PATIOMKIN. Thas true. Drungn ruffian. Took dvantage of my being drunk.
Said: take me to Lil angel Mother. Take me to beaufl Empress. Take me
to the grea'st woman on earth. Thas whas he he said. I took him. I was
wrong. I am not sober.
CATHERINE. Men have grown sober in Siberia for less, Prince.
PATIOMKIN. Serve em right! Sgusting habit. Ask Varinka.
Catherine turns her face from him to the Court. The courtiers see that
she is trying not to laugh, and know by experience that she will not
succeed. They rise, relieved and grinning.
VARINKA. It is true. He drinks like a pig.
PATIOMKIN [plaintively]. No: not like pig. Like prince. Lil Mother made
poor Patiomkin prince. Whas use being prince if I mayn't drink?
CATHERINE [biting her lips]. Go. I am offended.
PATIOMKIN. Don't scold, Lil Mother.
CATHERINE [imperiously]. Go.
PATIOMKIN [rising unsteadily]. Yes: go. Go bye bye. Very sleepy. Berr go
bye bye than go Siberia. Go bye bye in Lil Mother's bed [he pretends to
make an attempt to get into the bed].
CATHERINE [energetically pulling him back]. No, no! Patiomkin! What
are you thinking of? [He falls like a log on the floor, apparently dead
drunk.]
THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF. Scandalous! An insult to your Imperial Majesty!
CATHERINE. Dashkoff: you have no sense of humor. [She steps down to the
door level and looks indulgently at Patiomkin. He gurgles brutishly. She
has an impulse of disgust.] Hog. [She kicks him as hard as she can.] Oh!
You have broken my toe. Brute. Beast. Dashkoff is quite right. Do you
hear?
PATIOMKIN. If you ask my pi-pinion of Dashkoff, my pipinion is that
Dashkoff is drunk. Scanlous. Poor Patiomkin go bye bye. [He relapses
into drunken slumbers.]
Some of the courtiers move to carry him away.
CATHERINE [stopping them]. Let him lie. Let him sleep it off. If he
goes out it will be to a tavern and low company for the rest of the day.
[Indulgently.] There! [She takes a pillow from the bed and puts it under
his head: then turns to Edstaston: surveys him with perfect dignity: and
asks, in her queenliest manner.] Varinka, who is this gentleman?
VARINKA. A foreign captain: I cannot pronounce his name. I think he is
mad. He came to the Prince and said he must see your Majesty. He can
talk of nothing else. We could not prevent him.
EDSTASTON [overwhelmed by this apparent betrayal]. Oh! Madam: I am
perfectly sane: I am actually an Englishman. I should never have dreamt
of approaching your Majesty without the fullest credentials. I have
letters from the English ambassador, from the Prussian ambassador.
[Naively.] But everybody assured me that Prince Patiomkm is all-powerful
with your Majesty; so I naturally applied to him.
PATIOMKIN [interrupts the conversation by an agonized wheezing groan as
of a donkey beginning to bray]!!!
CATHERINE [like a fishfag]. Schweig, du Hund. [Resuming her impressive
royal manner.] Have you never been taught, sir, how a gentleman should
enter the presence of a sovereign?
EDSTASTON. Yes, Madam; but I did not enter your presence: I was carried.
CATHERINE. But you say you asked the Prince to carry you.
EDSTASTON. Certainly not, Madam. I protested against it with all my
might. I appeal to this lady to confirm me.
VARINKA [pretending to be indignant]. Yes, you protested. But, all the
same, you were very very very anxious to see her Imperial Majesty.
You blushed when the Prince spoke of her. You threatened to strike him
across the face with your sword because you thought he did not speak
enthusiastically enough of her. [To Catherine.] Trust me: he has seen
your Imperial Majesty before.
CATHERINE [to Edstaston]. You have seen us before?
EDSTASTON. At the review, Madam.
VARINKA [triumphantly]. Aha! I knew it. Your Majesty wore the hussar
uniform. He saw how radiant! how splendid! your Majesty looked. Oh! he
has dared to admire your Majesty. Such insolence is not to be endured.
EDSTASTON. All Europe is a party to that insolence, Madam.
THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF. All Europe is content to do so at a respectful
distance. It is possible to admire her Majesty's policy and her eminence
in literature and philosophy without performing acrobatic feats in the
Imperial bed.
EDSTASTON. I know nothing about her Majesty's eminence in policy or
philosophy: I don't pretend to understand such things. I speak as a
practical man. And I never knew that foreigners had any policy: I always
thought that policy was Mr. Pitt's business.
CATHERINE [lifting her eyebrows]. So?
VARINKA. What else did you presume to admire her Majesty for, pray?
EDSTASTON [addled]. Well, I--I--I--that is, I--[He stammers himself
dumb.]
CATHERINE [after a pitiless silence]. We are waiting for your answer.
EDSTASTON. But I never said I admired your Majesty. The lady has twisted
my words.
VARINKA. You don't admire her, then?
EDSTASTON. Well, I--naturally--of course, I can't deny that the uniform
was very becoming--perhaps a little unfeminine--still--Dead silence.
Catherine and the Court watch him stonily. He is wretchedly embarrassed.
CATHERINE [with cold majesty]. Well, sir: is that all you have to say?
EDSTASTON. Surely there is no harm in noticing that er--that er--[He
stops again.]
CATHERINE. Noticing that er--? [He gazes at her, speechless, like a
fascinated rabbit. She repeats fiercely.] That er--?
EDSTASTON [startled into speech]. Well, that your Majesty
was--was--[soothingly] Well, let me put it this way: that it was rather
natural for a man to admire your Majesty without being a philosopher.
CATHERINE [suddenly smiling and extending her hand to him to be kissed].
Courtier!
EDSTASTON [kissing it]. Not at all. Your Majesty is very good. I have
been very awkward; but I did not intend it. I am rather stupid, I am
afraid.
CATHERINE. Stupid! By no means. Courage, Captain: we are pleased. [He
falls on his knee. She takes his cheeks in her hands: turns up his face:
and adds] We are greatly pleased. [She slaps his cheek coquettishly: he
bows almost to his knee.] The petit lever is over. [She turns to go into
the cabinet, and stumbles against the supine Patiomkin.] Ach! [Edstaston
springs to her assistance, seizing Patiomkin's heels and shifting him
out of the Empress's path.] We thank you, Captain.
He bows gallantly and is rewarded by a very gracious smile. Then
Catherine goes into her cabinet, followed by the princess Dashkoff, who
turns at the door to make a deep courtsey to Edstaston.
VARINKA. Happy Little Father! Remember: I did this for you. [She runs
out after the Empress.]
Edstaston, somewhat dazed, crosses the room to the courtiers, and is
received with marked deference, each courtier making him a profound bow
or curtsey before withdrawing through the central doors. He returns
each obeisance with a nervous jerk, and turns away from it, only to find
another courtier bowing at the other side. The process finally reduced
him to distraction, as he bumps into one in the act of bowing to another
and then has to bow his apologies. But at last they are all gone except
Naryshkin.
EDSTASTON. Ouf!
PATIOMKIN [jumping up vigorously]. You have done it, darling. Superbly!
Beautifully!
EDSTASTON [astonished]. Do you mean to say you are not drunk?
PATIOMKIN. Not dead drunk, darling. Only diplomatically drunk. As a
drunken hog, I have done for you in five minutes what I could not have
done in five months as a sober man. Your fortune is made. She likes you.
EDSTASTON. The devil she does!
PATIOMKIN. Why? Aren't you delighted?
EDSTASTON. Delighted! Gracious heavens, man, I am engaged to be married.
PATIOMKIN. What matter? She is in England, isn't she?
EDSTASTON. No. She has just arrived in St. Petersburg.
THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF [returning]. Captain Edstaston, the Empress is
robed, and commands your presence.
EDSTASTON. Say I was gone before you arrived with the message. [He
hurries out. The other three, too taken aback to stop him, stare after
him in the utmost astonishment.]
NARYSHKIN [turning from the door]. She will have him knouted. He is a
dead man.
THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF. But what am I to do? I cannot take such an answer
to the Empress.
PATIOMKIN. P-P-P-P-P-P-W-W-W-W-W-rrrrrr [a long puff, turning into a
growl]! [He spits.] I must kick somebody.
NARYSHKIN [flying precipitately through the central doors]. No, no.
Please.
THE PRINCESS DASHKOFF [throwing herself recklessly in front of Patiomkin
as he starts in pursuit of the Chamberlain]. Kick me. Disable me. It
will be an excuse for not going back to her. Kick me hard.