Reminiscence
"What man thinks of as solid "truths" could be obliterated once one has
passed from worldly existence . . . "
"one's beliefs, once established, remain a cane to lean upon throughout
those times of uncertainty and change."
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Reminiscence
I was reflecting how some people lump together instances which,
personally, I feel are complete opposites. Case in point; the
dissimilarity, in my opinion between telling a person he has a piece of
cake on his chin and telling someone he has a pimple on his forehead.
I would be grateful to the person who would say, with discretion, that
food had somehow missed my mouth and had adhered to the skin
surrounding my mouth. There is nothing more degrading than to have had
a lovely luncheon, followed by a shopping spree, only to discover upon
looking in the mirror at 5:30 p.m. that you'd been carrying a splotch
of cake on your face for the better part of the day. In the event that
someone announces that you have a blemish on your face, however, I feel
nothing short of mild revulsion toward that individual for augmenting
an embarrassment which you've already acknowledged to yourself upon
awakening. Chances are that you are fully aware of the exact longitude
and latitude of the facial offender which so hatefully appeared on your
face. I simply feel that comments of that nature are unnecessary
because there is absolutely nothing you can do except to hope it exits
as rapidly as it made it's debut. Unlike the piece of cake which can
be whisked away after its detection, the blemish remains until full
maturity and disappears only when it is quite prepared to do so!
Thus ends my dissertation on facial concerns.
Much of the fear that I now perceive deals with the question of where I
would go should I outlive Mom and Dad. I feel so utterly dependant
upon them, especially given the condition of my health and my inability
to earn a living of my own. I had depended on Norm in the event I
should have more years of life than my parents; we had said we could
live together, and my worries were somewhat allayed. I hope I will die
before them, although I realize this would hurt them deeply. Hidden
inside me is, perhaps, a coward which seeks the road of least
resistance. Given my past degree of luck, however, I'm sure that my
wishes will not come true. One must take those things in life which
are difficult to endure and attempt to grow with each new development.
Life seems unable to be a "no load" experience; perhaps it is
impossible to think that the sunshine and the rain maintain equal
balance.
Feb. 2, 1984... It was good to drive Norm's Chevette today. It seemed
the barrier was broken and I was comforted; also to know that I could get
out, that I could drive the car with competence and at the same time,
I could feel close to Norm. It's easier to shift than Dad's Chevy truck.
Feb.7, 1984... Some of the reason I felt so bad that awful Monday
and Tuesday was the feeling that it should've been me. It was as if an
angel came to retrieve a soul at 5440 and got the wrong room. Everyone
was expecting me to die, and it would have been a lot easier...
Feb. 11, 1984... It began to storm around 12:30 while I was still
down-stairs. I've never experienced such a loud and brilliant display of
nature's fireworks at such an unlikely time of the year. Upon hearing
the noise, I elected to turn off the T.V.in favor of listening to and
observing the lightning. It was quite intense for a brief period of
ten minutes or thereabouts. I wish it would continue to storm
throughout the passage of the night. . . it would effectively break
the monotony of sleep.
Feb. 12, 1984... Sunday's just aren't the same... it was a gray and misty
day, temperature of 52. I guess the committee at Church went to the
Bishop to obtain a replacement for Rev. Hess. I'll miss him...he was
the only minister with whom I felt at ease to express my true feelings.
With others, I was backed up against a wall. I must believe as they
did. . .if God knowingly created man as imperfect beings which had to
attain greater knowledge through experience, how could He
simultaneously punish them for eternity simply because they doubted His
existence or some of His principles? It would, in my opinion, be folly
for Him to place such a temptation as Knowledge (the apple) within
man's perception and then command him to shun it at all costs; an
all-knowing Being, God would have already been aware that man, yet a
child in mentality, couldn't resist such a command, just as a child
is unable to keep his hands in his pockets in a souvenir shop.
Man has a mind for a purpose; to think, to inquire into the unknown,
to rationalize the meaning of this complex universe. If God had not
wanted man to think, he would have created man as an imbecile, and would
never have placed an apple tree in Eden. I feel that through
questioning, one grows. No man knows of that which comes after life on
earth. One can only hope for serenity; the certainty of heaven is yet
a dream, to claim otherwise violates all sense of rationality. What
man thinks of as solid "truths" could be obliterated once one has
passed from worldly existence; perhaps "truths" could just as rapidly
change through higher vision on earth. The longer I live, the more I
realize that nothing is certain and binding. One can simply hold beliefs
with the hope that they are at least true in part. Knowledge can
undergo change as quickly as a new discovery is made which breaks a
former "law" of nature; one's beliefs, once established, remain a cane
to lean upon throughout those times of uncertainty and change. If those
personal beliefs accommodate room for such change, one's growth is not
stunted; rather, one is able to rise above the poison and find fresh air
once again.
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