SCENE--_The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine
constructed to reveal the character and future of a person
according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small
consideration of one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are
examining it._
_First Pleasure-seeker_ (_a sprightly young lady of the name of
LOTTIE_). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character from the
colour of your 'air." I wonder what they'll 'ave _next_!
_Second Pl.-s._ (_her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink
eyelids and faming hair, addressed as 'ECTOR by his intimates_). Ah,
it's surprising how far they've got, it reelly is. And beginning with
butter-scotch, too!
_Aunt Maria_. Come on, do--you don't want to waste no more time over
that rubbidge!
_Fourth Pl.-s._ (_a lanky youth, with pale hair and a receding chin,
to his fiancée_). Hadn't we better be making a move if we're going to
'ear the band, CARRIE?
_Carrie_. I shall move on when I _like_, without your leave, FREDDY;
so make no mistake.
_Freddy_. Oh, _I_'m in no 'urry. I only thought your Aunt was
getting--but don't mind me. [CARRIE _does not mind him._
_Dolph_. (_the funny man of the party_). 'Old on a bit! I've got some
coppers. I'm going to sample this concern. I'll put in for all of
you--it's _my_ treat, this is. We'll begin with Aunt MARIA. What
colour do you call _your_ 'air now? I don't see any slot marked
"cawfy-colour."
_Aunt Maria_. Never _you_ mind what colour my 'air is--it's a pity you
can't find a better use for your pennies.
_Dolph_. (_inserting a penny in a slot marked "Light Brown"_). 'Ere
goes, the oracle's working. (_The machine emits a coloured card._)
Listen to what it says about Aunt MARIA. She is--"tender-'arted." Jest
what I've always said of her! "A little 'asty in her temper"--'ullo,
must be a 'itch in the machinery, _there_!--"neither obstinate nor
'aughty"--(_A snort from Aunt MARIA at this_)--"her inclination to
love never unreasonable." 'Ow _like_ her! "Frolicsome, inclined to
flirt and sometimes mischievous." You _giddy_ little thing! Up to
all your little tricks, this machine is! "Fertile in imagination,
domesticated, thoughtful and persevering"--There's Aunt MARIA for yer!
_General Chorus_. Good old Aunt MARIA!
_Dolph_. There's a prophecy on blue paper from _Napoleon's Book of
Fate_, gratis. (_Reads._) "Thy 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss if
thou lendest thy money." Just when I was going to borrow arf-a-crown
off of her too!
_Aunt Maria_. Ah, I didn't want no machine for _that_. 'Ow you can
patronise such rubbidge, _I_ don't know! Tellin' characters by the
colour of your 'air, indeed--it's told _mine_ all wrong, anyhow!
_Dolph_. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would deceive _any_
machine! [_Movement on part of Aunt MARIA._
_Lottie_. Put in for 'ECTOR next, DOLPH, do. I want to hear what it
says about him.
_Dolph_. They don't keep _his_ colour in stock--afraid o' losing their
insurance policy. "Red or orbun's" the nearest they can get to
it. (_He puts in a penny in the "Red" slot._) Here's old 'ECTOR.
(_Reads._) "The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless
disposition, constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, LOTTIE!
"Impatient and fiery in temper"--_'Old_ 'im, two of yer?--"but for all
that, is kind and loving." You _needn't_ 'old him--it's all right. "He
is passionately fond of the fair sex." What _all_ of 'em, 'ECTOR?
I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to timidity"--Oo'd ha' thought
it?--"but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage."
You start reflecting at _once_, old chap!
_'Ector_ (_ominously, to LOTTIE_). If DOLPH don't mind what he's
about, he'll go too far some day!
[_He breathes hard, then thinks better of it._
_Dolph_. Now it's CARRIE's turn. "Leave you out?" Couldn't think of
it. Brown 'air, CARRIE's is. (_He puts in a penny._) "A Lady with
'air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth"--_Is_ your 'air long
though, CARRIE?
_Carrie_ (_with pride_). I should hope so--I can set on it.
_Dolph_. That's nothing! So can Aunt MARIA set on _hers_! (_With a
glance at that Lady's very candid "front."_) _Can't_ you, Auntie,
eh? If you make a effort?
_Aunt Maria_ (_with dignity_). I'll thank you to 'ave the goodness
to drop your sauce, Mr. ADOLPHUS GAGGS; it's out of place and not
appreciated, I can assure you! [_She walks away._
_Dolph_. (_surprised_). Why, there's Aunt MARIA got the 'ump--for a
little thing like _that_! Let me finish with CARRIE. (_Reads._) "She
is of an intellectual turn of mind." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from FREDDY._)
"Very fond of reading." Takes in _Sloper's 'Alf 'Oliday_ regular!
"Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, CARRIE!
_Carrie_ (_firing up_). Well, have you anything to say against that?
You'd better take care, Mr. GAGGS!
_Dolph_. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been squaring this
machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths here--"Although inquisitive
and fond of prying into the secrets of others--" Now however did it
know _that_?
_Carrie_. It isn't there--you're making it up!
[_She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up._
_Dolph_. Temper--temper! Never mind. Now we'll try FREDDY. What's his
shade of 'air? I should say about the colour of spoilt 'ay, if I was
asked.
_Carrie_ (_with temper_). You're _not_ asked, so you needn't give your
opinion!
_Dolph_. Well, keep _your_ 'air on, my dear girl, and we'll call
FREDDY's "Fair." (_Reading card._) "A gentleman with this colour of
hair will be assiduous in his occupation--"
_Carrie_ (_warmly_). What a shame! I'm _sure_ he isn't. _Are_ you,
FREDDY? [_FREDDY smiles vaguely._
_Dolph_. "Not given to rambling,"--Except in his 'ed,--"very moderate
in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection, inclined to
be 'asty-tempered, and, when aroused,"--'Ere, somebody, rouse FREDDY,
quick!--"to use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em _'ere_, FREDDY! "But if
reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased." Pat his 'ed, CARRIE, will
yer? "Has plenty of bantering humour." (_Here FREDDY grins feebly._)
Don't he _look_ it too! "Should study his diet." That means his
grub, and he works 'ard enough at that! "He has a combination of good
commercial talents, which, if directed according to the reflection
of the sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world's
goods."
_Carrie_ (_puzzled_). What's it torking about _now_?
_Dolph_. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in the cat's-meat
line. Now for your fortune, FREDDY. "It will be through marriage that
your future will be brightened."
_Carrie_ (_pleased_). Lor, FREDDY, think o' that!
_Dolph_. Think _twice_ of it, FREDDY, my boy. Now we'll be off and get
a drink.
_Carrie_. Wait. We haven't got _your_ character yet, Mr. GAGGS!
_Dolph_. Oh, mine--they couldn't give that for a penny. Too good, yer
know!
_Carrie_. If they haven't got it, it's more likely they're afraid it
would break the machine. I'm going to put in for you under "Black."
(_She does._) Here we are. (_Reads._) "The gentleman will be much
given to liquor." Found out first time, you see, Mr. GAGGS!
_Dolph_. (_annoyed_). Come, no personalities now. Drop all that!
_Carrie_. "Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper; more
decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently
meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen"--now you listen to
this, Mr. GAGGS!--"will now know their weaknesses, which should induce
them to take steps to improve themselves." (_"'Ear, 'ear!" from the
rest of the party._) "Knowledge is power, and enables us to overcome
many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to." This is your
fortune. "Thou art warned to be careful what thou drinkest!" Well,
they do seem to _know_ you, I must say!
_Dolph_. (_in a white rage_). I tell you what it is, Miss CARRIE
BICKERTON, you appear to me to be turning a 'armless joke into a
mejium for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not
going to put up with it, whatever others may! So, not being partial
to being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll
leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you
a very good-night!
[_He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party
stupefied._
_'Ector_. (_with mild regret_). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant
as we were together, till this come up!
_Freddy_. And CARRIE's Aunt MARIA. gone off in a tantrum, too. We
shall have a job to find _'er_ now!
_Lottie and Carrie_. Oh, _do_ hold your tongues, both of you. You and
your automatic machines!
_'Ector and Freddy_. _Our_ automatic machines! Why, we never--
_Lottie and Carrie_. If you say one word more, either of you, we'll
go home! [_FREDDY and 'ECTOR follow them meekly in search of Aunt
MARIA as the Scene closes in._
* * * * *