The population of our globe, at any given moment, approximates two
thousand millions; the section of Immensity visible from it includes
some hundred million worlds, most of which, probably, all, possibly,
are proportionately inhabited. How much conceit, per cubic inch of his
moral and mental capacity, is deducible from a solitary human unit
bent on glorifying his own transitory crumb of existence by way of an
autobiographical memoir?
It sounds absurd, in whatever terms of dynamics one explains that
unit. There may be a force imprisoned in a grain enough to wreck a
continent; but, even then, what is a continent to infinity? The unit
is as nothing, though he be as packed with condensed power as a
cordite shell: he is one speck of cosmic dust, myriad-accompanied,
travelling swiftly across a sunbeam from darkness to extinction: he is
vivified into his brief moment of meaningless excitement about
nothing, and he ends as meaninglessly. Relatively he is of no more
account, points no more original moral, than any other of his
microscopic relations. Gladness, hope, disillusionment--so runs the
scale with them and him, so it has run, so it will always run. There
may be notes beyond the mortal gamut, colours outside the rainbow; for
living knowledge, for living guidance they neither exist nor have
existed. He just runs up the keys, from bass to treble, runs out at
the end--ceases.
And yet he will always be talking about himself--and why? Because, I
think, in his conscious indestructibility, he is himself in epitome
the whole wonder, tragedy and mystery of Creation. He feels these all
in his own soul as an individual possession, and feels that they would
be his, though his soul lived in utter solitude apart from its
fellows--nay, apart from its body. They are the things to be discussed
and recorded, and, because they are him, he must have the conceit of
his immortality. He never views them in his heart as ephemeral; they
do not cease with his material being. Wherefore it is that we are
eternally compelled to regard ourselves, our little passions and our
brief histories, as stories not ended but begun; and wherefore it is
that, in spite of all our cosmic diminutiveness, Fifine and I shall
feel as entitled as any others to talk about ourselves.
And what will it all matter in a few years’ time? I am more reasonable
than most rationalists, and I say I don’t know. Nothing may matter; or
so much, that any philosophical callousness to which I resolved to
discipline my soul now might be found to have worked its own
retribution in our eternal severance. I will not risk that, whatever
my scepticisms or beliefs; nor could I if I would. Something has
suffered in me a “sea-change,” which makes such a mood for ever more
unattainable; and, if I appear resigned or indifferent, it is for
pride and the world’s sake. There are some feelings we would not share
even with a divinely sympathetic archangel.
It is not to be supposed, however, that all this time my intelligent
interests were summed up in Fifine and her affairs. Somebody once said
of me--wittily as he supposed and as I did not--that I had got too
many irons in my fire ever to let it burn properly. He meant, of
course, that I was not one of those monomaniacs who cannot pursue one
ideal unless they neglect all others. Well, I am not, and, if I lose
anything by the fact, it is not interest. Were we made omnivorous, I
should like to know, to feed on boiled rice or beans? The man who
could “pinch” his own soul of buds, like a prize chrysanthemum, in
order to develop one monstrous head, was always a fool to me. _I_
prefer, improving upon Ancient Pistol, to make the world not only mine
oyster, but my pepper, my Chablis, my feast of a hundred dishes from
hors-d’œuvre to savoury; and so, if you like, the last decanter being
drained, to sleep under the table. Most properly, Death is the only
drunkard who never wakes with a headache.
Well, Fifine interested me; but Fifine was not my universe. I can
recall quite a number of subjects in which I was more or less immersed
during those early days of our comradeship: correspondences with Galt,
of the English Meteorological Society, on the question of
climatological changes in the upper air strata, with some suggestions
for an improved recording instrument; with Hénault, of the geological
department of the Jardin des Plantes, on the formations of the Rhone
delta, especially as regarded the aluminium beds of les Baux, and with
others on the same or kindred subjects. Then I was engaged with
Gondran, a practical mechanic, in elaborating a design for a bicycle
to be part driven by a dynamo-electric screw, the details of which it
gave me infinite pleasure to work out; and I was writing a paper for
an Art Magazine on Pigments and their Mediums, with a discursus on the
genesis and growth of Art, its psychological necessity and devolution.
That last was a subject inviting some minor collaboration; and my
treatment of it owed in certain small details to my companion. We used
to worry the thing together, and extract a good deal of amusement out
of it. Why, given reality, human nature should have come to desire its
artificial presentment: the necessity of gathering generalities to a
focus for their better understanding and appreciation: emotion
epitomised, as spirit is produced by condensation of diffuser liquids:
the inexplicable charm of reflected images, originating very possibly
the idea of framed pictures: the permanent recording of heroic deeds,
leading by a natural process to the appropriation of design to
ignobler and less masculine uses--such points, and fifty others, were
suggested and discussed between us, until they began to assume an
orderly progression in my mind. And presently the article was written,
which I am free to confess it would likely have been less promptly
without Fifine’s intervention.
Still, for the most part, my interests were continued independently of
her; though I will not say they borrowed no additional relish from her
neighbourhood. Pursuing them, it was like--to use a base
simile--working with a dram at one’s elbow. To “sip” her in the
intervals of reflection was to find one’s hand surer, one’s brain
brighter. Then one day it occurred to me that I was getting rather to
depend on this moral stimulant, and that I might feel somewhat lost
when, in the nature of things, it should be withdrawn. That
consideration surprised me into an effort to do without it, by
affecting more exclusiveness in my labours; but the effort was not a
success.
I don’t know why it was (or do I or did I?); but a favourite topic
with Fifine was class distinctions. She frequently recurred to it, and
always, it seemed, with a desire to enlist my sympathies on the side
of the proletariat--with the kindly intention, perhaps, to put me on
good terms with my own less distinguished origin. I took, however,
rather a mischievous pleasure in bewildering her--and sometimes
myself--as to my sentiments on the subject, though mostly I let her
suppose my predilections to be for the “classes”--as thus:--
“The people are the people and will remain the people, not because
they are wronged and oppressed, but because they are deficient in
certain qualities of the superpeople. Not all the efforts of democrats
earnest or democrats self-interested will ever close up and obliterate
the line of cleavage; no social reform whatever will make the two one
except in name. It is a state of mind, not of condition, which
separates them; and that, not class tyranny, was the origin of the
division. I think the question of education has nothing to do with it;
we have all the same opportunities in that respect. But I think the
question of happiness has a great deal to do with it. The people, for
all the material misery which infects their masses, are nearer Nature,
and therefore further from self-consciousness, than the superpeople,
and on that account happier. Finally, the people do not aim at being
anything higher than themselves: they aim--and that only when worked
upon by demagogues--at reducing the superpeople to their own level.”
“Then anyhow you think the people happier than the superpeople?” says
Fifine.
“It seems so.”
Her bosom swelled to a little sigh (she was sitting to me at the
moment), and the meditative brown eyes seemed to search me for some
reassuring sign.
“Then,” said she, “if I were you, I should know, without any question
of qualities, where to seek for happiness.”
“Among the people? And you can say that, remembering the happiness I
told you I derived from your high-born condescension?”
She sat back, with a little impatient gesture.
“I wish, for once, you would treat me as an intelligent being,” she
said, “and not always with that sort of bantering flippancy. It is not
in the least funny, and does not in the least take me in. I don’t
condescend, and you know I don’t; and, if I did, the only malicious
pleasure you would derive from it would be in laughing in your sleeve
at my silly vanity. Sometimes, from my lower place, I wonder if you
are really as clever as you would like to appear. Are you?”
I could only glance up with a modest expression.
“There was once a great Englishman, Fifine, whose name was Bacon, and
he had a pet proverb, ‘The vale best discovereth the hills.’ Am I, you
ask? I leave it to you.”
“Then I think you are not.”
“Ah! Then now I grant your intelligence, and I will never banter you
again. Sit quiet a little. Do you know I am nearly at the end of my
task?”
She did not answer, and I worked on. She had never from the start been
permitted to see the portrait: it was to be a surprise to her--and,
possibly, a revelation. Absorbed in some final technical detail, I did
not look at her again; until presently, putting down my palette and
brushes with a grunt of satisfied relinquishment, I leaned back and
our eyes met.
“My dear child!” I said: “Fifine, my dear child!”
She rose, as I rose; but I hurried to stop her before she could
escape.
“What is it, m’amie? You were not really hurt by my tone? Why I never
thought your interest in the question was any but a mildly
controversial one. I would not have laughed at you for one moment,
Fifine, if I had believed you serious.”
“Yes,” she said, trying resolutely to blink back the drops that would
yet collect and fall; “and I wasn’t serious, of course. I don’t know;
but perhaps--perhaps this confinement _is_ beginning to tell on me a
little; and the long sitting was trying.”
“It is the last,” I answered. “Come and look, Fifine, and speak your
mind about it.”
She needed no coaxing; she was the remotest from your weeping woman,
obstinate and self-pitying. I took her hand, and she came at once, and
stood with me before the picture.
She did not speak for a long time; but at length she turned to me, and
I was content in the guerdon of her look.
“Felix,” she said softly, “women are really of coarser fibre than men.
You see us not as we are, but as your transcendent imaginations paint
us. And we know that well enough; and that is why we will always
submit to the judgment of men, rather than to that of our own sex, who
know the truth.”
“You are pleased, Fifine?”
“That you can see this in me? I should not be a woman otherwise.”
“But, with the style--the technique?”
“It is all beautiful; only--only you have not yet painted what I can
understand.”
“Not?”
“No--how I can look like this--to you, to any one.”
I knew her very well. There was no coquetry, no fishing for a
compliment in what she said. Suddenly she turned, and approached her
face one instant towards mine--God knows on what emotional impulse. It
was checked as soon as felt; a vivid flush overspread her cheek.
“I am very tired,” she murmured. “I think I will go and lie down for a
little. Vive le maître!”
“Fifine!” I exclaimed; but she was already at the door of her room.