Climberkin, joining in the conversation; "and I had a very narrow escape
o' bein' done for in that fashion. I was bo'sun aboard the Whittington,
a reg'lar tip top merchantman, as Master Porphyry had in the China trade
at that time, and after a wearisome cruise I had been jollificating up
the country with a few mates, when I came alongside as smart a piece o'
China ware as ever I clapped my eyes on. Well, she did'nt understand
none o' my lingo, and I could'nt circumnavigate any o' her'n; but we
had signals flying at our eyes like winkin', and we pretty soon heaved
to, and were yard arm and yard arm, and looked at each other till
all was blue again. I discovered that she belonged to the crew o' a
man-tea-maker's 'stablishment, and got her livin' pretty comfortable,
by alays 'turnin' over a new leaf (though she never did nuffin wrong
to sinnify); and so I thought as how if that was the way o' sailin',
I might bring her to book wi' her own leave, without any botheration
whatsomdever. Just as I was making way in the business, I received a
'munication from one o' my mates, who was up to their lingo, that some
half a dozen o' the Chinamen with whom she 'sociated, were on a reg'lar
take in about my consortin' wi' her, and had entered into a 'spiracy
to nail down the hatches on my goings on. Me and my little frigate were
in the habit o' cruisin' in a grove o' prime timber, by the side o' a
rice field, and it was here-about's that the man-tea-makers thought o'
dishing me as strong as could be; but I took care that they should meet
wi' a mighty difference. After preparin' every thin' as was necessary,
I got my mates to lie in ambush, and began a courtin' a way in a style
as would make the jealousy rise out o' a dead nigger. I had'nt been
long at this here fun, when up comes the whole lot on 'em screechin'
like mad, and they bears down upon me threatenin' the most completest
spiflification as you can imagine. Their eyes flared up most immensely.
Their teeth seemed playing at knives to grind; and they whirled about
monstrous bludgeons that would have made no bones o' me, had I suffered
'em to scrape my acquaintance. My cretur struck her flag and down she
went; but before the teapots came to close quarters, I put my bo'sun's
whistle into play; and pulled out a pair of 'do-for-you's,' as my mates
coming up and showing the same signs o' welcome, surrounded the poor
devils in such a way as they could'nt move no how."
"And what did you do with your rivals?" inquired Oriel, considerably
amused by the lieutenant's narrative.
"Why, I'd al'ays heard it recommended to do as you'd be done by,"
replied Climberkin; "so we got the sticks from the Chinamen, and took
the flavour out on 'em in a manner as left 'em nuffin to complain of.
But we wern't satisfied with such an act o' justice. You must know that
each o' these tea-dealers has a tail to his head, from two to three feet
long, o' which he is as proud as is a peacock o' his tail, and shaves
all the rest o' his cranium as smooth as glass. Knowin' this, we'd
brought lots o' rosin and twine; and, while some o' our chaps made 'em
lump it if they didn't like it most considerably, we spliced them all
together from the small ends down'ards, for several inches, strong and
tight as a patent cable; then, seeing a tree close at hand with the
loveliest fork possible for our purpose, we hauled 'em up wi' ropes
over the branch till half on 'em hung on one side and half on the
tother, by nuffin in the world but their own precious tails. Didn't they
raise a bit of a shindy! Such howlin', such squallin'--such kickin',
such scratchin'--such a reg'lar rowdy-dow no set o' humans ever made
afore. And there we left 'em, as the ancient poet says, wi' each
partic'lar hair standin' on end, while we crowded all sail to our own
ship."
"It was rather too bad of you, lieutenant," said the merchant's son,
attempting unsuccessfully to look grave; "and I wonder you did not get
yourself into trouble in consequence."
"Why it did raise a smartish bit o' a bobbery," replied Climberkin; "but
we all kept so snug aboard, and sailed so soon arter, that not one on us
were diskivered."
"We shall anchor immediately," said the captain, returning to the group
he had left to speak to the pilot. "Is it your wish, sir, to go ashore?"
"I must be at Canton without delay," rejoined Oriel Porphyry.
"Man the galley, and get a boat's crew ready to proceed up the river,"
shouted Hearty to the second lieutenant.
"Ay, ay, sir," was the ready reply; and while the boat was lowered into
the sea, and all her appurtenances provided, Zabra and his patron made
their arrangements for landing on the Chinese territory.
CHAP. VII.
A CHINESE POET.
In an elegant room, the floor of which was covered with clean white
matting, while the furniture, consisting principally of a divan or sofa,
mirrors, pictures, couches, Japan tables, and large porcelain vases, was
of a superior description, cross-legged on the divan, eating sweetmeats
from a small silver saucer, richly chased, which he held in his hand,
sat a young man, of less than the ordinary stature, with a countenance
that seemed possessed of a perpetual melancholy. He was dressed with the
most studied effect. He wore a robe of dark rich silk, and over it a
vest of delicate blue satin, beautifully figured. Upon his head, which
was shaved, with the exception of a long lock of hair that hung from the
crown over the shoulder, was a small black cap of fine felt, with the
brim turned up, and the crown, of a conical shape, covered with a fringe
of scarlet silk, having a peculiar button in front. Below wide trowsers
were seen stockings of silk, remarkably thin, having their feet cased in
small slippers of embroidered satin; and round his waist was a girdle,
drawn very tight, to which was appended a small gold case, a purse, and
a pouch of silk. Opposite to him sat Oriel Porphyry and Zabra, in their
usual dresses, also eating sweetmeats from similar saucers.
"What an ineffable felicity I enjoy in being able to speak your
language," observed the young Chinese.
"I have no doubt you find it an advantage in your communication with
foreigners," replied the merchant's son.
"An advantage!" exclaimed the other rapturously. "By the great Fo,
'tis the most superlative of enjoyments. I bless the gods that my
mother was an Anglo-Indian, and that she conferred on me the exquisite
gratifications arising from proficiency in the use of her language.
My father passed a great portion of his life in India, and acquired a
facility in its pronunciation which is rarely obtained by a Chinese; so
that I was born with extraordinary advantages."
"You were fortunate, certainly," added Oriel.
"Fortunate! By the immaculate tail of Confucius, I was favoured beyond
all experience," cried his host.
There being nothing more to say on that subject, at least so the young
merchant thought, he inquired--"Your father, I suppose, will be here
shortly?"
"He is paying his devotions at the neighbouring temple. Long Chi enjoys
a religious reputation, and he loves the society of holy men. But I was
telling you of the indescribable happiness I possess in having acquired
a proficiency in my mother tongue," added Long Chi the younger. "I am
blest with a poetic genius."
"Indeed!" exclaimed Zabra, with some surprise.
"Wonderful as it may appear, the fact is what I have stated," replied
the young poet, putting down the silver saucer on a small japanned table
before him, and opening the pouch at his side, from which he took a
bundle of papers. "I may say that my compositions have attracted an
extraordinary degree of attention in the world of letters. They are
considered phenomena in literature, I assure you. Do not imagine I wish
to overrate their value. I should not think of such a thing for the
thousandth part of a moment; and to prove this to you, allow me to
enrapture you with some of my effusions."
"Certainly," said Oriel, expecting at least to be amused.
"The effort of a profound sublimity I am about to breathe into your
enlightened ears, you will have the intellectual discrimination to
observe, is a perfect specimen of the true Anglian pastoral," remarked
Long Chi. "It has been created by that etherial sense of delicious
enjoyment which your ancient poets called love. She for whose immaculate
glorification it was called into existence, is a combination of
miraculous excellencies--an incarnation of inconceivable perfections;
and therefore your superior sagacities must not deem it at all more than
ordinary extraordinary, if the merits of this indestructible conception
fill you with a ravishing amazement."
"From what you have said I should expect something particularly clever,"
observed Zabra, evidently considerably amused by the poet's phraseology.
"Clever!" exclaimed the young Chinese, with emphatic fervour. "By the
great Fo you will find it supernaturally perfect." Then arranging a
rumple in his vest, and taking a glance of satisfaction at the
reflection of his person in a large mirror beside him, with a slow and
careful enunciation of each word, and a peculiar wave of the hand to
mark the measure, the melancholy poet read the following verses:--
"Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum,
Tell me did she this way come?
She it is of whom I speak
Hath a pink on either cheek;
In the middle of her face
Is a flower of nameless grace,
Which the name of nose hath known,
And blooms the brightest when 'tis blown.
And her eyes are garden plots
Filled with young forget-me-nots,
That by lovers' eyes are found
Flow'ring all the seasons round.
Shepherds did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?
"If below her nose you look,
There's a little rosy nook;
Two twin buds half open ask,
Smiling, for some fondling task,
While within, in each row,
The lilies of the valley grow.
Just beneath them both begins
The blossom of the best of chins;
Fair and round, and smooth as silk,
And like a peach fresh bathed in milk.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?
"Breast of mutton, breast of veal,
All your merits now conceal;
What can ye afford to taste
Half so pleasant, half so chaste,
As the dainty bits that lie
Hid from epicurean eye?
What to them compared are ye,
Calipash and calipee?
Go! the sweeter flesh I've known
Wants no sauce to coax it down.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?
"She of whom I'm in pursuit
Hath to these a foot 'to boot;'
Such a foot! 'tis like a rose,
Budding out with five small toes.
Calf's foot, likened as a treat,
To a jelly it would beat:
She hath two--but my regard
Makes each foot excel a yard--
Go any lengths it might reveal,
Save when she turns upon her heel.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?"
"It certainly is a superlative composition," remarked Zabra, attempting
to conceal a laugh.
"I can safely say I never heard any thing like it," added Oriel in a
similar tone.
"I entertained an incipient conviction that you would find it
marvellously admirable," replied the poet, elevating his head, and
stroking his mustachios. "'Tis ineffably divine, is it not?"
"Beautiful!" exclaimed both, looking at each other with a smile of
peculiar meaning.
"Beautiful!" echoed Long Chi, raising his voice and eyebrows. "By the
invulnerable tail of Confucius, 'tis something for which a name cannot
be found. But exquisitely perfect as it may be, here is a production
that excels it in the very unapproachableness of its excellence."
While the two friends listened with admirable patience, the young
Chinese unfolded another paper, and read with the same gravity these
lines:--
"When first we met 'twas in the spring,
When dicky birds begin to sing,
When nature dishes up her greens
To make removes for rural scenes;
And teaches, with unaltered brows,
When trees take leaf, to make their boughs;
Then first I met thee passing by,
Then first I had thee--in my eye.
"When next we met 'twas summer time,
When trees, well loaded, seemed to prime;
And other plants just taking root,
Meaning no harm, began to shoot;
When beans their hollow 'shells' would doff,
And marrow fats were going off;
Then first our hearts were growing warm,
Then first I had thee--arm in arm.
"'Twas autumn when we met again,
When sunshine parched the peas and plain;
When plums are blooming on the wall,
And into flour would gladly fall;
When apples are to fritters torn,
And earth's square feet feel many a corn:
Then first did I forget my fears,
Then first I had thee--box my ears.
"I saw thee last when winter, nice
In eating, loves to have his ice;
When 'cold without' comes near and far,
And all his sweetmeats frosted are,
To ballot when the white balls roll
Unask'd for, hastening to the poll:
Then first I 'broke the ice,' and then
Was I the happiest of men."
"That exceeds the last certainly," said Oriel Porphyry, amused with the
perfect gravity with which the poet read his verses.
"It appears to me quite a new style of poetry," remarked Zabra, with as
much seriousness as he could assume.
"Unquestionably! it is novel in the novelest degree," replied Long Chi,
smiling with all the graciousness of gratified vanity. "I may with the
most complete justice lay claim to be the origin in which originated its
originality. I have studied sublimity. By the great Fo, I may say that;
and I have found the sublime in every individual natural thing that is
in nature; but in cookery and confectionary it predominates, as must be
evident to the inquisitive investigation of any man of taste. It is the
opinion of the most discriminative judges, that no writer of serious
poetry can compete with me."
"In that opinion every one must coincide," observed Zabra.
"There can be no question on the subject," added Oriel.
"Who shall say you are barbarians, when you exhibit such a superabundant
knowledge of the beautiful?" exclaimed the Chinese, with all the energy
he could assume. "I am immeasurably enraptured to notice such an
admirable judgment; and, as an additional proof of the satisfaction
I receive from your friendly attention, I will still, to a much more
infinite extent, delight your auditory nerves with one of the most
serious of my efforts in serious poetry. Mark the true sublime; mark it
well, and see how splendidly it agrees with the magnificent subject. It
is an ode to a sugarplum."
The poet unfolded another paper; and the young merchant shrugged up his
shoulders, as he heard its contents read with the same tone and manner
as its predecessors.
"How shall I grasp a subject so immense?
No power of human sense,
Not all the vast
Ideas within the Present and the Past--
Not algebra's most unknown quantity could give the sum
Of greatness in a sugar plum!
"What with its sweetness can compete?
How much it beats the beet!
Shall manna dare,
Wanting in manners, with it to compare?
And honey's linked sweetness, long drawn out, is all a hum,
'Tis nothing to a sugar plum!
"Who can deny the sense of truth
It gives the tongue of youth?
It hath the praise
Of being always candied in its ways,
And stops the carping critic's mouth till he becometh dumb,
Delighted with a sugar plum!
"Comfit, come fit my mouth, and I
In thy sweet praise will try
My hand at feet,
With anxious aim to make the metre meet,
Till Arabic, or any other diff'rent sort of gum,
Shall water for a sugar plum.
"Muse, if thy musings can prevail,
I'll at it tooth and nail;
I have no nerves
Of taste for syrups, jellies, or preserves;
Oh, let them go to pot, say I, as so much worthless scum,
They cannot make a sugar plum.
"Bull's eyes may stick within the shop,
And so may lollapop,
Elecampane
Unsucked within its bottles may remain;
And barley sugar, brandy balls, or even balls of rum,
I'd spurn to get a sugar plum.
"Plums from the trees I do not find
So plummy to my mind;
Orleans or egg
Unnoticed for my patronage may beg;
And damsons may be da--; ah, I'm in a passion, I say mum,
I'll swear not for a sugar plum."
"You excel yourself, sir," said Oriel Porphyry, with something of
sarcasm in the tone of his voice, arising, perhaps, from his becoming a
little out of patience.
"By the unsophisticated tail of Confucius, you may say that," replied
the poet with the same seriousness he had from the first evinced.
"Having, in so unutterable a manner, obtained the precedency of my
promiscuous cotemporaries, I had no alternative but to enter into
competition with myself. That I have to so wonderful an extent exceeded
my own super-excellence, therefore, cannot be considered strange; but,
as you are evidently gratified in a manner perfectly unparalleled by
the unimaginable superiority of my poetic genius, I will show my
consideration of your admirable sagacity by enrapturing you still more
completely by a more transcendental attempt at the sublime;" and the
young Chinese began unfolding another paper.
"Not now, I'm very much obliged to you," said Oriel, rising as if to
depart. "I have business of importance that requires my immediate
attendance; and, having waited for Long Chi so long, I am afraid I
cannot protract my visit."
"Not to be ravished by the immortal praises of the adorable Fee Fo Fum?"
exclaimed the melancholy poet in the utmost astonishment.
"I cannot allow myself that pleasure at present," said the merchant's
son, courteously, yet looking as if he was impatient to be gone.
"I've written an indestructible epos in fifty cantos, descriptive of all
her beauties, with a due regard of anatomy. I'll read you the whole of
it, if you will stay," added the lover.
"I'm infinitely thankful; but my time is precious," observed Oriel,
making rapid strides to the door.
"I will enrapture you with a thousand hexameters declaratory of my
incommunicable affections," shouted the prolific versifier.
"Good morning to you, Long Chi," exclaimed Oriel Porphyry, as he opened
the door, evidently very desirous of making his escape. He was on the
point of leaving the room, accompanied by Zabra, when he was stopped in
his progress by the appearance of a stout elderly Chinese, wearing the
appearance of profound gravity. No sooner had he entered, than the poet
shuffled his papers hastily into his pouch, jumped off the divan, and
approached the stranger with looks of veneration and awe.
"Father, here are the barbarians you expected," said he. The ceremony of
introduction was soon over; the two friends returned to their seats; and
old Long Chi, seating himself cross-legged on the divan, commenced a
conversation with his visitors, while his son remained standing beside
him in respectful attention. He was dressed in a fashion somewhat
similar to that of the younger Chinese; but the materials were not so
gay, nor were they formed with so much neatness; and he wore boots
of black satin instead of slippers, and a short cloak of fine cloth
trimmed with fur.
"I have been sacrificing at the temple, which has detained me longer
than I anticipated," said Long Chi the elder. "But religion is the first
concern of life. Nothing should stand in the way of religion. The Bonzes
are the only teachers of truth; and the worship of Fo is the only way
that leads to virtue."
Neither Zabra nor his patron attempted to dispute this doctrine.
"I have been reading, father," falteringly uttered the poet--"I have
been reading----"
"Hold your tongue, Long Chi," exclaimed his parent sharply.
"Father, I obey," murmured the obedient youth.
"Obedience is the first of virtues, and duty to parents the first of all
obedience," remarked the old man, with a tone that seemed to his son
more infallible than the sentence. "Children, obey your parents, saith
our religion; and if they are disobedient we give them a touch of the
bamboo." The poet at this moment looked remarkably grave. "Subjects,
obey your rulers, saith the law; and if we become unruly _we_ get a
touch of the bamboo." And the father looked as grave as his son.
"That is, I suppose, what is called being bamboo-zled," observed Oriel
Porphyry with a smile.
"It is no laughing matter to us, I can assure you," added the old man
feelingly; "but it is a fine thing for children. Our religion says,
Spare the bamboo, and spoil the child: and I'm attentive to religion."
"I wish it said, Spoil the bamboo, and----"
"Hold your tongue, Long Chi!" thundered out the parent.
"Father, I obey," tremblingly replied the son.
"The bastinado is the best thing in the world for children," continued
the elder, frowning upon his offspring. "We are obliged to provide for
their bodies, and it is but proper we should do what we can for their
soles. When a schism occurs in the family, I always punish it in that
way."
"Then it becomes a sole-cism," added the young man, sorrowfully.
The old Chinese snatched up a heavy bamboo cane with which he had been
walking, and swung it furiously round his head, with the intention of
dealing a severe blow upon the poet's shoulders, but the lover of
the adorable Fee Fo Fum jumped out of the way with more agility than
submission, and the blow chipped off a corner of the japanned table.
"Is this the way you show your obedience, you undutiful wretch?" shouted
Long Chi, as he jumped off the divan, in a rage after the offender.
"Where's your religion? Where's your duty to parents? Spare the bamboo
and spoil the child! Come and be bastinadoed, you ungrateful youth!"
So saying, he waddled after his son as rapidly as he could, making
desperate attempts to knock him down; but as Long Chi the younger not
only was not so dutiful as to wait to be bastinadoed, but jumped out of
the way of the blows as fast as they were aimed at him, Long Chi the
elder, much fatigued by his exertions, at last returned to the divan,
after having afforded infinite diversion to his visitors.
"I wonder the roof doesn't fall in and cover you, you unnatural
offspring!" exclaimed the father, shaking the bamboo at his son, who
stood trembling at a respectful distance; then wiping the perspiration
from his shaven crown, he added, addressing the young friends, and the
poet, by turns, "You are shocked, no doubt, at this instance of youthful
depravity--Oh the graceless scoundrel! to run away from his affectionate
father, who was going to beat him black and blue!--But I am happy to
say, that there are few children in China so indifferent to the mild
virtues of paternal government.--Come here, and let me knock your
undutiful head into a thousand pieces, you vagabond!--It is a sad thing,
I acknowledge, for the father of a family, who is anxious to bring up
a child in the way it should go, to find it so insensible of his
loving-kindness.--Oh, if I had you near enough, I'd smash you into a
custard, you graceless varlet!--but you see a parent's heart is always
overflowing with natural affection for his own flesh and blood.--By the
great Fo, I should be delighted to bastinado you within an inch of your
life!--Religion and morality, in these atheistical times, are thought
nothing of by some children.--Haven't I brought you up, you heathen! on
purpose to knock you down?--But this isn't the worst of it--they have
become rank republicans. They have no proper notion of law, order, or
government. When the father takes to his bamboo, the son takes to his
heels--abominable rebel!--and when one flies in a passion the other
flies in his face--unparalleled traitor!"
The entrance of servants, announcing that dinner was ready, put an end
to the altercation; and Long Chi the elder, with much suavity, pressed
his visitors to remain his guests for the remainder of the day; which
invitation Oriel Porphyry, imagining that he should be free from all
persecution from the rhyming propensities of his host's son, and
expecting some amusement from the peculiarities of the two, forgot his
engagements, and agreed to prolong his visit. Long Chi the elder then
took one hand of each of his guests in his own and proceeded with them
into a handsome apartment, furnished in a style similar to the one they
had left. In the centre was a small low table, having four seats or
cushions at its sides. The father and son sat opposite each other,
cross-legged: and their visitors sat as comfortably as they could,
facing each other, at the other sides of the table. Before each was
placed three elegant porcelain saucers, one containing soy, another a
small quantity of vinegar, and the other was empty; and, beside these,
were two little ivory sticks. The other part of the table was covered
with similar porcelain saucers, filled with various specimens of Chinese
cookery in fish, flesh, and fowl, cut small; and servants handed round
these with dishes of vegetables, such as cabbages, cucumbers, rice, and
cauliflowers; and pastry of many different kinds, as they were directed
by the host.