PATIOMKIN [roaring]. Get out. Get out, all of you. [They withdraw, much
relieved at their escape from the pistol. Patiomkin attempts to rise,
and rolls over.] Here! help me up, will you? Don't you see that I'm
drunk and can't get up?
EDSTASTON [suspiciously]. You want to get hold of me.
PATIOMKIN [squatting resignedly against the chair on which his clothes
hang]. Very well, then: I shall stay where I am, because I'm drunk and
you're afraid of me.
EDSTASTON. I'm not afraid of you, damn you!
PATIOMKIN [ecstatically]. Darling, your lips are the gates of truth. Now
listen to me. [He marks off the items of his statement with ridiculous
stiff gestures of his head and arms, imitating a puppet.] You are
Captain Whatshisname; and your uncle is the Earl of Whatdyecallum; and
your father is Bishop of Thingummybob; and you are a young man of the
highest spr--promise (I told you I was drunk), educated at Cambridge,
and got your step as captain in the field at the GLORIOUS battle of
Bunker's Hill. Invalided home from America at the request of Aunt Fanny,
Lady-in-Waiting to the Queen. All right, eh?
EDSTASTON. How do you know all this?
PATIOMKIN [crowing fantastically]. In er lerrer, darling, darling,
darling, darling. Lerrer you showed me.
EDSTASTON. But you didn't read it.
PATIOMKIN [flapping his fingers at him grotesquely]. Only
one eye, darling. Cross eye. Sees everything. Read lerrer
inceince--istastaneously. Kindly give me vinegar borle. Green borle.
On'y to sober me. Too drunk to speak porply. If you would be so kind,
darling. Green borle. [Edstaston, still suspicious, shakes his head and
keeps his pistols ready.] Reach it myself. [He reaches behind him up
to the table, and snatches at the green bottle, from which he takes a
copious draught. Its effect is appalling. His wry faces and agonized
belchings are so heartrending that they almost upset Edstaston. When the
victim at last staggers to his feet, he is a pale fragile nobleman,
aged and quite sober, extremely dignified in manner and address, though
shaken by his recent convulsions.] Young man, it is not better to be
drunk than sober; but it is happier. Goodness is not happiness. That is
an epigram. But I have overdone this. I am too sober to be good company.
Let me redress the balance. [He takes a generous draught of brandy, and
recovers his geniality.] Aha! That's better. And now listen, darling.
You must not come to Court with pistols in your boots.
EDSTASTON. I have found them useful.
PATIOMKIN. Nonsense. I'm your friend. You mistook my intention because
I was drunk. Now that I am sober--in moderation--I will prove that I
am your friend. Have some diamonds. [Roaring.] Hullo there! Dogs, pigs:
hullo!
The Sergeant comes in.
THE SERGEANT. God be praised, Little Father: you are still spared to us.
PATIOMKIN. Tell them to bring some diamonds. Plenty of diamonds. And
rubies. Get out. [He aims a kick at the Sergeant, who flees.] Put up
your pistols, darling. I'll give you a pair with gold handgrips. I am
your friend.
EDSTASTON [replacing the pistols in his boots rather unwillingly]. Your
Highness understands that if I am missing, or if anything happens to me,
there will be trouble.
PATIOMKIN [enthusiastically]. Call me darling.
EDSTASTON. It is not the English custom.
PATIOMKIN. You have no hearts, you English! [Slapping his right breast.]
Heart! Heart!
EDSTASTON. Pardon, your Highness: your heart is on the other side.
PATIOMKIN [surprised and impressed]. Is it? You are learned! You are
a doctor! You English are wonderful! We are barbarians, drunken pigs.
Catherine does not know it; but we are. Catherine's a German. But I have
given her a Russian heart [he is about to slap himself again.]
EDSTASTON [delicately]. The other side, your Highness.
PATIOMKIN [maudlin]. Darling, a true Russian has a heart on both sides.
The Sergeant enters carrying a goblet filled with precious stones.
PATIOMKIN. Get out. [He snatches the goblet and kicks the Sergeant out,
not maliciously but from habit, indeed not noticing that he does it.]
Darling, have some diamonds. Have a fistful. [He takes up a handful and
lets them slip back through his fingers into the goblet, which he then
offers to Edstaston.]
EDSTASTON. Thank you, I don't take presents.
PATIOMKIN [amazed]. You refuse!
EDSTASTON. I thank your Highness; but it is not the custom for English
gentlemen to take presents of that kind.
PATIOMKIN. Are you really an Englishman?
EDSTASTON [bows]!
PATIOMKIN. You are the first Englishman I ever saw refuse anything
he could get. [He puts the goblet on the table; then turns again to
Edstaston.] Listen, darling. You are a wrestler: a splendid wrestler.
You threw me on my back like magic, though I could lift you with one
hand. Darling, you are a giant, a paladin.
EDSTASTON [complacently]. We wrestle rather well in my part of England.
PATIOMKIN. I have a Turk who is a wrestler: a prisoner of war. You shall
wrestle with him for me. I'll stake a million roubles on you.
EDSTASTON [incensed]. Damn you! do you take me for a prize-fighter? How
dare you make me such a proposal?
PATIOMKIN [with wounded feeling]. Darling, there is no pleasing you.
Don't you like me?
EDSTASTON [mollified]. Well, in a sort of way I do; though I don't know
why I should. But my instructions are that I am to see the Empress;
and--
PATIOMKIN. Darling, you shall see the Empress. A glorious woman, the
greatest woman in the world. But lemme give you piece 'vice--pah! still
drunk. They water my vinegar. [He shakes himself; clears his throat;
and resumes soberly.] If Catherine takes a fancy to you, you may ask for
roubles, diamonds, palaces, titles, orders, anything! and you may aspire
to everything: field-marshal, admiral, minister, what you please--except
Tsar.
EDSTASTON. I tell you I don't want to ask for anything. Do you suppose I
am an adventurer and a beggar?
PATIOMKIN [plaintively]. Why not, darling? I was an adventurer. I was a
beggar.
EDSTASTON. Oh, you!
PATIOMKIN. Well: what's wrong with me?
EDSTASTON. You are a Russian. That's different.
PATIOMKIN [effusively]. Darling, I am a man; and you are a man; and
Catherine is a woman. Woman reduces us all to the common denominator.
[Chuckling.] Again an epigram! [Gravely.] You understand it, I hope.
Have you had a college education, darling? I have.
EDSTASTON. Certainly. I am a Bachelor of Arts.
PATIOMKIN. It is enough that you are a bachelor, darling: Catherine will
supply the arts. Aha! Another epigram! I am in the vein today.
EDSTASTON [embarrassed and a little offended]. I must ask your Highness
to change the subject. As a visitor in Russia, I am the guest of the
Empress; and I must tell you plainly that I have neither the right nor
the disposition to speak lightly of her Majesty.
PATIOMKIN. You have conscientious scruples?
EDSTASTON. I have the scruples of a gentleman.
PATIOMKIN. In Russia a gentleman has no scruples. In Russia we face
facts.
EDSTASTON. In England, sir, a gentleman never faces any facts if they
are unpleasant facts.
PATIOMKIN. In real life, darling, all facts are unpleasant. [Greatly
pleased with himself.] Another epigram! Where is my accursed chancellor?
these gems should be written down and recorded for posterity. [He rushes
to the table: sits down: and snatches up a pen. Then, recollecting
himself.] But I have not asked you to sit down. [He rises and goes to
the other chair.] I am a savage: a barbarian. [He throws the shirt and
coat over the table on to the floor and puts his sword on the table.] Be
seated, Captain.
EDSTASTON Thank you.
They bow to one another ceremoniously. Patiomkin's tendency to grotesque
exaggeration costs him his balance; he nearly falls over Edstaston, who
rescues him and takes the proffered chair.
PATIOMKIN [resuming his seat]. By the way, what was the piece of advice
I was going to give you?
EDSTASTON. As you did not give it, I don't know. Allow me to add that I
have not asked for your advice.
PATIOMKIN. I give it to you unasked, delightful Englishman. I remember
it now. It was this. Don't try to become Tsar of Russia.