You did right to send me that letter. Of course, I am sorry to hear
from you in that way, but am glad that you wrote. Let me tell you
something--will you believe it? You are not in nearly such a bad way
as you think, and your letter, which you sent me unreservedly, shews
it. Can you not, from the ordinary standpoint of worldly wisdom, see
it so? For your letter shews this; a mind and lower nature in a whirl,
not in the ordinary sense, but as though, figuratively speaking, it
were whirling in a narrow circle, seemingly dead, kept alive by its own
motion. And above it a human soul, not in any hurry, but waiting for
its hour to strike. And I tell you that I know it will strike.
If so far as your personal consciousness goes you have lost all desire
for progress, for service, for the inner life--what has that to do
with it? Do you not think that others have had to go through with
all of that and worse; a positive aversion, may be, with everything
connected with Theosophy? Do you not know that it takes a nature with
some strength in it to sink very low, and that the mere fact of having
the power to sink low may mean that the same person in time may rise to
a proportionately greater height? That is not the highest path to go
but it is one that many have to tread. The highest is that which goes
with little variation, but few are strong enough to keep up the never
ceasing strain. Time alone can give them that strength and many ages of
service. But meanwhile there is that other to be travelled. Travel it
bravely.
You have got the ----, which of the hells do you think you are in? Try
to find out and look at the corresponding heaven. It is very near. And
I do not say this to bolster you up artificially, for that would be of
no use and would not last, even if I were to succeed in doing it. I
write of facts and I think that somewhere in your nature you are quite
well aware that I do so.
Now what is to be done: * * * * In my opinion you should deliberately
give yourself a year's trial. Write and tell me at the end of that year
(and meantime as often as you feel called upon to do so, which will
not be very often) how you then feel, and if you do not feel inclined
to go on and stick to it I will help you all I can. But you must do it
yourself, in spite of not wanting to do it. You can.
Make up your mind that in some part of your nature somewhere there is
that which desires to be of use to the world. Intellectually realise
that that world is not too well off and probably wants a helping hand.
Recognise mentally that you should try to work for it sooner or later.
Admit to yourself that another part of your nature--and if possible see
that it is the lower part--does not care in the least about the world
or its future, but that such care and interest should be cultivated.
This cultivation will of course take time: all cultivation does. Begin
by degrees. Assert constantly to yourself that you intend to work and
that you will do so. Keep that up all the time. Do not put any time
limit to it, but take up the attitude that you are working towards that
end. Begin by doing ten minutes' work every day of any sort, study,
or the addressing of envelopes, or anything, so long as it be done
deliberately and with that object in view. If a day comes when this is
too irksome, knock it off for that day. Give yourself three or four
days' rest and do it deliberately. Then go back to your ten minutes'
work. At the end of six or seven weeks you will know what to add to
that practice: but go slowly, do nothing in a hurry, be deliberate.
Don't try to feel more friendly to this or that person--more actively
friendly I should have said. Such things must spring up of their own
accord and will do so in time. But do not feel surprised that you
feel _all_ compassion die out of you in some ways. That too is an old
story. It is all right because it does not last. Do not be too anxious
to get results from the practice I have outlined above. Do not look
for any: you have no concern with them if you do all that as a duty.
And finally, do not forget, my dear fellow, that the dead do come to
life and that the coldest thing in the world may be made hot by gentle
friction. So I wish you luck, and wish I could do more for you. But I
will do what I can.