know it,' shouted the husband.
"'I had the intelligence from the best authority, sir.'
"'I had mine from a source that dared not deceive me, madam.'
"'Who told you?' was simultaneously asked by both; and 'Boggle!' was
the reply in almost the same breath. Immediately they turned upon me. I
could see master's eye lookin' at me as if he was about to walk down my
throat; and missus--but it's only necessary to say that I made a sudden
bolt between master's legs, managed to tumble him over her; and while
they were sprawlin' together, I was crossin' all manner o' streets,
at a pace that sent every body out o' my way. That was the end o' my
'prenticeship; and thus my good intentions were so 'bominably
frusterated."
"And what did you do then?" inquired Climberkin.
"I went to live wi' an uncle," replied Boggle. "He kept a
knife-and-forkery. Meat of all kinds, ready cooked, was waiting for the
hungry at any hour, with vegetables in season and out o' season; soups
of all sorts, and some of very strange sorts; with mustard, bread,
pepper, and salt. I continued at this business a considerable time, and
liked it much better nor the ship carpenterin'; and I gained a good many
'ticular notions o' things in general: indeed, I may say, without any
sinnivation against the sort o' meat we sold, as how I became a slap
bang judge o' horse-flesh. I still continued 'deavourin' to set things
right as was goin' t'other way; but the same sort o' fun al'ays happened
as when I 'tempted to make jealousy become a proof o' love: I got no
more gratitude nor would serve a flea to lie down upon. Well, it so
happened as our customers was frequently in the habit o' complainin' o'
dyspepsia. Every body had dyspepsia: long or short, little or big, fat
or lean, every mortal cretur talked o' nothin' else but his dyspepsia.
Some said it was all acause o' their diet, and they detarmined to make a
reg'lar change in their eatables; so havin' been used to nothin' else
but mutton and beef, they directly began to eat nothin' else but beef
and mutton. And some said it was one thing, and some said it was
another; and some said it was just exactly neither. Now, I knowed about
as much o' dyspepsia as I did o' the top o' the moon; but I seed as
there was a screw loose somewhere, and I was nat'rally anxious to put it
in proper order. So I got hold of a book as gived explanations in the
most popular incomprehensible manner about diet and regimen, and what
you should eat and what you shouldn't eat; and how much you might put in
your bread-room, and how much you might let alone; and there I met with
the whole complete circumbendibus about dyspepsia."
"And what was it?" inquired his companion.
"Why, I can't exactly say what it was," replied Boggle, "acause the
book didn't exactly tell me; but I found out as every fellow as had it
should be reg'lar as clock-work in his eatables, and should have no more
nor a sartain quantity at no time. So I began 'deavourin' to cure the
dyspepsia. I hadn't the power to make 'em reg'late their jaw tackle
accordin' to the book; but I took precious good care as every one should
have a sartain quantity. Whether a fellow could eat a horse, or hadn't
a appetite no more nor a blue bottle, I sarved 'em all wi' a sartain
quantity. Acause why? It was good for their dyspepsia. But they kicked
up such a bobbery! The big eaters got into a devourin' rage, and they
left the shop, swearing I was a tryin' to pick their pockets. Ungrateful
wretches! I was only a tryin' to cure their dyspepsia. And the little
eaters were so very few in comparison, that, if they had remained
satisfied wi' my treatment, their custom would have been of no sort o'
significance; but, acause I gived them more nor their money's worth,
they quitted the place, saying it was too cheap to be good, and that
I was only a wantin' to poisen 'em. Ignorant creturs! I was only a
wantin' to cure their dyspepsia! Well, my uncle was in a reg'lar take in
at the loss o' his business: it put him into as complete a botheration
as ever you seed. He was a man o' very few words, but was unkimmon handy
upon occasions; and, seein' or fancyin' summut wasn't correct, he
watched my goin's on; and one day he cotched me a sarving out a sartain
quantity to a fellow who didn't want quite so much. So he axed me what
I was arter; and I up and I told him all about the dyspepsia; and all
about my attemptin' to cure it; and all about my sarvin' out a sartain
quantity to every body as comed to the shop. Well, afore I'd got to the
end o' my story, my uncle, in the most unnat'ral way as could be, took
up a stick as was handy, and he sarved _me_ out wi' a sartain quantity,
till I was obligated to make all sail out o' the shop."
"Accordin' to my notions, it wasn't a bit more nor you deserved,"
remarked the unsympathising Climberkin.
"What, not for trying to cure the dyspepsia!" loudly exclaimed the
other.
"Not for trying to cure nothin'," was the reply. "But what became o' you
arter that?"
"Why, my friends thought my notions o' things in general not likely to
come to no good ashore, so they took it into their heads to send me
afloat," responded his companion. "My first voyage lasted long enough
to give me a tolerable smartish insight into the nautical; but I was
continually wantin' to set things right, and my good intentions were as
continually a sarving me out wi' a sartain quantity. Now, this might ha'
made any fellow but me tired o' tryin' to benefit his fellow-creturs:
but I wasn't a chap o' that sort; and I still went on, as sarcumstances
required, 'tempting to do lots o' good, and gettin' in return nothin'
but lots o' bad. Well, when I came ashore in my native place, I was
rather a hold-your-head-up sort o' young chap; and, havin' some money
to spend, I swaggered about the streets most consumedly, and fancied
as every gal I cotched sight on was thinkin' o' nothin' in natur' but
lookin' arter me. So I thought as a matter o' course I'd look arter
them. I just did. As I had 'ticular notions o' things in general, as
every man as is a man, and thinks like a man, should have, I thought
it would be cruel to the rest o' the she creturs if I confined my
attentions to one: consequently, I went a courtin' away like a
steam-engine to all as I could meet. I had 'em o' all sorts and sizes,
colours and complexions--scraggy or squab--longs or shorts--it made not
a bit o' difference--as long as they were inclined to be fond o' me, I
was inclined to be fond o' them. I had the best intentions--I thought o'
nothin' but makin' 'em happy; and the more happiness as I could make,
the more good I thought I was a doing. Well, somehow or other, things
began to look queer, and every one on 'em was a wantin' me to marry 'em.
Now, there was a law again a fellow marryin' more nor one wife; and I
knew as if I married one it would be unkimmonly unjust to the rest.
This my 'ticular notion o' things in general wouldn't allow. I still
entertained the best intentions; so thinkin' as if they knowed the
rights o' the case they would see the impossibility o' my agreein' to
their wishes, I, unbeknown to the others, invited every one to meet
me under a large tree, a little way out o' the town, in the branches
o' which I hid myself very snug, to diskiver the upshot. First one
came--then came another--and number one looked at number two in all
sorts o' ways. Then came a third, and the two looked at number three in
all sorts o' ways. Then came a fourth, a fifth, a sixth--ay, I may as
well acknowledge at once as how they came to a matter o' twenty; and
they all looked at one another in all sorts o' ways. At last, one on
'em, as I knowed to be a bit o' a spit-fire, spoke up.
"'Ladies,' says she, 'may I ask what brought you all here?'
"'I came to meet Boggle,' said one.
"'I came to meet Boggle,' said another.
"'I came to meet Boggle,' said all.
"'You came to meet Boggle, you hussy!' exclaimed every one in the whole
lot; and, in less than a jiffy, caps flew about, dresses were torn, and
there was the most considerable shindy that ever was known in this here
univarsal world. Now, I had the best intentions. I only thought o'
creatin' as much happiness as I could. I never had no suspicion as my
notions o' things in general could ha' led to such a revolution. And
when I seed 'em all one a top o' t' other, a pummelling, a scratching,
and screeching like so many wild cats, I was taken quite comical; and,
missing my hold upon the bough, I tumbled right down into the very midst
on 'em. Directly as they caught eyes o' me they left off fighting. 'I
shall settle the matter comfortably at last,' thought I. Miserable
Boggle that I was! how I did deceive myself! In the next moment they all
flew at me like a lot o' tigers, and they scratched me up, and they
scratched me down, and they scratched me sideways--they pulled every
hair out o' my head, and they tore my clothes into bits not big enough
to cover a pincushion; and they didn't leave my unfortunate body till
they thought they had killed me out and out."
"I should think that ought to have sickened you o' goin' a courtin',"
remarked Climberkin, unable to restrain his mirth.
"Sickened!" exclaimed the other; "the very sight o' a she cretur makes
me as good as done for. Why, I was obliged to be laid up in lavender for
a month. I became as tender as a chicken, and every bone I possessed
seemed to have been smashed into porridge. And this was all in return
for my 'deavourin' to make 'em happy! If this arn't a most ungrateful
world I'm a nigger!"
"And what followed this adventure?" inquired his companion.
"Oh, don't ask me!" replied Boggle, very gravely: "I haven't the heart
to go on. But it was all the same. Still from time to time I thought o'
setting things to rights; and on every 'portunity I was rewarded for my
good intentions wi' exactly a similar sort o' treatment."
"Here comes the governor!" said the other, as he noticed Oriel and his
party approaching; and the two young men hastily left their seats on the
gun-carriage to attend to their duty in the ship.
"What coast is this, captain," asked the young merchant, pointing to the
shore that lay at the distance of a few miles.
"That is the coast of Arabia," replied Hearty.
"A part of the world rendered particularly interesting to the
philosopher by the many important incidents which, from the early
history of the world, have there occurred," added the professor. "Here
the chariots of Pharaoh, pursuing the fugitive Jews, were ingulfed in
the waters of the Red Sea; and yonder is the land where, after their
escape, the children of Israel wandered during their weary pilgrimage."
"Yes, the religion of Moses may be said to have had its origin here;
and here, also, the religion of Mahomet was created, don't you see,"
remarked the doctor. "This is the land of Mecca and Medina: this is the
land which, during the darkness of the middle ages, evinced the first
dawn of civilisation that gave light to the world--the land of Arabian
literature--of Arabian chivalry--of Arabian science and art. I cannot
say that I honour the character of their prophet; and I detest the way
in which his religion was promulgated as I detest every religion or
every form of faith that may be called a religion, which has had its
foundation upon bloodshed, rapine, and persecution. But, looking to
the effects produced by the diffusion of the absurdities of the Koran
wherever the arms of the Mahometans could penetrate, I must say that it
has created more good than many religions which have since obtained more
consideration."
"What! shall the Barbarians who destroyed the Alexandrian library be
held up to admiration?" exclaimed Fortyfolios, indignantly. "Shall they
who desolated wherever they went, among those who would not acknowledge
their pretended prophet, be considered benefactors to their species? I
cannot think you are in earnest, Doctor Tourniquet."
"But I am in earnest, don't you see," replied the doctor. "I would take
and compare the state of Mahometanism in Arabia, with the state of
Christianity at the same time in any part of the world--suppose we say
from the commencement of the seventh century, during the rule of the
Abbaside caliphs, till as late as the reign of the Ommeyide caliphs in
Spain?"
"But we must look to the opposite shore for the land from which all
intelligence proceeded," observed the professor. "Egypt was the cradle
of the arts and sciences; and her advances in knowledge preceded those
of Arabia by many centuries."
"And, doubtless, the advances made in India and China preceded those of
Egypt by about the same time, don't you see," added the doctor. "If we
would seek the origin of philosophy, we must, of course, find it among
the first people; and there is every reason to suppose that the earliest
inhabitants of this globe were located in India."
"That is doubtful," replied Fortyfolios. "But the Egyptians are at
least entitled to the credit of having, at an early period, carried
the mechanical arts to purposes the magnitude of which have never been
exceeded; and the degree of excellence they attained in philosophy
and learning is sufficient to make us regard them with a profound
veneration."
"We can only judge of the tree by the fruit, don't you see," responded
Tourniquet. "All I know is, that the Egyptians distinguished themselves
by erecting the most magnificent fooleries that had ever been conceived.
Of what use were their pyramids--their colossal statues and stupendous
monuments--their gigantic idols--their vast temples, and elaborate
sculptures? Superior knowledge did exist certainly, for they were
the teachers of the Jews and of the Greeks; and, although the latter
surpassed their instructors, they have still a claim upon our
admiration. But the priests were the depositors of this knowledge, and
they wrapped it up in mystery so cleverly, that it was of no use to the
people, among whom it ought to have been distributed, and was of just
the same advantage to posterity when both priests and people were
crumbling into dust."
"Are we not approaching the grand water communication that carries the
Red Sea into the Mediterranean?" inquired Oriel Porphyry.
"Ah! there's some sense in that!" exclaimed the doctor. "It beats the
wonders of Thebes to nothing; and yet there could not have been more
labour employed upon it than must have been used to erect that vast
city."
"Under what circumstances did it originate?" asked the young merchant.
"After the Russians had made themselves masters of Constantinople," said
Fortyfolios, "the Turkish empire gradually dwindled into insignificance;
but the territory of their conquerors had become so immense, that it
was impossible, even at the expense of a military power scarcely ever
equalled, to keep it together. Symptoms of dissolution began to show
themselves. The native Russians, who had gradually risen from a state
of abject servitude to one in which a strong love of liberty became
its greatest characteristic, grew restless and dissatisfied with their
government, and were continually endeavouring to force it to become more
liberal. The frequent disturbances which arose in consequence kept the
country very unsettled; and there was a powerful party in the state,
that, being opposed to the policy of those in authority, aided in
creating the public disaffection. At this time, when the government
was fully employed by its own internal disorganisation, several of the
conquered provinces threw off their allegiance. Of these, the most
successful were Poland and Greece. There arose amongst the Greeks a man
of extraordinary valour, wisdom, and soldiership, who, from the petty
leader of an insurrection, had become the chief of the national armies;
and, having succeeded in driving the Russians from his country, was
unanimously elected its king. But the independence of Greece did not
satisfy the ambition of this conqueror. He knew that the military ardour
of his countrymen required to be constantly exercised; and, leaving his
kingdom to the wisdom of his counsellors, he led a mighty armament into
the enemy's possessions in Turkey. Battle after battle was here fought
with the same result. The heroic Greeks drove all before them; besieged
and took Constantinople, in which they planted a colony; conquered
their way through Asia Minor, and, entering the subjected province of
Persia, excited the inhabitants to revolt: nor did they desist from
their triumphant career till they had become masters of the walls of
Petersburgh. At the same time the Poles, having taken up arms, they not
only succeeded in relieving their country from the iron bondage in which
it had so long been enslaved, but, in concert with the Greeks, invaded
the lands of their conquerors, and in many a sanguinary battle revenged
the wrongs they had endured."
"Did the Greek conqueror stop when he had subdued the Russians?"
inquired Oriel Porphyry, who seemed to listen with intense interest.